The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya (10 page)

Offscreen, Haruhi raised the Eagle or Tokarev or whatever kind of gun it was she had taken from Asahina and flipped off the safety. I was wondering what she was doing when she suddenly fired at Asahina’s feet.

“Ahh—”

Never thought I’d actually get to see doves getting whacked by a peashooter. The act of violence, enough to make the SPCA come flying in, sent the symbols of peace fluttering and shrieking.

“This is it! This is the shot I wanted! Kyon, make sure you’re filming this!”

I suppose that since the camera was running, I was technically filming. Asahina was hunched over with her hands over her head within the swirl of doves flying in all directions.

“Come on, Mikuru! You’re supposed to walk toward us while the doves are flying in the background! Stand up!”

It didn’t look like we’d have time to shoot such a scene. As I gazed through the viewfinder, I could see that in the background, a priest from the shrine had come flying in the SPCA’s stead. He was wearing a hakama, so it’d be safe to assume he was affiliated with the shrine. I was preparing for a stern lecture or two when Haruhi, without a moment’s hesitation, resorted to drastic measures.

With the CZ or SIG or whatever model gun in hand, she aimed at the old man and opened fire. The priest (probably) began dancing like he was standing on a hot iron plate. The AARP’s going to come calling next.

“Retreat!”

And with that cry, Haruhi quickly turned and sprinted off. No idea when Nagato had made her move, but she was already waiting for us under the gate in the distance. Asahina would probably be too slow to escape if we left her by herself, so Koizumi and I each grabbed an arm and carried her off with the rest of the equipment.

The director had already run away. We couldn’t leave the leading lady behind to be the scapegoat.

Ten minutes later, we were sitting in the corner of some kind of roadside restaurant. We were having lunch, and for some reason I had to pay for it.

“That might have been a waste. It might have been a better ad lib to just pretend that the old priest was an enemy and beat the crap out of him.”

Haruhi was babbling on about borderline criminal activity.

Once Asahina had sucked in a whole three noodles of her zaru soba, she collapsed face-forward on the table.

“Mikuru. You don’t eat much, huh? You’ll never grow like that. Only your breasts are growing. That’ll only satisfy a group of hard-core freaks. You need to grow taller, too.”

While she was saying that, Haruhi was stealing Asahina’s noodles and scarfing them down.

I already know. I don’t know how many years it will be, but Asahina will grow to have a face and body that could represent the whole solar system. She doesn’t know that, though.

Koizumi had a mocking smile on his face. Nagato tacitly moved assorted sandwiches to her mouth and chewed.

I pushed my empty plate of spaghetti to the side and spoke to Haruhi, with two people’s lunches before her.

“What are you going to do if that priest complains to the school? Koizumi’s uniform made it pretty obvious where we were from.”

“It’ll probably be fine.” Haruhi was ridiculously optimistic. “It was fairly far away and the blazer’s pretty common. If he does complain, we just have to play dumb. Pretend it was someone else. BBs aren’t enough to prove anything.”

I stared at the video camera containing the incriminating evidence. I’m pretty sure that the second this is screened, the cat will be out of the bag. I doubt there is another waitress in the area willing to go to a shrine to be surrounded by doves.

“So? Where are we going next?”

“We’ll go back to the park. On second thought, that wasn’t enough to be a battle. We’ll need more intense action to grip the audience’s hearts. Yeah, I can picture it already. Mikuru, running frantically around the forest, pursued by Yuki. And then Mikuru falls off a cliff. That’s when Koizumi, who happens to be passing by, saves her. How’s that sound?”

Pretty haphazard turn of events. What kind of high school student would happen to be walking by in the middle of these mountains in his uniform? Pretty damn suspicious. And I had a feeling Haruhi really intended to shove Asahina off a cliff. Yeah, Haruhi, you should take the fall. Put on the costume and act as Asahina’s stunt double. Well, you’re missing a bit around the chest area….

As I was pondering such matters, Haruhi raised her eyebrows and gave me a sideways look.

“Are you thinking about something else? You had better not be picturing me in the waitress outfit.”

What an accurate guess.

“I’m the director. I can’t just merrily step in front of the camera. If you try to chase a couple of rabbits, you’ll end up tripping over a stump and falling down.”

“Aren’t you also supposed to be the producer?”

“There’s nothing wrong with undertaking multiple backstage roles. Still, it might be nice to show up on camera for a brief cameo appearance. Adding some fun tidbits will hook those hard-core fans.”

What kind of fans are you aiming for? Asahina fans? At this point, this is nothing more than an Asahina costume collection…. On second thought, that’s good enough.

Koizumi returned his café au lait to the table with an elegant motion. “Are the three of us the only ones who will be appearing in the movie?”

Idiot. Don’t ask unneeded questions.

“That’s right….”

Haruhi puckered her lips like a duck’s bill and became deeply engrossed in thought. You should think this kind of stuff out beforehand.

“Three people might be too few. Yeah, it’s not enough. Supporting characters are what allow the main characters to truly shine. Koizumi, excellent pickup. To show my appreciation, I’ll increase your screen time.”

“Why… thank you very much.”

Koizumi remained smiling, though his face had an
oops
look on it. Serves you right. Let sleeping dogs lie. I kept my mouth shut.

But where did she intend to find new characters? There was a seventy-five percent chance that anyone she brought in at random would have some kind of twisted backstory. Based on progression, a slider would probably be next. And I sure didn’t want one of those to show up in our world.

“You have to beat up a bunch of underlings before you can defeat the last boss. Underlings, underlings…”

I glanced at Haruhi, fingers stroking her lower lip.

“They should be good enough.”

I read Haruhi’s mind. Taniguchi and Kunikida. The only two people I can live with her bringing in at this point. Less significant than supporting characters. True underlings. They’re less harmless than a healer slime showing up alone.

“That works.”

I averted my eyes from the face of the director, looking like she wanted one more person, to steal a glance at Asahina with her eyes shut and her cheek on the table. She’s even cute when she’s asleep. Even if she’s faking it.

I turned to look at Nagato, slurping her soda in that Grim Reaper getup. Once I was done observing her utter lack of emotion, I turned back to Haruhi.

“So? What’s next? What are we filming?”

Haruhi slowly gulped down the soba broth, buying herself the time it took until it finished. Once she was done, she spoke.

“In any case, we need something bad to happen to Mikuru. A poor little girl undergoes ordeal after terrible ordeal until she finally gets her happy ending. That’s the theme of this movie. The more Mikuru suffers, the more impact the final catharsis will have. Don’t worry, Mikuru. The movie has a happy ending.”

The ending will be the only happy part. In the meantime, Asahina has to suffer director Haruhi’s abuse. Well then, I wonder what kind of scenario Haruhi has prepared. Since I appear to be the only restraint on Haruhi, I’ll need to pay extra special attention. By the way, what’s a catharsis?

Asahina’s closed eyes were now half-open and looking at me, pleading for help. A case of heterochromia where only her left eye was blue. However, she quickly released a soft sigh and her eyes slowly closed. What is this? Are you saying that you can’t rely on me?

Since Koizumi and Nagato won’t serve as any sort of obstruction at this point, I’m your only ally here.

Of course, it’s not like I’ve had any success trying to stop Haruhi in the past six months. I wish she’d at least accept my chivalrous intentions. Though I can’t deny that this feels about as empty as throwing a lance at a windmill.

To be honest, I was wondering if I should even stop her. Half a year ago, I felt that I absolutely had to stop her from founding the SOS Brigade, even if I had to tie her arms behind her back. In the end, while I was dillydallying around, Haruhi went ahead and prepared a room and members. Little by little, I also ended up as one of the members… which brings us to our current situation.

Still, if I had whacked her in the back of the head with a stick or jumped her or ambushed her and managed to stop her, I might not have met Asahina or Nagato or Koizumi. Or we would have met under different circumstances. Which means I wouldn’t have known about unbelievable things like aliens and time travelers. We would just pass each other in the hallway as classmates or total strangers.

Don’t ask me which way would have been better. I’ve already heard self-promotion spiels from the other three members, and I’ve already been witness to Nagato’s weird power, the other Asahina, and Koizumi turning into a red ball. If we went to some parallel world, you could probably find a version of me that hasn’t spoken a word with Haruhi or the other three, so go ahead and ask him. I don’t have an answer.

But I had to come up with an answer in this current situation. Filmmaking. Hmm. An appropriate cultural festival activity. Nothing wrong with that. The only thing weird would be inside Haruhi’s head, but at this point that would come as a surprise to nobody. As far as I’m concerned, Haruhi spontaneously babbling about wanting to make a movie could be considered routine work. Just wing it and things will work themselves out—

At least, that’s what I thought. That’s why I didn’t bother trying to stop filming the movie. Be a director or whatever you want. Abuse everyone around you to your heart’s content. If that’s what makes you happy, I’ll smother my internal sighing and go along with it. Because by all means, I sure as hell don’t want to be locked up alone with you in some weird dimension again.

As I watched a psyched-up Haruhi, an exhausted Asahina, a smiling Koizumi, and a poker-faced Nagato, that’s how I felt.

Not knowing that I would later regret not stopping her.

We returned to the forest park. Can’t you work on the scheduling some more? We should have finished the filming before we ran off to the shrine. The problem was that the script only existed inside Haruhi’s head. It’s important to write things down. The written word is a wonderful thing.

“Forget the guns. I was expecting more impressive bullets, but it doesn’t make an impression without any flashy smoke or sounds. Doesn’t seem to be working at all. I guess fake isn’t good enough.”

As Haruhi made remarks that would only send Yamatsuchi Model Shop’s business further into the red, she used the tips of her sneakers to draw two crosses on the ground. Looks like those are where Asahina and Nagato are supposed to stand.

“Mikuru’s over here. Yuki’s here.”

“Wah.”

After being dragged around by Haruhi the whole morning, Asahina was looking like she’d already burned up a day’s worth of calories, no longer having the energy to resist. Wandering around in that sexy-waitress outfit must have taken a serious toll on her spirit. She could no longer feel shame, having regressed to an infantile mind state, acting like a doll.

Nagato acted like a doll to begin with. She moved silently to her assigned position with her black mantle fluttering in a mountain breeze.

Haruhi twirled around her finger the model gun she had taken from Asahina.

“Don’t move from that position. I want a scene of the two of you glaring at each other. Koizumi, get the reflector board ready.”

And then Haruhi, having returned to the director’s chair, pointed the gun at the sky and opened fire.

“Action!” she yelled.

I raised the camera, flustered, but Asahina was probably even more flustered. Action? Haruhi only told her to stand still. What kind of action was supposed to happen here?

“…”

Nagato and Asahina wordlessly gauged each other’s expressions.

“Um…”

Asahina was the first to look away.

“…”

Nagato continued to stare at Asahina.

“…”

Asahina also fell silent.

And for a while, the two just continued staring at each other as a soft breeze blew by.

“Geez!”

Haruhi snapped for some reason.

“You can’t have a battle like that!”

Since they’re just standing there.

Haruhi, now holding the megaphone instead of a gun, stomped over to Asahina and began pounding the chestnut braids she had tied.

“Mikuru, listen up. You can’t just relax because you happen to be cute. There are more than enough girls out there who get by just by being cute. If you let loose for just a bit, those younger girls will pass you by in no time.”

What are you trying to say?

Haruhi continued lecturing Asahina, covering her head.

“That’s why, Mikuru. At least fire a beam from your eye!”

“Huh?”

Asahina opened her eyes in surprise.

“That’s impossible!”

“It’s why your left eye is a different color. It isn’t blue for no reason. There is supposed to be incredible power hidden within. That’s where the beam comes in. Mikuru Beam. Shoot.”

“I-I can’t!”

“Try harder!”

Haruhi had the slumped Asahina in a headlock and was whacking the back of her head with the yellow megaphone.

The sight of Asahina crying out in pain was too much for me to bear. I handed the camera to Koizumi, who had set down the reflector board to enjoy the scene, and grabbed Haruhi by the collar.

“Cut it out, moron.”

I peeled the tyrannical super-director off the small waitress.

“Normal humans can’t possibly fire beams from their eyes. Are you an idiot?”

Look at Asahina, covering her head with her arms. The poor thing’s on the verge of tears. Just look at those pearls dripping from her round eyes.