The Shade of the Moon (14 page)

“Alex would forgive Miranda anything,” Jon said slowly.

“He said she got the pills from him,” Carlos said. “The idea, too. You’re right about
those times being desperate. My sister Bri, the way she died? Completely alone, no
one rescuing her. Maybe it’s better what Miranda did. Julie paralyzed like that, she
would have died anyway. Well, it’s water under the bridge. Alex and Miranda expecting
a baby. He’ll get that truck eventually. Alex always gets what he wants.”

Jon nodded.

“You know what I want right now?” Carlos asked. “A girl. A nice quarter-of-a-bar-of-soap
girl. Wanna join me, Jon? There’s four quarters here. I won’t miss one.”

Jon looked at his watch, hoping Carlos wouldn’t see how hard he was shaking. “Better
not,” he said. “I want to get the next bus home, and I’ve got to drop the soap off
with Mom.”

“Tell them I’m still breathing the fresh air,” Carlos said with a laugh. “Good knowing
you, Jon. I’ll think of you four more times.”

Jon managed a laugh. He watched as Carlos walked back toward the center of town.

Five minutes, he told himself. Five minutes to go back to Mom’s, hand her the soap,
kiss her good-bye, say good-bye to Alex and Miranda, and catch the claver bus home.

Five minutes. He’d survived three years of Julie haunting him. He could survive another
five minutes.

Monday, June 22

Sarah was in his bed. They were holding each other tightly, shutting out the world
with the power of their love.

“I love you,” he whispered to her.

“You killed me, Jon,” she said.

It wasn’t Sarah. It was Julie. And she wasn’t holding him because she couldn’t hold
anything. She was lying there, still as a corpse. “You killed me,” she said. “You
kill everything you love.”

Jon sat upright, his heart pounding. “You can’t haunt me anymore,” he whispered. “I
didn’t kill you. Miranda did.”

He’d thought of little else since yesterday afternoon. He’d told Lisa about the visit,
told her about Carlos gambling away the truck money. Lisa had tried not to seem pleased,
but he could tell she was. She had a gift for knowing what was best for other people,
and she knew what was best for Miranda and her baby.

He’d sat at lunch with Tyler, Zach, and Ryan and had hardly listened to a word they
said. He’d bench-pressed, stretched, run, and practiced, his body knowing what to
do while his mind was elsewhere, focused on Miranda, on Miranda killing Julie, on
Miranda cold-bloodedly drugging Julie, then smothering the life out of her.

He’d tried to figure out who else knew and decided no one did. Dad and Lisa would
never have forgiven her. Matt might have, but Miranda wouldn’t have wanted Syl to
know. And Mom . . . Mom was closer to Miranda than she was to either him or Matt,
but even if Mom could have forgiven her, she couldn’t have kept it a secret. If Mom
knew, they’d all know, and since they didn’t, she couldn’t.

No, the only person Miranda told was Alex. She told him on the road to Sexton, and
Alex left her. Carlos was right. Alex loved Miranda, but he’d loved Julie, too, and
felt responsible for her. If Carlos had said no to the marriage, Alex wouldn’t have
returned.

But Carlos had said yes, allowing Alex to marry his sister’s killer. And Jon spent
three years feeling responsible for something that had never truly been his fault.

He thought about that final day harder than he ever had before. Yes, he’d wanted Julie.
He was a teenage boy and she was a teenage girl, and that was the nature of things.
If Julie hadn’t been so religious, or more to the point, if she hadn’t been so scared
of Alex, who was so religious, she would have had no reservations about making love.
It had been their last chance, probably the last time they’d ever see each other.

Jon knew now he’d pushed too hard, and he understood why Julie had panicked. But panic
was an irrational response. Julie knew him and loved him and should have understood
that he would never hurt her. But her fear of Alex was stronger than her love of Jon.
Which was pretty ironic, given that Alex loved her murderer.

Julie had panicked. Jon had gone out after her, had risked his own life to protect
her, and she continued to panic. By that point, he realized, she must have been as
terrified by the storm as she had been of him. The rain, the wind, the hail, must
have driven her into a wild, irrational terror, and she was past the point of understanding
that all he wanted was to keep her from harm.

Then the wind had lifted her and thrown her down. Jon had done everything he could
to protect her, but she’d resisted and paid the price.

Jon remembered everything about that moment. He acknowledged, as he never had before,
that there’d been an instant when he thought, She’s dead and she’ll never tell what
happened.

But she wasn’t dead, and he didn’t leave her there to die. He could have. The storm
was raging. No one knew where they were. He could have risked it, gone back to the
house, claimed they’d gotten separated, hoping she’d be dead by the time they found
her. He’d thought of all that then. For a moment he’d considered it.

Instead he’d gone back and led them to her. Julie could have accused him of trying
to rape her. She could have claimed she ran into the storm because she feared for
her life in the house with him. Everyone would have believed her. Jon could have told
the truth, sworn he never would have hurt her, and they would have turned against
him anyway.

Julie hadn’t told. She loved him enough not to. Maybe she was waiting for him to see
her, waiting to have a chance to forgive him. If she’d lived only a few days longer,
he would have gone to her. Saving Lisa and Gabe was his first priority, but after
that he would have gone to beg for Julie’s forgiveness, and he knew she would have
forgiven him.

But Miranda killed her before he and Julie had that chance. All these years he’d blamed
himself for Julie’s death, but it was Miranda who was responsible.

Jon understood why Miranda had done it. Julie was paralyzed. Miranda believed there
was no cure.

But maybe she was wrong. Maybe they could have gotten Julie to a doctor, somehow,
somewhere. Or maybe Julie’s prayers and Alex’s and Lisa’s and Syl’s would have been
answered, and a miracle would have happened, and Julie would have been cured. Dad
thought Lisa’s survival, Gabe’s survival, was miraculous. Maybe Julie could have had
a miracle of her own.

Only Miranda hadn’t let that happen. They were Alex’s pills, but Alex hadn’t told
her to kill his sister. Miranda came up with that all on her own. Months later she’d
confessed to Alex what she’d done. By then Julie was just a memory, a sister Alex
had loved but one he’d fought with, one he thought of as a burden he’d been trying
to be free of for over a year.

Carlos said, “Sure, marry our sister’s murderer.” Alex took that as a blessing and
raced back to Miranda. It was as though Julie had never existed.

She existed for Jon, though. She haunted his dreams. She kept him from having any
kind of chance with a girl like Sarah. Only grubber girls, who could be bought for
a quarter of a bar of soap.

Miranda had done that to him. Miranda had murdered Julie, and she had murdered everything
that was good in him.

And now Miranda was going to be living in his house. It was a fantasy to think he’d
be able to avoid her. She’d work in the greenhouse, eat with Val and Carrie, sleep
in the garage. But she’d be there. She’d be running in to check on her baby, the one
Julie would never have. Officially she’d be a domestic, but she’d feel like Lisa’s
stepdaughter, Gabe’s half sister. Jon’s sister. Every time he’d see her, he’d picture
her putting the pillow over Julie’s face, holding it down until she could never breathe
again.

“Jon! Wake up! I wanna play!”

Gabe had rushed into his room and jumped on top of him.

“Carrie!” Jon shouted. “Carrie, get in here!”

Carrie ran in. “Gabe, stop that,” she said. “Jon will play with you later.”

“I want to play now!” Gabe yelled.

Carrie walked over to the bed to pull Gabe away. But as she did, Jon rose, and by
the time she reached Gabe, Jon’s hand was up and he was ready to strike her.

Carrie froze. Gabe began crying. Jon pulled his hand back. He’d never hit a girl before,
not even a grub, but he knew if he hit Carrie once, he would never stop. He would
batter her with his fists until she was unconscious, until she was dead.

Gabe ran out of the room and Carrie ran right behind him. Jon stood absolutely still,
trying to catch his breath, trying to regain his sanity.

It wasn’t Carrie. He had nothing against Carrie. It could have been Val.

It could have been Sarah.

It was Miranda he wanted to kill. Miranda, who’d killed the girl he’d loved, leaving
him to drown in guilt for the rest of his life.

Thursday, June 25

Jon answered the phone as soon as he walked in.

“Oh, Jon, I’m glad I got you,” Lisa said. “I’m here at the hospital with Miranda.”

“Miranda,” he said, trying to sound like a loving brother. “Is she all right?”

“Yes, I think so,” Lisa said. “She passed out at the greenhouse this afternoon. They
sent her here by ambulance.”

“And the baby?” Jon asked.

“Fine,” Lisa said. “I’m sure Miranda is, also. It’s hard to be eight months pregnant
and on your feet all day long, and the greenhouses are so hot and humid. But they’re
not taking any chances. They’re going to keep her in the hospital for the remainder
of her pregnancy. Her blood pressure’s very high, and they think it’s better for her
to be monitored. The paperwork’s all done, so officially she works for me. That’s
why they called me.”

“Have you seen her?” Jon asked.

“No, not yet,” Lisa said. “It’s been less than an hour, and they’re still checking
her out. Everyone tells me there’s nothing to worry about, but of course I feel I
should talk to her and make sure she’s all right. I don’t know how long that’s going
to take. Alex may not realize anything’s wrong until he gets to White Birch, but he’s
bound to panic when he doesn’t see her there. And Laura will be hysterical. My guess
is they’ll get to a phone before curfew and call us to see if we know where she is.
I’ll probably be home by then, but just in case, I wanted you to know what’s happening.
You can tell them Miranda’s getting the best possible care.”

“Will they be able to see her?” Jon asked.

“I’m not sure,” Lisa said. “Laura won’t be able to get a pass, I know that. I might
be able to pull some strings and get one for Alex, since he works in Sexton anyway.
But I can’t be sure. The rules are very stringent about where grubs are allowed. If
they ask, tell them you don’t know, but I’ll be visiting Miranda whenever I can and
you will, also, and we’ll keep them posted.”

Jon knew he would never visit Miranda. The thought of seeing her repulsed him. But
he wouldn’t tell Lisa that, or Mom or Alex. He’d find excuses, just as he knew he’d
find excuses when she came to work for Lisa.

“Jon, I’ve got to go,” Lisa said. “Give Gabe a big kiss for me, and tell Val to have
my dinner ready. If there’s any more news, I’ll call.”

“Thanks, Lisa,” Jon said, and hung up. He gave Val the message and went to the nursery
to check in on Gabe. Carrie backed away when he entered. He didn’t blame her.

Lisa got in before Alex called. She told him what she’d told Jon, adding only that
she’d seen Miranda briefly and she was feeling much better.

“I think I calmed him down,” she said to Jon after she hung up. “Of course he wants
to break every rule and rush to her side, but that’s the worst thing he could do.
It won’t do Miranda any good if he’s thrown in jail.”

“They’d send him to the mines,” Jon said.

“That won’t do Miranda any good, either,” Lisa replied. “But there’s a chance I can
get him a pass. Someone’s been after me for a while for an Ivy League domestic. I
may be able to do some swapping. One Yalie for two state-college grads and a pass
for Alex as a thank-you. It might work.”

Jon didn’t care. Alex could end up in the mines as far as he was concerned, and Miranda
and her baby could follow him there.

He felt bad for Mom, but that was it. Someday, he decided, he’d tell Mom the truth
about Miranda. Mom would never forgive her. Miranda would be dead to her, just as
she was to Jon.

Friday, June 26

“When Alex calls tonight, you take it, all right, Jon?” Lisa said.

“Okay,” Jon said, although he had no desire to talk with Alex. “Why are you avoiding
him?”

“I spent half of today trying to get him that pass,” Lisa said. “But the family with
the Yalie wouldn’t give her up, and the family that wanted a Yalie wouldn’t take anything
else. I even offered Val to sweeten the pot, but Tulane wasn’t good enough for them.”

“You would have transferred Val?” Jon asked. He knew how much Lisa depended on her.

“Miranda and Alex are family,” Lisa said. “Val isn’t. If it weren’t for Hal and me,
Miranda would never have met Alex. In some ways, I’m more of a grandmother to their
baby than Laura is.”

Jon stared at her.

“Don’t give me that look, Jon Evans,” Lisa said. “Yes, I know I’m taking Miranda on
as a domestic and that’s not the same as what I’ve done for you. But it’s the best
I can do. A decent home with clean air for their baby. A year or two from now things
could be completely different. Who knows. But the important thing is to stay alive
and healthy. And the best way of doing that is playing by the rules.”

“Even if the rules stink?” Jon asked.

“They’re not that bad for us,” Lisa said. “You might try to be more grateful for what
you have. And don’t get any ideas about beating up the domestics, Jon.”

“Carrie told you?” Jon asked.

“Gabe did,” Lisa said. “He was very upset. Carrie says you didn’t hit her, but she
was afraid you were going to. Jon, what’s the matter with you? It’s one thing to tell
Val she has to get up earlier in the morning, even though you should have asked me
first. But abusing the domestics? I don’t care what your friends do. In this house
everyone is treated with respect.”