The Secret Keeping (16 page)

“Don’t! Don’t do that to me.”

“Helaine, I have to catch my plane soon. If I don’t then they’ll say I’m a flight risk. I’ll be living in the LA county jail if that happens.”

(Where you belong.)

“Helaine? Helaine, we’ll talk about this when I get back.”

Silence.

“Please…I can’t do this now, Helaine. When I get back, we’ll fix it.”

“Sharon…”

“I’ve got to go. Everything will be fine. I’ll call you from LA.” (click)

“Sharon?”

_____

There was no end in sight to the scandal. No word from Sharon in LA.

_____

“She’s a contagion. They should quarantine her.”

Neither Helaine nor Kay disagreed. They glanced at each other and back to Robert.

“I still have the floor?” They usually stopped him from venturing too far with this subject. “Okay…you should give her the boot and send her walking down some other Joe’s runway. They say she owns a place in LA County.” He raised his eyebrows skeptically. “Did you know that, Helaine?”

No she did not. “Is that right?”

“Robert.” Kay was ready to intercept but Helaine urged him to continue.

“Go on. Where else?”

“It’s not clear. They’ll find out though. It all comes out.”

Helaine was visibly disturbed at this idea. “Let’s hope not,” she said.

Kay and Robert looked identically concerned.

“What’s she worth?” Robert asked. “Do you know?”

Helaine shrugged. “She’s a spendthrift and she’s always got legal problems. I wouldn’t know.”

“And she’s probably got a house and a lover in every port, like a good little sailor.” He watched his friend’s face but there was no reaction.

“A place in LA,” Helaine murmured. “I should have guessed it. I really need my head examined, see if everything’s working all right.”

Robert was surprised by her declaration. “Helaine, I swear you look radiant tonight,” he said. “How can that be amidst all this nonsense?”

“She’s in love,” Kay blurted.

Helaine laughed.

“Don’t laugh. I’d recognize that look anywhere. You’re in love.”

“No more Sharon?” Robert asked.

“Wait a minute. I think we’re ahead of ourselves a bit. I merely suggested that I need my head examined.

Now I’m in love?”

“You need a professional,” Kay teased.

Mmmmm. She heard her pulse in her ears. “Who do you recommend?”

Robert was catching on. “Someone you don’t know.”

“A perfect stranger?” Helaine pressed.

“Know any?” asked Robert.

She did.

“Why not a perfect stranger?” Kay answered. “Everybody does it.”

“Cheat, you mean?”

They fell quiet.

“Guys?”

“Well, how could it be cheating?” Robert asked. “Don’t you read the papers? Could there be anyone who hasn’t heard about this crap?”

“Robert’s right. Who could blame you?”

“Sharon.”

“You’re kidding!”

“No, I’m not. She’ll never let me go.”

“Have you even asked?”

Helaine fidgeted in her chair. “Yes.”

“Is that it? Is that why you’re still with her?”

“She wants to work it out she says. You know, I’m uncomfortable spilling my guts like this.”

“Yeah, but Sharon’s not. Your guts anyway,” Robert added.

“What am I saying? I have no guts.”

“Helaine! Don’t say that.”

“You’ve got guts all right, but their filled with a worm. One that stretches from here to California.”

“Okay, Robert. That’s enough. Let ’em spill, Helaine.”

“There’s nothing to spill, believe me.”

Robert snorted impatiently. Kay nudged his arm with her elbow.

“Then how’s sex?”

“Rough, Kay, I hate it.”

Robert fell silent.

“Helaine? You owe it to yourself then. There’s nothing to work out.”

“Kay…I know.”

“And what about the other person? Do they know how you feel?”

“I never said there was another person.”

“But there is, I can see it. They don’t know?”

Helaine chuckled low. “Kay…” She couldn’t finish it.

Robert grinned.

“Go on,” Kay urged.

“They…umm…they don’t know. No…I don’t think so. I am in no position for them to know. How I feel, I mean. You know?”

They laughed out loud.

“Boy, I’d never want to see you on a witness stand. You’d ruin yourself,” Robert said with relief. “You are in love, Helaine Kristenson? Yes or no, please.”

“I don’t know how it happened.”

“There you go again. Your witness, Kay. She’s in love. With whom, we don’t know, except that it is no longer Sharon.”

“That’s all there is, I’m telling you. That’s all,” Helaine repeated.

“I’m assuming they feel the same way when I ask, do they know about Sharon?”

“You’re good, Kay. I can only guess that they feel the same way. We do not speak. No, they don’t know about Sharon. She hasn’t even heard of her.” She regretted that last bit of information.

“Your witness, Robert.”

“No, no. You’re doing much better than you think.”

“I don’t know why you can’t trust your old friends–”

“No, it’s not that, Kay. I’m forty now. It’s not the same. There’s no guarantee the woman would…uhh…she’s straight anyway.”

“So you’ll stay with Sharon instead of taking a chance. Besides, straight?” Kay rolled her eyes. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Dr. Kristenson is afraid of looking like a hypocrite I think,” Robert offered.

“That is true. I admit it.”

“So Sharon says she wants to work it out–which is absolute bullshit you know–and you have no say?”

Robert asked. “I don’t understand this.”

“It’s complicated. I can’t explain it.”

He didn’t like the sounds of that.

Neither did his wife. “What are you afraid of?” Kay asked.

Afraid? Yes, afraid. Of everything. “I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to be alone.”

“Right,” Robert muttered, “that would be so different than now.”

“How long?” Kay asked.

“Sorry?”

“How long have you been in love with her?”

Helaine smiled. She was tired.

“Your witness, counselor.”

Robert took over. “Let me get this right. You’re in love with someone who doesn’t talk…neither of you have spoken to each other…Sharon knows?”

“No.”

“Hmmm.” He shifted in his chair. “Would there be something if Sharon would relinquish the throne?”

“I think so, but she won’t.”

“Helaine, I can’t stand it! Who is this person?” Kay was frantic.

Helaine held up her hand. “It’s a mistake I made…with a little help. But it’s impossible now. Sharon insists on working it out.”

“You don’t owe her that.”

She sighed. “I can’t do both.”

“So you tried to tell her it was over. That’s when she said all this?” Robert asked.

“Yes, before she returned to LA. My little flight risk.”

“Look, I can tell you right now she’s going to be tied up with that matter for quite some time. She could even get time. She’s in no bargaining position, Helaine. Let her go, don’t even discuss it. She’s defending a criminal record now.”

“What does it make me if I do that?”

“An honorable woman throwing in the towel. Give someone else a chance.”

“But it won’t look that way, Robert.”

“Who cares?”

“She does,” Kay interrupted. “Helaine, this woman…not like Ms. Chambers?”

“Not a bit.”

“Tell me more.”

“There is no more. It went too far as it is.”

“How far?” Kay pressed.

“We’re following each other like a couple of school children.” Helaine was surprised she had said it like that. It felt good.

“Oh!” Kay gasped. “How fun!”

“It’s not fun. It’s exasperating. My gonads are swollen.”

“Hers too I’ll bet,” Robert said. “Straight. Best kind, my dear.”

Helaine groaned. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Maybe Sharon will go to jail,” Kay said dreamily.

“Prison,” Robert corrected.

“I don’t want her to go to prison. I really just want her to go away.”

“You’ve got to rethink this affair thing, Helaine.”

“Tread lightly,” Kay warned him, “and remember who you’re talking to here.”

Helaine went to rescue him. “This woman…she’s not…it couldn’t be an affair. She’s isn’t the type. If she found out about Sharon Chambers–”

“Well, we’re not trying to be wily, but people do feel differently after they’ve been, you know, seduced.

More amenable, if you catch my drift.”

She caught his drift. “That would not be the case here, I can assure you.” She put her hands on her knees.

“Sharon will not let me go, so that’s the end of it.”

“There’s something you’re not telling us, Helaine,” Kay said. “You’re being so secretive.”

Not telling? That Sharon is hostile, aggressive and by now quite desperate? That she was afraid of how she would react? “Robert, the situation has become a complicated mess. I don’t know how it got this way.

The woman I’ve–her existence is making it worse. It’s my fault and I’ll have to fix it, but I’m not going to have an affair. I’m not going to let Sharon turn me into a liar and a cheat.”

_____

The lease on the waterfront flat. If it wasn’t still in her name Helaine could be technically free of Sharon.

But what was the right thing to do about it? It was not possible to transfer title, management had informed her, and they would not consider leasing to Sharon Chambers on her own application in light of her current circumstances.

The lease. It looked bad from a legal standpoint. She knew that much. That’s why it was a secret. Robert would be furious. Saying it just evolved like that would not be an adequate explanation to an attorney unless you qualified it by saying that you were on drugs, or you had a low IQ or you just had a frontal lobotomy.

The waterfront flat. A real nightmare. She brooded over it at Frank’s on Saturday and–god!–Lydia appeared in the entranceway.

They exchanged glances as the waiter seated her in the middle of the room.

Helaine felt a come-on expression taking over her smile and put her book up to her face to hide it. I’m in trouble here, she realized. LYDIA. And the goddamned waterfront flat. And a way too flamboyant albatross around her neck. She felt eyes all over her and gave in with an aching sigh. It was hers to lose now. A once-in-a-lifetime offer. With strings.

_____

It was clear that Lydia had made up her mind, was anxiously waiting for a sign from Helaine. Someone had finally made a decision in the matter.

Helaine saw how it had transformed her from an otherwise cautious and reserved woman into a funny valentine, one that tripped over herself and wore dopey expressions and a chronic hapless grin. Neither woman knew what to make of this reaction. They exchanged looks of bewilderment over it, but neither said a word.

They sat on their fences senselessly, as far as the waiter was concerned.

_____

“You do that, Dr. Kristenson, and I’ll ruin you.”

“Sharon–” (Sharon’s back and she’s mad.)

“Ruin you! Do you understand me?”

Yes, she did. “You’re threatening–”

“Not threatening. Promising, Dr. Kristenson. I promise you I will make your life an absolute fucking nightmare.”

This was worse than imagined. Helaine took the nearest chair and collapsed in it. “Sharon, my god, you can’t keep me this way.”

“You don’t think so? I’ll bet I can!”

Couldn’t she? It probably happens to people like me all the time, she suddenly realized. Blackmail. She didn’t know what to say.

“Feeling enlightened, darling?”

“Sharon…do you want…you need money?”

“No, Helaine, that’s not it.” (Long pause.) “I’m coming over and you’re letting me in.”

This was getting even uglier. “I’m…even though I…Sharon…what I said…?”

That’s your problem. I’ll be there in twenty minutes, MY LOVE.” (click)

____

“Harry, is anything wrong?” She had just spoken with the head waiter an hour ago.

“No, Dr. Kristenson. Her ladyship is enjoying your cognac and wonders what she should have for lunch today.”

“Oh, Harry.” She put her head in her hands. “Harry, do I do evil?”

“No evil can dwell in a temple as fair as your own, my dear.”

No? She felt under a great weight of it though.

“Aren’t your intentions honorable?”

They were. But what good was that?

“Oh…see how she hungers. What should she eat?”

She laughed into the receiver. “I feel certain you’re going to suggest oysters. I just know it.”

“You’re right. The works then?”

“Harry, don’t let me do wrong here. I’d hate myself forever.”

“You do wrong to leave her hanging. You’ll anger the gods, Dr. Kristenson. Not to mention all the other obvious consequences.”

“I’ve explained this as best as I can. Surely they see my plight and will show mercy.”

“Any sign of it yet?”

“Of what?”

“Mercy?”

“No.”

“Then what does that tell you?”

_____

Ego is the harshest taskmaster.

Dr. Helaine Kristenson is a self-made woman. Technically that should mean that only she can destroy herself. She has just faked another orgasm to get her lover off her back and lies in the prison of her bed. Of her room. Her jailhouse. Her keeper is getting dressed, closing the door behind her with a loud satisfied click.

There seems to be no escape from this and time, though appearing to stand still, is actually flying.

Helaine is letting it all slip through her hands and she knows it. The gods aren’t angry yet, but they fast grow frustrated. The mirror on the wall looks back unhappily and is dissatisfied with her choices. Her values are appalling it says. A woman has been left hanging, suspended in limbo without a sign. Soon she will realize this.

A reputation is spared. A private life shattered. What does it add up to?

The sheets on the bed cling to her body like ropes and chains. They smell of misplaced passion, of defeat, even fear. And the mind is not at peace reclining there. It throws itself at the walls and wails like a caged beast.

_____

Aw, there was someone else. Of course there was. What else could explain the difference in Helaine?