The Realm of Possibility (2 page)

once time is lit, it will burn
whether or not you're breathing it in.
even after smoke becomes air
there is the memory of smoke.

i am seeing, as if by the light of a match,
a glimpse of my life
and having it feel right.

this will linger.

i.

don't touch me

i said
because i can't
handle
someone being
good to me.

he heard me
and he listened
and i thought
my body would cry
from all it felt
and all it couldn't.

he leaned
on the pillow and i missed him
so i curled into
his side and stroked
his arm. i didn't
mind touching him.
he was solid.
he was there
as i dissolved.
why do you
do this?
he asked.
even though
i wasn't sure
what he meant
i said
i don't know
because that
had become
my answer
to everything.

ii.

there is
negative noticing
and there is
positive noticing.
i walk the hallway with
my friend elizabeth
and i can't help
but hate her
because she doesn't care
if they notice
(negatively)
or if they notice
(positively)
and i hate myself
because i can't help
caring, looking to see
if they notice
and what they think.

you can see
her bra strap
it's practically
at her neck
and because of this
i'm not listening
as she asks me
about last night
about pete
and what he means
to me. she doesn't like
how big he is or
how little i am
even though
she doesn't care
what shape she's in
or whether her
bra strap is showing
for all the world to
ignore.
three boys pass
without seeing me.
i should be glad
but instead
i'm the opposite.
the negative.

iii.

he intercepts me
outside the cafeteria.
we'd been at his house
which meant i was
the one to leave.
and as i walked home
i imagined him
on the couch
still reaching for me
still touching air.

how are you?
he asks.
no
hello
no greeting kiss
for me to avoid.
no, he wants to
know how i am
and i can't stop
thinking
you care
too much—
don't you know
i'm bound
to leave
you?

he reaches into
his bag. he rustles
and digs and
rummages until
finally
he takes out
all his books
to find me
a crushed
paper crane
that his sister
has made.
a thousand
for peace
and one
for me.

look at it
fly,
he says,
but before
he can send it
through the halls,
i touch
his arm and
he puts it
in my hands
and puts his
fingers under mine,
cupping the crane
as he says it
again,
look at it
fly.

iv.

who was it
who invented
size zero?

who was it
who promised
that if you got
to a certain point
you would no
longer be?

v.

his body is
unbelievable.
then i am
touching it
and i believe.

he used to
believe too
but i think
being with me
has made him
lose some of
his faith. we
are lying there
and he says
out of the blue
i miss being
ticklish.
i would laugh
at anything.

he moves to
tickle me. i know he's
being playful,
but i knock
his hand away.
i tell him to
stop it.
he says
it used to
be fun.
then
he says
i worry
about you

and i tell him
don't

and he says
that's exactly
why.

vi.

at the mall
elizabeth says
is that all
you're eating?

and i tell her
i'm having dinner
later and she says,
mary, it's nine.
and i tell her
i'm okay and
she says
that
wasn't my

question
and
i say
you know
it was
and she
says
that's true.
i just wanted
to see if you
knew it,
too.

vii.

why won't they
leave me
alone?
don't they
realize i
have a
tinder heart
and a
paper body
and that
any spark
will turn me
straight to
ash?

viii.

he takes me
driving.
he looks
nervous
and i wonder
if he's taking
me out to the
woods to
dump me.

they might
never find
the body,
i joke. he laughs
but it's a laugh
he has to
think about
first.

we have a
spot at an
overlook.
we always
stop there
to take in
the hilly view.
sometimes

the picnic bench
has families,
other times
drunks or bikers,
but this time
it's waiting
just for us.

pete takes out
a basket of
food and
two beers.
I nibble at
the crackers
and try not to
think about them.
we are a nice
couple on a nice
date.

we talk about
gossip and
parents and
exams and
then he says
he has something
to tell me, and what
he has to tell me
is that i am
not happy, not
healthy, that i
need help.

it is not him
talking. these
are not the kind
of words he
uses.
who put
you up to this?
i yell.
who are you
doing this for?

and he says
i'm doing it for you.

i get mad. i
am screaming
at him that he's
no better, that
he's as trapped
in his body
as i am and that
if he thinks
all of his working
out and obsession
about his body
is any different
than what i worry
about then he's
stupid and deluded.

and he says
you're right,
and he says
i made him
realize this
before i even
said a word.
and he says
he doesn't
know what
to do and i
suggest he just
give up on me
and he says
that's not
an option.
i tell him
i want to go
home. he stares
for a second,
takes me in,
then says if
that's what i want,
we can. when we
get back i storm
out of the car
and slam the door
and when my mom
asks me what's wrong
i realize i can't tell
anybody about this
because i know
they'll all agree
with him.

ix.
i want
him to
give up.

no.

no, i
don't.

x.

he starts
working out
less, only
at practice,
only when
it's expected.
not for me,
but because
of me.
he says
it's a matter
of priorities
he'd gotten
wrong.

it's not his body
that changes
right away.
it's something
inside. he says
he wants to
be a little
weaker. i don't
understand.
i say
thinner?
and he says
no, i want
to be stronger
in a different
way.
not
because of me,
but for me.

xi.

elizabeth tells me
it's all my
decision.
then we
take out our
sketchbooks
and consider
a tulip
in her yard.

i can barely
lift
the pencil. i
feel that
weighed
down.

xii.

that night
i am
all alone
in the house.
my parents
have left me
for a movie.

pete is at
an away game.
elizabeth is
on a date.
so my whole
world is
this empty
house.

i could just
watch tv
write some e-mail
but instead
i wander
the house
like a
ghost.

i run
my hands
over
the piano.
i score
the silence.
i tread
through air.
i feel
gone.

i feel
like the
shadow
behind the
shades.

from room
to room
my bare feet
on the
bare floor
my thoughts
are air
nowhere
nothing
is in me
with me
no moon
no night
i do not
turn on
the lights
everything
is where
i know it
to be
beyond
sight.

i end up
in the kitchen
i end up
in front of
the refrigerator
in front of
the door
i open
quietly
to be bathed
in the light
that would
startle
phantoms
the light
that makes me
glow
like a
midnight
visitation.

and i stand
there and i
wonder what
i am doing
i wonder
what
i
should
do
and i don't
know i
don't know
i don't know
what
to do
i don't
know whether
to take
to hold
to stay
to walk away
and i think
that is it—
that is
everything
and i sit
on the
kitchen tile
and i stare
into that
light with
all the plastic
colors behind it
all the
cold that
is not the
real air
all the feelings
are dead
inside me
and i
want them
to be
alive.

xiii.

at midnight
i am
at his
front door.
the question
he asks is
why are you
so cold?

and i say
why are you so warm?

as he's
holding me
close
and he says
i just am
and still
i can't
say it.
i follow
him into
the den
quiet steps
so his parents
won't wake.
he holds
my hand
and when we
close the door
and lean into
the couch
all he wants
to do is
talk
but i put
my finger
to his lips
i tell him
to
shhhh
i take off
his shirt
trace the
lines until
he pulls
me close
holds
me with
such caring
looks at me
with such
caring
such open
vulnerability
i know
he wants me
to be the one
who can break
him
but doesn't.

and when he
catches me
off guard
and says
i love you
i catch him
off guard
and say
i need your help.

track one: something to you

there was a time before you
but I can't remember it now
a time before your beauty and I
were formally introduced
I'm sure I lived without you
but I don't remember how
can't imagine living without
these feelings you've produced

just one glance
and my life was redrawn
just one word
and my vocabulary changed
I asked the time
and you said
what's the hurry?
you asked my name
and I almost forgot

I know
the odds are all against me
and I know
you might not feel this way too
but I know
I would rather die trying
to know
if I could mean something to you

seven wonders of the world
and I have to ask for an eighth
fill a bottle with some prayers
and spend them on hope
create an easy route
just so I can complicate
send my heart down that
slippery slope

we're on
our way to being friends
and I guess I'd
like to make a detour
you seem
to recognize me in the halls
you wave hello
and I lose all of my nerve
I know
the odds are all against me
and I know
you might not feel this way too
but I know
I would rather die trying
to know
if I could mean something to you
I want this world
small enough for the two of us
I want you to think of me
that way
I want this world
to crash us into marvelous
I want you to kiss me
and say:

I know
the odds are all against us
and I know
you feel this way too
so I know
I would rather die trying
to know
if I could mean something to you

[repeat last verse]

track two: you need a girl

Forget about the guys who never call.

Forget about the ones who set you up to see you fall.

Princes leave you at the ball.

Take a break from guys who never see—

Depressive jerks who want to say who you should be.

Find the one who'll set you free. …

You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who'll come through.
You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who needs you.

You've suffered through too many dates.

You've fended off the ones who only want to mate—

You're what they masturbate.

They'll never see you have a mind.

They'll always act like they're at least five years behind.

Never knowing to be kind.

You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who'll see you.
You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who needs you.

No more of the tired girl and boy.

All the methods that your parents will deploy
To keep you from your joy.

Find the one who clearly understands
That you don't have to land yourself a man.

Give your side a hand.

A girl, a girl, a girl

You'll be amazed at what you've found
With your spirits up and toilet seats placed face-down.

Embraces all around.

Sleep without that constant fear.

Silent struggles, being distant when you're near.

The answer is right here.

You need a girl, a girl, a girl who needs you.
You need a girl, a girl, a girl who loves you.
Right here …
Right here …

track three: my history
the first time I kissed someone
my heart raced for hours
I didn't know if I'd ever recover
if it was already too late.
I just lay in my room
and reveled in the newfound power
that a motion so small
could have the full force of fate.

it wasn't love that time
more like experimentation
I had to wait some time
for something more real.
some kisses I found
were pure lamentation
and other lips I touched
for something to feel.

you are not the first girl
that I have fallen for
and I know I'm not the first girl
that you'd ever choose.
you are not the first girl
you are not the first girl
to have led me to longing
but you could be the first girl
I don't manage to lose.

I'm not good at relationships
I always manage to find the flaws
sometimes in others
but mostly my own.
I foretell the ending
then go and create the cause
save mysefl
and end up alone.