The Rules of Regret (27 page)

“
But I like not standing.
”
His eyes squinted along with his
smile.
“
I
prefer not standing, actually.
”

I
lifted my hand to his face and ran the pad of my finger over his cheek. It was
that in between stage where the scab wasn
’
t
quite a scab, but it wasn
’
t
a gaping, open wound, either. I pressed at it lightly and said,
“
I
’
m so sorry, Torin.
”

“
Don
’
t be. It wasn
’
t your fault. Lance had every right
to punch me. I pretty much stole his girlfriend.
”

“
But that
’
s not why he punched you. He didn
’
t even know that at the time.
”

“
Right, but I was fighting for you. It
doesn
’
t
matter what it was over exactly
—
just
that it was over you. I
’
d
be gutted for you if that
’
s
what it took to make sure you didn
’
t
slip back into your shell again, Darby.
”
I lifted up to place a kiss on his damaged cheek.
“
Plus, this is going to leave an
incredibly manly scar. In reality, I should probably even thank him for it.
”

Torin
propped up with his elbow, his fingers woven through his blond hair.
“
Lay on your back.
”

I
questioned him with a cocked eyebrow.

“
Just do it.
”

Obediently,
I rolled over onto my back.

Torin
left the bed for a moment, and when he returned, he was holding something
between his fingers.
“
Close
your eyes,
”
he instructed. Again, I did as he said, still playing along in the game of
Torin Says.

But
I wasn
’
t
at all expecting him to straddle me. That completely caught me off guard, in a
way that a car accident or a clap of thunder catches you off guard. My entire
body went rigid on me and my breathing matched my new posture. It was all
hyperventilate-y, the kind where you need the assistance of a paper bag to get
things back under control. That or you just need Torin saying,
“
Calm down,
”
because when he did, it was like he
had command over my synapses and my respiratory system. It slowed my mind and
my breathing to a somewhat consistent pace.

“
Keep your eyes closed. Sometimes it
’
s much easier to see with your eyes
closed. And I want you to see me
—
with
all of your senses.
”

I
held my eyelids together tight because if I didn
’
t use a significant amount of
pressure, they would flutter open and that would be embarrassing because they
really were very fluttery at the moment.

I
felt him first as his fingers swept my hair away from my collarbone. Then I
felt the goose bumps, thousands of them, that took the place where the hair
once rested. Next it was his breath that hovered over my skin as I assumed he
was looking at me. But I couldn
’
t
tell, I could only guess, could only read the cues that he chose to make known.

Torin
shimmied his weight on top of me a bit as he lifted up onto his knees. I felt
his hands
—
both
of them
—
bracketed
around my shoulders as they pressed into the mattress. His head drew closer to
mine. His mouth was at my ear. He left just one kiss there and pulled back up.

There
were several seconds of silence and my mind tried to fill it with hundreds of
different possibilities as to what he was doing. But he wasn
’
t really
doing
anything. Probably just thinking, and that felt more active
than any of his actual actions.

Breaking
into the silence, Torin drew in a quiet breath.

“
It called out in the distance,

the
caution silent, yet brilliantly illuminated.

The
pierce of blinding hope in the dark,

among
the turbulent ebb and flow of unstill waters.

Her
light was always on,

though
not all saw it.

The
storm cloud, the rain, the gale swept through.

But
they could not diminish what they tried to obscure.

She
was there.

Even
in the darkness, her light broke through.
”

My
eyes fell open, though I saw through clouded vision as the tears filtered in.
“
Who wrote that, Torin?
”
I looked up at him in awe.
“
It
’
s beautiful.
”

“
You.
”

I
gulped back my emotion, but it was too hard to do.
“
I did not write that.
”

“
You are my muse, Darby. You had every
bit as much responsibility in writing that as I did.
”

I
shook my head, unable to comprehend any of it, because it was so much. It didn
’
t make sense that he could see that
in me in such a short time. I never saw that in me.
“
Seriously, where did you come from?
”

“
I could ask the same of you,
”
he smiled, then picked up a pen that
he
’
d
placed on the sheets. He pulled off the cap with his teeth, and kept it there
as he hovered the tip of the pen just under my collarbone.
“
I don
’
t think it matters where either of us
came from,
”
he said around the cap still pinned between his teeth.
“
I think it just matters where we
’
re going. And I want to go wherever
that is with you.
”

“
Me too,
”
I said in a murmur that was almost inaudible.
The pen began to glide over my skin and Torin
’
s brows tightened while he pressed it
in and out as he wrote. I tried to keep my chest from rising and falling too
fast and impeding his ability to work, but there wasn
’
t much use in even trying. All of my
nerves
—
all
of my senses
—
were
focused around the pinprick of the tip of the pen on my flesh.

Torin
pulled back and replaced the cap.
“
My
Siren. My Lighthouse. My Muse.
”
He traced his finger over each word as he spoke.
“
You tempted me, you called me, you
inspired me,
”
he added, sliding back to my side on the bed. I rolled to face him and slipped
my arms around him.
“
Since
I'm getting this manly scar, I figured you could use a little ink.
”

I
pulled at his hair and drew his mouth to mine. The slower kissing from earlier
was apparently just a warm up lap, because this time we definitely picked up
speed. He didn
’
t
hold back and didn
’
t
ask permission again because I
’
d
already granted that, and truth be told, if he honestly wanted it, I
’
d give him an all-access pass.

Torin
’
s tongue parted my lips and stroked
into my mouth, trailing along mine, a back and forth of rhythm and
reciprocation. His finger ran over my collarbone, from shoulder to shoulder,
pausing in the shallow slope under my neck. He dipped his head and kissed
lightly there, then just above the fabric where my neckline fell.

I
let my hands wander over his chest, to his stomach and hips, feeling each
muscle under my fingertips, memorizing what his body was like against my skin.
I closed my eyes and he was right: I could see so much more of him, could sense
so much more, with them closed. I relied solely on touch to guide me and it
made me think maybe that was why it was human instinct to close your eyes when
you kissed. Maybe it was the brain giving the body permission to take over the
thinking. If that was the case, I really liked the things my body thought about
Torin
’
s.

“
I want you,
”
I breathed. Apparently Torin wasn
’
t the only one with the missing
sensor.

He
didn
’
t
really answer me with a legitimate word, but more of a raspy growl that I
understood the meaning of as clearly as any word in the English dictionary.
Torin sucked my lips into his mouth, twisted his hands in my hair, and
eliminated any gap that might have remained between our bodies as he pressed
his weight fully onto me. We were all hands and sweat and racing pulses that
frantically fought against our desire, keeping it at bay with just enough
control to make sure we didn
’
t
rush things. But I wanted to rush. I wanted to tear through those hesitations
full force.

Torin
stopped me.

“
Ugh,
”
he moaned against my lips and shook
his mouth free of mine. He tossed his head back and forth briskly.
“
We have to stop.
”

I
stopped, because just like all those other times he
’
d commanded me, the helpless tone in
his voice let me know this was the most important time to actually listen to
him.

“
I
’
m sorry, Darby, but we have to stop.
”

“
Okay.
”
My voice was hoarse.

He
whipped his head side to side.
“
Do
you have any idea how hard this is?
”

I
was really tempted to turn that last statement into a mildly-inappropriate
innuendo, but I bit my tongue, even though I wanted him to be the one biting
it.

“
Seriously, Darby. It
’
s like being given the winning
lottery ticket, but not being allowed to cash it in.
”
He smirked to himself, his green
eyes twinkling.
“
No
…
more like finding a pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow, but discovering it
’
s
fool
’
s
gold.
”

“
That
’
s not nice!
”
I punched him in the gut and all the
air held within him burst out in one forceful gush.

“
What?
”
His puppy dog eyes innocently
questioned me and those lips of his tipped up at the corners in a totally
enticing way that was all kinds of unfair given that he
’
d just put the kibosh on our make out
session.

“
Fool
’
s gold?
”
I widened my own eyes in disbelief.
“
That
’
s like saying I
’
m not the real deal, Torin. You
’
re comparing me to some major
disappointment.
”
The volume of my voice spiked.
“
I
’
d like to think I wouldn
’
t disappoint.
”

“
No,
”
he began, laughing lightly.
“
I
’
m sure you wouldn
’
t disappoint at all. I, however,
would be a
huge
disappointment if we
took things any further tonight. Like those rides at Disneyland that you
totally hype up in your mind, wait in line for an hour, and then what? It
’
s over in like 60-seconds and you
hardly realize it has even started before it
’
s finished.
”
He laughed again. I was really
starting to love the sound of that laugh.
“
I
do not want to be your monumentally disappointing ride.
”