The Purity Myth (9 page)

* I’m not arguing that we should be paying more attention to one kind of sexualization than to another, but there’s a disturbing gap when it comes to
which
girls we’re more apt to hear about.

†
Yes, these exist. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that as a freshman in college (at

Tulane University in New Orleans), I succumbed to the sexy-costume craze by donning a white minidress with a red cross drawn across the chest—I was a “nurse.” I promptly learned my lesson after a male passerby on Bourbon Street screamed out that I was a “bloody-hot nurse.” I thought perhaps he was British, but alas, he was actually oh-so- subtly letting me know that I had gotten my period early that month.

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can buy your daughter a
Playboy
pencil set or your infant Heelicious shoes— baby stilettos—anytime!

“There has been a marked shift in the proliferation of hypersexualized imagery being marketed to younger and younger girls, as well as more repre- sentations of very young girls—I’m talking about tweens and preschoolers— in sexually provocative poses and contexts,” says Durham, author of
The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It
.
5
“These are highly repressive and regressive notions of sexuality, not healthy, ac- curate, or developmentally appropriate concepts of sex.”

A 2007 report from the American Psychological Association (APA) found that nearly
every form
of media studied provided “ample evidence of the sexualization of women,” and that most sexualization focused on young women.
6
* Th report also showed that this sexualization did not come from media alone. Girls’ relationships with parents, educators, and peers further contributed to the problem.

[P]arents may convey the message that maintaining an at tractive physi- cal appearance is the most important goal for girls . Some may allow or encourage plastic surgery to help girls meet that goal. Research shows

that teachers sometimes encourage girls to play at being sexualized adult women or hold beliefs that girls of color are “ hypersexual” and thus un-

likely to achieve academic success. Both male and female peers have been

* The APA defines sexualization as when “a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics; a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy; a per- son is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.”

found to contribute to the sexualization of girls—girls by policing each other to ensure conformance with standards of thinness and sexiness and boys by sexually objectifying and harassing girls .
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Girls are getting it from all angles—home, school, and the media. What makes matters worse, according to Durham, is that the girls being targeted are even younger than they were in years past. The reason behind it? “It may be a backlash against the fact that women are succeeding in life in ways they never did before, and little girls represent a traditional version of docile, passive femi- ninity,” says Durham.*

Touting girls and girlhood as ideal forms of sexuality is simply another way of advancing the notion that to be desirable, women need to be un-adults— young, naive, and impressionable. Being independent, assured, and grown up has no place in this disconcerting model.

The virginity movement is fighting sexualization with
more
sexual- ization—we just don’t always recognize it as such because it’s shrouded in language about modesty, purity, and protection.

Take the latest trend in virginity worship: purity balls. Fa- thers escort their daughters to these promlike balls, where at some point—between the dancing, food, and entertainment (largely involv- ing little girls doing ballet around big wooden crosses)—the girls re- cite a pledge vowing to be chaste until marriage, and name their fathers as the “keepers” of their virginity until a husband takes their place. Sounds a bit old school, but these events are becoming a nationwide

* Ah, the ethics of passivity rears its ugly head! Not only do women need to do nothing (remain sexually abstinent) in order to be moral, we also must remain inert if we want to be considered sexy.

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phenomenon and receiving widespread media attention—from
The New York Times
to
Dr. Phil
—and parties are being planned in nearly every state in America.

Pastor Randy Wilson and his wife, Lisa, founded purity balls in 1998 in Colorado Springs.
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Th Wilsons, who have seven children (fi e of them daughters), write in a letter to purity ball planners that they founded the balls because they saw that “the protection of the daughter’s purity rested on the shoulders of the fathers” and they wanted to create an event that conveyed that sentiment.

This “protection” is articulated in a pledge that fathers recite, promising to “cover” their daughters and protect their purity:

I, [daughter’s name]’s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband, and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountabil- ity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and as the high priest in my home. This covering will be used by God to inf luence generations to come.
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*

It’s hard to know what’s more problematic: the pseudo-incestuous talk of covering or the antiquated notion that fathers own their daughters and their sexuality. Perhaps the upside of these balls, however, is how overtly they epito- mize the ideals of the virginity movement. There’s no hiding behind the rheto- ric of empowerment here—the message is clear and direct: It’s up to men to control young women’s sexuality. (In fact, that message is furthered in newer

* I was horrified (but not surprised) when, after I repeated this pledge at a talk I was giv- ing at Cornell University in 2008, a student shouted out that “covering” is a term used to describe breeding horses. One horse “covers” another.

events sponsored for young men and their mothers: integrity balls.* Instead of pledging their virginities to their mothers, however, the young men and boys in this ball vow not to sully someone’s daughter or future wife. So, in either event, maintaining women’s purity—and men’s ownership—is the goal!)

And though the idea behind the pledge and ball is to promote purity, the symbolism is far from chaste. In one online video of a purity ball, the girls recite the virginity pledge as they give little pink boxes (ahem) to their fathers.
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Some fathers participating in purity balls give their daugh- ter a charm necklace with a lock and key. The daughter keeps the lock and her father holds on to the key until she gets married and he gives the “key”

to her husband.
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†

Also troubling is that the event is described as a “date.” The girls—some as young as six or seven—dress in ball gowns and often get their hair and makeup professionally done. In a
Glamour
magazine article about purity balls, reporter and noted feminist Jennifer Baumgardner wrote that many of the older girls in attendance look “disconcertingly like wives” next to their fathers.
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In a way, that’s the point: Young women are being trained to be not autonomous adults, but perpetual children whose sexuality is strictly defined

and owned, like that of traditional wives-in-training.
#

The conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, for exam- ple, encourages fathers to take their daughters on “date nights” in order to

* As my coblogger Ann Friedman put it: “Why is this glamorous evening not called a purity ball, too? Because it’s not up to young men to stay “pure.” They just have to seek out a wife who is.”
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†
Subtlety is a bit lost on the virginity movement, especially when it comes to any kind of

phallic symbol.

# When I first came across purity balls, I wondered if my feminism had jaded me
too
much. Maybe these were just daddy/daughter dances that I was imbuing with sexual meaning. So I showed my father some video footage of a purity ball and asked what he thought. The color drained from his face and he just said, “Jessica, that’s truly fucking weird.”

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“affirm [their] femininity.”* The promotional materials that describe these dates use language that one would think would make participants uneasy, but instead are positioned as sweet and doting:

Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car

door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her

date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, “What f lavor would you like tonight, Sugar?” Katie smiles and says,

“I’ ll have chocolate, Daddy.” More and more fathers are becoming aware of their inf luence and are regularly dating their daughters.”
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Dating their daughters? Isn’t it possible to encourage fathers to spend more time with their daughters without using language usually reserved for romantic relationships? Neutral, family-based rhetoric would probably be just as effective and would certainly be less, well, creepy. But calling daddy/ daughter quality time “dates” speaks volumes about how young women are valued in the virginity movement—for their sexuality.

While I was researching purity balls, this quote from Wesley Tullis, who has taken both of his daughters to the events, really stuck with me: “It is impos- sible to convey what I have seen in their sweet spirits, their delicate, forming souls, as their daddy takes them out for their first, big dance. Their whole being absorbs my loving attention, resulting in a radiant sense of self-worth and iden- tity
.
”
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There’s no doubt that a loving relationship between father and daughter can be a wonderful thing. But just how healthy is it to conflate virginity with “self-worth” and “identity,” and paternal attention with sexuality?