The Right Time (50 page)

“Maybe I don’t put it on as often or as well as I should.” Hennessy felt very sheepish around her, and had a hard time maintaining eye contact.

“It’s almost my turn. What can I get you?”

“Any kind of tea.”

“It’s nice to know there are a few things I can rely on. Your tea consumption is one of them.”

Once they had their drinks, they left the coffee shop and went to an empty gate, where they could stretch out and talk in private.

Streams of people bustled for position as they barreled down the concourse. Everyone in a hurry to go—to fly away. But sitting so close to Townsend, looking into those mesmerizing eyes, smelling her fresh, sweet scent made Hennessy want to tear her ticket into a thousand pieces, latch onto Townsend’s leg, and beg to be allowed to stay.

But she had far too much pride for that. All she could do was look her in the eye and make her case. Hennessy had been rehearsing her speech for weeks now, and thought she had it down. But she was still as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. She gathered up her courage and began, “We haven’t had much time to talk, in person at least, and I wanted to tell you about some things I’ve discovered.”

Townsend raised an eyebrow. “Discoveries, huh? Sounds serious.”

“It is,” Hennessy said, trying to control the tremor in her voice. “I think I’ve figured a lot of things out. One of them, the big one, is that I’m now confident I’m gay.” She hadn’t said that to anyone except Robyn, and it gave her a chill. A good chill.

Townsend searched her eyes carefully. “You honestly weren’t sure before?” she asked, a puzzled smile curling her lips.

“No, I guess not.” Taking in a quick breath, she let it out in a flurry of words. “I figured that since I was having such a hard time being comfortable about any kind of intimacy I must not have been totally sure.” She sucked in a breath. “But I am now.”

“Good.” Townsend gave her an encouraging smile and a slap on the leg. “How do you feel about that?”

That brought her up short. She’d expected some form of excitement. “I feel good about it. Settled.”

Townsend leaned close, slid her arms around Hennessy’s waist, and hugged her gently. “You’re going to feel so much better having that settled.”

Hennessy swallowed. “I know… I know it’s asking a lot, but if there was any way you could wait for me…” She knew her cheeks were as red as a spanked baby’s bottom, but she’d never put herself out there so boldly.

Townsend looked as if someone had just told her her puppy had been hit by a car. She dropped her face into her open hands, and sat there for a moment, clearly trying to get hold of herself. When she looked up again, her voice shook when she spoke.

“I’m…”

For some reason, she shook her hands, like they’d fallen asleep. Hennessy had never seen her look so nervous, so unsure of herself, and it frightened her to death. This was bad. Really bad. She could feel a bus hurtling toward her, and she couldn’t even flinch.

“When I decided to start really listening to my therapist, I never knew if I was blindly following someone who didn’t know a damn bit more than I did, or if I was listening to someone who was going to help me save my own life.” She took in a massive breath and let it out slowly, eyes closed. “I think everything she’s told me so far has been helpful.” She dropped her head a little bit, and as her eyes opened, her gaze traveled to the floor. “One of the things she convinced me to do was pull away from you as much as possible.”

Hennessy felt as though she would choke on her own tears, but she held it together. “It’s good to know that was her idea, not just yours.”

“I wanted to talk to you, to tell you I needed more space, but…my therapist told me not to. She said it was best to back away and…” Her eyes squeezed shut. “Just back away.”

Hennessy shoved her hands under her thighs, squeezed against the plastic seat. If that damned therapist was here now…

Townsend looked at her, clearly seeking understanding. “My will was so weak at that point. One word from you would have shattered my resolve.”

“Your resolve to cut me out of your life,” she managed, her voice so full of anger she couldn’t get another word out.

“No! Never that! I wasn’t trying to cut you out of my life in any way.” She tugged on Hennessy’s hand, grasping it to tuck it between both of her own. “I needed some distance, to know that I could live my life by myself, for myself.”

Maybe…maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad… Nodding enthusiastically, Hennessy said, “That’s just what I wanted for you.”

“I know that,” Townsend said quietly. “You had good instincts. The problem is…it went a little further than that.”

Hennessy could see her swallow, could see her pulse pounding rapidly where the collar of her shirt brushed against her pale skin. Her own heart started to beat heavily in her chest. “How much further did it go?”

“It went pretty far.” She bit her lips so hard they lost much of their color, leaving her with pale indentations that lasted for a few seconds. A few seconds where Hennessy’s anxiety skyrocketed. “My therapist has been bugging me to start dating…someone…anyone…other than you.”

“She doesn’t even know me!”

“No, but she knows me. She knows how I feel about you. She knows the hold you have over me. She knows how big the power imbalance is between us.”

“Power imbalance? What in the hell?” Hennessy jumped to her feet, an attack of dizziness sending her right back into her chair, shaking. “Every couple has imbalances. Are you supposed to be with someone exactly like you? Is that some kind of psychiatrist jargon?”

“No…” She shook her head. “Well, maybe. But the fact is, for the first year of our relationship I was a child. A petulant child always trying to get her way.”

“You weren’t—” Hennessy stopped and let a few memories flow through her mind. Of Townsend doing everything possible to trick her into kissing her, of touching her, of sleeping with her. “Okay, you were. But you’ve changed since then. You’ve changed so much.”

“I have. But I’m still desperate to please you, to make you proud of me. To get your approval.” Sadness filled her beautiful green eyes. “If I disappointed you, if I hurt you, if I broke your heart, it would destroy me, Hennessy. Can’t you see that?”

All of the emotion she’d been trying to bottle up started to flow from her. “No, I can
not
. What matters is having someone who loves you completely, and wants nothing but the best for you. That’s me! You’ll never find someone who loves you as much as I do!” She was shaking like a leaf and knew that her voice was barely understandable. “I love everything about you; the wounded parts, the resilient parts, the perfect parts that nothing’s been able to mar. All of them!”

“I know that,” Townsend said quietly. “But even if we didn’t have the power imbalance, my therapist doesn’t think it’s good for me to get more deeply involved with you. At least, not right now.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t want to make too big a deal out of this, but you’re only a lesbian in your head. If you change your mind or find it isn’t right for you”—she shrugged—”she thinks it would affect my sobriety if you couldn’t commit.” Townsend looked at her earnestly. “She thinks it, but I
know
it would affect my sobriety if we couldn’t make it. The stakes are too high.”

“So, you’re going to go out with other people.”

Tears rolled down Townsend’s cheeks. “I already have. I’ve been with…”

“Jenna,” Hennessy said, spitting the word out.

“Yes, Jenna. I didn’t expect this to happen, but it did.”

Her gaze was so hot it could have burned holes in Townsend’s body. If Townsend hadn’t seen this coming, she was trying not to. “You’ve done more than ‘date’ her.”

Her cheeks burned pink. “I have,” she said weakly. Looking up again, she said, “I wish things had been different, but I honestly think this is the best thing for me right now.”

Hennessy’s anger bubbled up in a way she was entirely unfamiliar with. “Well, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
Your
happiness?
Your
sobriety? Everything has to go at your pace or you’ll jump off a cliff to punish everyone who loves you.”

Townsend was sobbing now and Hennessy wished she could punch herself in the face. “Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry I said that. I’d give anything to be able to take it back.” She put her hand on Townsend’s knee, expecting to have it slapped away. Instead, she was stunned by arms encircling her and pulling her into a crushing hug.

Her body was overheated and steamy, with tears wetting her face, eyes streaked with red. “I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. But you’re going to be gone for a year, and I need some experience.”

“
You
need experience?”

There was a long pause as Townsend pulled away, then spent a few moments straightening her clothes, her hair. She didn’t even glance at Hennessy as she did this, and Hennessy got a glimpse of a polished adult who’d learned to tamp down her raw emotions. For a second, she wished Townsend was still the wild, unfiltered girl she’d met two years earlier. There was something about this Townsend that was almost chilling.

Quietly, Townsend finally spoke. “Yes, even a dirty little whore like me needs to learn how to be with someone while I’m sober.” A little of her fire came back when she grasped Hennessy’s shoulder and squeezed. “And you aren’t the person I want to run that experiment with.”

“You’re not a whore,” Hennessy said, biting her lip. “You’re the woman I love—with everything that I am.”

“Then let me go.” Townsend’s studied veneer dissolved as she choked on her tears. “Let me try to work some things out, to figure out who I am. A sober, sexual person.”

“So you’re just…playing around? With a Mormon who I assume is a virgin?”

Townsend’s eyes closed and she nodded. “We’re not just playing around, but…” Slowly, her gaze settled on Hennessy. “I’m not sure what this is. I guess we’ll find out.”

“How can you do that to her?”

With a piercing stare, Townsend said, “I’m honest with her, Hennessy. I care for her deeply, and I feel very protective of her. That’s never happened to me before, and I think it’s exactly what I need at this point in my life. I’ve been focused on myself for so long, that it felt wonderful—weird, but wonderful—to be more concerned about making it safe for her than for myself.”

“And that leaves me…?”

Body still shaking, Townsend managed to whisper, “I desperately hope there’s still a chance for you and me. I know it might never happen, but it’s a wish that will always burn in my heart. You’re a part of me, Hennessy—you’re the very best part. I love you more than I can say, and no matter what happens, I hope that’s always true.”

She stared at her hard. Not sure which of the things she’d just said were lies. “But you’re going to try to have a relationship with Jenna.”

“I am.” She sucked in a ragged breath, and stared out the window. A massive jet started to move backwards, ground crew carefully guiding it. If Hennessy could have run down there and jumped on, she would have. It didn’t matter where the damned plane was going, she just wanted to get as far away from Townsend as she could.

Her thin shaking voice continued, each word cutting deeper. “I’m as sorry as I’ve ever been for hurting you. And you of all people know I’ve got an awful lot to be sorry for.

“I do,” Hennessy said, hoping her cold words felt like a punch.

Townsend’s chin shook, but she kept going. She was clearly going to talk until Hennessy was lying dead on the ground, her heart pierced by a thousand arrows. “I think this is the right thing for both of us. You can go to France and open yourself up to anything. And I can try to help Jenna, at the very least, come to terms with something she’s struggled with for a long time.”

“I need…” Hennessy stood up and looked around, desperately needing to be gone. “I need a minute.” She jumped to her feet and took off down the concourse, blood pounding so hard in her head she couldn’t register the announcement a flat, robotic voice pronounced.

She’d never been so angry. Not even close. The long day at the jail flashed in her head. Townsend couldn’t understand why she wasn’t angry then, but it made so much sense. Then she’d had a slip, a momentary loss of control. This was different. This was a cold, calculating decision, made when she was stone sober. Townsend was putting herself first, ignoring how her choice would destroy Hennessy. It took a long time, but as she stalked up and down the corridor, dodging businessmen and their rolling suitcases, women pushing baby strollers, carts carrying disabled passengers, some of her anger dissipated. Not all of it, not by a long shot. But after a while, she felt able to talk.

Heading back to the area they’d claimed, Hennessy plunked herself down in the chair she’d occupied before. “I just needed to—”

“You’re angry, and I understand that.”

“Yes, I’m angry,” she said, her blood starting to boil again. “You could have told me a thousand different ways. You could have—you
should
have—told me you needed space between us. But you didn’t. You let me worry and fret and keep myself up half the night dozens of times worrying about you. About us. And that sucks!” She yelled the last sentence, immediately regretting it when a number of people walking past turned to stare at them. “I’m sorry for yelling,” she said, quieter now. “But I’ve suspected you were getting close to Jenna for months, and you didn’t have the decency to tell me. Like you were going to see if you could pull something off, and if not, maybe I’d get another chance.”

“Look,” Townsend said, her hackles clearly rising as she poked her in the chest with a finger. “You can have as many suspicions as you want, but I’m the one who knows what went on between Jenna and me. I suggest you take that high and mighty attitude and tone it down. Do you want to have a civilized conversation, or not?”

“Yes, yes I do,” Hennessy said, contrite. “I’m just…beside myself with anger and frustration. I feel like you lied to me, and I can’t tolerate that.”

“I did not—not once—lie to you. You can believe that or not, but it’s the truth.”