The Revolution (20 page)

“I’ll go to the police and show them what you did to me. No one likes an out-of-control steroid-using athlete. You’ll be ruined.”

“You know what people don’t like?”

He pauses, toying with me. The words held hostage until I play his sick game. “What?”

“A druggy rocker who beat up a groupie after a sex-filled rager.”

“What are you talking about?” My words barely make it out, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach.

“Your boy on the side. What do you think is more believable? An all-American hometown hero or a replacement guitarist who can’t handle his drugs and liquor? The more likely conclusion isn’t me, sweetheart.”

Kaz.

I can’t be with Kaz. Not with Mark like this. I can’t. The tears finally fall over the lids and down my cheeks. “I won’t,” I whisper. “I won’t hurt him. I won’t let you either.”

“You sound so convincing right now, babe. I’m almost tempted to turn around and make sure you understand what choice you’re making.” My head jolts back as I listen to his threat, his tone menacing. “Maybe it was a blackout. Or maybe it wasn’t.”

He’s going to kill me. I can feel it in my bones. Resolve is starting to fill my veins. He’s never going to let me walk away, not without a fight for my life.

“Why are you so quiet, babe? Reconsidering?” His tone is back to normal as if he’s just asked if I want kung pao chicken or beef and broccoli for dinner.
He’s not delusional. He’s dangerous. But why me?
He could and does get any bimbo he wants.

“Why do you want a girlfriend? You were cheating on me. Be single. Play the dating field. It’s what you do best.”

“How about this? We go out a few more times when your face looks pretty again and I catch you hitting on another guy at a bar. I kick his ass. Of course. And then you and I have a big fight in front of the paparazzi. We break up and I hit the talk show circuit to talk about how heartbroken I am and win the sympathy of America, which in turn, makes me look good going into mid-season.”

“And makes me look bad, right?”

“All’s fair in love—”

“And war. You’d be wise to remember that.”

“You’d be wise to look like the arm candy you are and remember your place.”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you, babe. I’ll see you tomorrow with a smile on your face, or else. And bring dinner. It might be a long night while we plan the big event.” He hangs up and just like the mug that broke, I’m left with shards, destroyed in an instant by the man I once thought I had a future with.
It’s not love.

KAZ CALLS AROUND
nine that night. I had fallen asleep on my couch watching an old black and white movie. I answer, but I shouldn’t have. Not in the state I’m in and not when I know what I have to do, and how it will hurt him. It’s a domino effect of the tragedy that has become my life. Better now than later before love is involved.
Because he is a man I could love.

“Hi,” I whisper into the receiver.

“Sorry for disturbing you. Were you sleeping?” he asks.

“I was, but it’s okay.”

“I wanted to check on you, see how you’re doing.”

I hide under the throw, wanting to disappear wholly. But reality keeps me grounded right here in heartbreak. “Kaz, we need to talk.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not,” I say, my true emotions bleeding through. “I like you so much, but there’s this stuff I have to deal with that you shouldn’t have to suffer through.”

“I like you too, Lara, that’s why I’ll be here for you, however you need. Just name it and I’ll be it, for you.”

“Be my friend. Be my client. But we can’t be more. Not right now.”

“What’s going on? Don’t shut me out. Be honest with me. What has changed?”

“Kaz, I’m sorry. I am. More than you know. You’re good. You’re amazing, but I can’t do this with you. I can’t be anything for you right now. My life is just full of complications that I can’t drag you into any deeper.” I hate the hitch in my voice, but I need to get this out. He needs to be free of me, and any threat to his career… his life. I take a deep breath. “I’m not even sure we should work together.”

“I’m not the groveling type, so if you don’t want to be with me, we won’t do this. But what the fuck happened in the last five hours?” His words are short. His voice is tight and controlled.

“Kaz—”

“Stop saying my name like that!
Fuck.
I thought you were different.”

And there it is. There is my out, and even though my heart will splinter into a thousand pieces, I take it.
“No,” I say, barely getting the single syllable out. “I’m not.” Save him the trouble of getting involved with me. Save him from this disaster. He’s silent for a moment, and I hold back the sob so desperate to escape. I add, “I don’t think it’s wise for us to work together either.”

“Fine. We won’t work together. Then it’s okay? Right?”

“I can’t—”

“Did last night mean so little to you?”

“No, last night meant everything to me. But today, I have to live in reality.”

“Don’t do this, Lara. I can come over. We can talk.”

“I can’t. I can’t talk to you anymore. It’s too hard. Please don’t try to convince me. This is just no good for either of us.”

“We’re good. We’re so good, Lara. Don’t do this. Whatever has happened, we can talk through this, we can—”

“Kaz, stop.” I close my eyes, but I lower my voice until I’m whispering, “It was good while it las—”

“You’re giving up.”

“I have no choice. It’s too much, too complicated right now. You need to be happy and that can’t be with me.”

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, but I really hate you for it.”

The word hate is a dagger to the heart and I start to cry. He says, “I’ve dragged this out long enough, I guess.” He stops and I hear his rough breath before he steadies his tone. “Have a good life, Lara.” Then he hangs up on me before I have a chance to say goodbye. I don’t know if I could anyway, but this time, I wanted the chance.

I’ll trade my heart to protect his. The pain now is far less than it will be down the road. He’ll see I saved him the trouble.
I just hope one day he forgives me and knows I only did this for the best.

Even if my heart died in the process.

I ANSWER MY
phone on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Open the door, Lara.” Rochelle sounds irritated.

Dragging myself out of bed, I don’t bother with my robe, and go. When I crack the door open, I keep my head down, not wanting her to see my face. She stands on the other side of the field of delivered roses, all still looking beautiful despite the intention behind them. “What is this?” she asks.

“Flowers.”

“Obviously. Who are they from and why are they still out here?”

“One guess.”

“Mark?”

“You got it.”

“Man, he spent thousands on these. Guess you’ve talked then.” I hear the glass vases grinding against the cement as she rearranges. I peek out, but she catches me. “Can I come in?”

“I’m sleeping. I was—”

“Sorry about that. Since you’re up, wanna brunch?”

“I can’t.” I fake yawn, hoping to convince her how tired I am with my bad acting. “I’m just gonna lie in bed all day.”

“What’s going on? Why aren’t you opening the door? And since when do you do nothing all day? You don’t know how to relax.”

“I’m tired.”

Her hand reaches the door and she presses, but I hold firm, only one eye still revealed to her. But she’s onto me, and I’m a shitty liar. I’ve got to get her to leave. After everything she’s been through, I don’t want to be another burden when she’s finally found peace, so I say, “Thanks for stopping by. I’ll call you later.” I shut the door and lean against it, guilt covering me from head to toe. I run to my phone and call her, trying to assuage my emotional turmoil. When she answers, the words come rushing out. “I’m sorry. I just, I can’t do this today, Ro. I want to tell you everything, but I need some time.”

“You’re scaring me, Lara. Open the door.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’m just dealing with stuff I can’t talk about right now.”

“What is going on?”

“Please trust me. I’m fine.”

Her frustration is heard. “Are you sure? I’m seriously worried by this conversation.”

“I’m sure. I’m gonna go back to bed and rest. We’ll talk soon.”

“I’m going to trust you, but if you ever need anything, call me.”

“I will. Thank you again.”

I don’t like to lie, especially to my friends, so keeping it vague keeps us all safe for now. I look down at the time on my phone. Seven hours to figure out what I’m going to do or show up at Mark’s with a smile and dinner ready.

THE STREET IS
quiet. If all the people only knew what I was about to do; if they only knew how far their neighbor has fallen from his shiny pedestal. If they only knew what he was making me do.

I know. And I feel worthless for doing it.

I feel despicable.

Disgust.

Shame.

I hate myself for doing this, but it’s a necessary evil. The man is unstable, so this is for the greater good. Until I figure out a way to end this forever, I’ll do what I have to, to survive, and to protect Kaz, who I already miss so much.

The gate code has been restored to the one I know and I’m let in. Once inside, the large bag of takeout is set on the kitchen counter and I start unpacking the food. After pulling the plates from the cabinet, I serve the food and set the table just the way I know he likes it. Stupidly, I once thought we were just getting to know each other when he’d comment on domestic things I did around his home, like setting the table, doing his laundry, and straightening up despite him having a maid once a week. Now I realize I was the one set-up. He wanted me barefoot and pregnant, his little stereotypical Stepford wife.

I stop my inner tirade and my fingers begin to shake.

He’s home.

I can sense him near, my emotions curling in on themselves out of fear. He’s chosen to torture me, to use this “insurance” to his complete advantage, and here I am a pawn in his sick game.