The Queen & the Homo Jock King (37 page)

“I haven’t played Ultimate Frisbee in a long time,” he said. I could tell he was annoyed and that made me happy.

And he was a liar and fat mouth, so I waited.

Finally, “The league hasn’t even started this year yet,” he grumbled.

“How fascinating,” I said. “I’m sure the games are filled with testosterone and homoeroticism and a lot of inappropriate touching and now that I say that out loud, I should probably go to them because it sounds like porn. Do you grope each other’s asses when you score a basket or field goal or whatever ridiculous point system you use?”

Both Mike and Darren sighed. It’s always a good sign for a conversation when you hear exasperation in surround sound.

“I’ll take that as a yes. I might film it and put it on the Internet, FYI.”

“Uh-huh. And why nine?”

“Because you’ll be the tenth. I think ten is a nice round number to have for drag bachelor auctions. And Mike will reach out to the Super Gays who I know will just love to donate funds.”

“The who?”

“The Super Gays. You know, the wealthy middle-aged gays who fling money at everything but also like looking at man flesh. They’re quite a large group, in case you haven’t noticed. Not that you probably had, now that I think about it. They’re probably a bit out of your age range. And out of high school.”

“Har, har.”

“And you know what?” I said. “I’ll even make it easier. You only need to recruit eight. I can get the last one.”

“Who?” he asked suspiciously.

“Why, Brian, of course. I’m sure my one-night-stand-and-almost-more-but-I-set-him-free-for-his-own-good would be more than willing to participate. After all, he owes me.”

“Brian,” Darren repeated flatly. “You’re going to call Brian.”

“Sure,” I said.

“You still talk to him?” Darren sounded awfully put out at the thought.

I grinned. “Every now and then.” I didn’t really, but Darren didn’t need to know that. I didn’t know if he was jealous or just annoyed that I’d fucked one of his minions. Either way, I was in control again and it was amazing and I was going to extort it for all it was worth.

“Rule six,” he snapped. “No fucking homo jocks.”

“I haven’t. You’re my one and only, bae.” And there I was, losing control again already, because why the
fuck
did that sound so nice? He wasn’t my one and only
anything
.

“I’ll call him,” he said. “You just focus on the logistics. You don’t need to worry about the homo jocks.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to overburden you. I can do it. Besides, I’ve been meaning to give him a call. You know, just to touch base.”

“That better be the only touching there is,” he growled. “There are
rules
, Sandy.”

“I’m well aware of the damn rules,” I said. “I made up most of them.”

“Half. You made up half.”

“The better half,” I muttered under my breath.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Then, “I’ll see you tonight?” I tried to make it sound like fact, but it came out a question against my will.

“Yeah,” he said, sounding softer. “I’ll be there.”

“Good,” I said, feeling awkward. “Okay. Um. So. Bye.”

“Bye, Sandy.” And the line disconnected.

Mike was staring back at his computer. “The second Saturday in December?”

I nodded.

“And are we sure it has to be one hundred percent of the proceeds?” he lamented. “Maybe we could do a split. Seventy-thirty?”

“Jesus Christ, Mike. Let it go for
once
. We need all the funds we can get. One hundred percent of the door charge, the liquor sales, the money from the auction, the Super Gays donation. All of it.”

“You’re going to bankrupt me, princess.”

“Bullshit. It’s one fucking night. You’ll live. And in case you forgot, I’m doing this for you.”

“You sure about that?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s strange.” He looked back at me. “For someone who claims to hate him, you do seem awfully affectionate with Darren Mayne. The flirting alone was out of control.”

“You know that whole smug thing you’re doing?” I asked. “Stow it before I scratch your fucking eyes out. I wasn’t flirting.” I was totally flirting. And Darren was totally flirting
back
, what the hell. Today had been the weirdest day of my life.

His grin only widened. “So defensive. One might think you’re hiding something, princess. Care to share something with a dear old friend?”

I glared at him. “One, we’re not friends. Two, there’s nothing to share. Three, Darren and I are not together, we’ve never been together, and we’ll never
be
together. I’m only agreeing to fake date him so we can take down his father and save this bar. That’s it. Nothing more.”

And didn’t I just feel shitty saying that out loud. Even though it was the truth. Because that’s really all this was. Maybe Darren
was
flirting with me, but that didn’t mean anything. He was Daniel Day-Lewising me just as much as I was Meryl Streeping him. I couldn’t let myself forget that.

But before I could respond any further, the jig, as they say, was up.

“Of course it wasn’t that easy,” a voice sighed behind me.

I whirled around.

Charlie stood in the doorway to the trailer, looking strangely saddened as he watched me.

“Well shit,” I said.

HAVE YOU
ever had an old leather daddy stare at you in such a way that you know he’s extremely disappointed in you and if he thought he could get away with it, he’d have you spread bare ass over his knee and would give you the spanking of your life in a nonsexy way?

Yeah. Me too.

Mike took the reins, filling in the blanks after I started blabbering at Charlie, trying to salvage the situation, because if there was one thing I hated more than almost anything else, it was to see Charlie looking upset over something I’d done. It might not have affected him, not directly, but he still felt responsible for me, a years old promise he’d made to Vaguyna about watching over me after she was gone.

After Mike had finished and threatened Charlie (“This is going to stay quiet, Charlie, so help me god. I know people and can have you taken out.”) and Charlie gave the appropriate response (“Boy, you don’t know shit, and I’d be careful if I was you before you find yourself tied to a sawhorse and get the strapping of your life, you understand me?”), Mike kicked us out of his office with a meek “Yes, sir,” leaving me on my own with Charlie. As soon as we were out the door, I heard it lock behind us, the traitor.

“Charlie—” I started, but he held up a hand to cut me off.

“Not here,” he muttered. “You get your butt up to the Queen’s Lair. No dawdling. Don’t make me tell you twice. Step to it.”

And when Charlie told you to do something in that tone of voice, you did it.

I didn’t dawdle.

Well, a little dawdling. But only because I tried to beg Izaac silently with my eyes to save me from the ass chewing I surely faced.

He frowned when he saw me.

Then he saw the look on Charlie’s face and smiled sympathetically at me.

That bitch. I would see him fired before night’s end for crossing me.

I thought about making a break for it out the door and then fleeing the county to some mystical faraway land like Toronto or Bismarck, North Dakota. But then I remembered I was a queen and a queen always held her head high, even upon facing her execution by an aging leather daddy. I had my pride.

I walked up the stairs resolutely.

Charlie followed me.

I entered the Lair.

He closed the door behind us.

I turned to let him know I wasn’t afraid, that I would always be a queen. I squared my shoulders and jutted my chin defiantly. I said, “I will be remembered for sparking a revolution. You may silence me today, but my words shall rise tomorrow in the cries of a million voices saying, no, no, we
won’t
stand down and take this tyranny any longer!”

Charlie sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. “What in the holy hell are you talking about, boy?”

“You know, I don’t really know,” I said. “It just sounded good at the time.”

“Uh-huh.” Charlie moved slowly toward his stool. “I have a feeling your life is directed by ideas that sound good in your head but maybe not so much in reality.”

“Hey! That’s not even… remotely… false. Huh. This… is probably not the best time to be having that realization. I should think on this some more. By myself. Not here. I’ll just leave you to it.”

“You take a step toward that door and you’ll have my handprints on your ass.”

“Stop flirting, you old charmer.” But I didn’t leave.

Charlie grunted as he sat down, spinning until he was facing me. I tried to maintain eye contact, but couldn’t quite keep it up.

He said, “What are you doing?”

I shrugged, going for casual and missing by a mile. “You heard. Trying to save the gay bar.”

“By pretending to be in a relationship with Darren to convince his father to somehow come over to your side but now you’ve somehow found yourself lying to all of your friends
except
Darren and are now on the losing side of a bet that I don’t think you ever had a chance of winning.”

“Wow,” I said. “Someone doesn’t believe in the power of positive thinking.”

“Probably because I’m too busy being rational,” he said. “Who am I speaking to right now?”

“Huh?” I looked back up at him.

“Is this Sandy or Helena? Because depending on what frame of mind you’re in right now, I’ll have to take this one of two ways.”

“Because that doesn’t make me sound bipolar at all.”

“If the straitjacket fits,” he said.

“Funny man,” I said, lips quirking into a smile. “Sandy. Just… Sandy.”

“Okay,” he said. “Sandy.”

“Yes.”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Hey!”

“No, seriously,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “What the hell were you thinking? Playing with someone like that. You’re not a cruel person, Sandy. I know you’re not. But now I see this in front of me and I don’t know what the hell to think.”

“I didn’t play with
anyone
. He knew what this was before anything happened.”

“Only because you blurted it out to him. You agreed to it beforehand without his consent. Why would you even agree to do this?”

“Because,” I said. “It wasn’t
about
me. It wasn’t
about
Darren. It was about the bar. Okay? It was about this place. Yeah, maybe we went about this the wrong way. But I would do
anything
for Jack It. This place belonged to Vaguyna and now it’s mine, and she would have done the same.”

“Maybe,” he said. “But Vaguyna wasn’t always the nicest person, Sandy. You never really got to see that. She could be mean when she wanted to. Never to you, of course. You were her baby and she wanted to impart as much of herself on you as she could. But I saw it. She could cut people down with that knife she called a mouth. She didn’t care who she stepped on to get where she did. I loved her. Understand that. I don’t know if anyone loved her more than I did, aside from maybe you. But even I could admit she wasn’t a very nice person. And I don’t want that for you.”

Charlie very rarely ever talked about Vaguyna, and when he did, it was usually done in a vague sort of way. And I wondered at them. These pseudo-parents. I thought maybe I could ask. “Did you…?”

He waited.

“You and Vaguyna. Were you…?”

He shrugged. “Most of the time. She thought I should find someone my own age. Someone less flighty. ‘You’ll be happier that way, Charlie,’ she used to say. ‘I’m a queen, no man can tame me. It’s useless to even try.’ But I didn’t want to tame her. I just wanted to be by her side. Be happy with her. And have her be happy with me.”

“Were you?” I asked hoarsely. “The both of you?”

“Most of the time,” he said again and that hurt, a little. To know that maybe some of the times they weren’t happy together. And that I was so caught up in myself that I never noticed. “But that’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that you are in a very precarious position.”

“I’m handling it just fine.”

Charlie snorted out a laugh. “Are you?”

“Darren knows what this is.”

“Do you?”

I took a step back. “I know it’s not real.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Apparently I don’t.”

“So you’re asking me to enlighten you,” he said.

And no, I really wasn’t. In fact, Toronto was starting to sound really good right now. I looked around surreptitiously for something to throw at him, not wanting it to be
too
heavy, because he was older and I didn’t want to break a bone. Just needed something to distract him so I could become Canadian.

“You throw something at me and I’ll tan your hide,” he warned.

“Dammit,” I muttered.

“I’ve been around queens for thirty years, Sandy. I know how you all think.”

“That’s kind of sweet, in a creepy sort of—”

“You like him,” he said bluntly.

“That’s stupid. Of course I don’t.”

“Boy, you can’t bullshit me any more than Vaguyna could. I don’t know why you think you can pull the wool over my eyes. You know that makes you stupider than you obviously think I am.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“You must if you think you can bullshit your way out of this one.”

I glared at him. “Old people are supposed to be jolly and say things like ‘Do you remember when we went to that sock hop and ate penny candy? Those sure were the days.’”

“I won’t have no problem popping you in the mouth if you sass me,” Charlie said. “You would do well to remember that.”

“My old person is broken,” I mumbled. “I demand a new old person.”

“You like him,” he said again.

I was annoyed. “Okay.
Fine
. What if I do? Nothing’s going to come of it.”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m not going to be a notch on his bedpost. I’m not some fucking twink he can screw and discard. I think I have a bit more self-respect than that. And there’s also the fact that I might like him, but I still hate him too.”