The Secrets She Kept (32 page)

30

ROCKI FELT AS
if she’d been moving through a dream world. Had she been told a few months ago that Landon would
ever
have an affair, she would’ve scoffed. Cheating on her with her own mother was...beyond belief. And yet the truth, the reality of what he’d done, wouldn’t retreat. The knowledge lurked in the corners of her mind, hovered there, waiting to come roaring back just when it began to feel as though their lives could or should return to normal.

Her kids, especially Brooklyn, knew
something
was wrong. Fortunately, they were attributing most of her distress to the loss of Josephine. She’d been able to smooth everything over by claiming their marital problems revolved around the lie Landon had first told her—that he’d gone to Fairham while he was supposed to be in Las Vegas to borrow money from her mother without including her in the decision. Eventually she’d used the same lie to explain why the police had searched their house. Brooklyn was old enough to understand that the police wouldn’t search unless there was more of a connection than simply being related—which had pacified the younger kids—allowing Rocki to keep the worst of Landon’s actions to herself. The problem was, maintaining her silence made what he’d done harder to expel from her own soul. The betrayal just sat there—and festered.

Landon had offered to move out. When, after several more days, she couldn’t allow him to return to her bed, he’d said he felt he should go. He couldn’t bear the pain of seeing what he’d done to her in her eyes every time she looked at him.

But the thought of letting him leave hurt, too. She wasn’t sure what to do. She was in her early forties, with three children who were quickly growing up. She’d never expected to be alone, couldn’t imagine being divorced.

Was she wrong for hanging on? Was she only dragging them through more emotional turmoil?

Maybe she should let go. But that would break up their family—and she feared she’d regret that more than anything.

He’d suggested counseling. Would that help?

She didn’t realize she’d stopped getting ready for the funeral, that she was simply staring at herself in the mirror, until Landon came up behind her.

“Are you going to be okay?”

She shifted her gaze to meet his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“We shouldn’t be here,” he said. “We could’ve told the kids something. That we didn’t have the money. That they couldn’t miss school. As far as I’m concerned, this is rubbing salt in the wound.”

Since she’d learned about the affair, she’d only let him see her fully clothed. She was standing there, in front of the bathroom mirror, in a lacy bra and panty set, but would’ve covered up now if her robe had been handy. He’d left her room several minutes ago to make sure the kids had everything they needed to get ready, and she hadn’t expected him to come back. The robe she’d been using was on the bed. She’d bought the lingerie for herself just yesterday because she’d needed something to make her feel sexy again after feeling so...overlooked and unappreciated. “You may be right,” she said. “But we’re here now. I’d like to get through it—for Maisey’s and Keith’s sake, if not for any other reason.”

“It’s only making you hate me more. I can feel it.”

“I wish I
could
hate you,” she said. “But I’ll get there. I’m trying.”

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, she saw the torment there. “I’ve told you how sorry I am. I tell you every day.”

“If you’d cheated with
anyone else
, maybe I could forgive you.”

His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed. “Right. I understand. And I don’t blame you.”

He hung his head as he turned to go, but in that instant, Rocki missed his hands on her body more than she’d missed anything else in her life. She turned, too, and caught his arm.

He seemed startled that she’d stopped him. A look of uncertainty crossed his face—one that suggested he was afraid to hope her actions really meant anything.

He was hurting as badly as she was. She’d understood that for several days. They were
both
in hell. And only she possessed the power to let them out.

But could she do it? Could she forgive something so heinous? Would forgiveness be enough? Or would the insecurities and fear this had caused destroy their marriage in spite of any attempt she made to save it?

They stared at each other for several long seconds. Then his hand moved to her waist, and she could feel, even though he was tentative about touching her, that he was trembling. “I can’t bear the thought of living without you,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “I’ve always planned on spending the rest of my life with you.”

When she didn’t withdraw, as she had at every other attempt he’d made to be tender with her, he rested his forehead against hers. “If you leave me, at least know that this is
all
on me. You never did anything wrong, never left me wanting, never looked unappealing to me or seemed boring. You’ve been the best wife any man could ever have. I just...got frustrated and dissatisfied with other parts of my life—with our constant financial problems. And I let myself get distracted, took you for granted. It’s that simple.”

“Simple?” she repeated. None of it seemed simple to her.

“My fault,” he clarified. “
All
my fault. I was drunk that night, which didn’t help. But please don’t ever wonder if you somehow fell short and that’s what caused me to...to screw up. Because that’s not the case. You didn’t deserve what I did. It was me.”

But...most people could make a mistake, get tripped up by the wrong emotions or become confused about what they really wanted, couldn’t they? What if
she’d
been the one? What if she’d met someone who dazzled her, caused her to forget everyday problems or created just enough of an ego trip to make her lose track of what was truly important? How would she want
him
to react?

He was accepting all the blame. Even in his mind, she would be justified to cut him out of her life.

But wouldn’t a little forgiveness and mercy make them
both
happier?

“What would you do if it were me?” she whispered.

“Is there someone else you’d like to sleep with?”

He sounded so hopeful she was almost tempted to laugh. “Maybe,” she lied.

“Fine. Sleep with two or three guys. Do whatever makes you feel better. I’ll take you back afterward. I’ll take you back no matter what.”

Of the two of them, he’d always been the more forgiving. There’d never been any big indiscretions like this, but he’d given her the benefit of the doubt on so many little things, had always been patient and kind even when she didn’t deserve it. She supposed that was why she believed him.

Smiling, she wiped the tears that were glistening on his eyelashes. Then she slipped her arms around his neck and felt a huge and terrible weight disappear from her heart as they broke down and sobbed together. What he’d done was terrible. But he was more than that one mistake. Hadn’t he proved who he really was during all the years they’d known each other?

Besides, she loved him—in spite of everything.

* * *

As Landon waited for his family to finish getting ready for the funeral, he wished he could load them all in the car and drive them straight back to the airport. He didn’t want to attend Josephine’s funeral; he couldn’t think of her without feeling ill. He hated knowing how badly he’d hurt Rocki and vowed that he was going to make it up to her. They just had to get through this trip to Fairham. Then maybe they could put Josephine behind them and begin to rebuild their relationship.

Before that could happen, however, he needed to apologize to the other people in his life. Maisey’s family had to feel even angrier toward him.

As soon as Keith descended the stairs, Landon asked if he could have a minute. At first, Keith looked as if he’d rather beg off, which would be understandable. They already had too much going on today. But to Landon’s relief, he nodded and followed Landon into the drawing room, where he could have the privacy to apologize.

Landon expected Keith to give him hell. But that didn’t happen. Keith listened quietly. Then he said, “With the mistakes I’ve made, I can’t condemn anyone else. If you two can patch this up and stay together, I’ll be glad. And I think Maisey feels the same.”

“Really?”
Landon’s shock must’ve been evident in his voice, because Keith chuckled as he gave him an embrace that included a solid thump on the back.

“Just don’t ever do anything like that in the future,” he warned.

“I won’t. I still can’t explain how I did it the first time.”

“Sometimes in life we make a wrong turn. Doesn’t mean we can’t find our way back.”

That was such a generous response that Landon didn’t know how to thank him. “I can’t...I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I’m grateful for it. I’ll take better care of Rocki. I swear it.”

“I know you will,” he said. “I’m heading out. I’ll see you at the funeral home.”

* * *

Nancy hung out with Jade around the periphery of the viewing area, as far from the casket as possible. Maisey had done a beautiful job with her mother’s makeup, and Josephine’s hairdresser had done Josephine’s hair. Even in death, Keith’s mother looked lovely—although not nearly as lovely as she’d been in life. Part of her appeal had been her unrivaled confidence.

Still, she was beautiful. And yet, when Nancy had gone by to pay her respects, she’d stared down at Keith’s mother with a mild sort of aversion. Death, no matter how well packaged, was never an easy thing to face. So, after pausing briefly, she and Jade had slipped away. Now they were just waiting for the service itself—and wishing it was already over. Although she had her sister with her, which helped, Nancy still had a difficult time seeing Keith and not wanting to be with him. She would’ve given in and gone back to him—had almost done so a thousand times since he’d stopped by the store yesterday—but she now had a clearer understanding of what such a one-sided relationship was doing to her. His inability to love her in return took a small piece of her pride and self-esteem every day. She
couldn’t
give in, not if she wanted to be the person she knew she could be. Why devote everything she had to him only to be discarded like an old sweater when he left?

“Don’t turn around now, but he’s looking over here again.”

Her sister had been regaling her with news of Keith’s every move—and every glance—since they’d arrived.

“Stop it,” Nancy said for the third or fourth time. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters,” Jade insisted. “It’s so obvious. He loves you. He just doesn’t know it yet. And I have half a mind to tell him.”

“Don’t!” Nancy shook her head. “If he loved me, he’d say so.”

Jade grimaced. “I’m not so sure. Since he’s never been in love before, he probably figures that sick feeling he gets when he thinks about leaving you behind is indigestion. Men can be stupid that way.”

“Keith is anything
but
stupid. Trust me, he knows what he wants, and it isn’t me.” She’d given him plenty of chances to change his mind.

“If you say so. But I’m not stupid, either. I can tell that dress is driving him wild.”

She was wearing her Herve Leger off-the-shoulder bandage dress. And she, too, could tell that Keith liked it. She’d seen the way his eyes had skimmed over her when she first walked in, how they returned to her again and again.

“He can eat his heart out,” she said, as if she was that indifferent.

Jade’s eyebrows flew up almost to her hairline. “Whoa! You’re playing hardball.”

“When it comes to Keith, or any other man, I’m done settling. I don’t want just a part of him. I’m finally at the point where it’s all or nothing.”

Before Jade could respond, a distinguished gentleman, his black hair sporting a touch of silver at the temples, walked into the room wearing a tailored black suit. He was with a young woman who had to be six feet tall. The definition in her arms and legs, and the way she carried herself, suggested she was an athlete—maybe a softball player? When the entire room went quiet and everyone turned to stare, Nancy realized this had to be Hugh Pointer and his daughter. She looked just like him.

Curious as to how Keith would react, she quickly searched for him. His eyes narrowed and his mouth tightened when he saw that his mother’s lover had come, but he made his way over and shook Hugh’s hand.

Nancy was proud of him for being so gracious. Hard as this was for Keith, she couldn’t imagine that coming here could be any easier for Hugh. He had to be blaming himself for Josephine’s death and his wife’s incarceration. That he’d made the effort to show his face, in spite of how he was likely to be viewed, suggested he’d sincerely cared about Josephine and felt bad about her death, even though he’d admitted to Chief Underwood that he’d tried to cover up his wife’s actions.

Hugh seemed somber but friendly as he spoke with Keith. Nancy was too far away to hear what they said. She was more interested in his daughter, anyway. The girl’s mother had just been charged with murder, and yet...she didn’t appear to be upset.

“What’s up with
her
?” Jade asked.

The girl had a strange look on her face, one that made her seem almost...pleased. But she was only eighteen. Nancy didn’t really want to catalog her emotions as inappropriate. She lowered her voice. “People react to sadness in various ways.”

“You think she’s
sad
?” Jade said. “I’m getting the impression she only came here to flip everyone off.”

As Nancy started to respond, she heard a gasp and turned to find Rocki nearby, with Landon and the kids. The blood had drained from her face, and she was clutching Landon’s arm as if she was staring at a ghost.

“What is it?” Nancy heard Landon ask.

“I’ve seen her before,” Rocki replied.

He seemed as confused as Nancy was. Wasn’t Hugh’s daughter from Australia?
“Where?”
he pressed.

“On the ferry. She came across with me the night Josephine was killed. Her hair was a lot darker, but I definitely remember her. I remember thinking how tall and pretty she was.”