The Red Thread (15 page)

Okay, you can come over here now *huggles*

Huggles, that’s cute. I like that word. It sounds like something he would say.

I’ll be over soon.

I grab my bag and coat and tell my family I’m going out. The wind is bitter when I walk outside, and I almost wish I had a ski mask to protect my face. As I walk against the wind, I feel the coldness in my teeth. They’re so cold it almost hurts.

When I see the sight of Adam’s apartment building, I almost want to dance, and I don’t dance. Ever. Well, unless it’s by myself in my bedroom. I don’t care who watches as I break out into a run, and I sprint into the building, race up the stairs, and knock on Adam’s door. I hear his footsteps inside walking toward the door. He answers in a pair of light gray lounge pants and a white T-shirt that clings to his muscles and his body in the right way.

“C-c-come in.”

I enter his apartment, and he takes my coat, laying it on his couch. We sit down, and I cuddle up to him as he wraps his muscular arms around me. I close my eyes, and I enjoy being in his arms. I feel safe with them wrapped around me, like nothing could touch me, even the darkness inside me.

“S-s-s-s-s-so tell me, what, what ha-ha-happened.”

I lay my head on his shoulder, and I just tell him everything about Tommy and how I don’t know what to do. Adam never once interrupts me. He just allows me to talk, and he just lets me get all my feelings out. Even my anger seems to disappear with every word I speak. And all because he listens to me. No one has ever really listened to me, with the exception of my therapist. It’s a nice feeling to know that someone is there. It’s nice to know that someone
wants
to be there.

As I come to a stop, I take a deep breath because it feels like I’m about to run out of air.

After waiting a moment he asks, “Anything e-e-else?”

I shake my head and tell him that’s it.

“I’m s-s-s-s-s-orry about your, um, friend. That really i-is a hard thing t-t-t-to do. R-r-r-right now, s-s-s-since h-he’s an a-adult, all you can d-d-do is b-b-b-b-be there for him a-and help, um help him out.”

“I know. I just wish I could help him more than just by being there for him. I’m afraid for him while he lives with his father.”

“I-I unders-s-stand.”

“Would it be bad if I just murdered his father and made it look like an accident?” I ask.

“Probably. Unless y-y-y-you d-d-d-don’t get c-c-caught.” He gives me a little smirk.

I know he can’t really change the situation, but I just wish there was a way he could help me figure out how to get Tommy away from his father. I would love to honestly murder his father, but murder is frowned upon in our society.

“There is just so much pain and hurt in this world. Everywhere I turn all I see is the sorrow and melancholy of tragedy.”

“Nicely s-s-said.”

“Thanks, but seriously. This world is so messed up. It’s times like these where I wonder how anyone can believe there is a higher power out there.”

“You d-d-don’t believe in, in anything?”

“No. Why, do you?”

“I, I don’t know. M-maybe? I’ve s-s-s-spent a lot of my life w-wondering and hoping, but, but the truth is w-w-we’ll never know. You s-s-s-s-see all the pain, b-but I also s-s-s-s-see a lot of beauty in the, um, world, Jess. Y-yes there is, is a-a lot of pain and s-s-s-s-s-sorrow, but the truth is, is, is if there were n-n-none, then you never w-would be able to t-t-truly appreciate the beauty in the world. It might be ea-ea-easy to, to miss, but t-trust me. It’s out there. You j-j-just have t-to look f-f-for it.”

“It’s just hard,” I respond.

“I-I’ll help,” he says with that large goofy grin of his. “But you, you need t-to wait in h-h-here and clo-close your eyes.”

“Okay?” I confusedly respond.

I close my eyes and wait in the small living room. I hear him running around in his bedroom, leaving me to wonder what the hell he is doing. I don’t know whether I should be scared or not.

His footsteps softly tap across his carpet toward me.

“D-don’t open y-your eyes yet.”

He grabs my hand and leads me in the direction toward his bedroom. Is this going where I think it’s going? It might be a bit too fast for that, in my humble opinion. He stops me at the frame of his door, and he tells me to keep my eyes shut longer.

“Okay, open them.”

I open my eyes to a blanket fort. I’m not even joking. Adam built a (badly made) blanket fort using his bed and desk chair as support. I look over to see Adam with the proudest, happiest grin I have ever seen. Seeing that smile makes me smile.

“Really, Adam. Really?”

He nods. “Yep. Wh-what do, do you think?”

“It’s… impressive.”

“Thank y-you. F-f-follow me in-in-inside.”

He bends down and lifts up a sheet flap, and I follow him inside. We sit on top of a fuzzy blue blanket, and his MacBook is set up inside the fort. He opens the computer, and he hits on an app at the bottom of the screen. A virtual fireplace turns on, and the inside of the blanket fort is lit with an orange-red light. If it weren’t the morning, one would think it was night right now. I wish it were night, so I could fall asleep right here in Adam’s arms in this fort.

I look over at him, and I smile. “You are such a dork,” I quip.

He does a little bow. “Don’t j-judge. Blanket forts are c-c-cool. I, I even b-built y-you this nice f-f-fire.” He gives me a little wink, and I can’t help but laugh.

“Again, you are such a dork.”

“Yeah, but tha-that is why you, you l-l-l-like me.”

He has a point there. It is why I like him. A part of it at least. There are a lot of reasons I like him. I mean yeah he’s cute, but that’s not the reason I like him. He’s so sweet, and genuinely sweet, not that fake sweet most people are in the world. When he asks how you are, he obviously means it, and he wants to know how you are. Then there’s that dorky lopsided smile I just can’t get enough of. When I see or even think of that smile, I feel overcome with happiness. There is the way he holds me close to him, and I love how I fit into his body perfectly, even though he stands about a foot taller than me.

“L-let me give y-y-you the gr-grand tour.”

“Show me the place.”

“Well, this is, is the living r-r-room,” he says pointing to the fireplace. “And the rest is, is the bedroom. Ou-outside the f-f-fort is the wilderness, but out there you m-m-must be careful b-because wild ferocious b-b-beasts roam out-out there.”

I laugh at his silly antics. “Oh no. Wild beasts. It’s a good thing we have this fire to keep us warm.”

“Yep. It w-was a lot of hard w-work. Blood and s-s-s-s-sweat went into it.”

“Well, it paid off,” I joke right back.

I lightly place a kiss on his lips, and a blush rises to his cheeks.

“Do you feel better?”

“Another kiss sh-sh-should do it.”

I place another one on his lips, but this one lasts longer. He grabs the back of my head, and I open my mouth as he presses his tongue in. I close my eyes, and I just let everything go for once. I forget about all the pain and hurt, and I just allow myself to only feel my emotions for Adam. The kiss is long and passionate. I roll onto my back, and Adam lies on top of me. He lifts his head up, and he stares right into my eyes. He lightly runs his fingers over my cheek, and I close my eyes at his touch.

“You’re b-b-beautiful….”

I open my eyes in shock. Beautiful? I must’ve heard him wrong. He couldn’t be talking about me.

“Please, don’t say that,” I whisper back.

He looks at me perplexed. “W-why?”

“Because I don’t want you to say that. That’s why.” A little bit of anger slips through my voice. I see the hurt on his face, and I feel guilty immediately.

I push him away and sit up, wrapping my arms around my knees. I can’t deal with that. Why would he call me that? Is this a joke? No one could think that about me. This is a joke. A prank. I know it.

“But, but, Jess, I m-mean it.”

“Shut up. Just shut up. I mean… come on, look at me,” I shout, my emotion getting the better of me. I can feel the anger, resentment, and pain rising in me, throughout every bone of my body. I blink back the tears, which are threatening to escape any second now.

“Jess, wh-what do you, you mean?” Adam looks down at me with such warm eyes.

“Adam…
you
are the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. You’re beautiful, and you’re sweet. And I’m… not. I’m ugly and fucked-up….”

“Do you r-r-really th-think that?”

I can’t find the words, because I can already feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth, all that will come out is a sob. I don’t want to embarrass myself any further. I simply nod and look away. Anywhere but at him. I can’t let Adam see me like this.

Pathetic.

His fingers are firm but warm on my chin as he turns my face back toward his. His eyes look into mine.

“You’re a-a-anything b-b-b-but ugly, Jess.”

Before I can open my mouth to respond, I feel his lips touch mine. Surprise and shock run throughout my body. What is happening? Am I dreaming? I finally close my eyes, and I wrap my arms around his waist. If this
is
a dream, let me enjoy it now before I finally wake up once again.

WEDNESDAY COMES
around, and for once I’m going to have good news for Dr. Wheeler. I think she’ll love to hear that I’m positive about something. The thoughts of my day with Adam still roam my mind. I might not believe that I’m beautiful, but I saw the sincerity in his eyes when he looked at me, and I know he believes it. He honestly believes it. He’s either stupid or as fucked-up as I am. He has to have some kind of flaw, I guess.

We didn’t do much after that. We just cuddled and lay in that fort in silence. It was just what I needed. We hardly spoke. I kept my eyes closed, and he rubbed my hair with his long thin fingers. It just felt exquisite. There really was no other way to describe it, so it deserved the description of my favorite word.

Exquisite; adj.

Beautiful, lovely, elegant, fine; magnificent, superb, excellent, wonderful, ornate, well crafted, perfect; delicate, fragile, dainty, subtle.

It’s weird to have someone be there for me. Or I should say, it is weird to finally allow someone to get close to me. I’ve never really done that before, but I want to try now. No one has made me feel the way Adam does. He makes me feel good. He makes me want to live.

I’m sitting in the waiting room of the therapist’s office. Adam isn’t here, so I sit in the room alone. A new novel sits open on my lap. After the darkly depressing novel I just read, I decided to go for a more lighthearted novel, one I have read before and a personal favorite of mine:
Pride and Prejudice
. Many say Austen is overrated, and I say they can go fuck themselves.
P&P
is one novel that has made a huge impact in my life. When I need an escape from the hellish world I live in, I find myself lost in the beautiful words of Austen. I imagine her as some witch, but instead of potions she puts words into her cauldron.

“Jess, you can come in now.”

I look up to see Dr. Wheeler standing in the doorway. I put my book in my bag and follow her into her small square office with the light beige walls and orange lighting. I like her office because it isn’t bright white and blinding like the hospital was. I sit down in the light beige leather sofa as she sits in her matching chair. Her long, pin-straight black hair is down tonight. It looks soft, almost like black silk as it flows down her back and over her shoulders. She should wear her hair down more often. She looks quite beautiful like that.

“How are you, Jess?”

“I’m well,” I answer.

“Well. That’s great to hear. Why are you well?”

“It’s just been a mostly good week.”

“Tell me about your week, Jess. What happened, and what were your thoughts and feelings?” she asks in her soothing tone.

“I started seeing someone.”

A smile forms upon her lips. “Oh, that is wonderful. What’s he like?”

“Well, you know him,” I say with a small laugh.

“I do?”

“It’s Adam Foster.”

“Oh, yes I do. How did that come about?”

“It’s weird. We ran into each other three times in one day, and it just kind of bloomed from there.”

“Do you like him?”

“I do. I think I like him a lot actually.”

She smiles and says, “That’s good. I’m glad to hear that, Jess. So has this effected your moods this week?”

“Yeah. I’ve been smiling and laughing more than usual. So Adam has been helping me feel good.”

“Any negative thoughts?”

“Not as many as usual.”

“But they are still there.”

“Yes, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of them.”

The session continues to go like this, almost like a Ping-Pong match between the two of us. She asks a question, and I immediately answer, then she asks another question, and I answer once more. She honestly seems happy to hear about my developing relationship with Adam.

As I talk about our most recent date and how he told me I was beautiful, I also tell her about my mini freak-out.

“Why do you think you freaked out when he called you beautiful?”

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Think. Why would that upset you? Should that not make you happy?”

“I guess. Just no one has ever said that to me before, and I just don’t believe it, so I guess that’s why I freaked out. Sometimes I think this is just all too good to be true. Like maybe it’s a dream, and I’m just waiting to wake up, or what if his feelings are false. This could end up hurting me worse in the end.”

“It could, but isn’t it worth the risk if it means you can be happy?”

“I guess.”

“Anything else that happened this week?”

Tommy comes to my mind, but I feel weird telling her about his problems. I feel as if I’d betray his trust, so I say no.

“I’m really glad you’re doing better, Jess. You even look like you’re doing better this week.”

“What do you mean?” I inquire.