The Queen & the Homo Jock King (65 page)

I wiped my mouth while cursing my penis for betraying me. “Whatever. You know what you look like. You’re making this difficult.”

“It’s my boyfriendly duty to make things difficult,” he said, and that made me a little light-headed, especially when he grinned at me.

“You have to think of the children,” I reminded him.

He grimaced. “I really wish you wouldn’t tell me to think of children when we’re both naked and you have my jizz drying on your neck. It’s really wrong and detracts from the moment we just shared. Also, you still have a boner.”

“It’s not
my
fault you came that much. Who
does
that? Your balls aren’t even that big!”

“Hey!” he barked. “I have perfectly sized balls. Everyone says so.”

“Everyone?” I growled at him. “Who the fuck is
everyone
?”

“What? That’s not even—oh my god, how do you even get me
involved
in conversations like this?”

“Crack babies!” I shouted back at him, and headed for the stairs.

He cursed behind me as I threw open the doors and ran down the stairs. I couldn’t believe that I’d let Darren distract me from the endgame that we’d be working for. Sure, it was a perfectly wonderful distraction, in that I’d just gotten pounded like a nail at a construction site and now had a boyfriend to show for it, but there was
still
an endgame to focus on. And I needed to make sure we’d done enough to have a fighting chance against Andrew Taylor and his Republican Army of Doom.

I made it downstairs and threw open the bottom door, strolling into the bar, focused on getting to Mike as quickly as possible, knowing it was what Vaguyna would have wanted. She was counting on me to save Jack It and I would
do this for her
.

I didn’t even really notice that the bar went silent the moment I stepped out from the stairs. I ignored everyone sitting at the bar. Izaac gaped at me and dropped a bottle of vodka on the floor. It didn’t sound like it shattered, so lucky him. And since I knew men on missions got parched, I slapped my hand on the bar as I stood right in front. “Tequila, if you please!”

He nodded, wide-eyed, before he set a shot glass on the bar and proceeded to pour me a shot. I slammed it back and signaled him to pour me another.

It was while I was drinking the second shot that I heard Darren stumbling on the stairs. I looked back as he slammed open the door, fumbling with his jeans and little else.

“I told you this was the best bar,” one of the patrons whispered to his companion.

“Is it
always
like this?” the companion whispered back.

“Usually there are more sequins, but pretty much.”

“Sandy!” Darren barked at me.

“Stop trying to wile me with your chest hair and your pubes!” I bellowed at him, considering chucking my shot glass at him. But then I realized that he was my boyfriend now and that would be considered domestic violence, and the thought made me grin goofily. The boyfriend part, not the domestic violence part. No one should grin goofily at domestic violence.

“What is it with you and
wile
?” he said, still trying to button up his jeans but failing admirably as he stalked toward me.

“That’s my boyfriend,” I announced to everyone, because I felt like it should be said. “And I would never commit domestic violence against him.”

“Aww,” Izaac said. “I guess you won’t need to be looking at my nipples anymore.”

“What?” Darren asked, glaring at Izaac. “Why were you staring at his nipples?”

“I wasn’t,” I said. “That was before you, bae. I haven’t even
seen
them since you.”

“I bet mine are bigger,” Darren said, sticking out his chest and posing.

Izaac squinted at him. “You bet your nipples are bigger than mine? Do you have abnormally large nipples?”

“What’s even happening right now?” the patron whispered.

“Honestly?” his friend said. “I have no idea. But I like it.”

“I don’t have time for your nipple contest!” I yelled at them and turned to head toward Mike’s office behind Jack It.

“Sandy!” Darren growled after me.

I walked through the hallway and out to the back patio, where the Karaoke Sunday BBQ was happening. There was a good-sized crowd outside, and some poor soul was positively destroying a Taylor Swift song (which, ironically, somehow made it sound better). But he stopped screeching into the microphone and the music stopped as soon as I stepped onto the patio.

“Girl,” Georgia O’Queef said from next to the karaoke machine. “I don’t even want to know where you been, but you got spunk on your neck.”

“It’s all Darren’s fault,” I snapped over my shoulder as I pushed my way through the crowd.

“
My
fault,” he shouted after me. “
You
were the one that made me come on your face!”

“Oh my word,” Georgia said. “Y’all need Jesus.”

I made my way to the back of the bar and through the gate before Darren could catch up with me. I reached Mike’s trailer and didn’t even bother knocking. I threw open the door and stepped inside.

Mike was sitting behind the desk, hunched over his computer. He looked startled when I stepped in, and then his jaw dropped.

“Did we raise enough?” I demanded, standing before him, my hands on my hips.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he said incredulously.

I frowned at him. “What are you talking about? You listen here,
Mike
. Just because I didn’t knock doesn’t mean—”

“Did you just come through the
bar
?” he asked, high-pitched.

“Yeah. Where the fuck else would I have been?”

“We serve
alcohol
in there,” Mike retorted. “You can’t have full frontal nudity and serve alcohol in the same place in Arizona!”

And it was about that time that I realized I was completely and utterly naked.

And I had just stormed through the bar.

Where there were dozens of people.

Darren burst into the trailer just as I began to screech.

“Stop looking at it!” I screamed at Mike, trying to cover myself.

“I
can’t
!” Mike cried. “It’s
right there
!”

“Hey!” Darren snapped. “Stop looking at his dick. Only I can do that. Boyfriend privileges!” Darren stood in front of me, trying to put as much of himself between Mike and me as he could.

“This is your fault,” I said to Darren, smacking him across the back of his head. Then, “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to domestically violence you! Please don’t leave me. I swear I can change. It’ll never happen again. It was the tequila, I promise!”

Darren glared at me over his shoulder. “You just ran through the bar,” he growled. “
Naked
.”

“I am aware of that now,” I said. “To be honest, I’m not quite sure what just happened there.”

“Is that
jizz
on your neck?” Mike wheezed.

I scowled at Darren. “Next time you come on my face, you better make sure it’s all off when we’re finished.”

“Yes, dear,” he snarked at me.

And, because I found his sarcasm to be amazing, I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. I felt him smile against my lips.

“Wait,” Mike said. “What is this?” He pointed between the two of us.

“What’s what?” I asked, hooking my chin on Darren’s shoulder.

“This,” Mike said. “You two. I thought this was faked. Paul was
furious
with me.”

“Oh,” I said. “Yes, well. Things change. It turns out that Darren’s been lusting after me for years and has been drowning himself in twinks to try and get the bittersweet taste of Helena out of his mouth.”

“That’s really not what happened,” Darren said. “Okay, it sort of is. But to be fair, Sandy has been pining for me probably for just as long.”

“That’s not even what happened at all,” I said through gritted teeth. “Okay, it pretty much is, but what the fuck! Bae, if you recall, we decided upstairs that you were the one that came crawling after me because you needed to correct your horrible wrongs.”

“That’s not what we agreed to,” Darren said affably. “And if
you’ll
recall, you’re the one that dressed all our friends like a cracked-out Village People and followed me on a date I didn’t even want to be on, all because you were
jealous
.”

“And you were the one that ate my ass next to a dumpster because you couldn’t resist finally getting your hands on my jelly!”

“Are you quoting Destiny’s Child right now?
Seriously
?”

“Oh my god, you’re such a
homo
. Do you love Destiny’s Child? Do you have their poster hanging above your bed? Do you light a candle and say a prayer every night to Queen B?”

“Both of you need to shut the
fuck up
!” Mike shouted.

And that got us to stop.

Good thing too, because I was getting hard again. Who knew that bickering with Darren was one of my turn-ons?

Well, I suppose I should have known that. We’d been doing it for years, after all.

“Let me get this straight,” Mike said. “You two are together now. Like seriously, no bullshit together.”

“Yeah,” I said, and the smile that Darren gave was
blinding
.

“Holy fucking shit,” he said, sounding shocked. “It worked. I am
amazing
.”

“Yes, well,” I said. “It was about time Darren pulled his head out of his—what do you mean
you’re
amazing?
What
worked?” I didn’t like the sound of that.

Mike sat back down in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face, chuckling to himself. I
really
didn’t like the sound of that.

“Mike,” I said ominously. “What did you do?”

“We raised almost a hundred and fifty thousand dollars,” he said.

I blinked. “Are you serious?”

He sat back in his chair, eyeing us gleefully. “Completely. And all the money will go to the charities, as much as it pains me.”

“You need to think of the crack babies,” I scolded him.

“Every night before I go to sleep,” he said dryly. “I’m sure they’ll have a noncrack Christmas this year.”

“Do you think it’ll be enough to beat your father?” I asked Darren.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It depends on how much support he can get. It’s usually a big turnout every year.”

“We need to hit up the Super Gays again,” I said to Mike. “We can’t take the chance that he could pull ahead at the last minute.”

“Yeah,” Mike said. “About that. I don’t think you have to be worried about that.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Explain.”

“Are you happy?” he asked me.

“With you? That remains to be seen, but the chances aren’t looking good.”

He rolled his eyes. “With Darren.”

Darren tensed in front of me, like he thought there was a chance I’d say no. What an idiot. “Probably the happiest I’ve been,” I said truthfully.

“When we get out of here, I am going to do so many things to you,” Darren muttered under his breath.

“Yes please,” I whispered back. Then, louder, “What does that have to do with anything?”

Mike smiled that slippery smile of his. “See, funny story, and stick with me here, okay? So, I
may
have stretched the truth about how much trouble Jack It was in.”

“What,” I said flatly.

“Once upon a time, I saw this—”

“
Mike
.”

He sighed. “I signed the new contract on Jack It.”

“When?”

“The week after your lunch with Andrew Taylor.”

“
What
?” I shrieked, immediately feeling guilty when Darren winced.

Mike shrugged. “Do you know how much shit I’ve got on him? On his entire administration? There was never any chance the contract wouldn’t get signed. It probably also didn’t hurt that Lambda Legal sent the city of Tucson a nice inquiry letter, asking why a new contract hadn’t been provided as of yet. That letter, coupled with a few phone calls to remind certain officials of favors that were owed to me for keeping my mouth shut and
voila
! Jack It is contracted to remain open until sometime in the next decade.” Then he frowned at me. “Though, if you plan on running naked through my bar, that might not always be the case.”

“Darren, you need to move,” I growled.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I’m about to commit murder.”

“Yeah,” Darren said. “I don’t think I’m going to do that. I just got you and I don’t think I’m the type to go for conjugal visits.”

“Rude,” I said. “And don’t lie. You’d find some way to break me out. And if you couldn’t do that, then I’d expect you to at least commit a crime so that you’d be incarcerated with me. Our love burns bright.”

“Not that brightly,” Darren said, the snarky bastard.

“This is so nice,” Mike said, smiling dreamily at us. “I can’t believe this worked.”

“
What
worked?” I snarled at him.

“You two,” Mike said, as if it were obvious. “I got you together. That was the whole point of this.”

We both gaped at him.

He rolled his eyes. “You seriously haven’t figured that out?”

“What the fuck,” I said faintly.

“Look,” Mike said. “I knew Darren was in love with you, but wasn’t doing anything about it. And I knew
you
had feelings for him, but instead of manning up and admitting to yourself what everyone else could see, you decided to act like a bitch toward him. And I told myself, Mike ol’ buddy, you need to find some way to get these two crazy kids together.”

“Is this real life?” I breathed to Darren.

“I can feel your penis poking me,” he said. “So yeah. I think so.”

“My bad,” I said.

“It’s cool.”

He was so awesome. I didn’t know why I couldn’t see it before.

“So I decided to play the role of fairy godfather,” Mike said. “Because if there’s one thing I love in this world, it’s love.”

“You’re seriously out of your fucking mind,” I said.

“Probably,” he agreed. “But it worked, didn’t it? Unbelievably well, if those dead babies on your neck mean anything.”