It helped to assuage my guilt somewhat to hear that she was learning and developing, meeting new friends. I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to miss us, even though I missed her terribly. In my blackest moments I'd wonder if she thought she'd done something wrong that had made us give her up. Did she worry that her new people wouldn't love her enough to keep her either?
Even when Freddy was tiny and taking up every conscious moment, as well as intruding into my dreams and waking me up in the night, there was still time for me to worry about how our first puppy was doing as she made her way in the world, and to secretly ask for her forgiveness and understanding for having given her up.
After a few months, we heard Emma had been placed with Mike, a PE teacher in his early thirties who'd broken his neck in a motorcycle accident and sometimes used crutches but, on bad days, used a wheelchair. Often the information was very brief and came buried within e-mails about lots of the puppies. One simply said: “Emma and Mike's love affair continues.”
Then we received the letter inviting us to Emma's graduation.
“She's passed!” I told Ian on the phone. “She's going to be a fully fledged Helper Dog.”
Best of all, we were invited to the ceremony, which was to take place in the mansion at Helper Dogs HQ in Hertfordshire. We took Freddy with us.
Coffee and cakes for people and bowls of water for the dogs were waiting inside the mansion when we arrived, and we met lots of Helper Dogs and their owners before finding a place at the back of the very full graduation hall beside a man called Kev and his Helper Dog, a crazy Labradoodle called Scamp, with whom Freddy had played boisterously in one of the fenced-off grass areas before we went into the mansion.
“I think they paired me with him because I'm the only one who can keep up with him!” Kev joked, as he expertly maneuvered his extra-light sports wheelchair over the grass, but it was easy to see that Kev and Scamp totally adored each other.
With only five minutes to go before the ceremony started, I still hadn't seen Emma, and if I wasn't already nervous enough, I started to become anxious. Sometimes, if the Helper Dog's partner was ill, or found it too difficult to travel, then the dog didn't come to the center and their graduation was delayed to the next ceremony. Often this happened at very short notice. I hoped that this hadn't occurred with Emma. Then we saw her, with a man who must have been Mike, walking from the back of the room down the center aisle and taking a seat near the front. She was much bigger than when we had her, a real adult, and her coat had darkened. She didn't take her eyes from Mike once.
I followed their progress and realized that my arms had come out in goose bumps and that I was getting a bit dizzy from holding my breath involuntarily.
“Shall we go and say hello?” I said.
“Not now, the ceremony's about to start,” said Ian, shaking his head.
So we waited, and the show began.
Each Helper Dog and partner came to the stage in turn and were introduced. Then the owner told the audience about their life before and after the dog. Some of the dogs were placed with disabled people who needed carers to support them, some with people in charge of their own families, and some with people who were living with their parents. Male and female, old and young, and from all parts of the country, they were united only by their love and gratitude for their Helper Dogs.
There were lots of heartrending stories as well as a few funny ones. One young man, Matthew, took to the stage, and described his life living at home with his mum and dad.
“I need a lot of physical help, and I was so desperate for a dog I was phoning the Helper Dogs office twice a day some days,” he said. “In fact, they rang my mum to ask her to tell me to stop: âWe'll let you know straightaway when there's a suitable one!' they said.” He blushed. “But I just borrowed my mate's mobile to ring them instead. Now I've got Dailey, he's transformed my life.
“He just does so much that I hadn't expected. I was delighted that Dailey can open drawers,” he continued. “Because of my condition I don't have the strength to do it myself, but with a bit of rope and a ball attached to the drawer Dailey does it with ease. I don't like draftsâmy hands swell up and turn blue in the cold, and he can open and shut all the doors in the house. When I get really cold, he brings me a blanket and cuddles up to me to keep me warm. He's always so gentle and careful. It's as if he knows this body of mine should have a âfragile' label attached to it.”
In fact, Matthew hadn't chosen Dailey; Dailey had chosen him. The bond between a Helper Dog and their partner must be much stronger than that between a person and their pet, so Helper Dogs' usual procedure is to take a group of people wanting dogs, people who've passed the assessment and have suitable living arrangements, and put them in the same room as the latest batch of trained puppies. The center staff then look on as the humans and dogs get to know each other and the dogs naturally gravitate to their favorite people. Though it didn't always work perfectly, more often than not that particular person would end up becoming the dog's partner.
The next person on stage was a boy of twelve called David, one of the lucky few children that Helper Dogs worked with. Alongside his mum, Aretha, he showed the audience a video of what his dog, Connor, did to help each day. It started with Connor on David's bed and then David pretending to wake up and Connor licking him. Connor then brought clothes over to David, item by item, before giving him his towel after David had his morning wash. At school, Connor carried David's books in a special backpack and they were greeted by lots of friends as they walked down the corridor together. Then, in the classroom David dropped his pencil on the floor and Connor picked it up and put it on his desk before having a little snooze. He must have been dreaming about something nice because his tail wagged to and fro as he slept.
All through David's school day Connor was there, helping him. He even handed over David's money and got his change for him in the canteen. After school the two of them played and watched TV before finally going to bed.
“And that's our day,” David said at the end of the video. “A day in the life of me and my best friend.”
I loved all the stories, but I was desperate for our girl's turn. At last, Emma led Mike on to the stage.
“I first met Emma at the Head Office. She came running over to me straightaway. It was like as soon as she saw me she knew I was the one for her,” he said. “Then they brought her to visit the school where I work and I was amazed how calm she was during a PE lessonâmost dogs would have started chasing balls or barking at the kids.
“She's like my shadow, and I can't imagine what it would be like not to have her in my life now. She picks up my stick and my keys and takes off my socks, hats and gloves, which is really useful in the winter when I have three or four classes outside every day. One time, I was explaining something to the kids, they were all sitting down on the floor in front of me, and I saw out of the corner of my eye Emma, sitting at the end of one of the rows, with her head cocked to one side, looking like she was taking it all in. And I'm pretty sure she wasâshe's absolutely the smartest dog I've ever known. Sometimes, when I'm pointing to the kids during matches, she thinks I need her to fetch something and is there before anyone else has worked out what I was asking. She's so finely attuned to what I need that she's almost too clever.”
Then the master of ceremonies asked all the people involved in Emma's life prior to her being placed to come to the front, one by one. My heart leaped as, being her first puppy parent, my name was first on the list. I made sure Ian had his camera out and then started the long walk to the front of the hall. I said hello to Mike, but I only had eyes for Emma, and could barely stop stroking her and saying hello. Finally, I straightened up, a little embarrassed at how long I'd spent catching up with Emma in front of so many people. The master of ceremonies started calling out more names, and I looked down at Emma once again. She looked up at me and then suddenly jumped into my arms for a cuddle.
“Sorry, sorry,” Mike said. “She never usually jumps up.”
“That's OK,” I said, beaming. “She's remembering when she was a very little girl.”
Emma's tail didn't stop pumping from side to side, and I couldn't have been more delighted.
We all had our photo taken with Emma, everyone who'd loved and supported her, and worked so hard to turn her into the dog she was today; then our moment was over, and I left the stage and went back to sit down with Ian and Freddy.
After the ceremony, lunch was served in a long, airy room looking out over one of the lawns, and I had a chance to chat with Mike and have a proper cuddle with Emma. Ian, too, said hello to our little girl and, gaining Mike's say-so, gave her a few treats for old times' sake. Mike fed her some curry from his plate, on a little bit of naan bread, and I smiled as I remembered how much she'd loved tasting our curry when she was with us. Even though we'd been asked not to treat the dogs as pets we hadn't been able to resist spoiling her a little bit, and it didn't seem to have harmed her at all.
“She so loves you,” I said to Mike, totally approving of her being given yummy bits from his plate.
“And I love her,” he said. “I was devastated just after I received her because I thought I might have to give her up again. I couldn't fit all her feeding and toilet schedules into my school timetable, but Helper Dogs was really understanding and said it could be adjusted to suit us both.”
I stroked Emma and she stretched up her head for more.
“The other weird thing was that when they introduced all the dogs they said she was one that didn't need that much affection,” he continued.
I looked at him aghast. “They did? Why would they say that?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know. I guess because she would still do what you asked her even if you didn't give her any affection.”
I was so pleased she'd been placed with him and his family, who were obviously showering her with affection, rather than a person who thought she didn't need it and so wasn't giving it.
“Don't worry yourself!” he said. “Every night she comes in to have a cuddle with me and my girlfriend, before going to sleep in our daughter's room, next to her bed.”
She'd become an instant hit with everyone at school, and all around the small town in which he lived too. Once, he'd left her with a couple of trainee teachers for the morning, and had returned to the staff room to find a miniature obstacle course set up, with crisp crumbs beside many of the small jumps. The two students guiltily confessed that they'd made an agility course for Emma; then, as they got carried away in their tale, they forgot they were supposed to be acting contrite.
“She was really fast!” said the first.
“And she got even faster when we used the crisps,” said the second.
“She could be like, like, a champion!”
“She's already a champion to me,” Mike told them.
Emma and Freddy were overjoyed to see each other and had a long play together on the grass outside while we watched, smiling. Our two puppies.
When we left, I gave Mike a little photographic diary I'd had made of Emma's first six months with us, the cutest photos I could find along with extracts from her blog and her columns.
“If you ever need anyone to look after her for any reason . . .”
“We could always do it,” Ian said. “We could even pick her up.”
“Thanks,” Mike said. “The Helper Dogs' support team usually sorts out that kind of thing.”
It was time to go home.
“Bye, Emma,” I said, and gave her a hug.
“Bye-bye, puppy girl,” Ian said, and gave her the last of the treats we had.
Freddy kept looking back at her as we headed for the car.
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I felt happy on the drive home. Emma was in the right place and with the right people for her. She helped Mike get on with his life, to complete all the daily personal tasks he needed, which allowed him in turn to teach all the kids that needed him. Without her, the school would have had to hire another PE teacher and he would be at home, feeling depressed and unwanted. I realized that I wouldn't have wanted to take Emma away for any reason, although if she ever needed a retirement home our house would always be there for her. Later that evening, Mike e-mailed to tell us his little daughter had taken Emma's diary to bed with her to have read as a bedtime story.
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A few days later, Freddy breezed through his Bronze Kennel Club examâlying down and staying down during his one-minute stay, coming immediately when he was called, resisting the other dog distractions and treats on the floor when asked to do so. The examiner was so impressed she suggested he try for his Silver exam tooâeven though we hadn't really practiced for it. Two exams in one day, however, was simply too much, and an overexcited Freddy chewed on his lead, pooed on the pavement and didn't jump up into the car when asked.
The examiner smiled as she shook her head: “Not quite ready for his silver yet,” she said.
Nevertheless, the time for Freddy to move on was coming ever closer.