The Red Thread (24 page)

“I had no clue. I didn’t mean to bring it up. I’m so sorry. I feel like a complete asshole. I’m sorry, Adam. I really—”

Before I can finish my long apology, which he deserves, his lips are crashing onto mine, and we’re kissing. I just close my eyes, and I focus on the feeling of his warm lips and his hands on my back, where his fingers play with the hem of my shirt, and I shudder at the feeling of his touches there. His fingers trace lines up and down my spine as if he is writing out words or playing connect the dots with the freckles on my back. Each finger feels like a magnificent artist’s brush, and I’m his canvas.

A moan slips from my lips as the kiss deepens, and his tongue sneaks into my mouth. Damn, his lips just feel too good. Between his hands and his lips, I might just lose it too soon.

“I-I r-r-really like you, J-Jess,” he whispers as he finally breaks the kiss.

“I like you too.”

He holds me close, his hands still under my shirt, and we fall back onto his bed, which just forces us to cuddle up close. I look over onto the small nightstand by his bed to see a tiny pile of books. Right at the top is
Peter Pan
.

“This was my favorite story as a kid. My mom used to read it to me all the time. It’s so sad.”

“S-s-s-sad?
Peter Pan
?”

“Well yeah,” I say. “It’s about a boy who basically runs from his problems and won’t face them.”

“What d-d-do you m-mean? It’s s-s-s-such a fun s-s-s-s-story of adventure and s-s-s-s-strength.”

“
Peter Pan
is the ultimate tale of running away from your problems. I mean, just look at it. This young boy doesn’t want to grow up, so he runs away to Neverland, a world where he never has to deal with everyday problems such as age or taxes. He gets to be young forever, and he gets to have fun and never get wrinkly or old. He never has to do adult things like pay his bills or get a job… or get married.”

“What’s wrong w-w-with marriage and, and l-love? That can be f-fun… b-b-beautiful, even.” Adam responds back. He looks at me with those big round eyes of his, and I get lost in them. His childlike innocence always amazes me.

“Love is the most painful part of being an adult.”

Love is what can hurt someone. Falling in love or having my heart broken can ruin me and force me back into the darkness, and then I might never ever be able to escape.

Adam looks at me sadly and kisses my forehead. “The w-world is a, a place of pain, trust m-me I know. I-I lost a lot, but l-l-l-love is worth it. Even if, um, it does hurt in the end, everything b-b-b-b-before it is, is w-worth it.”

It’s at this moment I realize love is like a novel. It’s all these words and pictures and little marks that are thrown together. It doesn’t make sense until you read the whole thing and then it all comes together. I know that, because that is what I’m feeling right now.

I am in love with Adam Foster.

AFTER ADAM
took me home, he kissed me good night at the door, and I was met by my mom and sister on the other side. They both asked me a million questions about how the night went, and I told them everything. Well, almost everything. They don’t need to hear about the mind-blowing kiss we shared or the fact that I’m in love with Adam.

I’m in love with Adam. I spend all this time trying not to get attached, and here I am attached to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. I guess it doesn’t matter if you try to run from your feelings, because they always catch up to you.

And now I’m lying in bed, and I can’t stop thinking about everything that transpired last night, from learning about his parents to his wonderful uncles and especially down to that kiss, which might have literally taken my breath away.

But am I really in love with Adam? Or do I only think I am? I mean, I have never actually been in love before, so I could just think I’m in love. That happens to people all the time. It once happened to Tommy when we were in high school. He was hooking up with this girl, a hot blonde, and he thought he loved her. She ended it with him, and he said he was heartbroken but then a week later he was into another girl. Is that what this is?

I finally get out of my bed and dress in a tight green T-shirt and my favorite blue hoodie. I put my hood over my head, and I tell my mom I’m going to work. The sun is already shining outside, and it feels good. I’m able to walk outside with my hoodie open and with a smile on my face.

The feeling of
possibly
being in love is new to me. My heart is beating a million miles per minute the moment I think of Adam, and it’s both glorious and utterly frightening.

The bookshop has a small group of people, and Laurie is working behind the cash register with her curly, dark hair tied back in a ponytail.

“Hey, Jess,” she says with a little shy wave.

“Hello, Laurie. How are you?”

“I’m well. You seem like you’re happy.”

“Oh that I am. I’m exquisite.”

I really am too. I’m not
fine
. I’m honestly doing well right now. Right now, my favorite word needs to be used, because I am exquisite.

The bell jingles, and I see Alex come in. The last time I saw him was the failed mission to see Tommy. I wave to him, and he walks over, a frown plastered to his face.

Oh no.

“What’s wrong, Alex?”

“Still no word from Tommy?”

I shake my head. “You?”

“He hasn’t been home in two weeks.”

“Two weeks? What? How did you find out?”

“I tried calling his house, and his father picked up, drunk as usual, and I quote ‘that no-good son of mine hasn’t been around in a week and a half.’ I’m getting really worried. I went around to his usual hangouts, but I haven’t seen him. No one seems to know where he is, or at least no one will tell me where he is. Jess, I’m really freaking out here.”

I put my hand onto the desk with the cash register, because if I don’t I might fall to the ground. This can’t be. This isn’t the first time Tommy has run from home. When we were sixteen, he was gone for over a week. It turns out he took some of his father’s money and was riding from train to train and sleeping in them and then exploring by day. He told me about all the towns he went to and how no one knew who he was. In each town, he would tell strangers something new. Each day he was reborn and a new person was alive for twelve hours, until he died and another man took his place. I remember being envious of his adventures.

And now I’m frightened.

Where has Tommy run off to this time? He is always searching for action; I just hope he didn’t find it from the wrong place or people. Images of him stabbed to death outside a seedy bar spring to my mind, and now I hope these images don’t come true.

“Jess, I’m sorry to spring this on you all of a sudden. I just felt you should know too.”

“You just don’t want to be the only one worried to death.”

“That too.”

We stand there in silence. That’s the first time I realize Laurie has quietly slipped away. Another great thing about Laurie is that she never pries into other people’s business. If something doesn’t involve her, she always slips away without a sound. She should really consider being a spy or something. She is so small and unassuming; no one would expect her to be one.

“Well, I have to go. I’m helping my parents out today with chores, and I need to buy a new broom. I haven’t seen you in forever. I miss you, Jess. I’ll text you soon. Promise.”

And just like that, he is out the door. I know he’s been avoiding me as much as he can. Alex won’t tell me the truth. I might be crazy, but I’m not an idiot. I notice things. People never seem to realize that with me. My mom has been trying to make my stay at home so much easier and happier, but she definitely sugarcoats everything. If something is bothering her or something bad is going on, she’ll make sure to keep me out of the loop, even if it is something as trivial as not having enough money for something. Hiding things won’t protect me; it just hurts me more. I already know how unfair the world can be. I’ve lived through it all.

The world is a fucked-up place.

Yeah, I tried to kill myself, but that’s only one person. There are genocides going on in other countries that no one talks about, and murderers get away each and every day. In school systems children are being bullied so relentlessly they turn into me, and people are raped out there all the time. Innocent people are hurt, and the bad get away. So yeah, I know how the world works.

It’s a shame they don’t tell us from an early age how much the world and other people can ruin you. Or how much you can destroy yourself. I know that last lesson way too well.

“Hey, are you okay?” Laurie asks in her birdlike voice.

“Yeah, sorry. I got lost in my thoughts.”

“Okay. You can talk to me, if there is anything you need.”

“Thank you, Laurie.”

She gives me a small smile and says she’ll do the cash register. It turns out Peter is in his usual place, the office. Laurie tells me how she saw him with a full bottle of Jack Daniels this morning, and he hasn’t come out of his office since then.

The workday goes by pretty smoothly. We get a steady stream of customers, and I am never bored. Laurie and I manage to converse and laugh while she is ringing people up. I spend most of the day texting with Adam, who is playing around with his violin. That is not a euphemism. I still need to see him play. Again, not a euphemism, although I don’t think I’d mind that.

Jess, get your mind out of the gutter.

Images of Adam shirtless run through my head. I can feel the sweat trickle down my neck as I think of his strong, muscular body and those biceps. I don’t get how it is possible for someone to look that good and be that sweet. If God is out there, then he really broke the mold crafting such a beautiful human being. I used to spend my days thinking about my favorite words or how to get further in
The Legend of Zelda
—never did beat the game… any of them, actually. I’m quite awful at video games—and now all I have on my mind is Adam, beautiful Adam.

Sweet
and
beautiful Adam, the man who is perfect for me. Even the thought of him brings a dopey grin to my face. The idea of Adam could get me through the worst pain manageable. He could help me survive being lost in the woods for weeks with little food and water and fighting against savage cannibals, all because he gives me strength.

Day turns to night, and the customers become sparser. I end up sitting in the corner and reading toward the end of my shift. When it comes time to close up the shop, Laurie counts the money, and I start cleaning up the shop. Sometimes I wonder why I bother cleaning up. It’s only going to get trashed again the next day. People have no respect for those in retail or for the merchandise. The worst is when I’m organizing the shelves of books and a customer is watching me do that, and the moment I walk away, I see them go through the books and place them in the wrong order. It’s sickening how some people treat literature.

Laurie finishes counting the money, and I finish cleaning up the store. We’re getting ready to lock up and leave for the night when the sound of mumbling catches our ears. We sneak toward the office to find the pathetic sight of Peter on the ground crying and talking to no one. A fallen bottle of Jack Daniels sits by his side as he lies in the pool of alcohol, and the stench of urine stains the air. A big wet spot is drawn down the leg of his jeans. I have to hold back the bile in my throat as I gag at the wretched smell.

“Oh my God, we need to take him home.” Laurie’s voice is soft, and she shows no hint of disgust on her face. Then there is me covering my face with the collar of my shirt, because the smell is just too much, and the sight is just too awful. I guess that is what makes her a good person and me a bad one.

There goes Laurie, showing her compassion. One thing I love about her is that her compassion isn’t forced or fake. It’s completely true. Laurie looks on and sees someone in need of help, while I look at this creature and see nothing more than a pathetic old man in need of a shower and a good shave. A haircut would be good for him too. His stringy hair is getting long and looks full of grease.

“I’ll take him home,” I respond. I don’t want her to have to deal with taking a drunken man home. She is too good for that.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Laurie. You go home and get some sleep. I’ll deal with the issue at hand.”

She hugs me good-bye, and I try to lift the fucker up, but he is just a pile of sweaty fat on the floor. Gross.

“Geez, Peter. Where are your keys? I’m driving you home.”

I hate driving, but no way am I going to walk him home. I bite back my disgust and go through his pockets until I pull out the silver ring holding his keys. Even his keys smell of piss and liquor. I try to lift him up.

“Come on, Peter.”

And I have him follow me into the car. Well, it’s more like I force him to the car. I’m holding him up with all the strength I have got. I’m a skinny guy with
very
little muscle, but I think I just got the best work out of my life. Trying to give me directions to his house is no less of a chore. We pull up to a small one-story house with chipped yellow paint, and I fumble with his keys to find the one for the front door. I hear Peter begin to sob in the car.

What is wrong with him now?

“Peter, what’s going on?” I ask him.

He doesn’t answer. I pull him out of the car, and I get him into the house. The house is a complete mess, but pictures cover the walls. The pictures are of a young girl. I wonder who she is. Is this girl a family member of his? She is a cute girl, very young, with long, straight pale blonde hair and a pair of big, light blue eyes. Her smile seems to take over her face, and in one picture she wears a pink dress with a picture of a fairy on the front. She looks so innocent and happy.

Peter takes one look at the pictures and he falls to his knees. “My Sharon. Oh God, why?” He brings his hands to his face and sobs. I am shocked at the sight. Not of Peter drunk and crying, but him crying over the young girl. What is her connection to him, and why does he care so much? That is when it clicks with me. Sharon… is his daughter. She looks no older than six years old in the photos, and I have no idea what happened to her, but I know she isn’t with him anymore.