The Return of Brody McBride (32 page)

“While your timing in these things is incredibly accurate, we’ll see what happens.”

“We’ll see what happens.” His voice might have gone up an octave there at the end. He was too completely taken off guard by her casual words. She knew he hadn’t used anything. When? Before he slammed into her? After?

“Spilled milk.” She rose up to lean on her elbows, her arms lying down her sides in the grass.

“What?”

“Spilled milk. Spilled juice. Either way, there’s no reason to get upset.”

“This isn’t something we can wipe up with a paper towel and toss in the trash like it never happened.” He stood, pulled up his jeans to his hips and zipped before he tripped himself, and paced away from her and then back. “How can you be so calm about this? You told me you wanted to wait. Take things slow. Since the first time we made love when I came back, you counted on me to supply the condoms and use them.”

She sat up and wrapped her arms around her up-drawn knees. “Who said it was your sole responsibility? I could have said, hey, Brody, don’t forget the condom.”

“I didn’t exactly give you a chance to say anything.”

“That’s it.” Rain bent her head and combed her fingers through both sides of her hair to the back of her head and gripped her fingers into a fist. It had to hurt to pull her hair like that, which told him he’d pissed her off good this time. She finally understood what this romp in the grass could mean. He’d pushed her too far this time.

She rolled up to her feet, naked and gloriously furious. Nothing compared to Rain in a rage.

“You can’t control the way the images in your head take over your mind, but you can sure as hell control the crap that comes out of your mouth.”

She jabbed him in the gut with her fist to get his attention. He sucked in a breath, the muscles in his belly going taut just as her fist connected.

“Since you got here, all you’ve done is tell me how you want things to be between us. You tell me you love me, make love to me like I’m everything you ever wanted or needed.”

“You are,” he ground out, just as harshly as her words came at him. She had to believe he loved her, needed her.

“Yet today, after you make love to me like you can’t live another second without being close to me, a part of me, you say you’re sorry over and over. For what? Loving me. Needing me. Wanting me beyond all thought. Why couldn’t you just lay in the grass, savor the moment with me, tell me how much you love me? Why couldn’t you say, ‘I got so caught up in my need for you, I forgot the condom. We didn’t plan this, but if you’re pregnant, I’ll be the happiest man in the world.’

“Can’t you find it in you to see the good? We shared something wonderful. We might be gifted something amazing. Couldn’t you find the words to match what your body shows me every time we come together?

“Instead, you want to apologize for something I’m not even mad about. You want me to be angry and punish you. For what? A past that’s over and done and can’t be changed. I’ve told you numerous times, I forgive you, Brody. I wish you could forgive yourself.”

They stood for a moment staring at each other. He didn’t know what to say. Everything she said was true. He hadn’t forgiven himself. He always seemed to be waiting for her to turn on him, tell him to get the hell out of her life, and he could never see his kids again. If he kept this up, that’s exactly what she might do.

He reached out and cupped the back of her head, drawing her to him slowly, his mouth descending to cover hers in a soft, slow kiss. One turned into two, turned into many as she melted against him. One hand buried in her hair, the other splayed over her lower back, pulling her close.

He kissed her lips one last time, her cheek, her forehead, her nose. He cupped her face and turned it up to his. “I am the luckiest man alive, because you love me. I love you so much, and if we made a baby, I swear to you, I’ll be by your side through everything. Nothing in this world would make me happier than for us to have another baby.”

“Better,” she said. The smile on her lips didn’t quite meet her eyes. He’d ruined the moment and making up for it at her demand wasn’t quite what she had in mind.

“I can’t seem to talk to you the way I used to.”

“Yes, you used to be such a charmer. Sweet-talking me was one of your favorite pastimes.”

“I can’t get past what I did to you. I want to make things right so bad, but all I do is make a mess of it.”

“Not true. You love me and want to have everything perfect. Right now. You seem to think that if I marry you and we live together that will somehow erase all the years between. It’s not like that, Brody. As far as I’m concerned, we’re starting from here. I love you. I want to be with you. I will marry you. Settle into that. Take it in and live with it for a while. Enjoy the newness of being together again, discovering the changes in both of us, and the luck and wonder that the love between us is deeper, stronger. That’s what I’m doing.”

“You’re amazing. I guess I’ve been trying so hard to hold on to you, I’m crushing you.”

“A little bit. Being out here with you was like being teenagers again with no worries. Sneaking off into the woods, making love in the grass under the trees. For a little while there, you weren’t thinking about anything but me and you. Try to do that more.”

“I will. Your way of looking at things is a hell of a lot better than mine these days.”

Rain stepped away and gathered her scattered clothes. He couldn’t help himself: he stared at her ass as she bent over to pick up her jeans. His eyes fell on her breasts, slid lower to her flat belly. Yeah, he’d be the happiest man in the world if he’d gotten her pregnant.

His eyes remained glued on her as she shimmied her panties up her thighs to hug her hips. She pulled her jeans up her legs and fastened them. Bra in place, cupping her breasts, rounding them over the lace edge, she walked to him and stopped when they were mere inches apart. Her hand went to his bare chest over his heart.

“What is it?” she asked, understanding he still had more on his mind.

“I don’t want to screw up what we have because of what’s wrong with me. I want to be a good father. I don’t want the girls to be afraid of me.”

“They aren’t.”

“Sometimes they are.” He had counseling while he was in the hospital, but he’d been so focused on his physical injuries, his mind was the least of his worries. Now, it was interfering with his life and his family.

“They understand.”

“That doesn’t change the fact I left them at the cabin because I couldn’t cope, was afraid I’d do or say something that would harm them.”

“You’d never hurt them, Brody.”

“I hurt you.” He touched her healed arm, the bruise he’d left on her neck today, traced his finger over the stubble rash he’d left across her breasts, and she flinched. “I love you so much. The thought of hurting you makes me sick.”

He put his hand over hers on his chest. “I did some research and found a doctor who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder. He’s ex-military. His office is three hours away, but he’s willing to do sessions via webcam. I’ll drive to his office twice a month. He comes highly recommended. His credentials are impeccable.”

“Brody, that’s great. You need someone to talk to about what happened to you overseas. I’ve tried to help you in my own way, but it isn’t enough. I see you suffering and it kills me. I hoped that when you settled in with us at the house you’d relax, feel safe and protected with us surrounding you. But you don’t, Brody. You’re getting worse.”

“I hope this guy can help me, but if he can’t, I’ll find someone else.”

“Whatever you need, Brody, whatever it takes. I support you. I’m here for you.”

“I feel like I’m enduring life, instead of really living it with you and the girls. I want to experience everything with you without all this anxiety and stress underlying everything I do.”

“I just want you to be well and whole.”

“I know you do, sweetheart. I want that, too, so I can be the best man I can be for you and the girls. To that end, I’ve also set up a schedule with a physical therapist at the hospital. I’ve been doing all my exercises, but I need help with some of the movements. As I get better, he can help me build the strength back in my leg.”

The pain and lack of strength frustrated him. He’d do a lot better with a therapist. He’d be able to do more with the girls if he could walk and move better. His mind would take longer than his leg.

He had plans to help make Rain’s life easier, more comfortable, but he hadn’t followed through. He had a surprise planned for the girls and Rain, something to make up for the years he was gone, but he hadn’t done it yet. Why not? Because he couldn’t think straight and get from point A to point B without taking several detours. Not anymore. He would follow through with the doctor and therapist, and this week he’d complete his plans for his family.

“This is good, Brody. I’m so glad you’re doing what you need to do for yourself. We should get back. Do you know what happened to my shirt?”

He smiled and searched the area. Her shirt landed several feet away behind a clump of purple wildflowers. He picked it up and plucked a flower from the plant. After she pulled her shirt on, he tucked the flower in her hair at her ear. He kissed her softly. “You’re so beautiful. I love you.” He held her in his arms and hugged her.

“I love you, too.”

With a deep breath and her in his arms, he settled into the moment like she’d asked him to do. The wind rustled the leaves overhead, birds chirped, and the peace and quiet of this place worked its way inside of him.

He took her hand and they walked back to the house. “I like it here. We’ll have to come back and make love under the sun again.”

“Okay,” she replied. That was his Rain. Easygoing, ever ready to be with him again. “Brody?”

“Yeah?”

“I really enjoyed today,” she admitted shyly. It went a long way to easing his conscience about the marks he’d left on her.

“Me too. I needed you, and I knew you’d come.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “This thing with Roxy is really getting to me. I want it to be over, so we can live our lives without her hanging over our heads.”

“I know how you feel. It’s the last piece of the past to settle, so we can move on. Clean slate and all.”

“Exactly. I wish she’d call, so I can finish it.”

He should have known better than to wish Roxy back into his life.

Chapter Twenty-Six

M
ONDAYS SUCK
. A
ND
this Monday particularly sucked. Brody spent half the morning on the phone with his office in Atlanta. His partner insisted they needed him in China in three days. He told them in no uncertain terms, hell no. He had too much going on. More than he could handle, and leaving right now wasn’t an option. He made it clear he wouldn’t take any trips for the next three months. He needed this time with Rain and the kids. So he spent hours working long distance without having a proper office and supplies, like a fax machine and a secretary to keep track of everything he was supposed to do. Someone who could type faster than his henpecking fingers.

He kept the laptop at the house with him, but he needed his desktop computer at the cabin to retrieve files and put them on the laptop, which prompted his early afternoon jaunt to the cabin where he’d been working for two hours, the sound of progress on the house keeping him from concentrating on his work. He made several mistakes and had to go back and fix them, which made something simple turn into something maddening.

His focus lately wasn’t great, but with all the noise, he couldn’t seem to keep a single thought in his head for longer than a few minutes. He should have emailed himself the files and gone back to Rain’s place to do his work. He pressed the heel of his hand to his eye socket and rubbed. The headache that started this morning pounded away.

Rain left this morning looking tired. His fault. He’d kept her up again last night. He woke her up at some point every night. She needed a break, but every time she sat down for more than five minutes he or one of the girls needed her for something. They’d tried to have a quiet evening last night, but the girls were restless and kept giggling and talking in bed instead of sleeping. Rain must have gotten up four or five times to quiet them down. She missed half the movie they had been trying to watch.

Eli called late that night. Sick, he’d asked Rain to go to the drugstore for some cold medicine. She came back over an hour later, Eli fully medicated, his belly full of canned soup she’d made for him while she was there.

She climbed the stairs with Brody when she returned to the house. In her sluggish daze, it took her nearly as long as it took him on his bad leg. Two hours after getting into bed together, his arms around her while they slept, he woke her up during one of his nightmares. He’d tried to tell her he was sorry, but she didn’t want to hear it. She clamped her hand over his mouth, laid her head on his chest, and lay there with him in the night. She didn’t go back to sleep until his heart stopped slamming into his ribs and he finally drifted off. She never did.

The girls began the morning fighting over who got the last bowl of fruit O’s cereal, only to discover they were out of milk. Dawn settled on cinnamon toast, but Rain used the last of the bread to make the girls’ lunches. Tired, frustrated, and on her last nerve, she shoved granola bars into both girls’ hands and told them to get in the car. Five minutes after leaving for school, she came back through the door, slammed it, and found Autumn’s forgotten backpack. While checking to be sure Autumn’s homework was inside, she found a note from the teacher. Autumn had a bad week at school, prompting the teacher to ask for a parent-teacher conference. Rain and he both knew why. Autumn couldn’t concentrate, became quiet and withdrawn, not participating in the lessons. Roxy coming home terrified her. She worried something bad was going to happen.

Rain left again, saying, “Your first parent-teacher conference. Welcome to fatherhood.”

Great. How could he explain his monumental screw-up was coming back to haunt him? Easy, everyone in town knew Roxy’s reputation. The teacher would understand. He should probably tell her to make sure Autumn didn’t leave school with anyone but him, Rain, Owen, or Eli.