The Song in My Heart (15 page)

“Yes, I walked away because I was utterly devastated. Like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my life. It felt like there was nothing left. Even my girlfriend…”

Ah, the other half of Dess’s pain
, it occurred to Erika. “Don’t tell me your girlfriend left you? When you were sick?”

Dess nodded, her face a picture of anguish.

“But how could someone do that?” Outrage burst inside Erika. What kind of monster was this woman?

Dess shrugged, but there was no apathy in her voice, in her face. Her pain was stark, raw, unhealed by time. “She did. She was my manager. We’d been together for five years. She told me she couldn’t handle my illness, but I really think what she couldn’t handle were the paychecks that dried up, the phone not ringing anymore. So you see, I lost everything.”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Dess.” She let go of Dess’s hand and pulled her into a deep hug.

“There was too much loss, too much devastation,” Dess mumbled into her shoulder. “I didn’t have the confidence or the joy to go back into the business. I couldn’t face the pity, the questions, the reality that I couldn’t sing anymore. I guess I wasn’t brave enough. Christ, I wouldn’t even have known where to start.”

Erika released Dess but held her face in her hands, looking deeply in her eyes. “You are brave, Dess. You can do anything you want. You’re a survivor.”

“No,” Dess said, shaking her head. “I almost didn’t survive.”

“What do you mean? The cancer?”

“No, not just the cancer. I thought of ending it, even once I knew I could beat the cancer.” Dess’s face collapsed. Her breath came in hitches. “I had the pills to do it. And I almost used them.”

Erika pulled Dess into her again and let her cry, rocking her gently, rubbing her back in light circles as Dess emptied her pain. She knew exactly those feelings of utter desolation. Knew what it was like to have lost hope, to look out on a future that seemed to hold nothing but the promise of more pain.

After Dess cried herself out, Erika planted a tender kiss on her forehead. “I’m so glad you’re here. With me. And that you found your way again. It would have been a terrible loss for so many people if you hadn’t persevered.”

“Thank you,” Dess said, her voice strengthening. “I think I’m still finding my way.”

What Erika hoped for at that moment, with a feeling more powerful than she’d ever had in her life, was that Dess would keep finding her way. Not alone, but with
her
.

* * *

Breakfast of fresh fruit and yogurt made the need for conversation temporarily nonexistent. Dess was glad for the silence. She felt awkward about her little breakdown last night and her emotional confession. Erika had been gracious, completely understanding, selflessly tender in comforting her. They understood each other better now, but Dess still felt exposed and vulnerable, having confessed things only Sloane and Carol knew about her. She wasn’t used to revealing such raw weakness, of shedding light on the darkest corners of her soul. She was accustomed to having it all together, to commanding others—whether it was her backup band or her management team—and to slipping on a mask and functioning at an extremely high level no matter what problems or distractions pestered her. It was frightening to dredge up again that period of her life where she almost gave up, where she’d had such little control over what was happening to her.

She was saved from her self-pity when Erika suddenly cleared her throat and rested quivering hands on the table.

“There was something I neglected to share last night. And I should have. Especially after the things you confided in me.”

Dess was about to say it wasn’t necessary but stopped at the despair in Erika’s face.

“Thank you, by the way, for trusting me,” Erika said.

“I do trust you. And I meant what I said about wanting us to get to know each other better. Even when it’s difficult.”

“Good. Then I need to tell you…” Erika drew in a deep, shuddering breath, but her hands had stilled and her voice was firm. “When I told you about the bullying, about how kids treated me like I was a weirdo, and how my parents—they were so hard on me. So narrow minded and fixated on me being a successful pianist.”

“Yes?”

Tears sprang to Erika’s eyes. “God, they used to make me practice until my fingers were so sore, I couldn’t move them. They didn’t give me any time to play and have friends, even if the other kids had liked me. And girls…I knew by the time I was fourteen that I liked girls, but my parents would have thrown me out if they’d known. Being who I was inside was not an option.”

“Oh, Erika, I’m so sorry.”

“Wait. There’s more. I tried to kill myself, Dess. Not very seriously. Nothing that amounted to more than a few gouges on my wrist, but it was an attempt.”

“When?” Dess said, absorbing the pain behind Erika’s confession until it fused with her own. She couldn’t imagine the world having lost such a talent as Erika Alvarez. Thank God her attempt hadn’t been successful.

“My last year of high school. I didn’t try it again. I knew somehow if I could just hang on until I could escape to college, it would get better. And it did.”

“I’m so glad you did hang on.” Dess reached across the table and threaded Erika’s fingers through her own. “And I’m glad I did too. Let’s make a pact, right now.”

Erika’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she gave no opposition.

“Let’s agree that if either of us is ever feeling despondent again or feeling that things are too overwhelming, no matter what it’s about, no matter where we are or what time of the day it is, that we’ll talk about it. Together. Okay?”

Erika broke into a grin, and it was like storm clouds parting for the sun. “That sounds like a deal to me.”

Dess smiled. A weight had been lifted from her heart. “Who knew neither of us was perfect?”

* * *

They spent the afternoon working on their ballad, and suddenly the parts that had been difficult before seemed to have shifted to something much easier, Erika realized. The second and third verses had been their stumbling block, along with the little bridge on piano, but now, she felt sure, they’d nailed it.

Before Erika thought about what she was saying, she blurted out, “Why don’t you try singing it with me, Dess?”

The look of horror on Dess’s face made Erika realize the huge tactical mistake she’d made. Yet again. And just when they were beginning to build a true friendship.
Shit
. “I mean, a little bit of background harmony or something?”

“Erika, I—”

“I know you don’t sing anymore. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. But it’s just us. You don’t have to be afraid of how you sound.”

Tears welled in Dess’s eyes, and Erika scooted over beside her. They’d spread out on the floor of her apartment’s living room, sheet music scattered around them like fallen leaves. Erika put her arms around Dess and held her as she cried softly. Her shoulders were shaking as though she were standing in a cold rain, and Erika pictured her doing exactly that. Standing on a street corner, maybe downtown Chicago, in a cold gray rain, an umbrella doing little to ward off the showers and the chill. People passed her, ignoring her, and she looked so sad and lonely in Erika’s mind.

“Let me be your shelter,” Erika whispered, wanting it to be so.

Dess snuggled in closer. After a few moments, she raised her face to Erika, and Erika, with the soft pad of her thumb, brushed away the tears. Then she kissed the wet trails the tears had taken on their journey downward. Dess smiled, her face transforming into a look of peacefulness and capitulation.

“Let me love you,” Erika said as she gazed into Dess’s eyes. It was the purest, most heartfelt statement she’d ever made to anyone. She could love this woman to the ends of the earth. Could make love to her until every single feeling, everything that had ever mattered in her life, compressed into that single moment of shared orgasm.

“Yes. I’d like that.”

Erika didn’t wait for Dess to say more. Or to change her mind. She kissed the corners of her lips, her mouth, with every ounce of tenderness she felt for Dess. Desire exploded inside her, surging up her spine and through her chest. But it was much, much more than simple lust. Dess had unlocked something inside her that had wanted to spring out for so long, but didn’t know how. It was love, she knew. She’d been waiting for exactly the right woman who would understand her, who would love her back for who she was. She had so much love inside her, and she wanted to give it all to this gorgeous, smart, talented woman who was kissing her back with a passion equal to her own.

Sheets of paper crunched and crumpled under their weight as Erika eased Dess to the floor, her lips never leaving her mouth. She could kiss that mouth forever, those lips. Screw food and drink. Dess’s lips were all she needed for sustenance. She wanted to kiss her for hours, naked or clothed, it didn’t matter. Lying down, sitting down, standing up. She wanted to kiss Dess every which way. And not only on her beautiful mouth, but everywhere.

Dess moaned softly as Erika’s mouth slid over her throat. She kissed the sinewy muscles there. Kissed the faint scar from her cancer surgery. She kissed her way down that gorgeous, silky neck, felt Dess’s chest rise and fall faster as her kisses trailed further down her body. God, that body felt so wonderful beneath her—strong and supple at the same time. Warm and thrumming with desire.

Erika’s hand crept under Dess’s ribbed tank top and onto the flat of her stomach, where it lingered with soft, circular strokes. She loved the tiny flinch Dess’s stomach muscles made in response to each touch.
So responsive!
Dess was going to be so delicious, so sensuous, so perfect to make love to. Erika could almost taste it, could already feel the magic of it in her body.

Higher her hand traveled until it cupped a breast, and Erika suddenly knew without a doubt what heaven must be like. She felt herself grow wet as her thumb caressed Dess’s nipple through the lacy fabric of her bra. The nipple hardened immediately, and Dess invitingly arched her back, a clear signal she wanted Erika’s mouth on her. Her eyes were pinched shut and from her mouth came tiny, hungry moans. Oh, how Erika wanted to fill that hunger, wanted to give Dess everything she had to give until she cried out. She inched the tank top higher to expose the pink Victoria’s Secret bra. Through the expensive fabric, Dess’s nipples strained for release.

“Wait,” Dess squeezed out between breaths. Her hand gently came to rest on Erika’s forehead just as she was about to place her mouth against the lace covering her nipple.

“Anything, darling. Tell me what you want.”

“I—” Her breath came hard and fast. “I want you, Erika. I want to make love with you. But I’m afraid to go too fast. I—”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Erika tried to keep the disappointment from her voice. She wanted to make love to Dess. Urgently. So urgently, in fact, that she was within a breath of ripping that bra right off, shorts and underwear too, and having her way with her no matter how much Dess protested. But it was important that Dess set the pace, that her wishes be respected. If Dess didn’t want to rush things, then they wouldn’t rush things. “We’ll slow down, okay?”
Oh, God, what am I agreeing to?

Dess smiled up at her. “Why don’t we cool down with some dinner?”

It took all her willpower, but Erika crawled off Dess. She remained beside her, however. Lovingly, she stroked the side of her face. “I know a great Thai restaurant. And hey, why don’t we celebrate by going to a gay club later?”

“What are we celebrating?” Dess flashed her a coy look.

“Um, our newfound…intimacy?”
The fact that we’re going to be making love before the week is out?
The thought sent a fresh wave of excitement through Erika that threatened to annihilate her willpower. She was wet and throbbing, and it was almost too much to bear when her eyes made the mistake of drifting down to Dess’s lacy pink bra, which was still exposed. She could see the outline of Dess’s nipples, still hard, and it was all she could do not to drop her mouth onto them and suck them until Dess cried out for release.

Dess grinned at her, her eyes sparkling with a happiness that Erika had only seen before when she played the guitar. “I like the idea of the restaurant. But not the nightclub.”

Erika’s eyebrows posed the question why.

“I don’t want to wear that damned disguise I’ve been using for the concerts. Which means people might recognize me. I don’t want to risk that.”

“All right. I understand.” Erika kissed Dess’s cheek. “I just wanted to dance with you, that’s all.”

“I’d like that. A lot.” Dess grinned, and it was like an arrow pleasurably piercing Erika’s heart. “Why don’t we finish our date back here with your iPod? You must have some songs on that thing we can dance to.”

Erika smiled back at the woman she couldn’t get enough of. “Now you’re talking.”

“Just let me change first and we can go.”

“Need any help with that part?” Erika called after Dess. Her answer was the click of the door closing.

Chapter Thirteen

They parked Erika’s aging compact car—rust was forming around the wheel wells like sloppy wallpaper borders—and walked the three remaining blocks to the Thai restaurant. Dess nearly reached out to hold Erika’s hand, but stopped herself. They weren’t a couple, and holding hands would be getting ahead of themselves, she told herself, even as she fought the overwhelming urge.
It’s just that her hands are so beautiful, so soft and strong at the same time, and so nimble the way they play piano, so skilled the way they stroke my breasts… Oh God, get a grip, Dess, or you’re never going to make it through dinner!

“I know it’s a cliché, but a penny for your thoughts,” Erika said, surprising Dess with her uncanny ability to read her.

Oh, Jesus, I cannot tell her I was thinking about her touching my breasts!
“Who said I’m thinking about anything?”

“I can tell by the way that little line forms between your eyes and how your jaw gets a little tighter.”

Dess looked at Erika as she held the door to the restaurant open for her. A woman who noticed the smallest things about her was impressive. And something she definitely wasn’t used to. Dayna had never been able to read her.
Oh please, don’t let me think of that bitch tonight. Or ever again, for that matter.