The Proteus Paradox (16 page)

In my survey studies, I have found that a good number of people have physically dated someone they first met in an online game. About 30 percent of online gamers have had romantic feelings for another player, and between 9 and 12 percent of players have physically dated someone they first met in an online game. To learn more about how these relationships started and how they progressed, in 2006 I asked players to describe the trajectory of these relationships. The 115 respondents to the survey were all players who had physically dated someone they had met in an online game. One data point jumped out at me: 60 percent of the players didn't think they would have dated their significant other if they had first met face-to-face.
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In the survey, players walked through their love stories—how they met, how they fell in love, how they decided to meet face-to-face, and how it all turned out in the end. As I read through the hundred-plus player narratives, a common pattern became apparent.

Let's start at the beginning of the archetypal love story, the moment players met their future romantic partners. Overall, these initial meetings happened in very mundane and common situations, and the chemistry was seldom immediately apparent. In none of the stories did any player say it was love at first sight.

Our characters met in North Freeport in EverQuest. His dark elf cleric was on top of the roofs, an area which I didn't know characters could access. I sent him a/tell, asking how he got up there, and he kindly showed me how. [
EverQuest,
female, 22]

My fiancé and I met in EverQuest in mid-1999. It was a totally by accident moment. I was a low-level Bard fleeing the bandit camp in North Ro after a bad group pull. I was barely alive and in the Oasis of Marr. I nearly ran over my fiancé's character sitting on a dune. He looked low level (that was the fate of wood elf druids for soooo long) so I chatted with him a bit. Boy was I surprised when all this healing and buffing came from a low-level player. I thanked him greatly and since he was nice I added him to my friends list. [
EverQuest,
female, 35]

In many cases, both players belonged to the same guild. This made it easy for repeated encounters to occur, and the guild also provided a convenient context for chatting and grouping with each other. Instead of having to create a contrived situation to talk to someone, being in the same guild offered a wide variety of acceptable openers. This could be getting help for a quest, getting advice on equipment, planning a future group quest, or telling a story about something that happened earlier.

I was aware of her character in a vague way as “the competition” when we were both in different guilds (we were both Celt Wardens in Dark Age of Camelot). Then she quit her guild, and joined mine. We played at different times, but people kept saying things like “lol that's just what [she] said!” about things I said, and apparently vice-versa, so we started to take note of each other, as we had both thought we were pretty unique. [
Dark Age of Camelot,
male, 28]

Met her when she joined our guild. Once I stopped playing that game (Dark Age of Camelot) and she took on the role of guild leader, I remained as an advisor. It wasn't until after we both left that game (but stayed in the same guild) that we became romantically involved. [
EverQuest II,
male, 32]
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The romantic tensions in these casual relationships then slowly build up in an incubation period. As these players work with each other in groups and chat during downtime, they begin to wonder if there's something there. Among the player narratives, this period seemed to run anywhere between two weeks to twelve months.

We started to get to know each other out of character and became friends, chatting about our day and about life in general. After a couple months of this, I went through a period when I was having a very rough time at work. He was very sweet and considerate to me through that time, asking how I was and listening to me bitch about things. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 30]

We started out as two people who were looking for a group. None were available, so we decided to group together. Upon doing so, we discovered that we enjoyed the conversation. We decided to make it a nightly event. It had been a few weeks of spending 6 hours a night together and then one of us had to take a break for several days. When the two of us were reunited in game, it was different. It was awkward, I believe, because we both figured out that we missed one another. [
EverQuest,
male, 25]

Often, these romantic feelings then grow to a point at which one player finally decides to express his or her feelings for the other person. The uncertainty of reciprocation heightens the tension and anticipation of the moment of truth, much as it would in a face-to-face relationship. Most players had fairly detailed descriptions of this turning point of their relationship. This first narrative continues from the same player we just heard from above.

We talked about it the same way we talked about everything else, in game. We were chatting and it came up. We talked about our feelings and what it meant for our current situations, and we were both giddy. The moment was like . . . beyond words. Let us say that. [
EverQuest,
male, 25]

About 6 months into World of Warcraft I met someone who lived in the same state as I and was planning to meet him. My now boyfriend then said “I don't want you to meet him. I have feelings for you.” I had had feelings for him all along but was too afraid to say anything. When he told me he wanted to be with me I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe it but was so happy that he felt the same way. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 29]

Following these declarations of affection, the couples begin to take advantage of other communication mediums. These often include instant messages, emails, phone calls, and webcam chats. Contrary to the idea that people rely solely on typed chat to develop their romantic relationship, players use a variety of communication tools to better understand their romantic partners. Players don't simply jump from avatar to meeting face-to-face.

Hunting together built an in-game friendship, server downtime and wanting to dissect the night's play more privately than in-game led to chatting over an IM [instant messaging] program. Chatting outside the game led to friendship in our non-gaming life, which eventually developed into a flirtation. He had a web cam so I was able to see him from time to time and watch his mouth move out of synch with what he was typing. [
EverQuest,
female, 34]

After many many hours of in-game playing and some role playing together we seemed to have a good feel for each other's personalities irl [in real life]. We exchanged IM's and Phone# and chatted a lot. Then came photos and some webcams. [
World of Warcraft,
male, 24]

During those four months apart, we spent so much time online together (gaming, IM, Skype, webcam, you name it) that there wasn't much room for surprises for the actual in-person meeting. [
EVE Online,
female, 24]

Falling in love in an online game doesn't mean that the only interactions occur in the game behind game avatars. Getting a sense of how
the other person looks and behaves outside the game is very much the expectation even in these online relationships.

Given that people from all over the world play online games, it makes sense that large geographic distances often separate these romantic couples. In many cases, the players lived in different countries. This distance complicates meeting face-to-face for both logistical and financial reasons. Players working or in college would have to plan around their vacation schedules, and these first dates have a significant up-front cost for the plane ticket. These logistical and financial obstacles make the relationship harder rather than easier. Having to pay for a plane ticket to your first date certainly complicates things.

Once we both realized that a rather large ocean might not be too large of a barrier, he made plans to visit around Christmas. [
EverQuest II,
female, 32]

I should point out that we were on other sides of the Atlantic, me in London in the UK, and her near Chicago in the US, which made the relationship easier and harder. [
World of Warcraft,
male, 28]

I was very resistant to [the idea of having a relationship] at first, even though I was attracted to him, because of the age and geographical differences (he was from Canada; I'm from the U.S.). He was persistent, though, and eventually I gave in. [
City of Heroes,
female, 31]

Even though almost all of these players had traded photographs and seen each other on webcams, stepping off the plane to meet their romantic partner face-to-face for the first time was still understandably a nerve-wracking experience.

A month later he flew to Wisconsin to meet me, and it was a wonderful but almost frighteningly intense experience. From the first day that
we spent together, we both felt very intensely that we belonged together (though neither of us admitted it until several months later), which was very confusing. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 30]

It was a challenge to work out the logistics of the thing, but ultimately, it was worth it. The first meeting? Well, I spent all day on a plane, got to my final destination exhausted and ready for dinner. When I laid eyes on my future wife, I felt the exhaustion melt away and my hunger remained, but I no longer wanted dinner. [
EverQuest,
male, 25]

I spent the flights to her (I had to change planes) in the same nervous and excited state (I was very impatient to get there, the planes seemed to take forever and a day), and I was particularly nervous that fate might intervene and I might be somehow denied entry to the US (I wasn't, of course). . . . Two years after that we're married and living in the UK! :) [
World of Warcraft,
male, 28]

There were many happy endings to the stories. Many of the couples had moved to be together geographically, and some had married or indicated plans for marriage.

That was five years ago and we are still together, happy, and working on the future. From online start to present day, we've been best friends for nine years now. We still game together, too! [
World of Warcraft,
female, 33]

It has been nearly 5 years and we are still together. I moved from the US to Europe a few years ago and there are no regrets. [
EverQuest II,
female, 32]

We are still together, happily married and adopting our first child. [
Martial Heroes,
female, 35]

Of the stories that did not have happy endings, some found the distance to be an insurmountable problem, while others mentioned typical personality-based problems.

It could have been a very good relationship had we lived closer. That was the only real difference, and no, we decided neither of us could move closer together (we each had children). [
EverQuest II,
female, 49]

Our relationship ended after about 6 months in a heartbreaking situation for both. He needed more than I could provide online, and I needed someone more stable and less clingy. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 22]

Of course, meeting someone online is not restricted to meeting while gaming. The rise of online games coincided with the rise of online dating websites. Match.com went into live beta in 1995 and was profiled by
Wired
magazine that year. eHarmony launched in 2000. In that same timeframe,
Ultima Online, EverQuest, Lineage,
and other games appeared. But meeting someone in an online game is very different from meeting someone in an online dating site. First of all, none of the players in the survey mentioned that they were looking for love in an online game. In fact, they often mentioned the exact opposite.
⁵

I was in no way “looking” for anyone. . . . In fact I turned down advances I received in real life citing I was not ready to start dating up again because I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 24]

I wasn't looking for this to happen, it just did. [
City of Villains,
female, 25]

Because there were no expectations of love, players getting to know each other were not burdened with the pressures and awkwardness of first dates. More often than not, players had grouped together and chatted with each other a great deal before love became part of the equation. To suggest that online relationships are inherently
superficial is to ignore the far more obvious lie that people are exactly themselves on first dates.

I believe that the online environment made it much easier. There was nothing in the way of awkward social pressure that is the “first date.” It started out with two people of the opposite sex talking and having fun with absolutely no expectations of romance or sex. [
EverQuest,
male, 25]

We were able to be more honest with each other without worrying about looks or sex and all of the pressure and distractions that go along with that. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 22]

Falling in love in an online game is more similar to an office romance than finding someone in an online dating site. The love grows out of working with and getting to know another person. It is these opportunities of working together with someone that online games excel at. As many players pointed out, working together with someone through a difficult situation is revealing. Seeing how someone reacts to unfair criticisms, unplanned mishaps, and their own mistakes can reveal a lot. Sitting together in silence in a movie theater tells you much less in comparison.

We'd tackled life-threatening crises together before we ever went on our first date. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 32]

EQ was a great way to see how a potential partner treated others. [
World of Warcraft,
female, 22]

It bears emphasizing that most of these players got to learn about each other before romantic feelings were sparked. In short, they spent time getting to know each other without the intent of trying to date or get in bed with each other. The typical geographical separation further inhibits romantic intentions because these players often
assume that they're talking to someone they will never meet face-to-face.