The Rules of Survival (19 page)
Read The Rules of Survival Online
Authors: Nancy Werlin
But on the other hand, I really wanted it to work out.
As soon as the new custody arrangement was approved by the judge, we had a family meeting in Bobbie’s living room. The air was full of possibility. Callie and I sat on the sofa. You cuddled with Aunt Bobbie in the armchair and then fell asleep; you had had an exhausting, tantrum-y day. Meanwhile, Ben paced the room in a sort of in-charge way.
“Our first order of business,” Ben said, “is to move you guys out of here. The thing is, everything is pretty expensive these days. That’s one problem. Another is timing. Bobbie and I want you kids moved out before Nikki—well, you know. Also, what I’m finding is that there just aren’t a lot of apartments available. I’ve been trying to find a three-bedroom place, but—”
“We can manage with a two-bedroom,” Callie cut in eagerly. “It’s what we’re used to. The three of us can share one room again. We don’t mind.”
I minded. I suddenly realized that this was one part of my old life I definitely wanted to leave behind. “I can sleep on the living room sofa,” I said. “That would be fine with me. I’ll clear away my stuff during the day. That way, the girls can have a bedroom to themselves.”
Ben nodded at me. “Even two-bedrooms aren’t really available in Southie right now. Not decent ones. What I was getting at is that we’re going to have to move out of Southie.”
“It will mean changing schools,” Aunt Bobbie said. “You have to know that up front. But Emmy”—she bestowed a little kiss on your sleeping head—“is too little to have that matter. Actually, it’s probably good for her to have a fresh start. And you two—well, the schools aren’t so great here.”
Callie chewed a little on her lower lip. She was taking in the point about the better schools.
“Where?” I asked Ben.
“I saw a three-bedroom apartment in Arlington today,” Ben said. “It also has a living room, a kitchen, and a dining room. And two bathrooms. So, a bedroom for me, one for you, Matthew, and one for the girls.”
“Did you say two bathrooms?” Callie said.
“Yes.”
“Can we go see it?”
“Yes. Tomorrow morning. I gave them a deposit to hold it for a day.”
“Okay,” said Callie. “Good.” She glanced over at Aunt Bobbie’s computer, and I knew she’d be there shortly, looking up school test data for Arlington and comparing it to the data for Southie. She might not realize it, but she was already sold.
Huge doubt filled me, though. Southie was all I knew. Arlington—that wasn’t even part of Boston; it was out in the suburbs, at the whole other end of the subway line. There would be no more walks by the ocean whenever I wanted. Also, it would be harder to visit Murdoch.
But even as I had these thoughts, I also knew we had to go. A whole new start for you, Emmy. Also: two bathrooms. Three bedrooms.
And the thing that hadn’t been said: It was farther from Nikki.
Another thought occurred to me. “What about you?” I asked Aunt Bobbie. “Are you going to stay here when Nikki comes back? Or are you going to move, too?”
Aunt Bobbie’s mouth firmed into a straight, hard line. “I’m going nowhere. I own half of this house. She’ll leave before I do, I promise you that.”
“You’re not scared? Because she’ll be so angry at you.” As I said the words, I knew they were true. How could the rest of us run off to Arlington and leave Aunt Bobbie alone to face Nikki?
“I’ve known my sister a long time,” Aunt Bobbie said, which wasn’t an answer.
The idea just popped out of my mouth. “What if I stayed?” I twisted my head to look at Ben. “I could live with Aunt Bobbie, in her spare room. After all, Aunt Bobbie, you have shared custody. This way, Aunt Bobbie’s not alone here. We can keep an eye on each other. And then I would come out and see you guys on weekends in Arlington. I’ll still help with Emmy.”
Ben looked dubious, even alarmed.
“Hmm,” said Aunt Bobbie. Was that relief on her face? It was.
I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing for me to do, but if it would help Bobbie, I ought to do it, I thought. I wasn’t sure.
Then Callie grabbed her elbows and eyed me and said neutrally, “There’d be a bedroom for everyone.”
The adults had to think about it, Emmy. Callie and I both knew I was sticking her with the lion’s share of taking care of you, and like I said, you weren’t in an easy phase. But I promised Callie, privately, that if she found that she really needed me, I would come.
And so, in the end, though everybody was saying it was temporary, and “we’ll see how it goes,” and “you could move in later on, when the new school year starts in September,” I stayed with Bobbie. The week before Nikki was due to come home, you, Callie, and Ben moved into a solid-looking mid-rise brick building on Massachusetts Avenue in Arlington and I moved into Aunt Bobbie’s spare room.
41
MY OWN ROOM
My new room was directly underneath Nikki’s room in the upstairs apartment, and was the exact same size and shape, a rectangle with two tall windows. But the feeling couldn’t have been more different.
I remember vividly my first night in the room. I stayed awake on the futon just for the pleasure of being aware of where I was. Four walls around me. No one else but me there.
My room had previously been Aunt Bobbie’s home office. Aunt Bobbie had promised that we would work together to clear it out in the next few days. She had said I could paint the room any color I wanted, do anything to it I wanted. I thought about that for hours, planning my space. We had already gotten rid of my old twin bed from upstairs, which I had gotten too tall for. I would keep Aunt Bobbie’s futon to sleep on. I preferred it. In fact, I hoped never to squeeze into a twin bed again in my life.
Aunt Bobbie occasionally snored in the bedroom next door, and it was the most comforting sound I had ever heard. The thought drifted across my mind that I wouldn’t mind, someday, if I fell in love with a girl who snored. That it would mean peace to me.
42
THE ADULTS
A few days before Nikki was to be released from jail, Aunt Bobbie and I had a long, intense discussion about how to act when she got home. Nikki had been informed by the lawyer that you and Callie had moved in with Ben, and that I was with Aunt Bobbie. According to the new custody arrangement, Nikki would have monthly visitation rights for all three of us, but her rights weren’t extensive. Callie and I, for example, could refuse to see her anytime we chose. And Emmy, while you were considered too young to refuse, Nikki’s visits with you were to be supervised, either by Ben or by Bobbie. She was not supposed to be alone with you, ever.
We expected Nikki to be enraged. But would she explode immediately? Would her explosion be physical, verbal, or both? What would provoke her least—seeing us, or not seeing us?
It was strange to be debating this with Aunt Bobbie, because of course it was just the kind of debate I’d had with myself, or Callie, every day of my life. I knew there was no safe, clear answer—there had never been a way to predict Nikki—but it was good to have Aunt Bobbie on my side, discussing it.
Murdoch came by in his truck late that afternoon to get me. He had just come home.We headed to Arlington, so that he could see you and Callie and Ben, and your new apartment. Even though it was a Sunday, traffic was heavy, so it took us a while to get there. At first we were quiet. There were so many things I had wanted to talk to Murdoch about, but with him actually there, they suddenly seemed not to matter.
I settled into the passenger seat of his truck and felt myself relax.
“You’re all right, Matt?” he said to me eventually. His eyes were on the traffic. “Living with Bobbie? That wasn’t what I thought you’d do.”
“I wanted to.” I modeled my voice on his: calm, even, sure. “I really didn’t like the idea of Bobbie there alone. And she won’t leave, you know.”
“But you understand that,” Murdoch said. “That house is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, and Bobbie wants to protect her investment. She doesn’t trust Nikki to take care of it. She tells me that she’s wanted to sell it, but Nikki has never agreed.” He paused. “It’s good of you to want to protect Bobbie, Matt. I think it’s really a good idea, you being there with her right now.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.”
I was relieved. “I was afraid you’d think I belonged with the girls. I think that, myself. Emmy’s actually being a real pain these days.” I paused to see if Murdoch picked up on that, but he didn’t. I continued. “It won’t be simple, getting Emmy started at her new school. She’s supposed to go there tomorrow. She’ll probably tantrum or hit somebody or something.”
He was silent for a minute or two. Then he said, “But Bobbie is helping Ben, right? I think she’s even going to school with Emmy tomorrow.”
“Yes, that’s true,” I said.
“And I’m back now, too. So, that’s three adults around for Emmy. And for Callie, too.” He sounded very matter-of-fact. “Emmy needs time, but she’ll have it. And plenty of support.”
“Three adults,” I said. It was amazing to think of it. Three adults to help. Not just Callie and me alone anymore.
“Yes, that’s right. Look, Matt, it was a hard choice you made about where to live. Maybe it wasn’t entirely clear what the right thing to do was, because there were two right things.”
Murdoch had understood.
I said, “Thanks.” I cleared my throat. “So—I wanted to ask. How are you?”
“Okay,” Murdoch said. “Fine.” He maneuvered the truck into the right-hand lane of the highway and signaled for the exit ramp.
“Yeah?” I said.
“Yeah,” he repeated, and I didn’t dare—or maybe just didn’t want—to fish any more. It would be a long time before I would ask Murdoch directly about Julie, a long time before he told me what he really felt. What he said, instead, was, “I have a lot of work I need to catch up on.”
And we talked about that for a few minutes, and then about the new bedroom set that Aunt Bobbie had bought for you, Emmy—and you still love it, I think, though I have to say that it makes me nauseous. “Wait ’til you see it,” I told Murdoch. “All white with gold paint on the edges, and this pink canopy thing hanging over the bed. Pink curtains, too. And there’s this rug with roses all over it.”
Murdoch laughed. “Is she actually sleeping in there by herself? I thought she’d still want to be with Callie.”
“I guess she’s started out in her own room most nights. She loves the idea of it. But yeah, if she wakes up later on, she goes in with Callie.”
“Callie okay with that?”
“So far.” She didn’t have a choice, I thought.
We had reached Arlington, and I directed Murdoch to the apartment building. We took the elevator to the third floor, and the door to the apartment was hardly open before you were there, Emmy, throwing yourself at Murdoch. He caught you, and swung you into the air, then into his arms. And for the first time, I saw him smile. But all he said was, “Loosen up a little on my neck, Em, would you? I like breathing.”
Do you remember? Callie was hanging back a little at first, shy, but she was grinning, too, and she grabbed Murdoch’s free hand when he offered it. He hugged her to his side before letting go, and then he was shaking hands with Ben. But you stayed in his arms for quite a while, directing the tour. It comforted me to listen to you. It made me think that Murdoch was right, and you would settle down happily with a little more time to adjust.
“And this is our living room, and this is our kitchen, and that’s Ben’s room, and he has his own bathroom, and that’s Callie’s room, and that’s our bathroom—we have two sinks!—and here, this is my room. Everything is new! Isn’t it pretty?”
While Murdoch got the guided tour and commentary, I looked around the apartment myself, trying to see it as Murdoch would. It looked nicer now than when I had helped with the moving in and the initial unpacking. Then, it had seemed cold and almost too big, all white walls and bare windows. But now things had been put away in the bedrooms and kitchen, and Ben and Callie had hung some pictures, and curtains.
The living room actually looked cozy. Ben’s old ugly sofa had been covered with a deep red slipcover and some pillows. There was a big wooden rocking chair, too, and an oval rag rug. And a whole bunch of books had been unpacked into a little bookcase. I went closer. The bottom two shelves were devoted to Emmy’s books, while the two upper ones were crammed with medical textbooks. They belonged to Ben, I knew, but one of them was open on the floor next to the rocking chair. I stooped to read the battered spine.
Human Physiology: An Introduction
.
Human Physiology: An Introduction
.
You girls were still at the back of the apartment with Murdoch, but I felt Ben come up next to me. I nodded at him and indicated the book. “Callie reading that?”
“Yes. She keeps asking me questions. It’s a good thing. I’ll need to brush up, myself. Listen, Matt—did I tell you? I’m accepted for that nurse-practitioner program in the fall, like we hoped. I just got the letter yesterday.”
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