The Solitude of Passion (56 page)

“We’ll never get done.” It would take an army to cover these endless acres. We’re just trying to make ourselves feel better so that at the end of the day we can check off the box that reads we did everything we could. Which isn’t true. I wish I cut my brother out of my life ages ago, at least then I’d still have a nickel to call my own and Mitch wouldn’t have a bullet hole in his body.

“The Max Shepherd I know isn’t a pessimist.”

“You’re right. He’s a realist. I see things for what they are.”  And right now, they’re not good.

We continue our vain effort, cutting and snipping until we reach the end of the row. At this rate we’ll have Townsend pruned by next July.

“Look.” Lee points at the strawberry sky. Sunset over Townsend never lets you down. It echoes off the leaves, turns the whole world into a reflection of burning fire. It dances off Lee’s hair, mixes pink with gold, and I want to remember her like this.

“I love you.” I swipe a kiss off the side of her cheek as she presses into me.

“I love you too, Max.” It comes out with a smile, but you could taste the grief.

For a moment I envision a plane nose-diving into the Pacific, and it gives me a small ray of hope—not that I want that. I shake the thought away. I really need to stop murdering Mitch in my spare time.

“So you’re leaving me?” I twist my lips at the idea.

“Nope. He left me—told him not to go. You’d never leave me, Max,” she whispers, running her fingers through my hair with a look of inescapable sorrow. “I can never desert you. I’m too far in. You’re the anchor in all this madness. You’ve always been my rock. I’m not going anywhere, ever.”

She wraps her arms around me tight and lays her head over my chest.

I swallow hard as I try to digest her words. Lee just said what I’ve been dying to hear from the beginning.

“You’re just ticked,” I whisper into her ear as a dry laugh rumbles through me. “You’ll be back on the fence by the time he gets back.” I bow a kiss over her temple.

“You think he’s coming back?”

“He’d better.” I toss the shears into the field. “He’s got a hell of a lot of work to do.”

We take a seat right there in the crimson-colored dirt and watch the sun slip behind the hillside. I snap off a small bunch of concords and feed them to Lee, one at a time, dripping them into her mouth like purple gold.

“You really know how to love me.” She nuzzles into my chest.

“As opposed to that fake stuff Mitch passes off as affection?” I tease.

She makes a face. “Sour grapes?”

“We are at Townsend.” I examine the meager offerings and pitch them back into the field. “They’re sweeter at my place.” True story.

“I bet. And who’s pruning Shepherd? Hudson?”

“Hudson’s pruning our banking account.” I tell her about Candi. “Looks like having him arrested will be doing him a favor. I should just let him run around scared for a while. It might knock some sense into him.”

“You think those people he hired to kill Mitch will come back?”

“Not unless they work for free. I’m pretty sure it was a onetime deal. They couldn’t care less that he’s not dead. Besides, it’s Hudson’s gambling debts that have him running for the hills. He’s got all the wrong vices.”

“And you?”

“You’re my vice, Lee.” I pull her in.

“
Ouch
.” She doubles over slightly.

“Is it the baby?”

She doesn’t say anything just breathes her way through it.

Please God, no.

This week could not possibly get any worse.

Lee

Under the sterile illumination of florescent lights, a nameless ER doctor presses into my stomach while conducting an ultrasound. He breathes over me with his shock of grey hair and squints as he rolls the device over my abdomen.

“You’re hurting me.” I hesitate before giving a generous squeeze to Max’s poor hand.

“Sorry.” The doctor replaces his instrument with a mild sense of disappointment. “I’ll have to do this internal.” He pulls out a wand and throws a condom over it. I push my feet into the stirrups and wince as he slips it in. “That’s better.”

“For
you
.” I spear him with a look.

“Here’s what we got.” He points up to the screen. “See this?” A pulsating being—my baby. No bigger than a bean. I bite down a smile. “Everything looks great,” he confirms.

“Thank God.” Max leans over, brings his cheek next to mine as we marvel at the monitor. It brings back all those memories of doing this with Eli. Max never missed an appointment. He never complained, he
volunteered
to come with me. We made a routine of going to lunch afterwards, built memories like any normal husband and wife. I bring his hand over my mouth and touch my lips to him.

“But this one.” The doctor moves to a different location. “The sac is empty. It’s been reabsorbed.”

“There were two?” I get up on my elbows. I’ve never had twins, never even knew I was capable.

“Looks that way. Happens more often than you think. Sometimes the second baby vanishes without anyone noticing, especially when it takes place so early. I’m sorry.” He takes the chart off the table. “You can get dressed and come out when you’re ready.” He pulls the curtain shut on his way out.

“Twins.” Max shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s still one healthy baby.” I reel him in, hugging the trunk of his arm.

There were two, and now one is gone. Reminds me of Mitch and Max. But Mitch came home to me, the first time. I look up at Max. I wish I could tell him this was his baby without a shadow of a doubt. Max who is always there for me—here for me now—who would never, ever leave for China if I begged him to stay. I pull him down and kiss him full on the lips.

“Thank you,” I say.

“For?”

“Just being you.”

Max and I go out to dinner before heading home, just the two of us with lobster and candlelight. By the time we get to the house Janice has the kids already tucked in and sleeping. We don’t tell her about the phantom baby—probably Mitch’s, that one. Instead, I assure her the baby is fine, false alarm, and send her home happy knowing that the heart of her grandchild is beating strong.

“Maybe Stella and Eli were twins,” I say as Max crawls under the covers. A thin seam of moonlight tacks over his body like an ethereal highlight.

“We shouldn’t go there,” he whispers. “It’ll just mess with our heads. They’re here. That’s all that counts.” He pulls me into him and hooks his leg over mine, warm and inviting. Max is a balm as always. “We’re pretty lucky. Two healthy kids.”

“Another on the way.” I place his hand over my stomach, and his eyes squint into a smile all their own.

“Another on the way,” he parrots, kissing my eyelids in turn.

The moon washes out his features, taking ten years off his age. They should bottle moonbeams, best anti-aging remedy yet.

“What?” He slides in close before relaxing over his pillow.

“Nothing,” I whisper. “Just looking at how handsome you are.”

“Feel free to stare.” He closes his eyes with his arms securely wrapped around my waist.

“You going to sleep?” I trace the outline of his lips with my finger, soft as a feather.

His eyes spring open. “Not if my services are needed.” His lips curve into a devilish grin. “You’re worried about the baby, aren’t you?” He rubs slow circles in the small of my back.

“No, it’s not that.”

“Oh
.
” It comes out measured like he knows. He doesn’t say his name, neither do I, but Mitch lingers on the bed with us like a phantom, like he always has, only I’m too much of a coward to admit it.

I run the pad of my finger over his ear, tug at his lobe before tracing the outline of his brows, the bridge of his nose, his soft, full lips.

“You’re a masterpiece,” I whisper. God can be very proud of this one. A Davidian beauty. David was flawlessly beautiful, perfectly handsome, and it’s so true of Max in every possible way.

“No, Lee, I believe that would be you,” he teases, pulling a kiss off my lips like he was stealing the moment.

I tug on his shirt before he helps evict it from his body. Max lifts my dress over my shoulders, and I hold my arms up as he slips it off.

I need Max to scrub these inescapable thoughts out of my mind. I need him to scour Mitch off my heart once and for all. Mitch who tried to keep us apart, and here we are, our stomachs fusing together at the touch.

“You’re mine, Max Shepherd,” it strings from me with a quiet laugh. “How did I get so lucky?”

“Maybe you didn’t get lucky.” He pushes in a heated kiss. “Maybe this is how it was meant to be all along.”

“Maybe it was.” I outline his lips with my tongue and try to forget the last few months, the last few years, and pretend it was that night at the party once again—just Max and me in some strange bedroom with no history of grief chasing us down like a sickle but I can’t. There’s no scrubbing this stain from my soul. You have to own the past or else it owns you.

I fall over him with an urgent string of kisses. His hand floats down to my stomach and warms the baby. I roll back on the pillow and hang onto his unbreakable gaze. His eyes glow translucent in this light, inhuman, like fractured glass. His hands track up, cupping my breasts, and I give an audible groan. Max slips his knee between mine and dips his hand between my heated thighs. I’m ready for Max. I’m ready for a future with Max and all it might bring. I’m not sure how we’re going to get there, but if I just keep breathing, if he does, I think we have a fighting chance.

Max offers solid kisses. His heart beats against my chest like a primitive war drum. It lets me know that he would never leave me—that an arm’s length is almost too far.

He trails his lips down my chest and licks a fire line all the way to my belly. He pulls my knees over his shoulders and buries the hot of his mouth between my legs—nothing but an explosion of lust and wanting. His passion detonates as he wrenches an aching groan from deep inside me.

Max loves me with his tongue, his fingers, with his entire body until the sun rises—threading his existence into mine once again as husband and wife.

We don’t take the kids to school the next morning. We shut off the alarm and hold one another, binding each other up with our flesh.

Long after the sun rises, Stella and Eli flop into bed with us and we all fall asleep again until noon in a beautiful tangle of limbs. It’s familial bliss, something we haven’t known in so long.

I love Max and our family. I submerge myself in a world of dreams where only those two things exist, and there is never a choice to make, never a baby to lose.

A thunderous pounding emits from downstairs and the four of us jolt from a dead sleep.

“What the hell.” Max jumps into his jeans, buttons them as he races downstairs.

A pulse of alarm races through me as I spike up in bed not ready for the dizzy rush that follows. Eli starts in on a wild cry that picks up in volume as I pull him toward me.

Deep inside I’m hoping Mitch has miraculously returned.

Max shouts my name, and I hop out of bed.

Mitch

The vibration of footsteps dashing in every direction rattles the tiny house like an earthquake. The lights go out—screaming ensues from all angles. Gao pulls Colt and I out a window near the back. We climb down the backside of the hill and fall into a row of dense bushes that line the property.

“It’s okay,” he offers his false assurance. “Happening all time.”

I meet with Colt’s pissed off expression.

“Reminds me of high school,” Colt says. “But the cops didn’t come armed with assault weapons.”

Gao’s last words hit me like a rock.

“All the time?” I ask.

His dark eyes glint in the night. “Yes.”

We watch as the police patrol the area while speaking to a group of women in the distance, and things seem to calm down a bit. Gao motions for us to stay put and hightails it over to them.

“What’s he doing?” Colt fills in the space between us.

“Self-sacrifice?”