The Sinner (44 page)

Her hand was still resting on Magdalena's head. She stroked her
sister's smooth cheek, traced the outlines of her lips. "Do you need
to go before I get into bed?"

Magdalena shook her head. She got up off the edge of the
bed.

"Then I'll go and get the rest of the bubbly."

The bottle was nearly full. They'd only had a sip or two at eight.
Magdalena had said she didn't like it, and she herself had been
careful because Magdalena had badgered her into driving to the
Aladdin. She was grateful now for Magdalena's persistence.

Magdalena, who was sitting up against her pillows when she
returned with the bottle and two glasses, greeted her with an
appraising smile. "You're in an odd mood. Anything wrong?"

"No. Why should it be?" I'm eating my heart out, that's what's
wrong. I'd been wanting him to speak to me for so long -just that,
nothing more - and tonight he actually touched me. We danced
together, and I wanted him to go outside with me, to make love to
me. He was excited, I could feel it while we were dancing. It almost
broke me up when I had to go. Next week he won't even recognize
me. I should have stayed with him. Some opportunities only come
once, and I only got lucky this time because he was on his own and
feeling bored, I realize that. And now I've squandered my only
chance. But I promised I wouldn't stay too long.

I hate you sometimes! And now I hate you even more than I did
to begin with. It isn't a child's hatred any more: it's the hatred of
a woman who's been cheated out of her life. If it weren't for you
I'd be free. I wouldn't have had to hang around in the Aladdin
with that nerd Horsti for the past two years. Everyone laughs at
me. I'm a figure of fun. Cora doesn't stand there praying in the
playground any more, she hangs around in the Aladdin with her
nerdy boyfriend. She doesn't have time for a real man; she's too
busy with a sister who's eating her life away.

But tonight I showed them all - all the ones that matter. Melanie
and her gang were there. You've never met Melanie. We chatted together for a little. Melanie asked where Horsti was. "Where did
you leave that Tarzan of yours?"

`At home pumping iron," I told her. Just as I was about to finish
my drink and drive home, they came in. Johnny and his friend.

Perhaps I ought to tell you about him. Everything, every detail,
just so you see I'm not letting you destroy me and that I can still
have normal feelings. Want to hear? They came in, sat down at
a table, looked around and said something to each other. I could
guess what: no action tonight - we'd better go somewhere else.

But then the fat boy saw a girl. He sees one every time, but he
never gets lucky. I don't know how many times I've seen him sent
off with a flea in his ear. I thought it would be the same this time.
He got up from the table and went over to her. Surprise, surprise!
She actually went onto the dance floor with him.

Johnny was sitting at the table on his own. He was bored, I could
tell. You're out of luck tonight, I thought. Then he looked over at
me and smiled. I don't know if I smiled back. At that moment I felt
as if my face had gone to sleep and my heart had turned to water.

Then he got up and came over to me. Do you know what he said?
"Left your steady at home to give another poor guy a chance?"

I couldn't believe it: he asked if I'd like to dance. Would I! While
we were dancing he told me the only reason he'd never dared to
speak to me was that Horsti was always with me. He held me so
tight, I couldn't help thinking of the candle. It isn't as thick as what
I could feel.

I felt Johnny's lips on my forehead and waited for him to kiss
me, but he only asked if I'd care to go somewhere else with him
and his friend. With him alone I'd have gone like a shot - you'd
have had to wait a bit longer for me. But with his friend? They're
a double act, those two, someone told me once, and I could guess
what she meant. I don't think the girl the fat boy was dancing with
wanted to go with them either, not when she'd only just met him.
I reckoned she was dancing with him only as a way of getting to
know Johnny.

So I said: "I'd like to, but it's no good, I can't stay out too long.
My sister's alone in the house."

He looked surprised. "How old is she?"

"Eighteen," I said. "Today is her birthday."

He laughed. "Why is she at home, then? Why didn't she come
too?"

"She wasn't feeling too good."

He was all for my staying and coming with them - with him
alone, if necessary. He glanced across at the fat boy. "Tiger's busy.
I'm sure he won't mind us leaving him alone for a while."

I thought it was funny, him calling his friend Tiger. He looked
more like a pink piglet.

"Can't you call your parents?"Johnny said. "Can't you tell them
about the party and ask them to babysit for once?"

"Our parents are dead," I told him.

They are too. We never had any parents, just ourselves, and since
I'm the older and stronger of us I have to look after you. So I
left, although it nearly killed me. It was like ripping out my heart.
Johnny was going to tell me his real name if I stayed. He begged
and pleaded: just another half-hour, just one more dance. He went
out to the car park with me, and before I got into the car he kissed
me at last. It was different from kissing Horsti. He'd been drinking
whisky and Coke. Maybe that was it. Sweet as honey, it was. I could
have stood with him like that for hours, and it only lasted a second
or two.

He let go of me and said: "Sing your sister a lullaby and then
come back, won't you? I'll be waiting for you." He stood there and
waved me goodbye as I drove off. And I thought I might really go
back when you'd gone to sleep. Sing your sister a lullaby ...

Just a momentary slip, and that was that. Rudolf Grovian had
scarcely uttered the name Magdalena when she switched off. He
watched her go over to the bed and sit down sideways on, facing
the pillow She stroked the crumpled pillowslip with one hand, her
change of expression clearly conveying that she wasn't with him
any more.

He hoped for some remark, even a few muttered words, that
would enable him to tell what was going through her mind at that
moment, but she didn't do him that favour. As for reading the look
on her face ... It was eloquent of disgust and repugnance. She
gulped again and again, almost as if she were fighting back an urge
to vomit.

Minutes went by. He didn't dare break the silence - heaven alone
knew where in her memories he would have caught her. Then, all
at once, she surfaced again. She drew a hand across her forehead.
"I drove home," she said, loud and clear.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Of course you did, Frau Bender,"
he said hastily.

"I didn't abandon Magdalena."

Not a word about Magdalena! After what had happened at their
last interview, he was only too glad to leave the subject of her sister
to Professor Burthe. "Of course not, Frau Bender. But we aren't
talking about Magdalena, only about Horsti. He asked after you
several times when you stopped going to the Aladdin."

She merely stared at him with a puzzled, hesitant expression.
Uncertain if she was still capable of following him, he went on slowly: "That was in June, so you must still have been living at
home. Or had you left already?"

Of course she had, he would have staked his life on it. She had
vanished in May, not in August, and for some undiscoverable
reason her father had said ... Or the others had thought it was
better to locate her at Magdalena's bedside until they knew for
certain what had happened to her.

By now he could play the lying game as well as her, her aunt and
Grit Adigar, but she didn't notice. "Horst spoke to your father on
one occasion. Your father told him you wanted nothing more to do
with him. And that was in June."

He didn't know how he'd expected her to react. Somehow,
anyway, and she did: she bowed her head and murmured: "No, I
drove home."

Something in her tone puzzled him. He trod even more
cautiously.

"Of course you did. But you were with Johnny one time?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember when that was?"

"Yes, I remember now It was on Magdalena's birthday. But I
drove home."

No, you didn't, he thought. "Of course, Frau Bender," he said.
"I don't doubt that for a moment. Do you remember the night?"

"Yes, perfectly, it's just come back to me. I drove home shortly
before eleven."

He was getting nowhere like this. He tried another tack. "Why
did you go home?"

"Because I'd promised Magdalena. Besides, I was afraid Tiger
would come too. The girl certainly wouldn't have, she'd only just
met him."

The girl! He could have whooped with delight. All right,
carry on, tell me, take it slowly and carefully. "Who was she, Fran
Bender?"

"I don't know."

Okay, nor did anyone else. No wonder there hadn't been a
missing persons report in Buchholz at the time in question. Heaven alone knew where the poor creature had come from. Back to the
crucial point:

"Was Frankie there too?"

She looked at her hands, spread her fingers, rubbed her nails.
Her manner reminded him involuntarily of a difficult child. "Don't
you remember, Frau Bender?"

"Yes, I remember. He wasn't there. I never saw him."

He drew a deep breath and decided on a frontal attack. "Yes,
Frau Bender, you did see him. Once, in the cellar, that night. But it
was after eleven, I know that for a fact. If you drove home at eleven
you must have driven back again. I can well understand your doing
so. I would have returned to the Aladdin in your place. You were
very taken with Johnny and wanted to be with him. That was quite
natural. Any normal girl would have done the same, Frau Bender.
And you were a normal girl, weren't you? You weren't crazy.
DitchingJohnny and going home - that would have been crazy."

He'd almost said "going home to sit with your invalid sister", but
he stopped himself just in time. With a trace of relief, he went on:
"That night you got into a car with Johnny, the fat boy and another
girl; I've got witnesses. Frankie must already have been in the cellar
when you got there with the others."

"I don't know" She plucked at her fingernails, sounding close
to tears. "I only know I drove home at eleven. And then it was
October. I don't know how it happened."

Her fingers entwined themselves, rubbing, twisting and kneading
themselves together as if her hands were her only means of support.
A hint of panic came into her voice. Her eyes implored belief and
understanding.

"I didn't abandon my sister. I did everything for her - everything
except prostituting myself. I wanted to do it with a man I loved,
and Johnny ... I thought of that while we were dancing - that
I wanted to do it with him, even if it had only been the once. I
wouldn't have minded. I'd have had that one time, and no one
could have taken it away from me. Sing your sister a lullaby, he
said, I'll wait for you. And I thought, if she gets really tired, if she
goes to sleep, maybe I will ..."

Her eyes widened. "But I was careful. I was always careful,
you've got to believe me. I loved her. I'd never have done anything
to harm her. I knew what to look out for. When she held her breath
I stopped at once, and when she started panting I went slower. I
always kept one hand on her chest, so I could feel her heartbeat.
I never lay on top of her. I did it with my fingers as a rule. Very
seldom with the candle, honestly. And once with my tongue ...
But that was too ... She'd raved about it. I tried it that once, but it
revolted me. And besides, it was too risky. I couldn't check on her
breathing."

She sucked in her lower lip and shrugged helplessly. Her voice
was heavy with unshed tears. "I know it wasn't right. I oughtn't
to have done it. It was contrary to nature. That's why Sodom and
Gomorrah were destroyed. I didn't want to either, but she said only
fathers and brothers were forbidden to do it to you, not sisters. She
got so little out of life. She longed to have sex with a man, but all
she had was me. She had feelings too."

Her voice broke. "You won't tell the professor, will you?" she
entreated between her sobs. "Promise?"

"Of course, Frau Bender. I promise." He said it before he'd really
absorbed what she'd just told him.

"She always said an orgasm was a wonderful sensation, and I
didn't know what it was like. That night I wanted to find out, but
I had to go home. She saw it in my face and kept on at me. You're
in a funny mood, she said. There's something the matter with you.
And then she told me to finish up the bubbly by myself. She said
she didn't like it - it made her feel dizzy."

Her sobs died away. She wept dry-eyed, staring at her hands,
at her twisting, writhing fingers. He had an urge to take her in his
arms or at least say something comforting, but he didn't want to
disrupt her train of thought. He let her stumble on.