The Rising: Antichrist Is Born (29 page)

“Promise?”

“But first I’ve got a story for you, and it sounds like you have one for me.”

“Meet you at
ROTC
headquarters?”

Though it was late, a few other ROTCs hung around the HQ lounge, watching TV, playing games, and talking. Irene had changed into a sweater and jeans. She embraced Ray. “Are congratulations in order?” she said.

“Hardly. I’ll tell you about it, but you first.”

They sat in easy chairs in a corner and drank coffee. “It wasn’t at all what I expected,” she said. “Bottom line, it was like church.”

“What? Start at the beginning.”

“Well, we left from here, but we started in his office. Commander Olsson—he kept telling me to call him Bodil, but I just couldn’t—started with ground rules. He kind of grossed me out, really. First he said I should not be alarmed because even though this was a real date, he wasn’t looking for a wife.”

“He said that?”

She nodded. “I told him that was good because I frankly saw him more as a father figure. Rafe, he looked crestfallen.”

“So he really was looking for a wife?”

“Oh, I don’t think so. I think he was hurt that I raised the issue of his age, indirectly. I mean, I see him more as a father figure because he’s old enough to be my dad.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, I felt bad. But anyway, he did everything short of having me sign a paper, stipulating that our evening was going to be totally civilian in nature and that nothing he did or said should be construed as
ROTC
or military related.”

“That had to scare you. What did he have in mind?”

“It did scare me. And I said so. I said, ‘Why should I be worried about that?’ And he said, ‘You don’t need to be worried. I do. I just wouldn’t want you saying that I used my position to give more weight to my words.’ I told him I would be more concerned about his actions than his words. He said, ‘I told you. This is not about even a potential relationship. The fact is, I don’t believe I’m free to marry again as long as my former wives are still alive.’”

“That would have sent me running,” Ray said.

“It almost did. I told him, ‘Commander, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. You’re creeping me out.’ Well, he apologized all over the place, laughed, said he hadn’t thought how that was going to sound, and assured me he had no inappropriate plans

for me or for his former wives.”

“So you went to dinner and a movie?”

“Dinner but no movie. I thought the conversation would never end. Truthfully though, Rafe, it was really, really interesting.”

“I’m all ears.”

“He drives me to Julio’s and—”

“Wow. Nice.”

“Tell me about it. He’s chivalrous, opening doors, pulling out my chair, the whole bit. But he’s got his Bible with him.”

“You’re not serious. He’s got a Bible?”

“Believe it or not. And it looks well used.”

Ray shook his head. “He didn’t read to you, did he? In public?”

“No, not that I wasn’t afraid he might. He did ask if I minded if he asked the blessing when the food came. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.”

“Why didn’t you tell him no?”

“I didn’t really mind. It was quaint. Reminded me of old movies where a family prays before they eat.”

“Your family do that?”

She shook her head. “If the chaplain was visiting. We just sort of got out of the habit.”

“Olsson’s not a chaplain, right? I mean, he has no divinity school training or anything like that?”

“Not that I know of. But he wants to be. That’s his next goal.”

“I didn’t even know he was a church kind of guy.”

“He wasn’t. That’s just it. He had quite a story. He got himself saved last year.”

“Saved?”

“That’s what he called it. He was depressed about his divorces and was drinking too much, having a bunch of one-night stands with women he never wanted to see again, especially sober. Anyway, some guy on the street was passing out leaflets about how to find a new life with God, and Olsson took one. He said the guy tried to talk to him right there, but he was too embarrassed and just kept moving. Said he got home, read it, found a Bible, looked up the verses, and got saved.”

“Saved from what?”

“His horrible life, I guess. It sounded a little severe compared to how I grew up. I mean, we went to the base churches, but we weren’t Baptists or anything. Isn’t getting saved what they always talk about?”

“Baptized, I thought,” Ray said. “But, yeah, maybe saved too.”

“Well, saved or whatever, the commander got saved. Prayed some kind of prayer and went out looking for the guy with the leaflets. Didn’t find him again until a few days later, and the guy got him connected with some church. I’m invited, by the way.”

“You don’t say.”

“Oh, yeah, and so will everybody else in
ROTC
, not to mention everybody else he knows. You know, Rafe, I’m not going—and I told him that and told him why—but I have to say, this is good for him. He really seems happy and persuaded, and he’s earnest about telling other people about it. He’s careful, and it finally came to me why he was so specific about how the conversation was personal and not official. I suppose he could get in trouble if he was doing this in his official capacity.”

“No doubt. So was he trying to get you saved?”

“Oh, sure. I told him I might get back to church one day, but that God and I had some deep problems because of my brother and my dad. He tried to tell me that God knew what it meant to have a family member die. That was kind of creative. But I always thought if that whole Jesus-on-the-cross thing was true, that was God’s choice, right? And He raised His Son from the dead after that. No such luck for me with my dad.

“The commander told me I should talk to God about it. I told him I had done that till I was sick of it. He said God could take it and that I should be honest with Him, tell Him I disagreed with Him, hated Him, whatever I felt. Have to admit I hadn’t heard that one before. I told him maybe I would consider religion again if I ever got married and had kids. I mean, I can’t imagine raising kids without church in their lives. It at least makes you think about being a better person.”

Ray nodded. “Can’t say I’m eager to go back though. My parents think Kitty and I go to the little church just off campus here.”

“Wayside Chapel? Why do they think that?”

“I wouldn’t lie to them. Well, maybe sometimes, a little white lie. But my mother asked me what I was doing about church. I told her Wayside was the nearest church, and she asked how I like it. I didn’t really say. I just told her, ‘Well, it’s not Central’ That’s where they go and where I went growing up. That made her feel good about Central—”

“And about you.”

“I suppose. I just have to make sure they don’t visit on a Sunday and expect us to take them. They’d realize that no one recognizes us.”

“Why can’t you be honest with them?”

“Tell them the only time I’ve been in church was when Kitty and I were visiting them? Yeah, that’d go over big.”

Irene went to get more coffee and brought back another for Ray. “Don’t you believe honesty is the best policy?” she said.

“Is that a Bible verse?”

“Probably. I should ask Olsson.”

Ray laughed. “Honesty can get you in trouble.”

“So can dishonesty,” Irene said. “I’m getting the impression you weren’t honest with yourself tonight.”

He sat back. “Well, I wasn’t honest with Kitty; I’ll tell you that.”

“You’re seriously engaged, ring and all?”

He nodded. “Not quite sure we’re engaged, but she thinks so, and everyone else is going to. That ring’ll convince ‘em.”

“You didn’t ask her, set a date, anything?”

He told the whole story.

“I kinda wondered,” she said, “what you were doing here if you just got engaged.”

“Kitty would probably wonder the same thing.”

Irene pressed her fingers to her temples. “Oh, Rafe,” she said, “you’re in deep.”

“I know.”

“Why?” she said.

“Why what?”

“Why did you let that happen? You’re clearly not ready for her. You may never be. I’ve said it before; it’s obvious you don’t even like her. Is the sex that good?”

He laughed. “It’s awful good.”

“That’s not funny. That’s not you. Well, maybe it is if you can’t even tell your parents the truth.”

“Touché,” he said.

“I’m not sparring with you, Rafe. What are you doing? I care about you as a friend, and you’re on the brink of ruining your life. How are you going to get out of this?”

“You’re recommending the truth?”

“What else? You going to make up a terminal illness? run away? commit suicide? What?”

“Those options aren’t all bad.”

Irene stood and moved to look out the window. Ray knew she could see nothing with the lights on in the center. She had to be staring at her own reflection.

“Don’t bail on me now, Irene,” he said. “I’m listening.”

“All right,” she said. “Are we friends?”

“Of course.”

“Can friends tell each other the truth?”

  “You can.”

“Then listen up. Rafe, you’re an impressive guy. You’re big and athletic and good-looking and smart. You have ambition, know what you want, and know how to set about getting it. What scares you so much about telling the truth? You don’t like Kitty, and you don’t love her either. She may be a scoundrel—I don’t know her; that’s not for me to say—but regardless, she deserves to know what you think.”

“That would be ugly.”

“Of course it would, but that’s your fault! You’ve led her along! She thinks you worship her, and now she thinks you’re committed to her for life. You shouldn’t let another day go by without her knowing the truth.”

“Oh, boy.”

“You know I’m right.”

He nodded miserably. “I do.”

“What’re you going to do, Rafe?”

“Marry you, I hope.”

She laughed. “I told you; I’m not taking you on the rebound.”

“I’ll wait, do whatever I have to do.”

“Be serious.”

“I am, Irene. I really am. We’d be perfect together. You’d tell me the truth and make me do the same.”

“Talk about threatening a beautiful friendship.”

She returned and sat, and they were silent for several minutes. What was the matter with him? She was right. He had to end things with Kitty, and fast. Could he really be falling in love with Irene at the same time? Maybe that wasn’t what this was. Maybe she was just a port in a very bad storm, someone he could sail to when he did what he had to do and his life started to sink. Ray couldn’t imagine the wreckage when this all went down. Kitty would hate him. I ler friends would hate him. Her families would hate him.

Ray sighed. “Don’t s’pose I can do this by e-mail.”

“Very funny. Not by phone either. Be a man, Rafe. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.”

“You’ve lost respect for me,” he said.

She didn’t say anything.

“You’re supposed to deny that, Irene. And tell me you still admire me.”

“Yeah, I know. I respect that you told me that whole ugly story, because you were honest then, even though it cast you in a pretty bad light. Fact is, you never should have let that happen tonight, and. you know it.”

He reached for her hand. “I’m going to need you— as a friend—when this happens.”

“I’ll be here,” she said, but she dropped his hand. “But I’m not kidding about your waiting to start pursuing me.”

“You think I was serious about that?”

“I know you were. But I need to see some real growth, Rafe. I can’t preach honesty without being honest myself. I might love taking our friendship to another level, but not now, not with you this way. To hear you tell it, you haven’t been wholeheartedly into Kitty since you first danced with her. Everything she said or did turned you off except the way she felt when you held her on the dance floor.”

“Pretty shallow, eh?”

“You said it. And then it only got worse. She was everything you’d been raised to despise, and you just deepened the relationship, took her home, went home with her. That makes you an animal.”

“Okay, I think that’s enough truth for one night, Irene.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I deserved it.”

“So, what’re you going to do and when are you going to do it?”

He stared at the floor. “I have to allow her to save some face, don’t I?”

“If you can while still being honest.”

“I can’t tell her I hate everything about her and her values.”

“I agree. Maybe you need to tell her you’ve been deceitful though, that you’ve been faking your deepest feelings.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier for her if I could say it’s not her, it’s me? I mean, that’s true, Irene. She hasn’t been phony. She’s been what she is and always has been and will always be. I may not like it, but it’s not like she has hidden it.”

“True.”

“So why don’t I tell her that yes, I’ve been dishonest and that I’ve found someone else?”

“Honesty, Rayford. Honesty above all.”

“But it’s true.”

“Rafe!”

“I’m in love with you, Irene. Don’t look at me that way. I am. And Kitty deserves to know it.”

“Leave me out of it. You know where I stand. And how’s it going to look if you tell her you’re breaking your engagement—or whatever it is; you’re dumping her anyway—for me, and then no one sees us as a couple for a while?”

“How long are you going to make me wait?” “A couple of months at least. And listen—I’m not interested in being your mother. I wouldn’t want a relationship where I was in charge, holding you to my standards. I want to see you become who you really are. Bold, confident, honest, knowing yourself. Not acting in ways that disappoint even you.”

“You’ve thought this through,” Ray said.

“Actually, I haven’t.”

“You’re brilliant then.”

“Well,” she said, “there is that, yes.”

He laughed. “Let me walk you to your dorm.”

She looked at her watch. “Oh, good grief, yes. Let’s get going.”

“You going to let me kiss you good night?”

“Yeah, right, while your fiancee sleeps with your ring on her finger. What do you think?”

Dreading the confrontation with Kitty was one thing. He might have even been able to formulate a plan of attack and then settle into a fitful sleep. But his mind and heart were plagued by the other issue. He was in love. And not with Kitty.