The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller (24 page)

I watch from above as eight-year-old Aubrey Miller stands there, cataloguing the gory details of the memory, searing each one of them into my mind to ensure they will never be forgotten again. Once she’s done, she looks up at me, and with lifeless eyes and sorrow in her expression, she silently reminds me of why she should never exist. Of why I buried her in the first place and why she should never again be resurrected. I nod my understanding, casting one more glance to Daddy and then to the card lying in his lap, before slowly drifting back into the present.

My eyes open slowly, painfully, as the fluorescent lighting overhead burns into my irises. I blink them rapidly, trying to focus on the blurry image in front of me until it becomes clear. And so does the room around it as I’m slowly clued into the fact that I’ve landed myself in the hospital.

“There you are,” Kaeleb breathes, running his fingers down my cheek and then along the line of my jaw.

With the knowledge that I will be forced to say my goodbyes to him soon, the familiar sentiment pierces deeply into my heart, the pain excruciating. I grab onto his hand and press his palm against my face, leaning into its warmth as tears rise in my eyes. The knot in my throat aches right along with my heart as my eyes find his, the hazel orbs filling with unshed tears.

I know I have to, but I’m not ready to let go of him just yet.

I need more time.

Fear overwhelms me.

Fear from the memory of my father’s death.

Fear from the gory images as they replay in my mind.

Fear in knowing that I will be forced to watch it happen over and over, that they will never be contained again.

Fear in the knowledge that I won’t have Kaeleb by my side to take them away. I will soon be lost, not in him, but inside the recesses of the hell that is my mind.

These thoughts send me into sobs and as I hiccup them back, his arms curl around my shoulders and bring me to his chest. The scent that surrounds me only brings more tears as I clutch his T-shirt in my hands and pull him closer while he murmurs soothing sounds into my ear. His hands rub lightly along my back and my nose finds the crook of his neck, remaining there until the sound of a door opening disrupts the moment.

“Oh my God, Aubrey! You’re up!” I pull back from him, surprised at the sound of Linda’s voice as she enters into the room and shuts the door quietly behind her.

Her heels click on the floor as she makes her way to the side of the bed, holding two coffee cups in her hand. She hands one to Kaeleb, who releases me to take it from her, before she takes a seat right next to him.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her, my voice elevated from shock.

Kaeleb clears his throat. “I called her from your phone earlier. We, uh, brought you here after you passed out.”

Oh my God.

Quinn.

The bathroom.

Oh my God.

My eyes dart away from Linda to Kaeleb and he gives me a soft smile. “She’s fine. She’s going to be fine. They called her parents and they’re with her, right down the hall.” He reaches forward and covers my hand with his. “They said you saved her life.”

No, I didn’t.

I’m without a doubt, 100% sure that she was lying on that bathroom floor
because
of her association with me. But I don’t say that. I just redirect my stare to Linda. Her eyes are still puffy and bloodshot from our episode earlier. Her mouth dips into a frown as she says, “I’m so sorry, Aubrey. I know our
discussion wasn’t easy for you, and then for you to walk in and find her in that condition…it’s no wonder you passed out, honey. It was a lot for you to take in.”

I make no response. I just shrug my shoulders as I’m reminded by her presence that Linda will be dying soon.

Kaeleb squeezes my hand and I transfer my attention to him. “The doctor wanted to see you when you woke up. Just to make sure you didn’t have a headache or anything that they should be concerned about. But I told him I didn’t think you hit your head so you should be able to be released soon.”

I inhale deeply. “Okay.”

Kaeleb narrows his eyes and angles his head, but before he can say anything, the doctor arrives. After a thorough examination, he gives me a clean bill of health and my release papers.

Once I’m up and on my feet, I shuffle to the bathroom to wash my face. Just as I close the door, I hear Linda and Kaeleb whispering, and they continue to do so until I reemerge. They cautiously watch me as I grab my purse. “I’m ready to go. Kaeleb, can you take me home, please?”

Kaeleb looks at Linda and then back at me. “Bree, I don’t think we need to go back there tonight. Why don’t you just let me take you to my apartment?”

I shake my head. “No, we have to go there. What about Walter?” I ask, knowing Walter isn’t the reason I need to go home.

Kaeleb eyes me for a second before answering. “I can run up and get him.”

“I need clothes.”

“I can get some for you while I’m getting Walter.” His eyes taper at the corners.

“I want to sleep in my bed,” I remark quickly, looking for any reason I can conjure.

“Bree—”

“I need to go to MY apartment!” I shout back at him and Linda’s body jars at my raised voice.

I avoid her eyes but lower my tone as I plead, “
Please
, Kaeleb.”

He glances at Linda who returns his stare before letting out a ragged breath, rubbing the back of his neck and looking back at me. His expression is defeated as he responds, “All right, Bree. Whatever you need.”

“Thank you,” I whisper before turning to Linda. “We’ll talk tomorrow?”

Her eyes light up and she releases a lengthy sigh of relief before running up to me and embracing me. “I’d love that, honey.”

I release her and give her a small smile as I step away. The relieved look on her face breaks my heart. I memorize her face, the light in her green eyes and her beautiful smile, taking in every one of her features before I turn and open the door. There will be no talking tomorrow.

Goodbye, Linda.

I swallow my tears and make my exit from the room with Kaeleb and Linda not far behind when I hear a familiar cry coming from a room down the way. Continuing my strides, I slow as I approach it, careful to remain unseen while I watch the interaction.

Quinn is lying in her bed, her face completely hidden by the heads of her mother and father as they both embrace her, their own sobs echoing through the hallway. Her bandaged wrists are wrapped tightly around their necks as they remain huddled together in their grief, their bodies shuddering in unison with each cry released.

I find comfort in the fact that they are mending their wounds, and hope to God that her parents will take care of her in my absence.

Goodbye, Quinn.

I place my hand on the doorframe to say my silent, heartfelt farewell, then continue past her room. Heading toward the hospital exit, I release a long breath, comforted by the fact that there are only two more goodbyes to go.

I step out of the shower and grab my towel, quickly squeezing it through my hair and running it over my body. Once I’m dressed in my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt, I pause to eye the wooden doors underneath my sink and swallow hard. The contents behind them will be in use soon, something that will cause unbearable pain, but is necessary to protect the ones I love.

And I do love Kaeleb. I know this with absolute certainty. But I also know that my love doesn’t hold any power over the death that surrounds me. It envelops me in its darkness, an ever present shadow that hovers all around me, killing anyone who dares to come near it with its venomous mist.

I have to get him as far away from me as possible. I was selfish to think that I could ever live a normal life. To enjoy the simple things like the laughter and love of my family and friends, one of which is lying in the hospital while the other one is being eaten alive by the cancer festering inside of her.

As I hear Kaeleb in my bedroom, my heart shatters with the knowledge of the risk I pose to him. My poison has already spread to Linda and Quinn. I can’t let anything happen to him. I won’t.

Opening the bathroom door, I step out and am met with a sad half-smile as Kaeleb sits on the end of my bed, watching me warily as I stop and stare at his beautiful face. His hazel eyes are filled with apprehension and grief as he lifts his hand slowly and reaches for me.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asks as he takes the hand I offer him and pulls me onto his lap.

“No.”

I allow him to cradle me against his body and inhale him deeply. The soothing scent washes over me and tears line the bottoms of my eyes. His hand rises and strokes my hair, and I listen to his intake of air through his chest while watching Walter frolic in his sleep as he lies in the corner.

“Linda told me about your conversation with her while we were at the hospital. I know you’re hurting, Bree, and I can’t even begin to imagine where that beautiful head of yours is right now with everything that happened tonight.” He presses me away and peers into my eyes. “Please, let me be here for you.”

I stare through my tears into in his pleading eyes, and my heart skips within my chest, wanting so badly to just get lost in him one more time before I lose him forever.

My final goodbye.

Our heated breaths mingle as we hold each other’s gazes, the air between us caked with the urgency of the moment. I just want to forget the pain. The absolute agony that is tearing across my chest as I memorize his expression and burn it into my brain.

Slowly, my face drifts toward him and I tentatively brush my lips against his while running my hands up his chest. His breaths increase and I feel his heart pounding below my fingers as he curls his hand around the nape of my neck and brings me closer, pressing his mouth firmly against mine. Parting my lips, I fight back the urge to sob out loud as his taste floods my mouth, a taste that I never want to forget.

His warm tongue sweeps along mine, sending goose bumps along my arms as my hands make my way to his head, fisting the strands tightly between my fingers.

“I need you, Kaeleb,” I mumble against his mouth. “Please, take me away. Make the pain stop. Please…
please
…I need you.”

I beg him quietly until he wraps his arm around my waist and flips me onto the bed, our mouths working against each other as his weight lands on my chest, my legs circling his waist. I pull him as closely as I can, our movements becoming frenzied and frantic until I release his hair from my grip and my nails dig a path downward through his shirt. His groan fills my mouth before he breaks the kiss, working his way to the hollow of my neck.

With him hovering over me, feeling the heat from his body soothing my pain, the way his lips brush my skin with such gentleness and reverence, his scent overwhelming me as I breathe it in deeply just to find some sort of solace…I completely shatter. My chin trembles and tears escape the sides of my eyes, streaming into my hair as I release my hold on him and cover my face with my hands. My shoulders shake as a sob works its way through my throat, the anguish so potent it’s impossible to contain.

Kaeleb’s body stills but his lips press firmly against the skin of my neck, trailing upward to my chin and then to my cheek, kissing their way through my tears until they land on my temple. He remains there, the heat from his nostrils warming my hair as he mutters, “Let it out, Bree.”

He brings his hand to my face and pulls me against his cheek, holding me tightly as I cry. Tears fall endlessly down my face as I mourn for Adley, for my parents, for Quinn, for Linda, and for Kaeleb. Sobs wrack my body as I silently say my apologies to each of them, the guilt and sorrow filling my throat so that I can no longer speak. I allow Kaeleb to hold me tightly, in this moment, our last moment together as I open myself to him completely. There are no walls. There is only complete vulnerability as I cry for what I did to those I love. I allow him to see me bare, stripped, and unsheathed as I willingly relinquish my heart, fully giving it to him before I say goodbye.

I mourn.

I grieve.

I offer my apologies.

Kaeleb says nothing. He doesn’t need to.

With his arms wrapped securely around my body, his mere presence gives me the strength I need to let go.

And after hours of emotional release, I end up with my head lying against Kaeleb’s chest. His hold on me is still firm as I remain completely silent, fooling him into thinking I’ve fallen asleep. I listen to the steady beats of his heart until they finally begin to slow and as his breaths deepen, I twist my neck to confirm that he’s sleeping. Placing a tender kiss on his chest, I take a moment to breathe him in one last time before I carefully unfold his arms from around me and slide out of bed.

My defenses begin rebuilding as I turn away, the familiar bitter emptiness expanding and mounting within my chest, filling the voided area where my heart no longer remains. All love and light are extinguished. Grief, anger, and fear solidify into the cold blackness forming within me, its inky tendrils growing and spreading, smothering everything alive within me until Aubrey Miller no longer exists.

Only death dwells inside of me and I take comfort in it as it blankets my pain.