The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (26 page)

Because of your newfound status, you will be invited to twice as many galas and parties as before, thus increasing the likelihood that you’ll bump into your Unicorns again into an inevitability. They won’t remember your name or your face, but they will recall your wound. If you have been doing your homework and, say, discovered from reading the tabloids while waiting in line at the supermarket that your Unicorn has a ten-year-old daughter, ask them how she’s doing in math. Because Unicorns talk to too many people to remember what they say to anyone, they will assume that in a previous encounter, they must have confided in you. Because most people whom they encounter at galas are either embarrassingly flattering or trying to get them to attend yet another fund-raiser party, they will be relieved to have run into someone real enough to talk about what is real to them, i.e., their daughter’s inability to master long division.

A Whale, seeing you talking earnestly with a Unicorn about their daughter, will assume that someone so comfortable with
one Unicorn must know many Unicorns, and will invite you to the next dinner they are throwing for Prince William or George Soros, and most game-changing of all for you, when you meet Prince William or George Soros, you’ll be introduced as the old friend of Bill Clinton or Angelina Jolie.

No Unicorn wants to be the first Unicorn friend of a non-Unicorn. But now that you’re Angelina’s or Bill’s pal, it will be safe for them to become your new best friend.

The rules of Unicorn friendship are as follows:

1. If a Unicorn asks you to do anything with them, you must always say yes even if you have a surgical procedure scheduled for that day.

2. When a Unicorn calls you on the phone, you must be willing to talk as long as they want to talk about anything, most especially about themselves and the unfair burdens of fame.

3. Never, never, never talk to the press, unless instructed by the Unicorn to disseminate their side of a story, i.e., be prepared to lie on spec.

4. The Unicorn is always right, especially when they contradict themselves.

5. If they contradict themselves in public, merely point out that their statement reflects the paradoxical nature of the universe, as opposed to confirming their rumored alcohol or drug dependency.

6. Though it is easier to become new best friends with Unicorns who do drugs and/or drink to excess, they will
inevitably blame you for their addiction. Better to use alcohol/drugs to cement the relationship, and then suggest that you both take a few weeks off and go to a rehab facility with five-star spa service together.

Unicorns are hard work; being friends with one is a full-time job. Though they will buy you costly presents, pick up the checks for obscenely expensive meals, send their limos to collect you, and treat you to lavish holidays in Unicorn watering holes, it’s important you periodically say no to the freebies their other social climbing friends are accepting. Never say no to spending time with them or to a freebie Unicorn holiday, but occasionally say no when the limo is offered, and insist on paying for your own taxi. Once a year, pass on the ride in the private jet and fly on your own dime. Doing this accomplishes two things: a) It separates you from their other freeloading friends, and b) since normal people pay their own way, by doing so on occasion, you maintain the illusion that you are normal, which then gives Unicorns the illusion that they are normal because they are friends with a normal person as opposed to a total freeloader. Remember, no matter how generous Unicorns may seem, they are always paranoid that they are being used by social climbers.

Never try to repay the generosity of a celebrity with Unicorn status by inviting them to your home. Though famous people will be amused to hear anecdotes about the little headaches of your normal life—your toilet that requires a plunger to flush fully or the family of mice that lives in your oven—they will
not be amused by firsthand encounters with your faulty toilet or rodent problem.

If your Unicorn asks you if you think so-and-so is taking advantage of their generosity, i.e., using them, do not answer directly. A definitive yes or no will risk making an enemy of a rival social climber. Better to respond with a question that will expose the nature of their closeted neediness, such as, “Do you feel used?” which will open the door for them to inadvertently reveal how much they spend a year buying friends. This is an important figure for you to remember—ask yourself, are you being appropriately compensated for all the hours you’ve spent listening to them complain about how hard it is to be famous? Then volunteer, “I just think someone in your position has to be very careful to avoid becoming friends with takers, as opposed to givers.” You have now subliminally identified yourself as a giver.

To deepen your budding friendship with your Unicorns, you must separate them from as many of their old friends as
possible. If, for example, your Unicorn is a movie star, and his or her friends suggest that he or she is too thin, and you hear them encouraging the Unicorn to put on a few pounds, in private suggest that those seemingly concerned about the Unicorn being underweight have selfish reasons for wanting the Unicorn to get fat.

Unicorns need to hear what they want to hear. It is your job to cater to that need before they ask one of their other new best friends if they think you are taking advantage of them. In short, think of the Unicorn as Stalin and yourself as the head of the secret police, Beria.

Set yourself apart as a new best friend above suspicion. If you and the rest of your Unicorn’s entourage have been invited to a five-star event—say, Graydon Carter’s Oscar party—pull your Unicorn aside just before you get out of the limo and surprise them by suggesting that you both do something more meaningful than hitting yet another red carpet and invite them to do something really special: bowling. Unicorns trust bowlers; nothing is more normal than bowling. Being a Unicorn, they won’t ditch the party, but because it has been so long since they have been bowling and because no one but you would exchange an opportunity to be seen at the Oscar party to bowl, you will have set yourself apart as the kind of normal person the Unicorn’s shrink has urged them to establish friendships with and you still get to go to the party.

Like Unicorns, certain types of Whales can change your life overnight. By our definition, a Whale is a Big Fish with over $100 million. Note: Whales in this category like to be referred to
as centimillionaires rather than simply multimillionaires. However, billionaires, even if they have multiple billions, are confident enough to be comfortable with simply being referred to as billionaires. Some Unicorns—Paul McCartney, Oprah, Ivanka Trump, et al.—are also Whales, but not all Whales are Unicorns, i.e., a Unicorn cannot walk down the street without being recognized, while many Whales can, unless they have hired a good publicist. On the other hand, there are Whales, such as Shorty Guzmán (according to
Forbes,
the forty-first most-powerful person in the world and the reputed head of the Sinaloa drug cartel), who pay people to
keep
them from being recognized on the street. (Mr. Guzmán’s recent arrest only proves that if a Whale has accumulated enough money to become a Unicorn, he will be recognized whether he likes it or not.) Such is the voodoo of money.

For the truly ambitious Mountaineer, the magical power of a Unicorn to transport the climber to the top of the mountain is exceeded only by that of the most endangered species of game changer, the Whale family.

Whale families are pods of multigenerational wealth, by-products of a family fortune usually founded by a Whale more than a hundred years ago, whose descendants, due to luck, temperance, strategic marriages, shrewd investments, Prohibition, manipulation of tax loopholes, and an uncanny ability to make money off both sides in any and every war, have grown richer with each subsequent generation. Often, but not always, Whale families have a last name that appears on a product used by millions of people every day.

In general, wealth counselors agree that the financial rule of thumb as regards most American family fortunes is bootstraps to bootstraps in three generations. But Whale families are the exception. Individually, the members of the pod may only be worth $100 million each, but families in which there are thirty-five centimillionaire cousins, two billionaire parents, and four multibillionaire grandparents are a force to be reckoned with. It isn’t simply the collective net worth in dollars that makes Whale families so popular with social climbers. It is the collective clout of the social and political power, connections, influence, etc., they have accumulated over the last hundred years, coupled with their billions, that makes them irresistible to the ambitious Mountaineer.

The flash appeal of such fortunes will be covered in our Advanced Mountaineering chapter. However, in terms of game changers, it is worth noting at this point that hanging out with a single Russian billionaire, such as Roman Abramovich, or Señor Guzmán, or hedge fund billionaire Steve Cohen might have its charms, but it does not have the same panache as hobnobbing with the Rockefellers, the Kennedys, the Rothschilds, the DuPonts, or the Fords who make the car.

These pods of family wealth and social cachet have always had a special allure to Mountaineers. But before attempting to ascend the cliff face of such a clan, you should know that
they are as difficult and frosty a climb as Everest. Why? Because they’ve had more than a hundred years’ experience dealing with social climbers, and they are families, and all families are complicated.

The perks that make friendship with a Whale family so enticing are obvious—the family compounds, vast estates, private beaches, guesthouses that go empty for months at a time, private planes, yachts, personal chefs waiting to make you a tuna melt in the middle of the night. The Whale family’s appeal isn’t simply that they belong to the best clubs or throw the most lavish parties, it’s that they have spent the last century accumulating juice in every walk of life. They haven’t just elected presidents and built gymnasiums, hospitals, and libraries at all the right schools, they have made all the right friends and have banked a century’s worth of favors.

A phone call from the elder of a Whale family can take you anywhere you want to go, but unfortunately, few climbers ever make it past the front gate of the family compound.

To begin with, most Mountaineers make the mistake of being overconfident. Why? Because the chances are that the Whale in the pod that you’ve met, believe to be your NBF, and think you can use to advance yourself is invariably the prodigal, the black sheep, the runt, the heir or heiress going through their Big City party girl/boy phase or their do-gooder phase and/or are more likely than not, three weeks away from entering rehab. The fact that you have become friends with the most embarrassing member of the pod will make the family suspicious of you before they’ve even met you. They may smile and say, “Pleased to meet
you,” but what they’re thinking is, “Ye gads, what has the cat dragged in this time?”

Regardless of whether the Whale family member you’ve had the good fortune to meet is the pod’s wastrel or the golden boy/girl of the clan, it is important for you to realize that you are playing the long game. The smart social climber recognizes from day one that the long-term value of this connection will not come if you simply charm and ingratiate yourself with a single member of an old-money family. That works with Unicorns, but not Whales with bloodlines. The real benefits in terms of accessing the entrée and networking connections the pod has built up over generations will come only if you charm and ingratiate yourself with the whole pod.

Given that every Whale family has had unfortunate experiences with blackmail, kidnapping, lawsuits from injured houseguests, and countless messy and expensive divorces, not to mention exploitation by short-sighted social climbers, this mistrust is not entirely unjustified.

Because these families have been around for so long, they know who is who and who
was
who, i.e., if you have invented an imaginary great-aunt with a villa in Cap d’Antibes to impress the chain of Big Fish that led you to meet a member of a Whale family, do not mention her in front of the rest of the clan.

Because you are a novelty, and members of Whale families are inherently and innately mistrustful of those who do not come from Whale families, the member of the Whale family you’ve befriended will be curious to see what the rest of his/her pod thinks of you. Politely but firmly refuse any and all invitations to meet other members of the pod one or two at a time. No matter how good an impression you make, they will go back to the family compound and say bad things about you to the rest of the pod. Whale families keep their teeth sharp by undercutting family members who aren’t present to defend themselves or their social climbing new best friends, i.e., you.

With a Whale family, it is an all-or-nothing proposition. You need the whole family to love you, not just one or two. Note:
If you are one of our readers who is considering sleeping your way to the top, do not have sex with the first member of the multigenerational member of the family you meet. Why? Because if you follow our advice, you will have the pick of the pod. Remember, in Whale families, not all trust funds are created equal.