The Rabbi and The Rebbetzin (22 page)

Shulamit
then began to explain her problems to the rabbi. She spoke about the fun-loving
style that she used to enjoy and that she would now have to relinquish. She was
worried that her faith was not strong enough to live such a perfect existence. The
boredom and the inhibitions would kill her. She recalled the warning that Bill
Mazer had given her, and the withdrawal of all her friends since her
engagement. She then gave the rabbi a complete picture of all her experiences
since that event.

The
chaplain organized his thoughts and said that he would try to analyze her
problems in reverse order. “As far as your friends deserting you, I don’t think
it is guilt or shame that causes them to act in such a manner. It is feelings
of jealousy that makes them act the way they do. As with all college students,
they are young and immature. In a few years, when they go to work, get married
and have children, they will become as conservative as you are. They envy the
fact that you have chosen a sedate form of life long before they realized that
such living is necessary when people grow up. I would counsel you to ignore
their behavior. You will have time to develop deeper and more meaningful
friendships where you work and where you serve the community.

“Let
me tell you of my own experience. I married a girl who was not a Sabbath-observer
and never went to Hebrew school. She was a lively girl and enjoyed life. Over
the years she settled down and learned about her religion. Her lifestyle became
serious and she had no problem adjusting to it. She enjoys helping other people
and is a first-class rebbetzin. There was never any thought of her giving up
her own career as a school psychologist.

“You
have to be very thankful to our Father in Heaven because he has blessed you
with everything you need. You will never be burdened with preparing meals by
yourself, with cleaning your house and tending children. Other women who are
burdened with these problems are tied down to the point where they can hardly
feel the joy of life. You could live the life of a lady at leisure and find
excitement everywhere. If you choose to follow your career, you will find
satisfaction in your work.

“As
far as pleasure is concerned, it is not found in bars or at parties. The
greatest pleasure that life offers is the feeling you get when you help other
people. Whether you help them meet financial needs or solve personal problems,
you will find the experience rewarding. I am sure that you know that we have
not been created and put into this world to have a good time. We are here to
serve God and help our fellow man.

“I
know that you and your father are very charitable and you are happy when you
help people financially, but don’t do everything by sending checks. You should
take an interest in the people who seek the help of the rabbi and his wife in
moments of distress. As the prophet Isaiah taught us: ‘Share your bread with
the hungry and take the wretched poor into your home...’

“The
extraordinary wisdom with which you have been endowed should not only make you
happy with your life but could enrich the lives of others. You could find
feelings of joy in creative writing, teaching and public speaking. The people
that you inspire will appreciate you and that will give you happiness.

“I
have a word for Bill Mazer and all his cohorts. They may express themselves in
words but their words are the thoughts of the
Yetzer Hara
(evil
inclination), which we all have as part of our substance.”

“Rabbi,
you have made me feel much better. May I take some more of your time to seek
your counsel with problems that I anticipate with my husband to be? He loves me
too much and he holds me in too high esteem. He can’t seem to understand why
God blessed him with a wife who is smart, rich and beautiful. Those are his
words and not mine. He is always afraid of losing me and as a result he acts a
little wimpy at times. Isn’t he supposed to rule over me, as it is written in
the Torah?”

“Face
it, Shula, no one is going to ever rule over someone like you. If he is faced
with a bruised ego, I suggest that he do what you have done, namely talk to a
rabbi and seek his guidance. I would suggest that he talk to Rabbi Bernstein at
his yeshiva, who is a Talmid Chacham (a scholar), and I will help you as well.

“You
may imagine at times that you are smarter than he is. Don’t ever feel that way,
because it is not a fair comparison. You speak from your own mind. He speaks
from his own mind only partially. He is really speaking the words of Torah and
the words of the great rabbis of Israel over 2,000 years. You may be a match
for Aaron Adler, but you are no match for him united with the Torah,
Maimonides, Ramban, Rashi and the Ibn Ezra.

“He
may also be influenced by God’s words when He told Abraham, ‘All that Sarah
says to you, listen to her voice.’

“May
I add another word of wisdom? The Torah does not prohibit all pleasures in life
and does not demand that we live an ascetic existence. We are allowed to drink
and there is even a blessing over wine. What God ruled out was excessive
pleasure that causes us to lose our sense of morality. The Torah strongly
condemned the drinking of Noah and Lot which caused sinful and shameful consequences.”

Shula
said, “They skipped that part in my day school. I will have to read up on it or
ask Aaron for instruction.”

The
rabbi said, “I see you are feeling better already.”

“Rabbi,
do you accept a fee for counseling services?”

“I
do not charge for counseling, but we do have a box to collect funds for
students who are beset with needy problems, such as losing their credit cards
before going home for the Holidays”, he said with a smile.

Shula
thanked the rabbi once more. On the way out she wrote a check and deposited it
in the charity box.

Back
in Pittsburgh, Aaron was also having problems after the engagement. He
remembered the words of a teacher in the philosophy class which he took as an
undergraduate in Duquense. The teacher cited a quotation from Arthur
Schopenhauer, “To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.” The
German philosopher may have been correct in general, but it did not apply to
Aaron in his forthcoming marriage. He doubted that he would have any rights
left after marrying such a dominant personality as Shulamit Levine. Even if he
had some rights left he would be afraid to assert them. He was so afraid of
losing his gifted wife-to-be, that he would avoid taking any stance in domestic
affairs.

As
far as the other half of Schopenhauer’s wisdom, that foresaw an increase in
duties, it also did not apply in his case. Once he got married, he would have
no duties at all. One lady would do all the cooking, yet another would do the
cleaning, yet another would do the laundry and one man would drive the car.

He
was constantly asking himself how God had favored him over all other men and
granted him a mate that was blessed with all the attributes that a woman could
have. True, he had learned Torah faithfully, but he knew of many Torah scholars
who were hard-pressed even to make ends meet. Only his sense of self-worth
would prevent him from taking full advantage of the wealth of his father-in-law
to be.

Aaron’s
concern over his good fortune focused on two specific problems. He knew well
the teaching of King Solomon who said that the sleep of the working man is
sweet, but, for the rich man, his wealth does not allow him any rest. This
thought was echoed in
Ethics of the Fathers
, where it is written that
one who increases his property increases his worries. Worry about one’s
property comes in two forms. One is the possibility of theft, and the other is the
problem of the
ayin hara
(evil eye). People become jealous of rich men
to the point where they invoke an evil eye upon them and curse them with
misfortune.

The
final area of concern was the qualities of his wife to be. The Torah made it
clear that a Jew may not covet his neighbor’s wife and put this prohibition
together with the heavy commands against murder, theft and idolatry that are
included in the Ten Commandments. There was no way that he could keep his
beautiful wife out of the sight of other men.

Aaron’s
insecurity reached the point where it affected his concentration and caused him
undue anxiety. Maybe it wasn’t so wise to strive for a mate in the class of
Shulamit Levine. Maybe he should have waited for his father to visit the Shadchan
and find him a much less aristocratic bride.

One
additional problem for Aaron was that Shulamit’s religious training only
reached a day school level. It would hardly meet the needs of a practicing rebbetzin.
Shulamit would have to adjust to living a very quiet and strictly observant
life. Despite the assurances that she had given him in the summer, he was not
certain that she understood how much willpower it would require from her to
change her way of life.

In
seeking advice and counsel, he refrained from consulting the European-trained faculty
members at the yeshiva. They felt that he should never have sought to marry
Shulamit Levine and if he were going to sell out to the devil, that was his
problem. That left only three possibilities. One was Shalom Pinkes, whom he
excluded immediately because Shalom was younger than him and was not married.
Aaron also eliminated Rabbi Weiss, the executive director who was not currently
involved in Torah studies. That left only Rabbi Bernstein, who was the only
other choice possible. Rabbi Bernstein had helped him deal with rabbinic and
sermonic problems when he had first started to work at Beth Israel. The rabbi’s
advice was very helpful and enabled him to succeed both with the shul and
thereafter with Shulamit.

Rabbi
Bernstein was quite eager to help Aaron as he did in the past, but he was
amazed at Aaron’s concern about Shulamit. He said to Aaron, “I don’t know of
any man in this world who would not want a girl like Shulamit. You should
consider yourself specially blessed by the Almighty.”

“Rabbi,
you know the story of Honi Hama’agel, the rain maker. When the people
desperately needed rain, they asked Honi to pray for them. The rains came down
in such heavy volume that they had to plead with Honi to return and pray for
the rains to stop. When I prayed for a good Shidduch, the Almighty blessed me
with such good fortune that I felt that He overdid it. There’s a Yiddish
expression that when the kalla (bride) is too attractive, trouble ensues.”

“What
exactly is troubling you?” Rabbi Bernstein wished to know.”

“Can
I speak to you frankly?” Aaron asked.

“Certainly,”
the rabbi said.

“As
you know, rabbi, I have never even touched a girl, while Shulamit has dated the
most elegant men. Maybe she will be unhappy with my lack of romantic skills?”

“You
know, of course, that the yeshiva offers premarital instruction for any
students who expect to be married in the near future.”

“You
might as well skip that approach,” Aaron said. “In those classes they only
teach you what you are not allowed to do. I learned the
Shulchan Aruch
as well as they did and I don’t need more restrictions. What I am looking for is
someone who could teach me what I may do and how to do it.”

“Let
me tell you, Aaron, Adam and Eve did not attend any sex-education classes. They
ate the forbidden fruit to build up their passion and the rest followed
instinctively. If you have the proper desire, a smart fellow like you will
figure it out quickly. If you do something that your bride does not appreciate,
she will let you know in a hurry.”

When
Aaron saw that he wasn’t going to get any help from Rabbi Bernstein on this
subject, he went on to a different matter. “Another problem that I have is that
I am very shy by nature and that I might fail to impress my bride with my self-confidence
and poise. I am so afraid of alienating her that I become too hesitant when I
speak to her. I am afraid to direct her as what to do and correct her when she
is wrong because she is so much smarter and knowledgeable than I am. She will
get defensive and angry with me if I do so.”

“You
have a real problem with that, Aaron. The one who should get advice on that question
is the wife. To keep me and my ego happy, my wife has learned to ask me
questions even when she knows the answer. If I answer correctly, she tells me
how brilliant I am. If I am in error, she keeps quiet. Whatever you do, don’t
call your Shulamit an idiot. Use expressions such as ‘your idea is good,
Shulamit, but let me respectfully offer an alternate plan.’ When she comes up
with a good plan, make sure you compliment her on her wisdom. When you sing
Aishes
Chayil
(‘Woman of Valor’), do so with a lot of expression. Also remember to
compliment her frequently on her dress and appearance.”

“Thank
you for your advice,” Aaron said. “I can see why you have been happily married
these many years.”

Aaron
was in an uplifted mood when he left Rabbi Bernstein. He continued his teaching
work and decided that at the end of the semester he would move to Philadelphia.
He had to apply for work in the Philadelphia public school system several
months before the wedding. He arranged for his personal records, transcripts and
application to be sent together with letters of reference from the schools
where he taught. The day school was sorry to see him go but realized that after
marriage he could not live separately from his wife. The school principal wrote
glowing letters of reference and praised his work.