The Secret Five and the Stunt Nun Legacy (30 page)

‘Woof woof woof!!!’ said Whatshisname.

‘So you two children are going to have to stay here until the Squire’s fire is quenchinguished,’ said Uncle Quagmire. ‘I will stay for a while, just to experience the Victorian way of life for a moment or two, and to be on hand for any sudden reversal in fortunes or the unexpected appearance of comely maids or Eccles Cakes.’

‘Yes,’ said Bertie. ‘I’d really prefer it if you could all stay, as I have become quite attached to you.’ He wandered over and stood by Betty. ‘Especially you, Betty.’ He lowered his voice a little. ‘I was wondering if you would consider assisting me in my quest for a joyful adolescence.’

Betty looked shocked at his little lowered voice, and really quite embarrassed! She didn’t know what to say!

‘Really!’ she said. ‘I don’t know what to say. Except . . .
you men are all the same! Leave me alone and if you dare mention my ample bosom I promise I will tear your testicles off with my bare teeth!
’

Bertie stepped back, quite alarmed! He glared at his feet a bit, then stamped off up the stairs. Daniel looked aghast, and began to blink a lot with his eyelids. Betty seemed to be even more embarrassed by her own sudden outburst, which went against all
the formal Secret Five etiquette training. There was a long silence in the scullery as everyone looked at each other’s feet, waiting for someone to say something of importance.

Whatshisname had reacted badly at the mention of tearing testicles off with bare teeth. He had tried to wipe the tears from his eyes with his paw without much success, but he decided that he would be the one to break the embarrassed silence. Good old reliable Whatshisname! ‘Woof woof woof?’ he said.

Everyone looked quite relieved. Mrs Wells seemed a little concerned about her son. ‘Why don’t you two children go and console young Bertie. He will, I surmise, be up in the Butler’s bedroom. The Butler is away on an intensive Victorian Butlering Self-Improvement, Butler’s Body Language and Presentation Skills course, so Bertie uses that room in which to mope, sulk, meditate, and play with himself. Now, Uncle Quagmire, if you please, you stay and help me unknot these pig’s giblets.’

Betty and Daniel, with Whatshisname trotting behind them, made their way up the stairs. ‘This is so exciting,’ said Daniel as they found their way along a short, yet surprisingly long, moderately gloomy corridor. ‘I’ve never been in a butler’s bedroom before.’

‘I’m glad to hear that, Daniel,’ said Betty. As they walked down the corridor, it was becoming gloomier and gloomier.

‘This all feels quite familiar,’ said Daniel. ‘Very strange indeed.’

Betty suddenly stopped and glared at Daniel. Whatshisname sat down at her feet and looked up at her. ‘I told you, Daniel, didn’t I?’ Betty said. ‘It’s all about re-using locations, so stop pointing these things out! You’re ruining the story.’ She turned on her very own heels and hurried away down the moderately gloomy corridor. Whatshisname got up and pattered after her, followed by a rather glum Daniel.

‘Look!’ she called, having stopped by a door. ‘It says
Butler’s Bedroom
.’

Daniel sauntered up and stood by her side. ‘But isn’t this the room where . . .’

‘Stop spoiling it!’ scolded Betty. ‘There’s people out there who . . .’

‘But . . .’ began Daniel.

‘And stop beginning!’ said Betty. ‘Nothing you can begin to say will be of any importance! Let’s go inside and talk to Bertie.’

‘But Betty,’ said Daniel, ‘if we were in this very room in this very house in the twenty-first century, it means it didn’t burn down at all!’

‘I told you . . .’ Betty began to say as she reached for the doorknob.

‘Now
you’re
beginning,’ observed Daniel, frowning.

Betty turned to face Daniel and his frown. ‘Er . . . say all that again,’ she said, her own brow wrinkling into what could only be described as a rather big matching frown.

Daniel’s expression quickly went from slightly intelligent to very confused. He really felt like sucking the end of the curly bit of his spectacles, but didn’t. ‘I think I said,’ he said, ‘that if we were in
this
room in
this
house in the twenty-first century, it means . . . erm . . . that . . . erm, it didn’t burn down after all?’

Betty stared at Daniel. She then stared at the door. ‘So . . .’ she began hesitantly.

Whatshisname looked up at her, wide-eyed, waiting for the elusive moment when some sort of realisation would emerge.

‘So . . .’ she began again.

Daniel shrugged. He had lost it now. ‘Don’t ask me,’ he said. ‘I’ve no idea what I meant.’

Whatshisname slumped down onto the floor. He decided to wait while they thought it through. Epiphanies were hard to come by these days, so he might as well make himself comfortable for a few sticks.

‘So . . .’ Daniel began.

‘Yes, so . . .’ Betty said.

They stood there for quite a while, until Daniel’s frown disappeared behind his ears. ‘Yes!’ he said. ‘If this room and this house are still the same room and house, then . . . then . . .’

‘Yes?’ urged Betty.

Whatshisname yawned and passed a thimbleful of noxious hell-gas.

‘Then,’ said Daniel, ‘the house didn’t burn down!’

Whatshisname sighed and looked up at them.

Betty looked at Daniel, and her own big frown also disappeared behind her own ears. ‘Then we can go home? And does this mean that Sampson isn’t threatening the world now?’

Daniel had lost it again. ‘I don’t know,’ he moaned. ‘Why can’t we be given some degree of intelligence? Is it too much to ask?’

Whatshisname sighed yet again and settled his head down.

‘I think this door is the very same door!’ said Betty, studying the very same door. ‘So that means . . . that means that there was no fire!’

Daniel’s face lit up, which was quite a good trick but not advisable under the circumstances. ‘So the Squire didn’t emigrate!’ he said. ‘So Bartle and Clarissa didn’t do the conception thing! And Sampson doesn’t exist! We can go home then! We’ve done it! We’ve saved the world!’

Betty nodded her head fairly slowly. ‘I think so.’

‘And what is more important is that I thought of it first!’ Daniel said. ‘It’s all quite exciting and will look absolutely brilliant on my CV, should I ever want to join our competitors.’

‘Saving the world wasn’t much of an effort, it must be said,’ said Betty. ‘We didn’t exactly have to outwit a gang of ruffians after getting tied up and left to rot in a dirty barn until rescued by our faithful dog, did we?’

‘Woof woof woof?’ Whatshisname said.

‘But we can go home now?’ asked Daniel.

‘I suppose so,’ Betty said, frowning ever so slightly. ‘But only
after the celebration meal. It would be quite rude to miss that, wouldn’t it, as all historical epics need one. And we do have to sort out some Brussels sprouts and a portal and the digital clock. And we had better see if Bertie is all right. I feel awful about not giving him a hand with his quest for a joyful adolescence.’

Daniel opened his mouth to say something when the Butler’s Bedroom door opened a little, and there was Bertie’s peering face!

‘I thought it was you,’ his peering face said. ‘I could sense all the frowning and I could smell the heady aroma of creosote and pineapple.’ He looked sheepishly at Betty. ‘Can I apologise for my forwardness in a moment of sheer madness down in the scullery. It was merely the crystallisation of all my unbearable mounting puberty. And I was touched by your countenance, the sheer unadulterated beauty of your lips half-open and almost misty in their pallid quivering, and your eyes full of futurity, and of course your ample bosoms which compel an unendurable excitement . . .’

‘Er,
hello
!’ interrupted Daniel. ‘Could we talk about something else, please? What
is
the matter with everyone? What have the standards and principles of The Secret Five come to?’

‘Sorry, Daniel,’ said Bertie, opening the door wide. ‘I am being quite feeble. Come on in. But did you like my turn of phrase? Not bad for a Victorian middle-class child, eh? Do you think I would make an author? That is what I would like to be, I think. Perhaps I should apply for the position of the Founding Father of Science Fiction. It would be much more exciting than silly old drapery.’

Daniel, understandably, was unsure of what exactly an author did, apart from forcing people to do things they didn’t want to do, and silly old drapery sounded a little odd for a boy’s hobby, but he nodded his head in agreement as it was much easier than shaking it.

‘I think we are supposed to take you to the Dining Room for the banquet,’ said Betty as they stepped into the bedroom. ‘But we have just made a discovery that means . . .’ She stopped, unsure if she should share their discovery.

Bertie frowned quite a good frown, a result of several recent hours of practice, but not quite up to Secret Five standard, as his whole face all the way down to his chin seemed to get puckered. Betty and Daniel decided that they would never frown again if that’s what it looked like, and as a result they thought that they could hear distant cheering.

‘You can tell me,’ Bertie said. ‘I’m a member, remember? You share your exciting discovery with me and I’ll share mine with you. Oh, by the way, forgive the rather strange lighting in here, and excuse the blatant foreshadowing, but the Squire is experimenting with these new Paraffin Lamps.’

‘Gosh!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘They look quite dangerous.’

‘Yes,’ agreed Betty, sighing.

Meanwhile, Whatshisname, without a by-your-leave, had sneaked into the Butler’s Bedroom. He sniffed around the room. It was slightly unnerving for him to pick up his own scent four hundred million sticks in the future, and then he began to ponder deeply on whether it was a sign that was meant to point him in the direction of the true meaning of canine life, or whether it was just a sign that he needed a jolly good bath. Either way, he knew deep down that this moment was merely a blip in the course of the cosmos. He’d wondered lately about such things – creation, dualism, reincarnation, distemper. Indeed, he suspected that he was a re-embodiment of the respected thinker Zenan of Athens, as he embraced the same ancient philosophy that apathy is the way to happiness, and that mental and transcendental tranquillity is only achieved through the joyful celebration of utter mediocrity. Utter mediocrity, if worked at, is the ultimate accomplishment, he knew that, of course. He had also pondered hard on the theories of the creation of the universe, going right back to The Big Woof, which always brought him back to the same big question – why on Earth did he have these never-ending bouts of flatulence? There it goes again! Oops! He tried his very best to look blameless as he sank down onto the carpet and closed his eyes.

Bertie, meanwhile, was becoming enthralled at the children’s story of time travel. He asked them all sorts of questions about the twentieth century, most of which they couldn’t answer. ‘So, have men landed on the moon?’ he asked, wrinkling his nose and glancing at Whatshisname as the transcendental fragrance wafted over him.

‘We think so,’ said Betty uncertainly. ‘It’s not something we are supposed to know, really, but we think they did.’

‘I think they landed in some kind of contraption,’ said Daniel. ‘I sneaked a look at a picture of it in a magazine. It looked jolly well like a sort of round and metal thing. I think.’

‘And is there social chaos?’ Bertie asked as he scribbled something in his note book.

Betty and Daniel looked at each other and shrugged. ‘We don’t really know,’ said Daniel.

‘I did hear someone on the radio,’ said Betty helpfully, ‘talking about social chaos, so maybe there is and we don’t know it.’

‘I do not know what
ray-dio
means, or even how to spell it, obviously, but I will assume that there is plenty of social chaos,’ said Bertie quite firmly. He scribbled something else in his Victorian notebook.

Just then, thank goodness, they were interrupted by Mrs Wells calling to them. ‘Weird time-travelling children and their ugly fat dog,’ she called. ‘The guests have arrived. Come along and eat before infant mortality strikes. Your watercress and pig’s trotter soup will be congealing.’

‘We had all better go to the Dining Room,’ said Bertie. ‘I fear that her guests might become rather agitated if we are late. If my estimates are correct, we will need to pass through a chapter break to reach there. This is so exciting! My first chapter break! I must make a note of how it goes!’

In which Whatshisname meets a new friend; we meet another Mrs Wells, no relation; yes, it is very confusing; we learn about the Canine Alphabet; invasive medical procedures are mentioned; is this chapter far too long? probably, so pour that glass of wine before you start; Betty accidentally slaughters several other characters.

To be honest, young Bertie Wells was quite disappointed with the chapter break experience. He expected something more of a literary epiphany, of which a chapter break fell far short. He knew he could do better, and no doubt would.

Daniel and Betty followed Bertie into the Dining Room. ‘Gosh!’ exclaimed Betty excitedly. ‘I can see why it has capital letters now!’ Daniel was also quite excited but couldn’t be bothered to exclaim. He looked at the large round mahogany table, the impressive marble fireplace and the stuffed black poodle sitting upright on the hearth. He watched as Whatshisname trotted gingerly over to the poodle and sniffed around it.

The poodle had an indescribable taint of death about it, which reminded Whatshisname of Victor Hugo’s intensely fresh writing in which he suggested that
nous sommes tous condamnés à mort avec des sursis indéfinis
, although, to be fair, Whatshisname did initially mistake the indescribable taint for lavender mothballs. He sat down and looked the poodle straight in the eyes. In an effort to establish himself as the dominant member of the pack, he drew himself to his full width and said, ‘Woof woof woof!’ rather firmly. The black poodle didn’t move a muscle, a sign that either Whatshisname’s dominance had been quickly and overwhelmingly established, or the poodle’s muscles had been unceremoniously
ripped from its body and replaced with Victorian cotton wool soaked in black treacle.