The Romance Novel Cure (27 page)

Scott pointed out how the sand would never stay in the sand box for long, and Alma took a breath, letting it out slowly. They talked for a while, getting to know one another, describing how each of them had met the other. Scott and Patrick described how they had adopted the three siblings and then basically adopted the kids’ grandmother, who had not been doing well at an extended care facility. The conversation was naturally broken up by constant interruptions from the children. Jasmine needed more water, but she just wanted to shake the sippy cup in such a way that the water came out of the spout.

“We can’t help but think it’s clearly an indication of a very bright mind at work, and don’t know whether to be amazed or very, very afraid,” laughed Patrick.

“Both,” Scott said, as he returned from putting dry shirts on both boys, who were in the sandbox. “Jylan, shovels stay down, remember?”

Elijah continued to drink but slowed, and his eyelids began to flutter closed. “He didn’t really get enough sleep,” said Daniel.

Scott and Patrick asked him questions about Elijah’s daily routine, how he slept and when he slept and what he was eating and doing in terms of development. Daniel asked about Jasmine, who was close in age to Elijah.

“Do you share custody with an ex?” Scott looked curious.

“No,” said Daniel. “It’s just me and him.”

“Really?” Scott blinked.

“Scott!” Patrick glared at him.

“No, it’s okay.” Daniel smiled, glancing at Alma. “I have full custody. His, um, birth mother is not in the picture.”

“Oh my gosh,” breathed Patrick. “Was it an awful custody battle? Our three kids? Their birth mother lost all parental rights.” He whispered the last part. “She just was not able to parent.”

“Oh, man, that must be a hard situation. No, with us… I mean, she did terminate parental rights, at birth.” Daniel took a breath, looking quickly at Alma again. “Elijah’s biological mother and I weren’t even a couple. She planned to find an adoptive family, but let me know that she was pregnant. She was going to go to medical school. So it ended up being the kind of thing where I knew right from the beginning that I would be a single parent. I have full custody. But I’m his dad, you know? There was… there was nobody else. She lives out of state, she was just here for a really short time. I realize that makes me sound like a…” He looked around at the children and then spelled the rest, “S.L.U.T.” He looked down at Elijah, who was sleeping by this point, the bottle slipping from his mouth. “But that’s not who I was, really. Not who… who I am.” He couldn’t look at Alma.

“I can’t even,” whispered Scott. “I mean, we wanted to become parents for so long. It sounds like you had this sudden decision to make, like it must have felt as though it came out of the blue.”

“Out of the blue, you got that right,” grinned Daniel. Then his expression became thoughtful, almost sad. “But I can’t even imagine how she felt. She never expected… she didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t as if she thought she would even have my support, you know? But… it all worked out.”

“Do you have family who can help you?” Patrick took the empty bottle from Daniel’s hand. “I’ll wash it for you in a minute.”

“Thanks. Well, no. No family nearby. At first, I thought I would. I had a cousin and his family, but they had to move.” He looked down at Elijah’s peaceful face. “His mother used to get these emails, you know? When she was pregnant. About what stage of development Elijah was at. It was too hard for her. So, she deleted her account but set me up with it. So there I was, trying to make arrangements to become a father, totally rearranging my life, and I would get these notices that came to my phone, telling me how big Elijah was, and what organs were growing and everything. I just remember that.”

“Are the two of you in touch often?” Scott asked tentatively.

“No. Not at all. She wanted to move on, focus on medical school. She is going to become a doctor who helps people who have cancer. An oncologist, or someone dedicated to focusing on research. To help find a cure for cancer. She said if Elijah wants to meet her when he is eighteen, then she’ll be open to it, but meantime, like I said, she just wanted to move forward.”

He looked at Alma, who was looking at the quilt, tracing a pattern with her index finger. He hoped he hadn’t overwhelmed her with the information about how he had become a father. He didn’t think it showed him in a very good light. He struggled with the sense of shame that rose, filling his chest and throat. Alma kept looking down, her hair sliding forward to hide her face. Damn. Here he was, his baby in his arms. He wouldn’t have his life any other way, but right now, he wished he was alone with Alma. He wanted to look in her eyes, wanted to make her laugh. And he wanted to kiss her, hold her close. Would he ever get the chance?

Last time he had kissed a woman, before kissing Alma last weekend, that same night he had gotten her pregnant, although he had not known it at the time. Jessica. Elijah’s mother. She had been in town, part of a wedding party for a college friend. Daniel had met her at a bar where she was at the bachelorette party. Daniel was out with some guys after work, having some beers. Their eyes had met, she had grinned, and then made her way over to him. They had ended up going back to her hotel room. Daniel had been thrilled. She had party favor condoms and although it was clear she was there just for the weekend, she was bright and sweet and funny, and they had had an unexpected night of instantaneous attraction and affection. They had made half-hearted assertions that they’d keep in touch, the next morning, groggy and achy headed. Daniel had texted her a couple of days later, asking how the wedding was and saying how great it had been to meet her. He found himself wishing she lived nearby, but she lived in a small town in New York state. He had thought about her a lot. It would have been great if he could see her again. She wrote back a couple of days later, saying it had been so nice to meet him as well. They exchanged few texts more over the next few weeks, feeling more and more disconnected. That was it, until four months later. All their half remembered lighthearted, sweet attraction was immediately quenched in the tense, miserable, confused conversations that followed: Jessica was pregnant. The condom must have been defective. Neither of them could recall it tearing. They would have remembered that for sure. But, it had happened. She had been accepted to medical school and couldn’t imagine becoming a mother.  She would be registering with an adoption agency. She had broken up with someone before her trip to Albuquerque. She and her ex boyfriend had started talking again, when she got back. They wondered if they should give their relationship another chance. Then: this. Pregnant. Daniel and Jessica had awkward conversations full of defensiveness about the issue of whether or not Daniel was truly the father. Finally, crying, Jessica had described in detail how she and her ex boyfriend had broken up two months before her trip to Albuquerque, and how she hadn’t slept with anyone else. In fact, Daniel was the second person she had ever had sex with. Daniel had felt awful. It was the worst conversation ever. He awkwardly heard himself asking her to marry him, if she wanted to. He reminded her of how they had fell so effortlessly in bed, how they had seemed to like one another. Maybe they could build on that, with a baby on the way. To his dismay, she grew angry, and hostile. Her feelings were hurt. She felt she had acted wrongly in being intimate with him, and she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend, even though things were confused and complicated.

In all the shock, shame, and sadness, one feeling had grown stronger and stronger for Daniel. It was a feeling of: no. No, don’t give the baby up. Our baby. My baby. While there would be a loving couple out there who would provide a home, no. While they would be sure to have more resources than Daniel: no. Maybe it was just how he was made. Maybe it was because he had strong and complicated feelings about fathers and family, loss and love. Whatever the causes or reasons: no. He would take the baby that they made that sweet, hot night. That bright green party favor condom: he should have known. He said he was sorry, so sorry. He got a girl
pregnant
. He couldn’t get over the feeling of guilt and shame.

He wished that they had been able to recover some of their casual, laughter-filled conversation that he remembered from that one night. But it was all awkward. They had further conversations that felt strained and full of confusion but none as bad as the fatherhood one. It was all made worse by the fact that Jessica was incredibly ill with morning sickness: morning, noon, and night sickness, she called it. She eventually was put on a medication to control her symptoms, but she never felt completely well. And she was miserable about her ex boyfriend, who she was still talking to. Things were still complicated.

When Daniel had flown up to New York, he had realized he would not have recognized her. She was so pale and serious in the hospital bed, Daniel’s heart felt as though it broke, seeing her. He sat on a chair that he pulled close to her bed as her parents left the room. They had looked shell shocked. He felt so ashamed. Jessica could barely look at him, but when she did, her eyes were clear, resolute.

“I don’t know how I know, but I know. You’ll be a good father. I hope you’ll forgive me, someday.”

“Forgive you?” Daniel was incredulous. “For what?
You’ve
done nothing wrong.”

“For being so stupid about the condom. For not having back up protection. For not…” Here her voice faltered. She took a deep breath. “For not being able to be his mom. For not having any money to give you. My parents… we’re not well off, by any means.”

“I get it. No, it’s… it’s okay, Jessica. You’ve got plans. You’ll have another shot at all of this. For now, you want to make your dreams come true. I should have known not to trust a green condom.”

“Wasn’t it pink?” She almost smiled, but she had tears in her eyes by then.

“I’m so sorry.” Daniel went to reach for her hand, then let his hand fall to his side when she made no move toward him, and she kept her eyes on the window.

He felt like crying, seeing her look so serious and pale, staring out the window. He got up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I hope you feel… better.” He didn’t know what he was saying, felt like a jerk. She nodded, kept her head turned away. “Bye, Daniel.”

“Bye. I’m so sorry, Jessica.” He went out into the hallway, tears blinding his eyes.

Her parents were there, looking lost, ill, as though they hadn’t slept in months.

“We can’t… we don’t want to see him or hold him,” confided the mother, her voice trembling. “It would be too hard. We just want what’s best for him, and for Jessie. She has a scholarship. She has been working her whole life…”

The father was silent, looking at some point down the hallway as though he was looking miles into the distance.

“She… She is going to save lives one day. I’ll take care of our… my son.” Daniel didn’t know what else to say. He wanted to comfort them, apologize, but he was feeling all over the place, knowing his life was going to change more than he could fathom. Had already changed. Was changing with every second. Jessica’s mother pressed a bag in his hands and turned away. Later, in New Mexico, he found several baby outfits and blankets, and a check for three hundred dollars. That was the last contact he had had with them. He had communicated a few more times with the lawyer who had helped them, and that had been it.

At the hospital, a social worker came up to Daniel, ready to take him to the nursery. The parents turned away. The next few minutes were always a blur in his memory until the moment he saw Elijah. That moment was in perfect focus. A little bundle, a swaddled little person in a bassinet. A nurse picked him up and handed him to Daniel, who took him, holding him close. Daniel didn’t remember how to breathe. He stared down into the face of his son, who squinted up at him, blinking. It was as though Elijah was trying to keep his sleepy eyes open, although the light was bright and it was difficult. Daniel was shocked by this and by the sense he had that this person, who had been a concept, was truly and completely present, right in his arms. All of Daniel’s worries melted away for a moment because this baby was a miracle. Their eyes locked on each other, and everything got very strange for Daniel for one pure moment. He felt as though he knew Elijah, and felt as though Elijah knew him. Love slammed into him, complete, unconditional love. Elijah made a snuffling kind of sound.

“Is he okay?” Daniel looked at the nurse, alarmed.

“He is.” The nurse smiled. “Seven pounds, six ounces. Congratulations, dad, you’ve got a healthy baby boy. Do you have a name picked out?”

“He’s Elijah,” said Daniel, looking back down at Elijah, who had closed his eyes. “Elijah John Rourke.” Daniel’s mother had been named Jeanne, and he guessed John was the closest male name to it.

Disjointed memories followed, of being given a crash course in newborn baby care. The flight back to Albuquerque. Coming home, where he had been living with his cousin’s family. That first night, when Elijah stayed awake more than he slept, and then the day, where he slept continuously, except for when he drank from his bottle. Everything had changed. Just like that.

* * *

Alma looked at Daniel, who was watching his little son sleep. She felt so much, she could barely keep her expression in check. She had imagined he had an ex wife or an ex girlfriend in the background. Instead, he had stepped up and done the right thing, and it was obvious to anyone who looked at him how deeply he loved Elijah. He was on his own, it was just the two of them. She couldn’t imagine it. She had thought about getting a kitten from the local animal shelter and had felt stressed before she had abandoned the idea: what if he got sick? Ran away? She had imagined herself sobbing, posting posters about the lost kitten everywhere and decided, no. It was too risky, being so vulnerable and loving someone so tiny and precious.