The Queen & the Homo Jock King (46 page)

Surrounded by people that I cared about.

Including my fake boyfriend.

Who I had real feelings for.

And who might feel the same way about me.

Even though we were technically lying to everyone in the room.

Except for Charlie.

And it was made slightly worse by Charlie, the bastard. Especially when he said (in a rather innocent tone of voice), “Did you see on the news about the mayor?”

Conversation pretty much came to a halt then.

I vowed to find the nearest nursing home with the poorest rating as soon as I could get my hands on a computer.

Larry and Matty gave slightly nervous glances toward Sherry, but she waved them away. “It’s fine,” she said with a wine-tinged grin. “I haven’t talked to him in years. It doesn’t bother me to hear about him. I’ve moved on. Repeatedly.”

“
Mom
,” Darren said, sounding horrified.

“Well maybe it bothers
other
people,” I said, eyes never leaving Charlie.

“Vince?” Charlie asked. “Does it bother you?”

“Nah,” Vince said. “I have stuffing and Paul, so I’m good.”

“Aww, babe,” Paul said. “Next time, don’t list me after stuffing.”

“But I can eat the stuffing now,” Vince said. “I can’t eat you until later.”

Pretty much everyone at the table made gagging sounds, even Sherry. Because that was gross. She was fitting right in.

“Darren, are you bothered?” Charlie asked, and I
knew
what he was doing.

“Um,” Darren said, looking between Charlie and me. “No?”

Charlie grinned. I did not. Darren figured out it was the wrong answer when I tried to stab him with my fork, but by then, it was too late. And also because he stole my fork.

“What news would that be, Charlie?” Matty asked. “Is it that he’s resigning and apologizing for ever opening his mouth?” She set down her wineglass. “Oh my, that was slightly vindictive of me. Darren, Vince, I apologize. I should have never said that in front of you. At the very least, I should have waited until you left the room, then said it. I feel terrible.”

Vince shrugged. “I don’t care. I don’t really talk to him at all.”

“That’s because you have other parents now.” Larry reached over and patted his hand. He looked at Darren. “And keep it up, young man. I could be your daddy too.”

I choked on my wine.

Matty leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“Uh-huh,” Larry said. “Uh-huh. You don’t say. Right. Oh. I can see how someone might get confused at that. Right. Right. Okay.” Matty leaned back as Larry spoke to Darren. “It has come to my attention that I should not refer to myself as your daddy. If that is your kink you share with Sandy, then that’s okay, because I am not one to kink shame. But I was not hitting on you and asking you to be my baby boy. For one, I’m in a monogamous relationship with a beautiful woman. And two, you are committed to Sandy, who is my drag son.”

“Glad we cleared that up,” Darren said.

“I’m the only daddy here.” Charlie crossed his arms over his chest.

No one disagreed with him.

“And three,” Paul said to his father with a laugh, “you’re straight.”

“What?” Larry said.

“You can’t be his daddy because you’re straight,” Paul said.

“Oh,” Larry said. “Well. I suppose.”

“You
suppose
?” Paul wasn’t laughing.

“I wouldn’t know,” Larry said. “I’ve never tested it out.”

“Tested it
out
?” Paul looked rather green.

“Not everything is black and white, dear,” Matty said. “Just because your father can talk about Tom Hardy’s lips doesn’t mean he’s going to leave me for a man. He knows I would hunt him down if he ever tried to divorce me.”

“She is terrifying and I adore her.” Larry smiled lovingly at his wife.

“Tom Hardy’s
lips
?” Paul squeaked.

“They’re very… masculine,” Larry said. “Did you know he used to have a nudity-filled Myspace account? My word, those pictures.”

“You have fine taste in men,” Corey said.

“Thank you, Corey,” Larry said, beaming. “If you were twenty years older and I wasn’t married, I’d probably hit that. But since that’s not the case, let’s just be friends.”

“Oh my god,” Paul moaned, banging his head on the table.

“Oh dear,” Matty said. “We got distracted yet again. Charlie, I apologize. What was it the mayor seems to be doing? Did he club baby seals and then wear their coats while fracking the earth?”

“It seems he’s pushing a big holiday fundraiser to benefit some local charities,” Charlie said.

“Doesn’t he do that every year?” Nana asked. “I always thought he did it because he was trying to atone for all the evil he’d accomplished the year before.”

“Right,” Charlie said. “Usually it’s a public event, but this year, it’s apparently only for the wealthy. A thousand dollars a plate.”

I sprayed wine all over the table.

“Sorry!” I choked. “Sorry. Went down the wrong tube, oh my god, a thousand dollars a
what
?”

Matty was frowning at me. “I think you just spit all over the green bean casserole that no one ever eats.”

“That’s because no one likes green bean casserole,” Nana said.

“Then why do I make it?”

Nana shrugged. “Beats the heck out of me.”

“This is slightly shocking,” Matty said, raising a hand to her breast. “I feel like part of my life has been a lie.”

“How can he charge a thousand dollars a
plate
?” I demanded. “Isn’t that, like… unethical? Or something? It seems unethical. And maybe illegal.”

“For charity?” Charlie asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Why do we care again?” Corey asked Paul.

“I haven’t figured that out yet,” Paul said. “But, to be honest, I’m still stuck on the fact that my mother never noticed that no one ate her green bean casserole. Her powers of observation really explain a lot about me as a person.”

“A lot,” Matty agreed. “You’re welcome. Also, maybe if some just
tried
the green bean casserole, they would see that it was good and then brainwa—I mean, convince the others to eat it as well.”

“Not it,” Larry said.

“What charities is he doing this for?” Sherry asked.

“Casa de los Niños and Angel Wings,” Charlie said. Like a jerk.

“Aren’t those the same charities you’re having the drag bachelor auction for?” Corey asked me, scrunching up his face.

“What a coincidence,” I ground out.

“Should have let me watch football,” Charlie whispered with a grin.

“You have to try it,” Matty said. “You promised in your vows to eat whatever I made for you.”

“No,” Larry said. “I vowed that I’d
consider
eating whatever you made. It didn’t mean I would actually do it.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have written our own vows,” Matty said, forehead scrunched up. “Or I should have written both of ours.”

“There’s no such thing as too much charity,” Darren said, and for some reason, he had an arm behind me on my chair, rubbing slow circles on my back. And for some reason, it was doing a lot to calm me down. So I leaned back into it, just a little. “It’s not like there’s a competition about it or anything.”

I barely restrained the look of horror that I was sure was about to burst on my face. Because that was
exactly
what it was. And if it was a thousand bucks a plate and he had two hundred attendees, then we were completely screwed, unless Mike was able to perform a miracle with the Super Gays. And, while amazing, there weren’t many of the Super Gays out there, especially those who were willing to part with their money. I should have known that Andrew Taylor would bring out the big heterosexual guns to the gay gunfight. Well, that was fine. Because we’d bring the motherfucking glitter cannons to the gunfight, and everyone knew that glitter cannons trumped heterosexual guns any day of the week. I’d figure something out. I always did. Especially since the future of Jack It was on the table.

I glared at Darren because he thought he was being
funny
, if that little smirk on his face meant anything. Like we had an inside
joke
about this. Any affection I might have been feeling for him was pretty much gone by the wayside. Mostly. There might have been a little bit left.

“Let’s talk about something else,” I said, trying hard not to grit my teeth.

“Like green bean casserole,” Matty said. “And how everyone loves it.”

“We decided on a venue,” Vince said. “For the wedding.”

“So no one is going to talk about the green bean casserole.” Matty frowned. “Awkward.”

“Uh-oh,” Paul said.

“Why uh-oh?” I asked.

Paul sighed. “Because I agreed to have it at the horse farm. We already booked the date and put down the deposit.”

“It’s not a
horse
farm.” Vince rolled his eyes. “It’s a
ranch
.”

“Is there a difference?” Corey asked.

“No,” I said. “Not even in the
slightest
. And I thought you said you didn’t want that!”

“I didn’t at first,” Paul said. “But Vince was able to change my mind.”

“How did you do that?” Nana asked him.

Vince grinned. It was slightly evil. “I promised him we’d do that one thing we always wanted to do.”

“Ew,” said most everyone at the table.

“Jesus Christ,” Paul muttered. “He’s talking about dressing up in costume for when the next
Star Wars
movie comes out.”

“That’s why you caved on the
horse farm
?” I demanded. “Why are you so damn
easy
?
Paul, you can’t wear white and ride a
horse
.”

“Oh boy,” Paul said. “Sandy, I have something to tell you. I probably should have told you this a long time ago.”

“What is it?” I asked, suddenly nervous. “Are you dying? That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you have a weird-shaped head. You consumed your brothers in the womb and now they’re tumors in your brain.”

“Weird-shaped head!” Paul snapped. “I don’t have a weird-shaped head!”

“Sure felt like it when it was coming out of me,” Matty said. “Sherry, would you like to try some green bean casserole? I made it. With green beans. And love.”

“I’m allergic to green beans,” Sherry said apologetically.

“Really?” Matty asked.

“No,” Sherry said. “But no one else wants to eat it, so I think it must be for a reason.”

“Do I make bad green bean casserole?” she wondered aloud. “That just doesn’t seem possible.”

“I’m not wearing white at the wedding,” Paul said.

“Why not?” I asked. “It’s beautiful and pristine and goes with everything—”

“Because I’m not a virgin.”

“I didn’t do it,” Vince said earnestly.

“I
know
you’re not a virgin,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Tommy De Milo absolutely
destroyed
your virginity when you were sixteen—”

Larry, Matty, and Nana frowned at him.

“—eighteen,” I corrected. “Eighteen and perfectly legal and everyone was sober.”

“Who is Tommy De Milo?” Vince asked with scowl.

“No one you have to worry about,” Paul said. “And thanks for that, Sandy. Because that’s exactly what my parents need to hear.”

“I bet I’m bigger than he is,” Vince said.

“Can we not talk about
size
at the dinner table?” Paul hissed.

“I meant my
arms
.”

“Oh. Right. Uh. That’s what I meant too. Your arms. Nothing else.” He looked shifty-eyed. He totally wasn’t talking about Vince’s arms. Which I did have a mild curiosity about, especially since I’d blown Vince in my dream.

“Fine,” I muttered. “No white, and we’ll have the small wedding at a horse farm. Crush all my dreams, why don’t you.”

“Oh, no worries, boy,” Charlie said. “You can have the big white extravagant wedding of your dreams when Darren here makes an honest man out of you.”

Darren and I slunk lower in our seats.

“Knowing Darren,” Sherry said, “he’ll want everyone to dress up like Thundercats. He got pretend married when he was seven and all his Thundercat toys were in attendance to wish the happy couple a prosperous life together.”

“Who was he marrying?” Nana asked.

It was clear by the look on his face that Darren wished he was anywhere but where he was.

“Leonardo,” Sherry said.

“Da Vinci?” Corey asked.

“Da Ninja Turtle,” Sherry said.

“That’s adorable,” Paul said, grinning maliciously. “I am
so
down with cosplay weddings.”

“Oh my god,” I said. “We are
not
having anyone dress up like Thundercats at our wedding. Are you out of your mind? First and foremost, it’s supposed to be an elegant and
sophisticated
ceremony, for fuck’s sake. Secondly, everyone will be dressed
appropriately
for such an event, which does
not
include cosplay.”

“What about the drag queens?” Paul asked. He looked far too happy for some reason. “Surely, that wouldn’t apply to drag queens.”

I frowned at him. “Drag queens can be classy too, Paul. You know that. Just because we’re gaudy by nature doesn’t mean we don’t know how to tone it down. If my sisters want to come in drag, they may, just as long as they don’t try to upstage me. You don’t want to know what kind of unholy hell I will rain down upon them if they try and upstage me.”

“And where would this wedding occur?” Sherry asked.

“Definitely not at a church,” I said with a laugh. “I mean, can you imagine? We’re not religious at all, and I know Dare won’t mind.” I took another sip of wine. “Not a destination wedding, though. That’s too gimmicky. Maybe in the mountains? I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. We have time.”

“Right,” Paul said. “The wedding you’re going to have with Darren.”

“Right,” I said absently. “The wedding I’m going to have with D—”

Wait. What.

I looked back up. Everyone, and I mean
everyone,
was staring at me with slightly surprised looks on their faces. Well, aside from Paul. Paul looked extraordinarily smug.

And Darren. Darren was
gaping
at me, hands gripping the edges of the table like he’d just heard something so shocking, he hadn’t quite been able to comprehend it.