The Secrets We Keep (18 page)

“Answer me, Ella! Do you honestly think that your parents didn't … don't love you? That
our
group of friends wouldn't have spent two days in the hall waiting for you? That if everybody had a vote on who died that night, they would have chosen you over Maddy?”

I nodded. What else was I supposed to think?

Josh stood up and slammed his fist into the wall. Then he laughed, this broken cackle that had my emotions doing a complete one-eighty … going from guilt-ridden and confused to as irate as him.

“What's so funny?”

“You are.” His amusement faded, the resentment I'd seen seconds ago slipping back into place. “They had to sedate your mom when she found out you were gone. That's why Alex was sitting with you. Not because he loved Maddy or wanted to be there, but because your dad made him, told him not to leave your side until he could get your mother under control and could come back and sit with you himself.”

“That's not true,” I said. There was no way that could be true. Mom adored Maddy. She went to her field hockey games, every one of them. She had pictures of Maddy lining her bureau and went out of her way to buy the healthy crap Maddy insisted on eating.

“And you know that how? You were out of it, Ella. For two days. You have no idea what went on. Take a good look at your mother now. You think she's happier believing Maddy is the one who survived? Are you saying that if she had a choice, your mom would've chosen your sister over you? If you honestly believe that, then you're an idiot.”

“She did everything,
everything
for Maddy!” I yelled.

“Because you wouldn't let her do anything for you.”

I flinched at his words. I didn't believe him. My parents, the kids at school, Alex, everybody loved Maddy more than me.

“This summer, when your mom wanted to get a family picture at the beach, what did you say?”

I remembered that. Mom had brought Josh along so that he could take the picture. I was angry about Dad refusing to let me drive to Savannah with Josh to see some art schools. I told them I didn't want to be in their family picture. Eventually Mom stopped arguing with me and handed me the camera, telling me to take the picture. I did, and now there was a picture of my parents and Maddy, without me, sitting on the mantel.

“How about the art exhibit at school last spring, the one where they displayed the sketch you were submitting to the national First Art Program. Why wasn't your mom there? Why weren't either of your parents there?”

I shook my head instead of answering. They weren't there because I never told them about it.

“Did you ever tell them you won?” he asked.

“Yes.” They'd found out two weeks later when the award and scholarship money came in the mail. Mom cried, and said she didn't understand why I would hide this from them, that I should be proud of what I'd accomplished and not hide it. Dad stomped around in silence.

“How about RISD? Do they know you applied early decision there?”

“No,” I whispered. They didn't know about my application to art school. I'd just plugged Mom's e-mail address into the designated spot and sent it off, figuring I'd tell her and Dad if and when I got accepted.

“They didn't do anything for you because you made it pretty clear you didn't want their help,” Josh said as he walked toward his door. He stopped with his hand on the knob, didn't look back as he spoke. “And as for nobody loving you, you are wrong there, too. I loved you.
I
would have chosen you.”

He didn't give me a chance to respond. He just walked out. Left me sitting there staring after him, stunned and completely unable to move.

 

28

I hadn't considered Josh's feelings when I made my decision to become Maddy. I didn't consider a whole lot of things. It's not like I planned on becoming my sister. I just never corrected anybody when they assumed that's who I was.

With everybody beyond thrilled that she was alive, it had seemed easier to play along.

Distantly, I heard the front door slam shut, Josh's mother calling out after him. Knowing Josh, he was probably heading to the movie theater. He'd sneak in the exit door to watch whatever was playing, hiding out in the back row until he calmed down.

I stood up, wanting nothing more than to go with him. It didn't matter what was playing. It wasn't about actually watching the movie, but becoming invisible for a while. With him. But that was no longer an option for me. I had to go home, do a crappy job on my homework, then spend hours searching through fashion magazines so I could put together a Maddyesque-type outfit for school tomorrow.

I grabbed the pile of my wet clothes and toyed for half a second with the idea of putting them back on. But Josh's clothes were soft and warm, and for once, I wanted to be comfortable.

The house was quiet, the only noise coming from the kitchen. His mother's voice drifted over the sound of the oven timer and cupboards being opened and closed. She was talking to Josh's dad, or trying to at least. She'd gotten his voice mail, was asking him to call Josh when he landed and to figure out what was going on.

Quietly, I made my way through the living room, hoping to avoid any contact with Mrs. Williams. I'd nearly made it out of the house unnoticed, was less than half a step from the door, when I heard her call my name.

“Maddy.” I faced her. She had the phone in one hand, a pot holder in the other. “Everything okay?”

“No,” I said. Everything was so far from okay that even I couldn't make it work anymore.

She moved closer, nearly blocking my path.

“Sorry,” was all I could think to say.

“For what?”

I shrugged. “I didn't know he felt that way about … about her.”

She backed away from the door and motioned for me to pass. “He's lost so much already, Maddy. I think seeing you”—she paused, her eyes scanning me dressed in her son's clothes—“dressed like this doesn't help.”

I didn't ask her to explain before I opened the door and left. I knew what she meant, knew what she was tactfully trying to tell me.
Leave her son alone.

I pulled the hood of Josh's sweatshirt tighter around my head and clutched my still-wet clothes closer to my chest. It was getting dark, and it was colder than when I first arrived. And now I had to walk home.

“What are you doing here?” Kim sounded surprised, as if I was the last person she expected to see at Josh's house. Made sense, I guess. Ella was the one who practically lived here, not Maddy, and, well, Ella was dead.

“Nothing, just leaving,” I said.

Kim walked around the small fence that separated her yard from Josh's. “You don't have to. I was just coming over to see if Josh wanted to hang out. You are welcome to stay. I mean, I know you probably have other things to do and Josh was Ella's friend not yours, but…”

I looked up and saw Josh standing there. Apparently I'd been wrong. He hadn't headed for the movies like I'd assumed. He was planning on spending time with Kim. I couldn't help but laugh. Back when I was Ella, I wouldn't have given Kim the time of day. She was jealous, and immature, and hung on Josh like a puppy to a mangled chew toy. I didn't get Josh's attraction to her. She was a sophomore without an ounce of artistic talent. Seriously, her idea of anime was
The Lion King
.

Plus, he loved me, not her. He'd just said so in his room.

Yeah, Ella would've ignored her, but I wasn't Ella anymore. I was Maddy.

Josh saw the resolve in my eyes and instantly knew what I was thinking. “Don't,” he warned.

My eyes met his and a thousand unspoken words passed between us. There was an
I meant what I said upstairs
, and an
I'll help you figure this out
, and a final
Please, not in front of her
.

Kim watched, her face falling as she witnessed a connection she would never have with Josh. For a second, I felt bad for her. She saw it, saw that no matter what she did or how hard she tried, she could never hold him like I did. Even if I was dead, Josh belonged to me.

I nodded in Josh's direction and kept my mouth shut as I turned to walk away. It was the safest thing to do … the only thing to do.

“Wait,” Josh said. “Let me get my keys, and I'll drive you home.”

“No.” I wanted to walk, needed to be alone to think things through before I had to answer any more of his questions.

I kept my eyes focused on the ground, ignoring Kim and Josh's arguing. He wanted to give me a ride, or at the very least walk me home. She thought Josh should call Alex so that he could pick me up. I didn't bother to tell her that Alex was the last person Josh wanted to see right now. Kim even offered to go get her own mother and make her drive me home.

“I'm fine,” I said, putting up a hand to stop them. “I'll see you both tomorrow at school.”

I knew Josh was following me. I'd heard the rumble of his car behind me minutes after I left his front yard. I smiled as he sped up and passed my house the second he knew I was safely inside. I liked knowing that after everything, he was still there watching out for me.

The house was quiet when I got home. The light was on above the stove and there was a half-eaten frozen pizza on the counter next to my now-cold bowl of soup. The coffeepot was full, the sink filled with mugs. I prayed Mom was asleep. I didn't want to answer her questions or apologize again for something I couldn't change. And I sure didn't want to talk about what had happened at Josh's.

I cut through the den on my way upstairs and saw Dad sitting in the living room. In the dim light, I could see the discarded newspaper by his feet and the glass of amber liquid in his hand.

“Where's Mom?” I asked.

“Upstairs. Asleep.”

“She okay?” I don't know why I asked. I pretty much already knew the answer. Guess I wanted confirmation of how much she missed me—Ella—of how much they actually did care.

He shook his head and stood up, drained what was left of his drink before setting the glass down on the coffee table. “Maddy, we need to talk. You are closing yourself off. Your mom sees it. Alex sees it. I see it, and it scares us, Maddy. We can help you, but you need to let us in.”

There were so many things I wanted to say, starting with
I'm sorry
and
I'm not Maddy.
But not yet. Not now. “I know, Dad, but not tonight,” was what I actually said.

 

29

As selfish as it was, I felt better the next day because I wasn't the only one carrying around my complicated secret. Dad was gone by the time I got up, and Mom was still in bed. Probably for the best. I wasn't sure what, if anything, I wanted to say to her yet.

The kitchen was a mess, dishes were still in the sink and the coffeepot was still sitting on the counter, the bottom ringed with black sludge. At least Bailey had taken care of what was left of the pizza. The chicken soup though … somehow he'd managed to topple the bowl onto his head. He'd licked himself clean as best he could, but he was sticky, the fur on his head matted down and littered with tiny chunks of carrots. It was unusual for Mom to leave the kitchen like this. It was unusual for her to leave
anything
out of place.

I picked up the empty carton of creamer and tossed it in the trash and was reaching for the dishwasher when I saw the e-mail printout. Moving an overturned mug aside, I picked up the page and swiped at the coffee stain on it. It was useless; the light brown stain was dried.

I recognized the e-mail address. It was from the department at RISD and addressed to both Mom and me.

I'd submitted the application the night Maddy died, the night I became her. I'd tried not to think about it since then. In fact, I'd nearly forgotten I'd even applied. Until now. Until the proof lay coffee-stained in my hand.

I didn't bother to read it, forced myself not to scan the first few lines to see what it said. I just shoved the e-mail into my bag and headed out the door, not wanting to be reminded of yet another thing I had failed to do right.

School was quiet, but I'd expected that. I'd come in early to avoid Alex. He'd have questions about why I left and why I wasn't returning his calls, and I didn't have any answers. Or not any that didn't involve a complicated set of lies.

I rounded the corner of the hallway and saw Josh standing there staring into his open locker. “Hey,” I said.

His eyes flicked in my direction and I walked toward him. He was the only familiar thing in my life anymore, and I wanted to be close to him.

Josh waited until I stopped next to him before he looked at me, really looked at me, then shook his head. “Back in the role, I see,” he said, and returned his attention to his locker.

I knew what he meant. I had on leather boots and skinny jeans and three layers of shirts and sweaters that were strategically placed and itched like crazy. Crap, I was even getting better at doing my makeup. Thanks to two hours of practice last night, I'd only had one mishap with the mascara this morning, but luckily it wasn't waterproof.

“Yeah, for now,” I said.

“Forever?”

I shrugged. That was the plan.

He slammed his locker shut, not a single book in his hands. “Yeah, well, I have class, and I have to go find Kim, so whatever.”

“Wait.” I reached out and grabbed his arm. I wasn't done talking to him. I hadn't
started
talking to him. His eyes zeroed in on the hand I had locked around his arm. He didn't flinch or try to shake me off. He stood there, hyperfocused on it.

Unsure of what to say, I let go and dropped my backpack to the floor. I unzipped it and pulled out the e-mail I'd stashed inside. “Here,” I said, and handed it to him. “I don't know what it says. I was too scared to look.”