The Right Time (24 page)

Hennessy wasn’t sure where she was headed, but she had to be outside. Just a few minutes inside her mother’s trailer made her feel like she’d been locked in a cell, and she had to air herself out. Townsend was uncharacteristically quiet, probably still mulling over the morning.

“I’d like to be as far away from humans as possible,” Hennessy said. “Want to be outside with me?”

“Sure. I’ve been spending a lot of time outside at school. It’s the only way I can get away from all of the noise.”

“It’s not as warm as I’d like it, but I guarantee we’ll be warmer than we’d be in Vermont or Boston.”

“Won’t take much to win that bet, Chief. Where are we going?”

She thought for a minute. “Let’s hit one of the barrier islands. Then we can walk on the beach or go for a hike.”

“A hike, huh? I can’t say I’ve done much hiking, but I’m willing to give it a try.”

Hennessy took Townsend’s hand and placed it on her thigh, feeling much better to have that little bit of connection. They drove for quite a while, Hennessy’s need for wide-open spaces compelling her to keep driving until other cars were few and far between. “I think this is a good spot,” she said as she drove past a closed visitors kiosk at the entrance to a state park. “Lots of people in the spring and summer, not many now.”

They parked near a lighthouse, the lot dotted with a dozen cars. “There’s a decent trail up ahead,” Hennessy said. “Let’s go walk for a while, then swing back and walk along the beach.”

“I’m game, but remember I’m used to sitting in dark bars and smoking. My stamina probably isn’t very good.”

“Mine’s not great, either. I ran around like crazy when I was in high school, but my butt’s in a chair most of the time now. College is really bad for your fitness.”

Within five minutes, they were the only people around. It was a cool day, probably in the low 50s, with a brisk breeze skimming over the tops of the loblolly pines that towered over them. Hennessy loved the way the wind worked through the needles, sometimes sounding like a bunch of people all whispering at once.

“If we’re lucky, we’ll see some birds.”

“Birds, huh?” Townsend said, a crooked smile on her face. “Now don’t get my hopes up too high.”

Hennessy grasped her hand and squeezed it. “I know life’s slow down here, but…”

“Teasing, Chief. I like wandering around out here. It smells good.”

“It does,” Hennessy agreed. “Pine and salt mostly, but I could probably pick a few more things out if I concentrate.”

“I don’t need to know what the smell is. I just like it.” She threaded her arm around Hennessy’s and they walked for a long time, picking their way over the uneven path that meandered through the trees.

The trail was only a mile long, but Townsend was lagging by the time they were only half done. Hennessy consciously slowed down, realizing that Townsend’s fitness was far below her own. Of course, Hennessy hadn’t been smoking a couple of packs of cigarettes a day for the past four years. It had to take a while to clear the gunk out of your lungs.

Now that they were moving at a slower pace, Townsend started to talk. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Anything.”

The sun streamed through the trees, with bright spots of light reflecting off her golden hair. Hennessy was idly thinking of how remarkably pretty she was when Townsend said, “Do you ever wish you hadn’t been born?”

“No!” The volume surprised her, and Hennessy modulated her voice. “Why would you ask such a thing?”

She shrugged, looking like she’d started something she didn’t want to finish. But she soldiered on. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just thought…” Her lips pursed and she hesitated, then spit it out: “I thought maybe your parents would have had better or different lives if they hadn’t gotten married so young.” She swallowed, then looked up at Hennessy. “I’m very glad you were born, but I thought you might feel…I don’t know…”

“I’m glad I’m alive,” Hennessy said, not a doubt in her mind. “Yes, my parents, or at least my daddy, would have had a better life if he hadn’t gotten my mamma pregnant, but there are a million things that make life turn out like it does. I don’t feel responsible for their choices.”

“I wasn’t saying you should,” Townsend said. “I was just wondering.”

Hennessy pulled her to a stop, touched her chin to lift it, then looked into her eyes. “What’s really on your mind? Something is.”

Townsend blinked again, then shivered through her thin jacket. “I need to tell you something, but it makes me sick to think about it.” Her voice shook as her body trembled roughly.

“You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you, I promise.”

In a very quiet voice, she said, “I didn’t make the guys who had sex with me wear condoms. I got pregnant.”

“Oh, God, Townsend, I’m so sorry.”

“It was awful. I told my mother on a Monday morning, and that afternoon I found myself in a doctor’s office. Before I knew it they’d given me a shot of something. When I woke up…it was gone.” Her voice was flat and lifeless, the trauma obviously still fresh in her mind.

“Is that when your drinking got out of control?” Hennessy asked softly, still holding her tightly.

Townsend dropped her head onto Hennessy’s shoulder, still shivering. “I guess it was. After that, I started drinking when I was alone. I’d never done that before. I…wow, that’s weird.”

“You were violated,” Hennessy said. “The boys who had sex with you violated you, and your mother violated you by not letting you make the decision.”

“Do you hate me for killing it?” she asked, tears streaking down her face as her shoulders shook.

“Of course not! I could never hate you. Never.”

“I would have made the same choice,” Townsend said softly. “I would have. I regret getting pregnant, but I haven’t regretted having an abortion.” Her eyes searched Hennessy’s. “Until now.”

“Because of what I said?” Her heart started to beat quicker, and she felt a little lightheaded.

“Yeah. I’ve never thought of it from the kid’s perspective. Maybe that baby really wanted to live.”

Hennessy grasped her again and held her tightly. “It’s not the same thing at all,” she said. “You can’t compare my life to that of a fetus. That life is pure potential. Mine is reality.” She moved away just enough to be able to kiss Townsend’s head repeatedly. “Even if you’d had the baby, there’s no guarantee he or she would feel like I do. You might have had a kid who spent every day cursing you for having him.”

Townsend let out a brief laugh. “With my luck, that’s exactly what would have happened.”

“Have you talked about this in therapy?”

“No,” she mumbled. “I’ve always been too embarrassed to admit to it. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

Hennessy held her still and gazed into her eyes. “Look, I want you to find someone you can talk to about this when you get back to Vermont. You need to get your feelings out with someone safe.”

“Okay,” she said softly. “I’ve been tormented about it ever since I’ve fallen in love with you.”

“Just since—why?”

“I think of what it would be like to have a baby with you, and then I think that I already had my chance, and I destroyed it. I worry I won’t ever have another opportunity. That I don’t deserve one.”

“Yes, you do,” Hennessy whispered fiercely. “You deserve chance after chance. You were in an impossible situation. It wouldn’t have been any easier to have the baby and give it up for adoption. God knows you were too young to raise it yourself, and it’s clear that your mother didn’t consider raising it for you. All of your choices were bad, but you did the best you could. Now you have to learn how to let go of the guilt.”

“That’s the hard part.”

“Let me ask you a question.”

“Okay. What?”

“Did you detect the slightest bit of guilt in my mother? Was there any part of her that seemed ashamed or troubled that she couldn’t remember I was in college now?”

“No. Not a bit.”

Hennessy dropped a kiss on Townsend’s head. “That’s right. She’s guilt-free. My mamma is a born victim. Every bad thing that’s happened to her is someone else’s fault.” Tightening her embrace, Hennessy added, “You’re not like that. You have a conscience. And that conscience is what’s going to let you have a full, rich life.” She leaned forward and kissed Townsend’s cheek. “With as many babies as you want.” Townsend started to cry, and Hennessy kept speaking in a low, soft voice. “Two or three blonde little Townsends running around the house, making a racket and driving their mammas crazy.”

“Mammas?” she asked, looking up with her face streaked with tears. “Like two?”

“It’s awfully nice to think of having a baby with you. And even though you might disagree”—she patted her belly fondly—”you’ve got the better genes. I think you’d be a great mamma.”

Sobs wracked her body. Finally, Townsend got herself under control enough to say, “No one’s ever said anything nicer to me. Thank you.” A wry smile lifted one corner of her mouth. “Even though you’re lying through your teeth.”

It was nearly dusk when they got back to the house, but Hennessy still didn’t want to go inside. They made their way down to the dock, and sat on it, idly gazing at the mud the low tide revealed. “We may as well get all of the upsetting topics out today,” Townsend said. “I noticed your father didn’t come home again last night. Is that okay?”

Hennessy shrugged, stuck her chin out and stared off across the little bit of water you could see through the waist-high grasses that choked the channel. “Yeah. It’s not uncommon for him to find a woman and shack up with her for a few days. Eventually, she’ll get sick of him and throw him out.”

“Do you think of him as your father?” Townsend asked. “I don’t mean that like it sounds,” she added when Hennessy gave her a stunned look. “I just wondered if he seemed more like an uncle or a much older brother.”

“Right.” She nodded, looking contemplative for a bit. “I guess in a way that’s more like it. It was always like my grandparents were raising two kids, only I needed less minding.”

“He knows you’re home, doesn’t he?”

“Oh, sure. He’s still got his memory. He’s not nearly as bad as my mother is. More of a binge kind of guy, I’d say. He can be perfectly fine for months at a time, but then something sets him off, and he goes on a tear. I assume my coming home did the trick this time.”

“But why?”

“He’s a smart guy, and had a lot of promise in school. Gramma says there was talk of him getting a scholarship to USC. But he knocked up my mother, and around here, you do the right thing and marry the girl. That destroyed any chance he had at a better life. He resigned himself to working with Granddaddy, and that’s all she wrote.”

“You don’t think your parents were in love?”

“Love Mamma?” Hennessy laughed, a bitter tinge to the sound. “I don’t think he even liked her. They barely knew each other, to hear Gramma talk. But you know how guys are—they hear about a loose girl and they all want a pop at her.”

“I know.” She tried to keep her tone even and light, not wanting to show how the flippant comment had gotten inside. “I was that girl.”

Hennessy looked pained when she turned and gave Townsend a sad smile. “I’m sorry, June Bug. I know you’ve made some of the same mistakes my mamma did. I just thank God that you stopped when you did.”

“I do, too. Believe me, I do, too.”