The Secret Five and the Stunt Nun Legacy (12 page)

The others looked strangely at Daniel, who hadn’t ever openly voiced a desire to wear spectacles.

‘I said,’ he said, ‘I’d like to be a character that wears
spectacles. Wire framed ones. Varifocals, preferably. That’d be good. Ones with an anti-reflective coating.’

‘But,’ butted Amy, ‘you’ve got this far in the story without wearing glasses! Do you actually need them to see with?’

‘I don’t think so,’ Daniel said. He put down his drink and squinted at the others to see if that made any difference to his vision. It didn’t.

‘It’s only attention seeking if you ask me,’ mumbled Amy.

‘It’s not!’ said Daniel, glad of the attention. ‘It’s just that I’d like the opportunity to suck the curly end of the side bit that rests around the ear when I’m thinking hard about some difficult aspect of the adventure. I can also point the curly bit at someone when I’m making a valid point.’

‘Ah! Sounds reasonable to me,’ offered Uncle Quagmire. ‘If not a little late. Go ahead then, Daniel. Wear spectacles from here on. Now, where were we?’

Daniel sucked on the curly end of his spectacle arm and put on a ponderous look.

Whatshisname sighed. He was always on the lookout for an iconic moment in the history of The Secret Five, and that definitely wasn’t it.

‘I think you were talking about stopping a concession,’ said Amy, glancing at Daniel’s spectacles and wondering whether to request some for herself.

‘So, what is the plan, Uncle Quagmire?’ asked Daniel, proudly slipping on his spectacles and pushing them up the bridge of his nose. They felt
really
good.

‘Well,’ said Uncle Quagmire, ‘today is the day when Clarissa and Bartle meet and . . . and . . .’

‘Can I ask why do you keep doing that?’ asked Amy. ‘All that dot dot dot stuff?’

Uncle Quagmire smiled a knowing smile. ‘Oh how much you have to learn, strange child. It’s lit-speak for me being uncertain, not wanting to say the words, or a literary pause.’

‘Oh, gosh!’ Amy said. ‘How very interesting!’

‘As I was saying . . .’ Uncle Quagmire continued in a rather grown-up manner, ‘according to Sampson de Lylow’s autobiography
My Plan Is To Dominate The World
– which, incidentally, is ghost-written by himself – very soon is the time when his parents Clarissa and Bartle meet while they are touring a big castle not far from here. Then they have dinner, and later on the, erm, conception takes place, so the strategic and daring plan is to stop them from getting together in the first place.’

The children seemed utterly confused by it all, but Daniel managed to suggest something which sounded quite sensible. ‘Why don’t we just kidnap this Bartle fellow?’

Betty was keen to join in all the suggesting. ‘Or kidnap Clarissa?’

‘I don’t think kidnapping is a good idea, children,’ Uncle Quagmire said. ‘I think the besterest way is to keep them apart.’

‘Or kidnap both of them and keep them in the same room!’ said Amy, rather stupidly.

‘Woof woof woof,’ said Whatshisname wearily.

‘What about me?’ piped up Old Hag.

‘What about you?’ asked Daniel.

‘Can’t I suggest someone to kidnap?’ she said.

‘Oh, if you must,’ said Daniel bravely. ‘As you’re an honorary member of The Secret Five.’

‘Right,’ she said in her best old hag voice. ‘How about us kidnapping
you
, Quaggy? Ay? Ay?’

‘What? Kidnap me?’ exclaimed Uncle Quagmire, his jolly nose twitching quite uncontrollably. ‘I’ve already been kidnapped once in this adventure! Twice would be downright clumsy. Anyway, why me?’

‘Ha! Because
they
won’t be expecting it,’ Old Hag said. ‘Always surprise your enemy, that’s what they all said in the war. Do the unexpected. I’m old, you know.’

‘Look,’ said Uncle Quagmire. ‘No kidnapping, okay? Not
Clarissa, not Bartle. And especially not me! It would make the plot structure far too complifficult for everyone.’

‘What about the dog, then?’ cackled Old Hag. ‘Ha! She looks as if a bit of kidnapping might do her some good. Bostin’ idea, don’t you think? Ay?’

Everyone ignored her, except Whatshisname who whimpered and nuzzled up against Betty’s leg for comfort.

‘Right, enough of all this loose talk!’ said Uncle Quagmire, quite firmly for a man with tremendously thin knees. ‘Gather round again for my undeniably good propoggestion. I propoggest that now we go to the castle which, apparently, is not far from here, where some of us befriend Clarissa and some of us befriend Bartle, and we keep them apart at this critical time.’

‘Good plan!’ said Daniel.

‘Really good plan!’ said Betty, striving for originality.

‘Really
really
good plan,’ agreed Amy, inventively.

‘Woooof,’ said Whatshisname, who was now sitting with his ears pricked, which must have been painful but nothing compared to having his testicles whipped away without a by-your-leave.

‘Good!’ said Uncle Quagmire. ‘Let’s finish off our ginger cake, pay the bill, and go and explore!’

They all sat, quietly finishing off their ginger cake and trying desperately to think of some useful dialogue which would give value to the plot, which they couldn’t, so they didn’t. Then, after a long and heated discussion and an equally long and heated silence with the Austrian waitress about the forthcoming Euro currency and the lamentable failings of the Common Agricultural Policy, they strolled off purposefully in several directions.

‘Where are you going?’ called Uncle Quagmire from his direction.

‘This way,’ yelled Daniel from his direction.

‘I’m this way,’ yelled Amy from yet another direction. ‘And so is Betty.’

‘Ha!’ yelled Old Hag from her direction.

‘Woof woof woof,’ said Whatshisname in a muffled bark. He was sitting quite gloomily where they had left him with the bill in his mouth and the waitress standing over him with her hand outstretched, waiting to be paid.

‘Come this way, everyone,’ called Amy. ‘Here there’s a sign that says
To The Castle.
’

‘Good idea,’ said Betty. ‘Amy’s not often wrong about such things.’

They all started to walk in Amy’s chosen direction. The sun shone all the while but it was now very, very cloudy so they couldn’t see it shining at all. They continued on their way, chatting and laughing, but not usually at the same time. They walked and walked until the castle came looming into view. To be fair, it had always been in view, as the café in the outdoor square was right alongside the castle, so it had actually been very secretly and quietly looming all the time.

They all stopped all the walking and walking to look up at the quietly looming castle. ‘Gosh! This is a
real
castle!’ said Daniel excitedly, yet with a hint of desolation. ‘It’s nothing like his pathetic pretend castle back in chapter seven, is it? How that one got into the story I’ll never know. This one’s got those corbels and bastions and bulwarks and segmental ramps and hard sticky-up things at the top! Gosh again!’

They all followed Daniel up to the castle walls, but found that they could walk no further without actually going inside.

‘Let’s go inside,’ Daniel suggested. ‘But here’s a secret suggestion. What about leaving Old Hag out here to keep watch.’

‘Good idea!’ said Betty.

‘What?’ Old Hag cackled. ‘Stay outside and miss all the inside fun? Ha! You must be joking. I want to witness your missionary zeal!’

‘Actually,’ said Uncle Quagmire, quite sternly. ‘It
is
a jolly good idea. Old Hag, stay here with the faithful dog Whatshisname and keep watch.’

‘Why me?’ said Old Hag.

‘Woof?’ said Whatshisname.

‘What for?’ Old Hag asked.

‘Woof woof?’ said Whatshisname.

‘I’m not staying here with this blasted mongrel!’ said Old Hag.

‘Woof woof woof!!!’ said Whatshisname.

‘She stinks of creosote and pineapple,’ said Old Hag.

‘Woof woof woof woof woof WOOF!’ said Whatshisname.

‘Yes, yow do!’ said Old Hag to Whatshisname. ‘Dow yow argue! Look, the shock ’as med moy goo back ter me dialect now!’

‘Woof woof?’ said Whatshisname. ‘Woof woof woof woooooof?’

‘It dow not!’ Old Hag snapped at Whatshisname. ‘It ay loike that, yow mungrel! Be noice ter moy!’

‘No, Old Hag!’ pleaded Betty. ‘
Anything
but the dialect! Please! Look, what if you stay here alone and Whatshisname comes with us?’

Whatshisname looked relieved at the latest and most sensible suggestion, and wagged his tail quite quickly from side to side and back again.

‘So warramoy s’posed ter do ear?’ asked Old Hag.

‘For a start, do as Betty says and please
please
drop the dialect,’ said Daniel. ‘And in answer to your question, you can keep watch.’

‘What for?’ asked Old Hag.

‘For . . .’ began Daniel, ‘well, for things that might ruin our adventure, that’s what for.’

‘Such as?’ asked Old Hag.

‘I don’t know, do I?’ said Daniel, looking to the others for support.

‘If you’re in our secret club,’ said Betty quite helpfully, ‘then you should do whatever needs to be done in the name of adventure, and watching for something that might ruin our adventure is an essential part of every adventure. It’s our calling, see?’

The children murmured several quiet yet meaningful murmurs in agreement. Old Hag looked even more bewildered than usual,
worried that her privilegeless membership of the club was at risk. She slumped down on a handy wall, ideal for slumping on.

‘Oh, all right,’ she murmured sullenly. ‘But I’d have thought we’d have a meeting before making these decisions. Some democracy this has turned out to be. Ha! and pa! I gorra royt cob on now!
²
’

‘Okay!’ said Uncle Quagmire, ignoring the sullen murmurs and the right cobs. ‘That’s decided. Let’s go inside and find out about the tours.’

And so they trooped into the castle, leaving Old Hag slumped forlornly on the wall murmuring to herself in her Black Country dialect and struggling to understand a word of it. But little did the children know that Old Hag was secretly hatching a secret plan that would threaten their great big adventure! Notably, she had recently abandoned both of her other pathetic smaller plans in favour of this one big threatening new plan! In fact, understandably, she was now becoming so confused about which plan she was supposed to be secretly hatching that she wished she had invested in a Personal Digital Assistant with two gigabytes of random access memory and a wireless interface, or the services of a part time secretary named Joanne, preferably without an interface, wireless or not, but with some degree of accessible memory.

This planning was downright complicated. It wasn’t so much about working with the germ of an idea, and by golly Old Hag had more than enough germs, it was the implementation that mattered. She knew that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it windsurf. All she needed now was a horse and a sturdy surfboard, just in case her theory proved to be wrong.

Ha! Those children, if that’s what they really were, wouldn’t know what had hit them!

In which we meet a badly-researched 1964 Austrian man; The Secret Five benefit from their close-surveillance training; Betty has an idea; Amy doesn’t ; our pals find themselves in a predicament; Daniel can’t hack it and should never have been in the story in the first place; the kangaroo enjoys the experience of a hop-on role.

The three children, closely followed by Whatshisname and Uncle Quagmire, made their way inside the big castle which, they noted with some surprise, seemed as big on the inside as it was on the outside. They reached a big door with really big knobs on and a small notice written in Austrian.

‘Blow!’ said Betty. ‘It’s in Austrian!’

‘Gosh!’ said Amy. ‘I never thought there were other languages in the world besides English and Latin.’

‘Nor did I,’ said Daniel, peering through his spectacles at the notice. ‘How very strange!’

Just then, they heard a man’s voice behind them, slightly to the left. ‘Can I help you three childs?’ it said in a kind of English. ‘Although I am Austrian by nature, I speak all sorts of languages quite fluidly and I am willing to help you in your cosy wosy little adventure, as you’re the world-famous Secret Five whose fame goes before you and a little to the side.’

They all turned to see a middle-aged man dressed in whatever clothes a Salzburg man wore in 1964.

‘That’s good!’ said Amy. ‘I didn’t know we were
that
famous.’

‘Oh,
everyone
knows about you,’ the man said, waving his Austrian arm around him to indicate everyone. ‘Everyone,’ he repeated for dramatic effect. ‘Even across borders and in another
time.’ He nodded in the direction of Uncle Quagmire. ‘And we all know deeply about your Uncle Quagmire as well. And the kangaroo, of course. Lovely. But enough of this tiresome bantam. How may I be of some helpful?’

‘Well,’ Daniel said, feeling quite faint from all the sudden fame, ‘we’re actually on an adventure and need to join a tour so that . . . oops!’

Phew! Daniel stopped himself from revealing their very secret mission just in time!

‘What Daniel was about to say,’ said Amy, ‘was that we need to join a tour so that we can stop a con . . .’ Golly! Amy stopped herself from talking just in time!

‘Woof woo . . .’ said Whatshisname, happily joining in all the truncation.

‘What Daniel was about to say,’ said Betty, ‘was that we need to join a tour so that we can stop a conception taking place and save the w . . .’

‘Erm, don’t listen to them,’ Uncle Quagmire interrupted in a rather grown up way for someone with no tonsils. ‘It’s just an adventure they’re on, that’s all, and they are really stupid children beneath their sophisticated veneer. Have fun with them, won’t you.’ And with that, Uncle Quagmire stalked off, leaving the children to sort out all this mess by themselves.

‘Well, childs, it seems that you might need help to get on top of your secret missionary, and you have come to the right Austrian for such helpfulness,’ said the right helpful Austrian. ‘I will helpfully help you, but lonely if I can join The Secret Five.’ He leaned towards Daniel. ‘Nice spectaculars!’ he whispered.