The Shoe Princess's Guide to the Galaxy (19 page)

Puck delivers the final lines to rapturous applause:

If we shadows have offended,

Think but this, and all is mended,

That you have but slumber’d here,

While these visions did appear  ...

Yes, that’s it. I’ll wake up next to Tim tomorrow and this will have been nothing but a bad dream. And we’ll all live happily ever after.

       
I might just suss out Fi, though  ...

www.ShoePrincess.com
 
Shoe Are You?
 
Cinderella SP
 
The poor little overworked and underpaid housewife who can no longer afford to buy whatever shoes take her fancy. She sees her rapidly diminishing shoe collection as a metaphor of her current life horizons, yet takes meticulous care of the shoes she does have. Is mostly spotted in pram shoes (ugly with scuffed toes) or sensible flat driving shoes (school run). She has been known to skimp on household food items and transfer assets to a ‘secret shoe fund’. She asks her family to give her money at Christmas to spend at the shoe sales in lieu of presents. The Cinderella SP has several pairs of unworn, expensive high-heeled evening shoes in boxes – just in case she gets whisked away to that five-Michelin-starred restaurant for her wedding anniversary. (Ha!)
 
Court Jester SP
 
A close cousin of the Cinderella SP. So named because of the juggling act this working mum maintains. She spends so much money on childcare she can’t justify keeping up with the latest trends in footwear. Her shoes are usually purchased solely from sale racks and are comically out of date compared to those of the Cosmo and Fashionista SPs.
 
Politically Correct SP
 
This princess has strong socio-political beliefs which are reflected in her footwear; she will, for example, only wear non-animal products on her feet. She either has a keen and often quirky sense of style, or no style at all. She has been known to morph into the Earth SP and will only wear Birkenstocks or elfin handmade sandals from Neil’s Yard.
 
Pauper SP
 
Clever and resourceful student princess who scours funky and obscure flea markets for up-to-the-minute shoes or links up with fashion-design-student friends and makes her own. This princess can’t wait to earn real money and start investing in a proper shoe collection. But in the meantime, she’s happy to make do with cheap imitations and ALWAYS looks gorgeous.

17. Toe the Line

From:                Fi (work)

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        RE: Play

Hi Jane

       
It was a FABULOUS evening, wasn’t it! Marco’s still on a high.

       
Your instincts were spot on, of course. Sorry if I seemed a little weird. There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you face to face but, with everything going on and Kate being in the way, the right opportunity never came up. So, here goes  ...

       
I’m really, really, really sorry, but when you next log on to Shoe Princess, please don’t be cross with me. You may recognise a YouTube video clip (with music from the King Kong soundtrack!) of a certain person’s feet: Kate’s. (Remember from the day at shoe school.)

       
I entered her in the Eliza Shoelittle competition, not thinking that it would go any further. But alas, I (or rather Kate) has just won a pair of designer shoes, plus a bonus 12 months’ worth of waxing and pedicure vouchers. (The Shoe Princess said she’d never seen anyone so badly in need of shoe therapy before!)

       
I know it was very naughty of me – but I couldn’t resist.

       
Must dash, chat soon

       
Fi xx

PS. Do you think I should fess up to Kate and share the prize? Then again, we could take Liz’s lead and sell the shoes on eBay (they’re an exquisite classic Salvatore Ferragamo court) and go out for a girlie lunch to a posh restaurant? F x

Phew.

From:                Rachel (work)

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        RE: Play

Darling

       
Sorry I couldn’t make it – don’t do pagan festivals. Actually, got caught up at work. Glad all went well though, and that hunky Marco’s shoes were star attractions.

       
You won’t believe it – have been seconded to Edinburgh office for 4–6 months with Mr X. An all-expenses-paid sex-a-thon. Not sure if will find it too suffocating though, without his wife to go home to each evening?

       
Will see.

       
R xx

Wife? Oh, Rachel.

From:                Fi (work)

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        FW: Fat Cat

I really will do some work today ... this just came in. xx

TrashQueenz e-lert

Fat Cat: Which supermodel-supermum (pictured) has been spotted frolicking in the park with her baby, looking decidedly chunky?

The photo’s grainy, but there’s no denying the feline: it’s The Cat. Or rather, The Fat Cat. She’s
very
big. This is disastrous. (And yet more than a teeny bit enjoyable, too!)

       
I’ve barely had time to bask in the glory of The Cat’s calorific blow-out when an annoying Kate-thought bubbles to the surface and niggles at my conscience:
Is it truly gracious to get morbid delight from someone else’s weight gain?

       
But after a nanosecond of contemplation, I decide that The Cat and I are about even. It serves her right for brazenly flaunting her way into my living room as a size zero immediately after Happy Sunshine was born, making me feel so bad.

       
Doesn’t it?

From:        Sophie (work)

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        RE: Nanny Contract

Hi Jane

       
Here’s a copy of Rhiannon’s contract – good luck with it all. I didn’t realise you were looking for a nanny. (Does this mean things have settled down with Tim, and he’s back in London?) Trust me, you won’t regret it. Going back to work has been like plugging my brain back into the National Grid. And Hugh’s totally in love with Rhiannon – actually, we all are!

       
S xx

Sophie, you star! Though my request has nothing to do with a return to work
just
yet (nor is a nanny ever likely to be an option on my salary – ha). And it’s regrettably nothing to do with Tim ditching Bangalore either. (Far from it, in fact.) No, I need this to crib for Dad’s Home Parent Assistant contract. Mum and Kate want me to babysit him next month while they go off on their indulgent little August holidays (Kate, naturally, on a carbon-neutral biking tour of the Lake District with her philosophy group; and Mum to a cooking school in Tuscany) so I am going to set some ground rules.

       
You see, no matter how good it will be to have Dad to stay (given that Tim will now be in Bangalore for the entire month of August, thanks to the interminable Alex and that bloody company) I’ve already got one baby to look after, and that is quite enough. In fact, if it weren’t for the upcoming treat of a night with Tim at his annual luxury team-building conference in Oxfordshire, just before he jets back to Bangalore, I think I’d be in a complete state of denial about the summer altogether.

Home Parent Assistant (HPA) Contract

Employee                
Dad (HPA)

Employer                
Jane – Home parent (HP)

Place of Work                
Meadows’ residence, Kilburn, London NW6

Duration                
The month of August

Hours                        
24 hours per day, 7 days per week

Remuneration                
As per the basic salary, overtime, pension, incapacity, sickness and holiday entitlements of the home parent: NIL

Duties and Benefits

1. The HPA will be transported to the Meadows’ residence when the HP returns to London from her husband’s team-building conference in Oxfordshire. The HPA will be provided with free board and lodging for the duration of the contract, but is strongly reminded that he is
not on holiday
and, in the absence of the HPA’s wife, is responsible for looking after his own health, safety and well-being.

2. The HPA shall carry out any duties deemed reasonably appropriate by the HP, including: playing with Millie and taking her for walks (especially between 10 and 11 a.m. and the ‘witching hour’ of 4.30 to 5.30 p.m); keeping the workplace clean and tidy (the vacuum cleaner is in the cupboard next to the cooker).
NB:
The HPA will not be expected to change dirty nappies, unless in an emergency – in which case a brief training period will be provided.

3. The HPA shall be allowed reasonable and responsible use of the family television (inclusive of cable channels),
except during Brunch with Britain, The Wiggles, Desperate Housewives, House, and ALL reruns of Sex and the City and What Not to Wear
. The television benefit may be withdrawn if excessive viewing of the following occurs:
Antiques Roadshow, The Weather Channel, The History Channel
or
ANY sports channel
(in particular, cricket).

4. The HPA will be allowed to bring his dog Pierre for the duration of the contract, and will be responsible for all feeding, hygiene, exercise and related tasks. If said dog destroys ONE pair of the HP’s shoes, he will be relocated to the nearest pound.