The Search (27 page)

On the drive back to Rose Hill Farm, Billy couldn’t find any good words to ease Bess’s sorrow. Several times he almost had the right thing. But always he stopped. He couldn’t bear it any longer. He turned the buggy down a side road and pulled the horse to a full stop. “Go ahead, Bess,” he said as he put his arms around her. “Cry it all out. I’m here. No one’s here to see. Have a good cry.”

And so she clung to him and wept and wept until he thought that her body would never stop shaking with the sobs and the grief. He didn’t think a body could have so many tears to cry, but maybe girls were made with more tear ducts. It was good, though, to have her finally show some emotion. It worried him to see her tearless. It just didn’t seem like Bess.

“It’s not that I’m crying for Mammi, Billy,” she said between sobs. “I know she’s in a better place. And she’s with Daadi now. I’m crying for me. What will I do without her?”

Finally, the wave of sorrow subsided and Bess’s sobs turned to sniffles. When he thought she seemed all wrung out, with not another tear left to shed, he wiped her face with his sleeve and took her home.

As soon as the house had emptied out that evening, Jonah went outside to get some fresh air. He checked that Frieda had water and alfalfa hay, then lingered in the barn for a while. He swept the floor of rose petals and knocked down a few spiderwebs. He just didn’t want to go inside. Sallie would be waiting for him and he couldn’t face her. He couldn’t deny that she had been a wonderful help these last few days. She seemed to know how to get things done in a matter-of-fact, efficient way.

But all he could think about was how much he wanted to be with Lainey. To talk to her about his mother. About Bess. About Simon. About everything. She had participated in every part of the viewing and the funeral, was accepted by the community as nearly one of them—he noticed that folks weren’t switching to English anymore when she came in a room. And he would be forever grateful for the support she had provided to his Bess.

But Lainey continued to avoid him. He couldn’t blame her at all, but he didn’t think he could abide much more of it.

Jonah hung up the broom and slid the door open to find Sallie walking toward the barn in the dusk. “Shall we walk awhile?” she asked him.

They headed down the drive to the road without saying a word to each other. The strange thing, he realized, was not that he wasn’t talking. It was that Sallie wasn’t talking. In fact, now that he thought about it, she hadn’t said much at all lately. She was as silent as a Sunday afternoon. Then, with a start, he realized why.

She knew.

“Sallie,” he started.

She held up a hand to stop him from continuing. “Tomorrow, Mose and I and the boys, we’re heading back to Ohio. School starts soon for my boys and I don’t want any trouble with that terrible truant officer. And Mose is awfully worried about the business.”

Jonah knew that wasn’t true. Mose didn’t worry about a thing. Sallie was only being kind.

“Sallie,” he started again.

She held up another hand. “I’m sorry, Jonah. I just don’t think things are going to work out for us. I need a man who . . .”

Who wants to be married to you? Who wants to be a father to your boys? Or maybe,
Jonah thought, cheeks burning,
who isn’t in love with someone else?

“. . . who isn’t quite as complicated.”

Jonah stopped short. A laugh burst out of him, the first laugh in a very long time. It surprised him, that laugh. He felt as if a tremendous burden had lifted. “You’re right, Sallie. You deserve someone who isn’t as complicated as me.” He
was
complicated. He spent fifteen years grieving, then finally fell in love with someone new—a woman who wasn’t even Amish. Not yet, anyway.

Sallie smiled at him then, a genuine smile. All was well. As they headed back to Rose Hill Farm, she started to tell him about something cute one of her boys had said today. And she didn’t stop talking all the way up the drive. Jonah found that he didn’t mind a bit.

______

At Billy and Maggie’s urging, Bess went to the youth gathering on Saturday evening, a few days after Mammi had been buried. She wasn’t in much of a mood for socializing—though her spirits had risen temporarily after Sallie left for Ohio and she learned that the wedding was off for good. Her father had seemed anxious to have her go out tonight. He said it would do her good to get out of the house. She couldn’t deny that she always enjoyed watching Billy play volleyball. He was such a good athlete. He had been so kind and attentive to her this last week. It made the upheaval of the last week more bearable. She still struggled with the reality of Mammi’s passing, and she missed her dearly. She kept repeating to herself Lainey’s reminder: her grandmother’s life was complete. This was God’s time to call Mammi home.

Bess sat on a rock in the shade by herself, content to be left alone, half paying attention to the game until it came to an abrupt halt. Billy held the ball in his hands, as if frozen. His eyes were glued on a buggy that had just pulled into the yard. Bess’s gaze shifted from Billy to the buggy. A clump of girls had arrived and spilled out of the buggy, one by one. The last girl climbed out, scanned the yard, then flashed a dazzling smile when her eyes rested on Billy. It was an awful, heart-stopping moment for Bess as she recognized Betsy Mast, looking fresh and lovely in a pink dress.

Billy dropped the ball and made his way over to Betsy. His back was to Bess and she couldn’t imagine what he was saying to her, but she could see Betsy’s face clearly. Betsy’s eyes sparkled as she laughed and joked with him. Bess’s heart sank.

Everyone at the youth gathering learned about Betsy’s return in record time, though what they heard bore little relation to the facts. Maggie said that the English boy had refused to marry Betsy and dumped her back at her parents’ farm. Andy heard that Betsy tired of the English life and wanted to return to her Amish roots. Someone else said that Betsy heard Billy Lapp had made clear his feelings for Bess at her grandmother’s funeral—and hightailed it back to stake her claim on him.

Bess spent the rest of the evening doing her very best to appear at ease, but she kept one eye on Billy and Betsy. At first, she noticed that Betsy was her usual flirtatious self, tilting her head, looking up at Billy from the corner of her eyes, playfully striking him in mock punishment for something he said. As the sun went down, they stood off by themselves. Betsy became serious, speaking to him insistently while he seemed to protest innocence. They both looked at Bess, and she guessed they were talking about her.

Was that good? she wondered.
Probably not.

Betsy could see that Billy’s mind was on other things. They were in his buggy after the youth gathering, parked by the shoreline of Blue Lake Pond. Andy had offered to take Maggie and Bess home, and he was grateful for it. Billy needed time to talk to Betsy alone. His mind was darting in a hundred different directions, like a moth to a flame. Betsy shifted a little closer to him on the buggy seat as she tried to explain again why she had left suddenly and why she had returned.

“What about that English fellow?” he asked her. He’d asked her twice before, but she kept changing the subject, turning it around to accuse him of flirting with Bess.

“You’re not going to listen to rumors, are you?” She sidled a little closer to him. “He just gave me a ride to see a friend.” She put a hand on his forearm. “I needed to see the other side, Billy. Just to see, before bending at the knee. You understand, don’t you?”

She batted her long eyelashes at him, and he knew he couldn’t stay mad for long. She really was a beautiful girl. He saw her familiar features as if for the first time, and he was enchanted again by her sparkling green eyes, her dainty nose, and the determined set of her jaw. Her mouth, he realized, did not quite fit the rest of her face: those lips were too full. It was a mouth made for kissing, and the thought that he might never kiss it again filled him with despair.

Maybe he could understand why she left, after all. Everybody had doubts. Wasn’t it better to work that all through before getting baptized? That was what the ministers had told him before he was baptized. Better to not take the vow than to take it and break it. “So are you planning, then, to join the church this fall?”

Betsy was looking up at Billy with her red lips in a big
O
of surprise. “Why do you ask, Billy?” Then she leaned up against him and put her lips on his and he felt his mind start to spin. Kissing Betsy always had that effect on him.

Later, after he dropped her at home and was driving the buggy back to his farm, he realized that she had answered his question with a question and given him no answer at all.

As soon as Bess had left with Billy and Maggie to go to the youth gathering, Jonah hurried to Lainey’s cottage. Yesterday, he had said goodbye to Sallie and her boys and Mose, and he wanted to be the one to tell Lainey the news of their departure, before Bess had a chance to tell her at church tomorrow. He found her in the backyard of her cottage, trying to turn sod over with a shovel.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

She looked up, surprised to see him, and wiped her forehead with her sleeve. “Making a space for a vegetable garden.” Then she turned her attention back to the sod.

It was hard work, what she was doing. But that wouldn’t stop Lainey, he realized as he watched her huff and puff. If she made up her mind to do something, she would see it through.

“Maybe I could help,” he offered.

She gave him a sideways glance. “No, thank you.” Her tone was crisp.

He came closer and put a hand on the shovel’s handle. “The place you’ve chosen gets too much afternoon shade. A vegetable garden needs at least six hours of sunlight a day.” He scanned the yard. “Over there, away from the cottage, would be better.”

She blew air out of her mouth, exasperated. “You’re right.”

She released her grip on the shovel and sat down on the porch steps. He set the shovel against the house and sat down next to her.

“I’ll dig the sod for you. This week. Right now, even.”

“I can get Billy to do it. You’ve got your . . . houseguests . . . to tend to.”

He glanced at her. “Lainey, she . . . they . . . they’re gone. Sallie and Mose and her boys . . . they went back to Ohio.” He dropped his cane, leaned back against his elbows, and stretched out his legs, crossing one ankle over the other. “Autumn is coming, and Sallie’s boys need to start school and Mose needs to tend the business. I need to stay here and see to my mother’s estate.” He lifted his head. “Sallie and I . . . we had a talk the other night. There isn’t any Understanding between us . . . not anymore.”

Lainey stared at her balled fists in her lap.

“It’s for the best,” Jonah continued, his voice steady and strong. “We have different . . . ideas of marriage. We want different . . .” We want different people, he wanted to say, but he didn’t finish the sentence. He glanced at her between sentences, wondering what she was thinking. Unlike Bess, whose every thought revealed itself on her face, Lainey was hard to read. She was cautious and careful about her feelings. He watched her intently, waiting for a response.

Lainey lifted her head and looked at the area Jonah had pointed out as a good spot for a vegetable garden. “Maybe . . . maybe that might be a better spot for the garden.”

“It’s important to start with the right spot,” Jonah added with a smile, not at all sure they were talking about a garden plot. He rose to his feet and reached for the shovel. “The right spot makes all the difference.”

He took off his jacket and threw it on the ground, then marked out the space for the garden before he began to dig. Lainey found a spade and worked alongside him, breaking up clumps of grass.

Jonah felt happy and whole for the first time in what felt like forever. The deep calm had been missing before, but not now. Not anymore.

Yesterday afternoon, Lainey had been stunned when Jonah told her that Cheerful Sallie had returned to Ohio. As he spoke, she kept thinking this was a moment when people pinch themselves in case they’re dreaming. She kept her hands in a tight ball and pinched the inside of her palms, just to make sure. And it hurt! she found, relieved.

He had dug up a patch of earth for her to make a garden and agreed to stay for dinner in lieu of payment, and soon everything slipped back to normal between them. He stayed after dinner and helped her with dishes, leaving only when he thought Bess might be due in from the gathering. She could tell he didn’t want to leave, and knowing that made her heart sing.

And today, Jonah said he wanted to go with her to the hospital to learn about all of the postoperative treatment that Simon’s convalescence would require. She was pretty sure Jonah must think she was crazy to take him in, but he didn’t say so. Instead, he helped her think through the details she would need for Simon, such as ordering a hospital bed. And then he listened endlessly as she described her plan to start a pie-baking business. She wouldn’t be able to work at the bakery anymore because she needed to be available for Simon. Mrs. Stroot crumbled when she had told her this morning that she was quitting the bakery. She crumbled even more when Lainey told her she planned to bake pies from her home.

“You’ll run me clean out of business!” Mrs. Stroot had wailed.

“I’d never do that to you, Mrs. Stroot! Never! How could I possibly hurt a person who has been so good to me? I thought I’d only make pies on days when the bakery is closed. I just need enough money to cover the mortgage.”

Mrs. Stroot shook her head and wiped her tears. She gave Lainey a satisfied smile. “I have a better idea. I’ll buy your pies and sell them here. Fifty-fifty.”

They shook on the arrangement, and Lainey had her first customer.

Lainey could hardly wait to tell Jonah about the conversation with Mrs. Stroot. He had barely lighted from the buggy when she rushed to meet him with her news. “She wants me to bake pies for her every week! She said I could vary the fillings by what’s in season. And we even talked about down the road. That’s what she called it. ‘If this works out, Lainey, down the road, we can think about adding your signature cinnamon rolls.’ ” She looked at him with her black eyebrows raised in delight above her wide blue eyes.

The brackets around Jonah’s mouth deepened ever so slightly, and his eyes tightened at the corners. Quietly he said, “Well then, perhaps we should see about getting you an oven.”

Her face fell. She hadn’t thought about such practicalities. It was so like her, to jump into a lake before she learned to swim. Her enthusiasm for her plans always did carry her away. Of course she would need an oven! And a refrigerator. And a stove top. Her kitchen was sparse, only a table and two chairs, provided by Bertha. “I’ll have to go to Lancaster for that.”

Jonah tilted his head. “Are you thinking you’ll use electricity? The cottage isn’t set up.” Then his gaze shifted beyond her.

She knew what was behind that question. She had planned to be baptized this fall, but that had to be postponed because of Simon. If she were baptized, she would have to shun Simon. She would wait.