The Siren (38 page)

I remembered, in October, the night we broke up. She had been snippy all day about applications and scholarship forms, determined to see me “distinguished.” What the hell did she think she was going to turn me into? I felt like one of those show dogs people parade around on leashes. She spent the whole day making me feel like an idiot. Her way of making up for this was by leaning the seat back in her car and making me an offer I’d heard so many times before.

It was tempting. It had been a while.

But then I looked over at Casey, her hands already unbuttoning her shirt, and realized I didn’t want any of it. Not her scholarships. Not her degrees. Not her.

We got in a huge fight right then, and I haven’t seen her pushy, whiny face since.

When Halloween rolled around and the little girls came dressed like princesses, I was freshly reminded of just who it was I
did
want.

I wanted my quiet girl. The girl who paid attention to what I said, what I wanted— the only person who knew how to respond to me. The girl who wasn’t embarrassed by my clothes or my job or my bike, not caring if I was rich or poor. My sweet, innocent, forgiving girl. The one who silently laughed at even the worst of my jokes, who didn’t push me to be cheerful if I just wanted to be still. The girl that I knew from the moment I touched her was supposed to be mine.

So what if she was some abandoned orphan? I was practically that myself. So what if she never spoke? I always knew what she meant to say.

I wanted my Kahlen.

I knew I missed her. I sort of made sure I did. But the wave of wanting her hit me so hard that night, it kind of knocked me off my feet… and I’d pretty much been on the ground ever since.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Days started to disappear, hours were gone. Fall kept moving, but I barely noticed. I remembered Thanksgiving Day, but only because I paused to thank God for letting me meet Kahlen and begged Him to keep her safe wherever she was.

Winter came, bitterer than any I could recall. The cold in the air seemed to settle into my body— I couldn’t get warm anymore. When Christmas came, I hoped that she’d somehow show up on our doorstep. I stayed awake all night imagining that, like a movie, if I just waited, Kahlen would come back, complete with a perfect snowfall and a Christmas carol finale.

No such thing.

On Valentine’s Day, I had to, just
had
to buy her flowers. I didn’t know what flowers Kahlen liked best, so I ended up with the classic roses. Sixty dollars worth of flowers and no one to give them to. It was such a desperate thing to do, I didn’t even mention it to Julie. I ended up taking the roses to my little spot in the woods— the fallen log where I found her. That was my hiding place.

When my parents died and I had to get out of that town, Ben and Julie were cool about taking me in. But the one thing I just couldn’t bear to do was cry in front of them. I mean, a lone tear was one thing. But the bawling I was prone to when I really,
really
missed them… it was embarrassing. But here, it was out of the way enough that no one would hear or care.

Some nights I’d cry, when I just couldn’t stand how crappy my life was turning out. No parents, no girl, no school, and a job that was okay, but not something I wanted to do forever. Other nights, I’d smoke to get out the stress, but then I’d think about my mom and cancer and how pissed she’d be if I did that to myself. Sometimes, I’d just drink a beer and try to not think at all. Spacing out got easier and easier.

I tried not to go too often to that spot— it made me think of her. But on Valentine’s Day, I took her the dozen red roses and waited on my bench. Again, I imagined that she’d just materialize there. I even cleaned up and ironed my shirt just in case. But Kahlen didn’t come.

So I spent the whole day remembering little details about her. The way her eyes lit up when I bought her a birthday cake and how she loved to ride Bessie. The way she finally seemed to pull some warmth into her body when we fell asleep on the couch and how she could carry on an entire conversation with just her eyes. The way I felt when I kissed her.

How many girls had I kissed in my life? Between the pecks on the cheeks growing up and the girls I’d made out with as a teenager, it had to be at least a dozen. None of them came close to kissing Kahlen. It was like we’d created kissing ourselves. She made me feel like the rest of the world didn’t exist. When I was kissing Kahlen, we were all that mattered.

It got harder to eat, harder to sleep. It just didn’t seem important anymore.

The only thing that pulled me out of this stupor was Bex. Seriously, I don’t know how two people raise a child alone. A baby needs at least five or six adults around at every moment. I was barely useful, but I think Bex liked me. When the house was empty and it was just us, I’d tell her stories about Kahlen and wish that they could have met.

I forgot to eat, but I could feed her. I didn’t sleep much, but I could let her drift off in my arms. I was an uncle, and it was the only important thing happening in my life.

But even Bex couldn’t distract me for long.

In May, I forgot that my birthday had come until Ben and Julie started singing to me. Funny enough, my first thought went to Kahlen. I never asked her what she had wished for on her “birthday.” When I blew out my candles, all I could ask for was that she was safe and happy out there. Wishing was all I had.

Nearly a year of my life revolved around her. Or rather, her absence. But when I looked into her eyes on the boat, that time didn’t seem to matter anymore.

And then I woke up in the hospital.

And she wasn’t there.

And I had to accept again that, wish as I might, Kahlen was not coming back to me.

That was the last straw.

I was an idiot. What kind of dumbass was I to fall that fast and that hard for a stranger? It wasn’t normal. But then nothing was normal anymore. I wished I could rewind the last few years, rearrange things, and press play.

I wished my mom and dad were back. Adult or not, I needed them. So much seemed to hang on them not being around. My dad would have known what to do about this; he would have had some words of wisdom. He would have told me what I should have done. He would have told me how to deal with her not wanting me anymore.

If that was the case…

Her room was mine now, so I’d cleaned up the mess. But the sight of her comforter and clothes thrown across the floor bothered me still. I didn’t like to let my thoughts go there, to think that whoever left her hurt and alone had found her and took her away. I knew it was a possibility, but to think that someone somewhere was hurting Kahlen was much worse than thinking she simply left by choice. I’d take that option any day.

When I read her note, the one piece of paper I carried from her notebook, it was harder to believe. That damn note comforted me and haunted me more than anything in this world. It was only paper, but the things it could do…

Whatever the reason, Kahlen was gone. And I had to accept that now. People leave, and we have to move on. If I could just make my peace with that, maybe I could start to be grateful for what she had given me. I couldn’t have Kahlen, but because of her, I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted someone who was strong but not aggressive, someone who was gentle but not easily intimidated, someone who was beautiful but without being worried about it. I wanted someone simple. These were wants I didn’t know I had. If I had known, I wouldn’t have wasted those years on Casey, who was obviously the polar opposite of what I really wanted. And thanks to Kahlen, I knew that now.

And there were a couple of girls in town who had always shown an interest before, during, and after Casey. And since I nearly drowned, Sara had been by the house three times. She brought soup and a book one time since the doctor said I should take it easy. That was thoughtful. I mean, she wasn’t as charming as Kahlen. Or as funny, though some might challenge a silent person’s ability to crack a joke. Of course, she wasn’t half as beautiful, but who was?

I remembered that one night Kahlen spent in my bed. When I woke up and saw her face, it was like her face made the room brighter, the bed warmer. Maybe Sara could be like that, too. Maybe if I just took the time to find out.

Truth was I didn’t think I could ever be that enthusiastic about another girl again. I’d felt the height of connection with Kahlen, and I didn’t think anyone else would ever come close.

But reading through Kahlen’s book of notes over and over and dreaming that she might come home to me… that wasn’t doing me any good. How many times in this past week alone had I come out to these rocks, just to think about the way Kahlen
smelled
? If I kept this up, I’d be miserable forever. Hadn’t I had enough misery? I wasn’t excited about a life without her, but maybe one day I would be. I had to be hopeful.

Looking out over the water, I was sure that was my only option now: be hopeful.

I just had to give it time.

Out of my periphery, something blurred. Did that rock just move?

More focused now, I could see that it wasn’t a rock… it was a person. Were they hurt? Hopping to my feet, I ran down the rocky coast unsteadily. I knew the doctors had told me to take it easy, but what if this person, this girl, was injured? They’d just have to deal.

Yes, it was definitely a woman’s body. Whatever she was wearing was so dark she practically matched the rocks. Thank goodness she moved; no one would have ever seen her. That low on the rocks, she would have been dragged out to sea… and draped in darkness, like a dress. Why would you wear…?

Oh, God.

I knew someone who wore dresses like that. The thought stunned me for a moment. I looked closer now.
Oh, damn
… pale skin…
oh, no
… long brown hair.
Oh please, God, please let her be okay.

“Kahlen!” I yelled, “Kahlen, I’m coming!”

I saw the body move a minute ago, right? She would be alive at least. As I got closer, I saw blood. Little scratches on her arms and face like she’d rubbed them along a bunch of tiny rocks. It wasn’t a lot of blood, but
any
was too much to me.

“Kahlen!” I called, finally making my way across the rocks and kneeling beside her. I picked up her head and cradled her in my arms. She was so much more beautiful than I remembered. Even with the little scratches on her, she still looked gorgeous. I saw on her neck that she still wore my necklace. It had broken at some point and was held together with string. I don’t know what happened, but she made an effort to keep it. Maybe, wherever she had been, she had thought of me, too. I let out a brief hysterical laugh at the thought.

“Kahlen, sweetheart, can you hear me?” I asked. Was I seriously starting to cry?
Pull it together, this isn’t the time.
I wiped the coming tears away and focused. I hated to do it, but I lightly popped her on her face trying to get her to come to. It took a moment, but her eyes fluttered.

She
was
alive.

I put my cheek close to her mouth and nose. I could feel her breathing. I moved my ear down her chest, and there it was— her beautiful, steady heartbeat. I could hear it.

Kahlen. She was real, alive, and in my arms. I had to check myself. I hadn’t sustained any head injuries today. No one could say I had dreamed her up. How could anyone dream her up? She was more beautiful than any vision the average imagination could invent.

Hope. Finally, hope.

If she was here, maybe I could explain myself. I could ask her to forgive me. I could do whatever it took. I’d learn sign language— why didn’t I do that while she was gone? Maybe she would take me more seriously now if I had. Still, I had to hold onto her presence. At least now there was a maybe.

While my head was still on her chest, taking in every drum of her heart, I felt Kahlen’s hand reach up and brush my cheek. It was chilly, with wetness in her skin. She had always felt like that, like she just emerged from some mysterious shower. The shock of it brought my wits to me.

“Kahlen, can you hear me?” I asked.

“Yes,” she croaked. She spoke! How long had I dreamed about her voice? It was sweet, but obviously labored. In one word I could hear how tired she was.

“Kahlen, you can talk!”

“Why wouldn’t I?” She sounded genuinely confused by my words. Her voice was gentle but raspy. What had she been through now? She slowly opened her eyes and focused on my face. I wasn’t sure of the emotion in her eyes. Maybe it was curiosity.

“Who are you?” Yes, definitely curious. But not afraid…

“Oh… Kahlen, don’t you remember me?” Please remember me; you’re all I think about.

She raised a hand and pulled some hair away from her face while she looked me over. I watched, completely in a trance at the way that hand fell gently down her cheek and rested at the base of her neck. She found the necklace under her fingers and looked down at it. She studied it for a moment, and then turned her eyes back to mine. She brushed my growing hair away from my eyes to look into them better.

She touched me. On purpose.