The Secret Art of Forgiveness (36 page)

‘I have a job there. A life. At least, I have a fight on my hands. But you know me; I'll work damned hard to get it all back.'

‘And Brett? You're going to fight for him, too?'

All the jumbled jigsaw pieces of her life had started to fit together for her. She knew what she had to do. ‘I think I liked the idea of being in love with him. He is pretty perfect. For someone else. I know that now. I couldn't have had last night with you if I loved him.'
The way I do you.

It was a shock to realise that she was falling in love with Jacob Taylor. But hardly a surprise. How could she not love such a man? But she was in love with him here in Little Duxbury. Her life was in New York.

And her stepfather was lost. This was all tearing at her already completely shattered heart.

There was no perfect answer. No way she could see that would fix all of this. So falling in love with Jacob had been spectacularly stupid. Her cheeks blazed and her stomach knotted. She was letting go of Brett and saying goodbye to Jacob, because how else would she be able to live? She couldn't have half of her heart here and half of it in New York. ‘But I do have to go back.'

‘I see.' Jacob let go of her.

‘You always knew about my job. My life.'

‘I know. Like I said, I just can't keep away. Glutton for punishment.' He dredged up a smile and was just about to say something more when his phone rang. He snatched it out of his pocket. ‘Yes? Officer?'

He turned away from her a little so she couldn't see his face.

All the little pieces of her heart started beating at different times. ‘What is it?'

‘I see.' He sounded serious. Did he? Was he serious? Sad? Worried? Relieved? ‘Okay. Bye.'

‘The police, right? What? Oh, my God. What?'

When he turned round, she couldn't read his face. ‘They've found him.'

‘Oh.' Her legs finally giving way, she grabbed on to the wall. ‘Is he…?'

But Jacob was tugging her upright. ‘I'm not sure of the details, but we've got to go.'

***

It was well past take-off time by the time they were reunited with The Judge up at The Hall. They were all in the kitchen nursing cups of tea – Sally, Tamara, Matilda, Emily and Jacob – silently praying, silently hoping, when the doorbell rang.

There was a scramble to answer it, but Emily nudged out first, grateful to be out of Tamara's
I told you so
glare. She flung the door wide-open and he was standing there on the steps in his navy-blue pyjamas and saggy old dressing gown. His hair was as dishevelled and misshapen as ever and he needed a shave, but otherwise he looked unharmed. But, she knew, the damage was in his head not his body. He stretched his long, thin fingers to her face and traced them down her cheek. There was nothing but love in his eyes. ‘Monica? Monica. Hello, dear. What on earth's the matter?'

No. Not Monica.

Emily.
You knew it once. For one beautiful moment you knew me.

Her throat was raw at the sight of him, her cheeks wet where his fingers stroked. Trying not to startle him with too many hugs she gave him a gentle squeeze, once again breathing in his fatherly smell. They'd had such a precious chance and she'd almost blown it. She was angry, too, angry now at the disease that had made him like this, angry that she couldn't make him better, that he would only get worse. Angry that the closer she got to him, the harder it was to accept that his life was wasting, that he would never remember any of this. Or her. Not properly. He would only ever hark back to those difficult times, or before… And in time she wouldn't even exist to him at all. Ever.

It made everything seem so much more frail, ethereal, drifting out of reach, these moments of connection all the more precious. This was the most important thing, not work or the festival. This. Him. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving him again.

And she knew then how people could do this; how they could put their own dreams on hold and live a different life. How people could willingly juggle three generations' needs, sometimes four. How they could face devastating illness and loss and survive it, because they knew that what had come before was worth every piece of shattered heart.

They could do it because of love.

A mind-blowing, all-encompassing love that was hard-fought for. That made everything better.

And she made a decision, in that second. She would not do this again; she would not pack and repack and travel between two lives. She would not have two homes. She would not keep saying goodbye.

Because she could not leave him. She could not leave this place.

She managed to choke out, ‘Well, hello there. Where have you been? We were starting to get worried.'
Understatement of the year.

The police officer with him stepped forward. ‘On the six-eighteen to Paddington, ma'am. Apparently he had a trial to get to.'

‘A trial? A train? What on earth are we going to do with you? Come on in, you must be freezing.' She gave him another hug, holding him tight, unwilling to let him out of her sight ever again. Her heart might have been put back together but it would never be the same.

‘Are you okay? Is he okay? Dad? Dad? Where the heck have you been?' Tam pushed her way through and touched her father's face. Cupped his cheek in her palm. And Emily saw then what she hadn't realised or truly acknowledged. Tamara loved her father more than anything. Her strictness, her rules, her sadness were about a love that had changed irrevocably but went soul-deep. ‘I was so worried about you. I thought… I thought maybe we'd lost you.'

‘He's fine. He's fine. He's just a little confused. He went to work, apparently.' Emily took a chance at asking for forgiveness by squeezing Tam's arm. ‘He's safe, thank God. I promise never ever to do anything like that again. He's safe. He's safe, and I'm so very sorry.'

Tam's hand dropped from The Judge's cheek but she kept on looking at him. ‘I was so worried. So worried. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't do that ever again. Please.'

Em's throat was raw all over again. This was a side she'd never seen of Tamara and a promise he could never make. It was up to them now to make sure he never did that again. Up to her. ‘It's hard this love thing, right? It's hard to watch him change. I know. I know and I'm sorry. Honestly. I was stupid. It was unforgiveable. I'm sorry.'

‘I know you are.' Tam turned and held her gaze for a moment. ‘And we're going to have to get that bloody hair sorted out.'

Emily laughed and something between them shifted a little. Something softened. A shared worry. A shared grief. A shared commitment that would tie them together whatever else happened. They both loved The Judge; they just showed it in different ways. They both wanted to care for him – and they could. Somehow they'd work it out, rubbing along, probably getting under each other's skin. Probably a zillion arguments. But they'd work it out.

Emily could not describe the relief rushing through her, just that it made her feel woozy and happy and sad all at the same time. Plus, a little teary, and definitely in need of a stiff drink, from The Judge's secret stash. ‘Well, come on in, then, we've got the kettle on and I think Greta's got a custard tart somewhere.'

‘Excellent.' The Judge smiled his old, unworried, lovely smile. ‘I'm starving.'

***

‘You missed your plane.' Jacob looked up from the kitchen table. Everyone had gone off to their own lives. Tam would probably never forgive her for not checking the lock, but she'd at least given her a quick, tight hug as she'd left
.
Which was a start.

Matilda was painting out her anxiety in the annexe. The Judge was snoozing in the library, she knew, because she'd just checked on him.
Again.
It was hard even letting him go into another room. So it was just she and Jacob who were aimless now.

‘I imagine if you explain to the airline they'll help you get things sorted.'

She sat down next to him, nudging his bum across the worn wooden bench to make room. ‘About that…'

‘About what?' He was still hurt, she could see. He didn't try to touch her. Didn't try to make her feel better. Why should he? He was protecting his heart.

‘I've called the airline and postponed the flight.'

‘Oh.' He nodded; there was no emotion. ‘You're staying a bit longer?'

‘You could say that. Someone's got to stay here and do the festival wrap-up. Everyone's so busy as it is and there's people to thank and bills to be paid. I'm dying to know how much we raised, but it was a success, I can just feel it...' Yes, she was rabbiting on because she was scared to put herself on the line. Scared to make an offer. To take that leap into something that frightened the hell out of her.

His eyebrows rose. ‘What does Brett have to say about all this?'

‘He wasn't surprised.'

‘You've broken it off, then? For good?' He seemed uncertain. So unlike him.

She curled her fingers into his and let the rush of heat wash through her. Why was putting your heart on the line so damned difficult? But she had to. Here was a man she knew she could share her life with. Who she could be her true self with. Warts and all.

When she ran away she'd created a new Emily, a new person who did all the right things and achieved everything she thought she wanted. Except, it was just a mask, a tick-list of traits searching for meaning and connection. Coming back, she'd discovered herself again, the person she'd left behind, and Jacob had been the driving force in that. He was the one person she could show her true self to.

She took a deep breath and stepped into the unknown. It was as dizzying and scary and liberating as she thought it would be. ‘The thing is, Jacob, it's hard to be engaged to one man when you're in love with another.'

He blinked. Twice. And ran his free hand over his hair. ‘You love me?' He breathed out, hard. ‘Phew. Bloody good to know it's not one-sided, then.'

Her eyes narrowed. ‘But I thought you were never going to fall in love again.'

‘Aha. But I didn't factor you in, did I?'

Every single time she looked at him she felt a thrilling zing through to her core. It was early days, but there was something here she knew that could grow into something very special. Something life-changing. Something life-sharing.

He smiled. ‘Well, wow, and your life plan really took a detour, too.'

‘I threw the map away.' She climbed onto his lap and kissed him again. And again. And again, until she wasn't sure where she was, or who she was, only that she didn't want this feeling to stop.

Sloop. Sloop. Sloop.

‘Quick, put me down.' She laughed, still enjoying these flirty, tingling teenage feelings. Which was funny, because when she was a teenager she'd hated being one. She refastened her bra and pulled her top down. ‘The Judge is coming.'

Sure enough, his head poked around the door, his eyes bright. Clearly he was in a good place right now. Who knew when that would change? ‘Anything to eat? I'm –'

‘Starving!' Em chimed in. ‘Sure thing, Dad. I'll get on to it.'

Jacob joined her at the stove and stared woefully at her bolognaise sauce. ‘How can it look so… grey? You really don't know how to cook, do you?'

‘No. But he doesn't seem to mind. And I'm getting better every day.'

‘Don't dally, dear. I've got to get to work soon. Can't waste the day.' The Judge prepped his cutlery.

‘This is what you'll have to put up with,' she whispered to Jacob. ‘I mean, he can be very challenging at times. And I have to be hands-on… I want to be. He's going to get a lot worse and it's going to be hard. I know; I've read up about it. So there will be times when he has to come first. You need to know that.'

‘I get it. I was bringing him home before you set foot back here.' Jacob kissed the back of her neck. When The Judge wasn't looking.

‘And then there's Tamara and hippy-dippy Tilda to contend with. A roof to fix, and a zillion problems with this crumbling house. And somehow I'm going to have to get a job that fits in with it all. My life's hardly a fairy tale, you know.'

‘I do know. I want every part of you, Emily. Not just the perfect bits. In fact, they're the boring bits. I love the singing-on-a-stage you, the ladder-climbing you, the late-in-the-night you.' He kissed her again as she stirred the grey goop. ‘I love you right now.'

Then her phone started to ring and he had to put her down again. ‘It's Tamara. Probably checking in, or telling me off. Or giving me orders.'

‘Ignore it.'

‘You want to explain to Tamara why we ignored her call?'

‘No.' He grinned.

‘Coward.' As she was talking to Tam the doorbell chimed and in piled Sally and Liam, glued at the hip since the talent-quest night. Sally gave her a squeeze and whispered, ‘Hey! Just wanting to see if you're okay? Did you change your flights? When are you heading home?'

Emily looked at the chaos of her kitchen, trying to concentrate over Tam's raised commands and Sally's little squeals. The Judge was smiling at her over his cutlery. Jacob was winking at her as he made magic on the stove. And her heart swelled. Heading home?

I'm already here
, she thought.

I'm finally here.