The Rocker That Holds Her (The Rocker...) (14 page)

No
,
Is So Heart Shattering

Thanksgiving was fast approaching and I was getting a little anxious. When I had asked Emmie to marry me, she had said yes, but only after the baby was born.

Well, now Mia was here and Emmie hadn’t even mentioned getting married. I was so ready to make everything legit. I wanted Emmie as my wife, not just my
baby momma
as the tabloids described her recently when they had run the story of Mia’s birth.

I was worried that Emmie thought I wasn’t serious about getting married. We hadn’t discussed it since I had asked her all those months ago. Maybe she thought I had only asked to prove a point, not because I really wanted to. The truth was I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted before.

Okay, I’ll admit that when I first started accepting my feelings for Emmie for what they really were I had been scared out of my mind. Marriage had terrified me back then. In the world of rock ’n’ roll, of any celebrity really, marriages didn’t last long. The touring, the crazy fans, the whole fucking lifestyle was rough on a relationship. But hell, Emmie had put up with me and that lifestyle for longer than most marriages lasted. I had faith that we could make it work now.

To show her how serious I was about marrying her I went shopping. It took me two days to find the ring I wanted. A five carat princess cut engagement ring that was handcrafted by one of the most sought after jewelry designers on the planet. It cost an ugly amount of money, which was nearly impossible to keep from Emmie until I gave it to her.

Luckily I had Axton. With Jesse and Drake distracted by their own relationships, and Shane doing only gods knew what, Axton was the only other friend I really had that I could ask for help. To keep Emmie from finding out before I wanted her to, I asked Axton to buy the ring and I would pay him back once Emmie had the ring.

Axton handed over his credit card without a blink of an eye. “Treat her right, man,” he advised me with a sad smile.

I clasped my friend’s hand in a tight handshake. “Always.”

With the ring in hand I set out to make this proposal at least a little more romantic than the last one I had made. Layla agreed to babysit Mia for us while I took Emmie out for the first time since the baby had been born.

I had never been so nervous in my life, and I wasn’t even sure why. She had already agreed to marry me. I had my yes. Now I just needed to give her the ring and ask her to set a date. The sooner the better.

A limo was already waiting on us as we stepped outside and I helped Emmie into the back seat. She gave me a grin as she scooted over, and I climbed in beside her. “This is unexpected.”

“I thought I would spoil you just a little.”

She reached for my hand, linking our fingers. “Thanks, Nik.”

I pulled her against me. “I love you, Em.”

“
Still?” She grinned, but I saw the uncertainty in the green depths of her eyes. It gutted me to see it. “I figured that after the last few weeks I had driven all that love away.”

Her postpartum depression hadn’t completely disappeared overnight. She was still struggling with it, but I hadn’t let her push me away again. She had my complete support now. “No, baby. Nothing you do will ever stop me from loving you.”

I held her close as the driver managed to get us to our destination. We had dinner at one of LA’s most popular restaurants. I had thought about giving her the ring after dinner, but knew she would think it was too cheesy.

She was laughing and clinging to my side as we got back into the limo, more relaxed than I had seen her in weeks. I pulled her legs across my lap and held onto her left hand as the driver pulled into traffic. “Did you enjoy tonight?”

“It was the best.” She leaned back in the corner of the seat, her head resting on the door. “Thanks, babe.”

“
It’s not over.” I reached into my pocket for the little box I had been carrying for two days now. I had been so worried about her finding the ring that I had kept it with me since I bought it.

Her head jerked up when she saw the box and she reached for the button to turn the lights on overhead. “What is this?” she demanded.

My anxiety returned and I tightened my hold on her hand when she started to pull away. Opening the box, I took the ring and slipped it onto her finger. Her eyes widened. “Are you crazy?”

“
About you, yes.” I laughed, trying to hide my fears.

“
That’s an engagement ring…” she suddenly whispered, going from demanding to dazed in the blink of an eye.

“
Of course it is. Engaged women normally wear them.”

“
But…” She frowned, breaking off and staring down at the ring that fit perfectly on her finger.

“
You said that once Mia was born we would get married. You haven’t even mentioned it.” I didn’t confess that I was scared out of my mind that she wasn’t going to marry me after all. That she didn’t want to marry me… “I realized that maybe since I hadn’t given you a ring you thought that I hadn’t been serious when I asked you.”

She swallowed hard, her face looking paler than I had seen it in weeks. “No, I knew you were serious.”

“When do you want to get married? I was thinking next month.” Christmas was a good a time as any to get married, right?

“
No.” She shook her head, some of the dazed look fading from her eyes.

“
Okay, how about January? That is plenty of time for you to find a dress.”

“
I don’t want to get married in January either…” She tugged her hand free, and I reluctantly let her go. “I… I’m not sure I want to get married at all.”

All the color drained from my face as all my fears rushed to the surface. She didn’t want to marry me? No, no, no. She couldn’t possibly have said that. I wasn’t hearing her right. “What?” I croaked out.

Green eyes darkened to a shade I had rarely seen. “I love you, Nik. More than anything. But… why do we have to get married? We’re happy. You, Mia, and me are a family. That’s enough for me.”

My fingers actually trembled as I raked them through my hair. “Well it isn’t enough for me!” The words came out harsher than I wanted them, but I was suddenly hurting in a way I had never hurt before. Emmie didn’t want to marry me. She didn’t love me enough to become my wife.

My world felt like it was crashing around me.

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. I had everything I wanted, except Emmie as my wife. When she had said yes to marrying me all those months ago, I had accepted that as proof of how much she loved me. Just as she had trust issues, so did I. And now my trust was starting to crumble.

Maybe Emmie didn’t love me as much as I thought.

--

It took me four days to come to my senses. Four days of pain that went soul deep and left me feeling as if I had a mortal wound that kept festering every time I so much as looked at Emmie. We had been fighting almost constantly over the last four days. Not over getting married, because she refused to talk about
that
. But everything else, even the way I burped Mia, was a subject that had us practically screaming at each other. 

On the fifth day, I woke up to an empty bed and realized I was out of my mind. Emmie was just scared. That was the only reason I could come up with to explain her refusal to get married. She hated change. Change had always been a bad thing in her eyes.

The first change I had forced on her was when I had left with the band. Her life had been turned upside down with no one around to take care of her while she had to deal with her mother. The second was when we brought her to live with us on the road. While that hadn’t been traumatic, it had been life changing and probably scary for the fifteen year old she had been. And then when Mia had come she had been so sick with her postpartum depression that she had nearly lost herself for a while.

Her fear of change had kept her from admitting her feelings for me. That fear had her begging Shane, Drake, and Jesse not to leave her when we had finally settled down in Malibu. And now I could see that that same fear was keeping her from marrying me.

I had to give her time and pray that she would realize that out of all the changes I had made in her life, marrying me was not going to hurt her in any way.

It was with that mentality that I stepped into the shower. Fifteen minutes later I was downstairs following my nose to something that smelled so good my stomach growled in appreciation. Steak and eggs! Oh sweet heavens.

The kitchen was busy this morning. Layla was cooking for everyone while Jesse had a goofy grin on his face. Shane was at the kitchen table with Lana and Drake talking about plans for the night while Emmie spoke rapidly on her phone with a determined look on her face that told me she was taking care of some business issue.

“
Morning people,” I greeted, noticing that Lucy and Mia were absent from our family gathering. “Where are the babies?”

“
Morning.” Layla gave me a megawatt smile that had me stumbling a little at how beautiful it was. Shit, she was pretty when she was happy. “Lucy is still at her sleepover and should be home soon. Mia is napping.”

I stopped pulling out the chair between Emmie and Lana. “Okay, what did I miss?”

Jesse grabbed hold of Layla’s waist and pulled her down onto his lap. “Congratulate me, bro. I’m getting married today.”

For one brief second I was overcome with jealousy. Jesse had known his girl all of five minutes and he was already getting married. Meanwhile, Emmie had always been my other half and I couldn’t get her to even talk about the dreaded M-word. It wasn’t fair any way I looked at it.

But then my love for my band brother and best friend pushed down that evil jealous monster, and I was thrilled for the happy couple. I vetoed the chair and went around the table to clap the big bald rocker on the back. “That’s fucking awesome, Jess! Congrats, dude.” I bent my head and brushed a quick kiss over Layla’s cheek. “Welcome to the family, Lay.”

Emmie tossed her iPhone onto the table, a grin on her face. “It’s set. I got the nicest chapel in Vegas and was able to get us all rooms for tonight at the hotel we normally stay in. As soon as Lucy gets home we can go.”

Jesse let out a
whoop
and kissed Layla long and hard. I dropped down in my seat beside Emmie and reached for the plate of breakfast that Layla had made for me. Shane and Drake were talking about their own plans for after the wedding while Lana looked almost hung over. I shot her a concerned glance, noticing her pale face and set jaw. Drake asked her a question and she gave a tight smile and remained silent.

I worried about her as I ate my breakfast, but before I could question her, she excused herself to pack for the overnight trip. I grimaced as I watched her walk away. Whatever was wrong with her I didn’t feel like I had a right to ask questions, but if she didn’t look better by the time we left for Vegas I would ask Jesse to talk to her.

After I rinsed my plate and put it in the dishwasher—something I had come a little more accustomed to doing since we had first moved in—I headed upstairs to pack. Emmie had enough to worry about with getting Mia ready to go to have to deal with packing my things. To my surprise, however, she was sitting on our bed when I walked into the bedroom.

I raised an eyebrow at her as I crossed over to my closet and pulled my smaller suitcase from the back. “I figured you would be running around getting Mia’s things set.”

“I did that already.” She stood and I sensed her walking toward me. “Can we talk?”

I shot her a glance over my shoulder. “Yeah, sure, baby.”

I grabbed a pair of jeans and tossed them in the open case then turned to face her. As she walked toward me I noticed the ring I had given her winking back at me. I took it as a good sign that despite the fact Emmie refused to get married, she hadn’t taken her engagement ring off once—not even when she slept. Emmie didn’t even sleep with her nose ring in, so why the engagement ring?

Emmie bit her lip and I had to look away. Dammit, I wanted her so bad I was one big ache. We hadn’t had sex in months, and for the last five days we hadn’t so much as kissed or held each other at night. “We’ve been arguing a lot and I hate it. I know that I made you mad the other night when I told you I don’t want to get married. I’m sorry, Nik.”

Despite my throbbing body and the fear that I would come in my pants at just a brush of her body against mine, I reached out and pulled her against me. I couldn’t stand the distance that I had inadvertently caused between us. I had been so anxious to get her to set a date that I had nearly ruined everything between us. “I’m sorry, Emmie. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. You still have fears, and I will try my damnedest not to rush you. I just hope that one day what we have will seem too little and you will want more with me.”

Her eyes darkened with something I couldn’t decipher. I didn’t question it as I brushed a tender kiss over her lips and stepped back before I embarrassed myself by spraying in my shorts at even that innocent contact.

…Emmie…

It was a bitch trying to put a wedding together in less than twenty-four hours.

I was on my phone nearly the entire way to Vegas. Just because I had the chapel ready to go and hotel rooms reserved for everyone didn’t mean that everything was ready. I had to make sure that all the guys got tuxes. No way was I going to let my best girlfriend get married with her man in jeans and a Demon’s Wings T-shirt.

Plus there was a wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses for the rest of us to buy, not to mention flowers and a bouquet for Layla. At one point I had to reach back into the back seat of the Escalade and pull Layla off of Jesse to find out what flowers she liked more. I was more amused than annoyed. Jesse hadn’t let Layla get more than a few inches away from him all morning. Poor Layla was going to be brain dead before the wedding even took place because he was depriving her of oxygen the way he continued to kiss her.

I watched Lucy as she gave her sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law a disgusted grimace. She was still a little dazed from all the excitement. After getting home from her first sleepover she had been rushed into the third row of the Escalade and told Layla was getting married. She seemed both happy and frightened at the same time. I couldn’t blame her. In her young life she had been tossed upside down more than her fair share—the death of her mother, moving in with a sister she didn’t know, then moving next door to a bunch of rowdy rock stars. Now her world was changing even more with the addition of a brother-in-law and another move—even if the move was a mere two houses down.

I felt her fears because I had been having some of my own for the last five days. Why couldn’t Nik be happy with the way things were? Most men in the world would be ecstatic if their girlfriend told them that they didn’t want marriage.

But Nik did. He wanted it more than I have ever known him to want anything.

Marriage wasn’t something I was ready for. At least that was what I kept telling myself. Besides, I knew that I was going to love Nik for the rest of my life. Just as I knew that given the chance I would have at least one more child with him. Marriage on the other hand…it kind of terrified me in a way nothing else had. Even motherhood didn’t scare me as bad as the thought of marriage did.

Maybe it was because marriage meant that things were going to change again. I wasn’t good with change. It had rarely been a good thing for me. Moving to Ohio from West Virginia at the age of five had been good in that I had met the guys. But that all changed when the band had signed on with Rich as their manager and a record label had picked them up. The years without them had been bleak to say the least. When I had found out I was pregnant, I worried that I would lose Jesse, Drake, and Shane—three of the most important people in my life. I hadn’t been able to face a reality where they weren’t right down the hall on a daily basis.

Having Mia had brought a change that had been all on me. I had changed to the point that for a few weeks I didn’t even recognize myself. I was still struggling a little with it, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been.

Yet even having lost myself couldn’t compare to the fear of losing what I could possibly lose if I got married—Nik. I was sure that I would lose Nik if I married him. That fear was so acute, so fucking strong that I could taste my fear when I let myself think about it. I could face letting Jesse, Drake, and Shane living their own lives. I could handle losing myself in the fog of postpartum depression.

But I wouldn’t survive if I lost Nik…

Nik pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, and I rushed everyone through check-in. The next few hours were crazy, busy, and I will admit a little fun. Between Layla, Lana, and even Lucy I was hard pressed not to find something to laugh about.

It wasn’t until we were in the chapel with Layla and Jesse exchanging their vows that my mind started racing. Something Nik had said before we had left the house kept nagging at me.
I just hope that one day what we have will seem too little and you will want more with me.
Was that what he really thought?

The more I thought about it the faster my heart raced. I watched Layla and Jesse, tears in their eyes as they pledged to love each other for the rest of their lives. Hadn’t I already done that with Nik in my heart? Wasn’t I his wife in my soul already?

I glanced down at the ring that sat so perfectly on my left hand. I hadn’t been able to take it off, not even at night. I couldn’t stand to sleep in jewelry and felt tangled and restrained even when wearing earrings. So why hadn’t I taken off the ring?

Because under all the fear, I
wanted
to marry Nik.

I nearly laughed out loud at how stupid I had been acting. Marrying Nik wouldn’t cause me to lose him, but not marrying him might!

A new fear twisted in my stomach. What if Nik decided that my not wanting to marry him meant I didn’t love him? That to me our relationship wasn’t important enough to me to take it to the next level?

Jesse and Layla were halfway down the aisle, their hands already all over each other as they walked, before I snapped out of my stupor. Nik was standing there, his hand out to me so I could walk down the aisle with him after our friends. Tears filled my eyes and I threw myself into his waiting arms.

“I’m sorry!” I pushed back enough to look up at him, hoping that he could see how much I loved him shining through my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Nik. I love you. I want to get married.”

Behind me Jesse joked and I only half listened. My attention was focused on Nik, watching as his eyes filled with tears and a smile lifted his kissable lips. “Will you marry me, Nik?”

He laughed and it was then that I realized that I would never have to fear losing Nik. “Yes, Emmie. I’ll marry you.”

--

Mia was sound sleep when I got out of the shower. Nik was relaxed on the bed with the remote in one hand flipping through the channels, looking for the scores of the college football games he had missed today. While he was distracted, I took my time looking at the man that was going to be my husband in a little over a year; we had already set the date.

Having showered after I put Mia down for the night in the crib provided by the hotel, Nik had only bothered with putting a pair of boxers on. His free hand was lying on his stomach and his blue eyes were half-closed in relaxation. I was hoping to
un
-relax him in the next few minutes.

“
How did the Buckeyes fare today?” I asked, untying the gray silk robe I had picked up while shopping for Layla’s wedding dress earlier.

“
Haven’t seen their scores yet.” Nik tossed the remote aside, bored with the television, before finally raising his eyes to me.

When that blue gaze landed on my red teddy, his eyes dilated with passion and I watched as his boxers suddenly became a tent from the erection he instantly got. My nipples tightened in response to his instant reaction to me. It had been so long since I felt his hands on me, and I was aching for them right now.

“Wh-what’s this?” he asked in a voice so gravely with desire it sounded almost animalistic.

“
I saw the doctor yesterday,” I told him. The appointment had gone well, and I had even decided to start taking the pill so Nik wouldn’t have to worry about condoms. “As long as we don’t get carried away, it’s okay to have sex again.”

The words hadn’t fully left my mouth before he was grabbing me and pulling me onto the bed. Nik moved fast, covering me with his big, hard body and slamming his mouth down on mine. When he finally pulled back we were both gasping for breath.

“I’ll be careful, baby. I swear I won’t hurt you.”

My fingers were trembling with both passion and love as I lifted them to trace his damp mouth. “I know, Nik. I love you.”

His eyes darkened even more. “I love you too, Em.” Warm lips brushed over mine in a butterfly caress before kissing across my cheek, down my neck, and pausing to nuzzle my ear. “I know that getting married is a big deal for you. Thank you for making every dream I have ever had come true.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. I had cried far too much in recent weeks. I didn’t want to cry when I was so happy. “I was terrified that I would lose you if we got married,” I confessed my unnatural fear.

He pulled back enough to meet my gaze. “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” He shook his head sadly. “You’re stuck with me no matter what, Em. It nearly destroyed me when you said you didn’t want to marry me, but I still couldn’t walk away from you.”

One errant tear spilled down my cheek, and I dashed it away with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whispered. It gutted me to know that I had caused him pain like that.

His long fingered hand cupped my left breast, his thumb brushing over my distended nipple. That one touch and I felt like I was on fire with need. I wanted him so bad that I was sure I would come at the first touch of his fingers on my pussy. My thighs spread as if they had a will of their own, and Nik came down over me, his pulsing dick pressed against me perfectly.

“
Fuck, you feel so damn good!” he muttered, his jaw clenched as if he were having just as much trouble holding on to his self-control as I was. “This is going to be over embarrassingly fast, baby.” He buried his face in my neck while his hands were busy touching me everywhere. “I’m so close I don’t think I can last much longer.”

He moved his hips just a little and his dick brushed over my clit. Even through the thin layers of clothing that still separated us that one small contact had me panting. I clutched at his bare back, my nails sinking into his skin so hard that they nearly broke through. I let out a small scream only to bite my lip, scared I would wake Mia who was across the room in her crib.

“Looks like I’m not the only one,” he rasped out, gritting his teeth so hard I could hear it even through the blood rushing through my ears. “Gods, I love it when you’re wild like this.”

I arched my back, pressing my pussy against his dick harder. “Fuck me, now,” I commanded. “Or I’m going to attack your sexy ass.”

Fingers that trembled unsnapped my teddy at the crotch. Seconds later, Nik was pushing inside of me. It had been so long, and I was tighter than I had ever been. If I hadn’t wanted him so desperately, if I wasn’t soaking wet for him, it would have hurt.

Nik thrust halfway in and stopped. He was holding on to his control by a ragged thread, and the effort was costing him dearly. His entire face was clenched, veins popping up in his neck and forehead as he gasped for breath. “Am I…hurting…you?” he gritted out.

He was harder than I could remember him being. His dick pulsed inside of me, and I shuddered with pleasure. “I’m good. I’m better…than good.” Sweat dripped down Nik’s face and my entire body was damp with my own perspiration. Less than five minutes and I was in need of another shower. “Please, move.”

“
You’re so tight, baby.” He shifted his hips just a little, gaining half an inch deeper. “Don’t want to hurt you.”

My need for him was flooding my pussy more and more with each passing second. There was no way he could hurt me. Not when it felt this fucking amazing. “You won’t. I swear. Please, Nik. I want you so bad.”

He groaned and pulled almost completely out of me. I whimpered in protest, wanting him deep. “Nik! I’ll beg if you want me to.”

Nik muttered a harsh curse and slammed back into me, going balls deep. There was nothing that could possibly compare to how good he felt deep inside of me like that. I clung to him as he slowly pulled out of me only to dive deep again. I was shaking, so close to the edge of my release that I wasn’t sure I was going to survive the fall.

“Emmie, I love you!” Nik whispered, thrusting deep one final time.

His words sent me over the edge. Those sweet words that I had never thought I would hear him say pushed me to a release that left me free falling. I cried out, not sure what exactly I was saying, as I felt him coming apart in my arms.