The Song of Eloh Saga (119 page)

“She killed Bryden. You owe her nothing. She should mean nothing to you. Why did you even bother with her once you found out where she was? What on earth possessed you to go back?”

I stood still, stunned. She was right. I’d let my hope for a relationship get in the way. I crossed my arms across my chest, clutching the book. My hands formed fists. I was angry at her, angry with myself, and furious with my mother for fooling me. Even if she didn’t remember, she was using me again. All she really wanted was access to magic.

“I didn’t tell my mother how to disable the safeguards you set in place. I didn’t fully trust her, even though I really wanted to. As for why I went back to see her? I was looking for something that wasn’t there. My whole life I’ve wanted a normal family, one who loves me unconditionally. If I thought, even for a moment, that she could someday provide me with that, then I wasn’t a fool. I was a dreamer.”

“A dreamer who could get everyone killed.” Reychel didn’t budge from her spot.

“I didn’t compromise anything,” I said through gritted teeth. My magic stirred inside me, but I pushed it away.

“So you say. I’ll double my men on her. If she escapes, or worse yet, reverses the spell blocking her from her memory, we’re all in for a major battle. At least the Malborn are predictable. We know what they want and what they’re willing to do to get it. Your mother is a rogue player in this battle.”

“Do what you need to make sure she’s contained,” I said, clutching the book even tighter. “I’m sorry I did what I did, but it’s your mess to clean up. If I’d known the truth in the first place, I wouldn’t have visited her.”

“I just want this war over.” Reychel’s eyes fell. “I’ve been fighting since the morning of my fifteenth birthday. Twenty years later and I’m still fighting every second of the day. I hope you find what you need in that book, because I’m getting tired of all of this.”

“You’re not the only one.” I flicked my fingers and opened a portal to my chamber. “Are you coming with me?” I asked Chase. He nodded and walked to my side.

Mark chuckled. The three of us stared at him. “You and Reychel are so much alike. No wonder you don’t get along.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped through the portal. I was nothing like Reychel. I couldn’t even imagine how that comment made Chase feel. He arrived in my chambers only seconds after I did, then closed the portal behind him.

“Sorry about my parents.” Chase leaned over, pushed my hair aside, and kissed me on the forehead.

I waved my hand. “They’re fine. I suspect this is how a normal family works. Not like mine that gave me up for adoption, just to further their own evil plots, then my mother killed my boyfriend. I’d rather deal with yours than mine.”

I grabbed Chase’s hand, pulling him behind me toward the bed.

“I thought you were going to read the book.”

I gave him a sideways glance. “Don’t get too excited. I am going to read. It’s just more comfortable in bed than on a chair at the table.” His face fell. Clearly he’d been hoping for a little something more than just snuggling on the bed.

“I know, I know. Time is running out. The Malborn could be here soon.” Chase reclined on the bed, resting his head on his crossed arms.

I settled in next to him and opened the book Reychel gave me. “It looks like a journal. Written by a goddess?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Legend has it that Eloh was just as human as you and I. The gods chose her to bring two sons into the world. They were the first reborn with the gift in centuries. Then after her death, she ascended and became a goddess.

“How do you know? Just because someone said she did?” It was so frustrating to take their religion and try to translate it into my reality. I didn’t believe any of it, not as fervently as they did at least, and yet I had to understand it all to know what to do.

“It’s called faith, Lianne.” He shrugged.

I ran my fingers through my hair. “I have to turn your faith into my reality. I need facts. People could die if I don’t understand what to do!”

Chase wrapped his arms around me and set his chin on my shoulder. “People will die no matter what you do. You can’t control everything. You can’t save everyone.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Bryden’s face flashed in my mind. If only I could talk to him again. Maybe he’d know something. He might be able to help me. Maybe he could talk to these other dead people, these so-called gods and goddesses.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. You were thinking of Bryden, weren’t you?”

I nodded, my hair running up and down Chase’s cheek. He snuggled into me, my back nestled into his chest. “Remember how I told you I heard Bryden’s voice?” I hesitated to even bring it up. He’d gotten so upset when I tried before.

Chase took in a deep breath, his chest swelling up against me. Then he slowly let it out. “Yes, and it’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up to you. I’m the last person to judge anyone else on experiences they’ve had. My visions aren’t easily explained either. If you say you heard Bryden, then I believe you.”

A smile crept across my face. He couldn’t see it, but I hoped he’d hear it in my words. “I thought if we could contact him again, he could help us. Maybe he knows something.”

Chase tapped the book. “I thought we were looking for answers here.”

“I will. I am. It couldn’t hurt to have all the help we could get, you know?”

Chase’s grip on me loosened. He scooted backward, and then slipped off the bed behind me. I grabbed his hand. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“To get someone who can help you contact Bryden again.” His eyes didn’t betray any emotion. I wanted to know why he was offering now and why he didn’t offer the first time.

“Are you sure?” I squeezed his hand, but he didn’t return the gesture. This couldn’t be easy for him.

He nodded. “I’ll be back soon.” He left without another word, leaving me alone with Eloh’s diary. I took a deep breath and opened the first page.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I’d barely gotten past the recounting of Eloh’s life up until the moment she was chosen as an initiate, when Chase burst through the door. Frustrated because I hadn’t learned anything useful yet, I opened my mouth to yell at him until I realized someone was right behind him.

Xaxier. I took a deep breath, reminding myself he wouldn’t hurt me. It had all been an act. He’d been nothing but kind to me since Bryden’s death. He’d played the part of an eager torturer all too well.

“Hi.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Wasn’t there anyone in the castle who could connect me with the dead other than him? It made sense. He was their undertaker.

“Hello, Lianne. Chase said the two of you needed my help, but he didn’t elaborate. How can I help?”

I wanted to tell him to go away. I didn’t want him to be a part of contacting Bryden. Instead, I sat dumbly, exchanging a blank expression with Chase.

“He’s the only one, Lianne.” Chase’s veiled apology confirmed what I’d feared. We had no other choice.

“Can you help me contact Bryden? The night of Elessia’s funeral, he spoke to me in the cemetery.”

Xaxier’s eyebrows rose. “Really? I’d felt a presence that night, but I assumed it was Elessia. This is intriguing. The dead don’t normally make first contact with the loved ones they left behind. Usually the bereaved are the ones who reach out.”

“You can really speak to the dead?”

“I can.” He dipped his chin, and then straightened again. Humility lined his face. Interesting, he didn’t think his gift was one worth bragging about. “Some days it’s more of a curse then a blessing.”

“Can you talk to Eloh?”

Chase sucked in a deep breath. I’d probably spoken of something heretical. He should be used to it by now.

Xaxier chuckled. “No, Lianne. I can’t speak with the gods.”

“They’re dead, so why not? What makes them different?”

“They exist on a different plane. Not everyone who dies is elevated to godhood. They are given different abilities and responsibilities.”

I was confused. No one had ever explained it to me this way before. “Who decides who is a god and who is not?” I imagined an entire kingdom outside of my existence. Hierarchy, slavery, all of it mirroring life here.

“I don’t have an answer to that. I suspect only the gods and goddesses know. They haven’t bothered to fill me in. Plenty of people maintain faith in the face of mystery. I assume you’re questioning everything right now. That’s normal. Don’t feel ashamed.” Xaxier stole a quick glance at Chase. “And no one should make you feel guilty for it either. You are not born of our people. It is not your responsibility to understand our ways, much less our religion.”

I sighed, placing my hands in my lap. “Then can you help me speak to Bryden again? I assume he’s not a god.”

Xaxier smiled again. “He is not. He is in the world of spirits. He does watch over you though.”

“How do you know? Have you spoken with him?” It felt strange to talk about Bryden as if he’d moved to another country instead of dying.

“No, but I can feel his presence now. I can feel all of the dead. I merely need to think of them and I’m comforted by their spirits.” Xaxier walked toward me, his hands extended. “If you’re ready to start, we can contact him now.”

I nodded and joined hands with Xaxier. My sweaty palms glided over his clammy skin. I glanced up into his dark eyes, contrasting with the pale, almost translucent, skin of his face.

“Good. Keep looking into my eyes. Let go of your expectations and fears. Allow yourself just to be in this moment.”

I felt my thoughts calm as he continued to soothe me into a quiet lull. I closed my eyes.

A swirl of colors pulled me outside of my chambers, outside of my body, and into a realm I’d never entered. I panicked, and then felt an arm around my shoulder, helping me relax.

Lianne.

I’d know that voice anywhere.
Bryden.
I said it, or I thought I did. I wasn’t sure where, or what, I was. Everything felt different. I felt different.

A laugh vibrated through my body, but it wasn’t my laugh. It was his.
It’s me.

Are you always close to me?
I thought it. Or felt it. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I wasn’t talking, or fully in my body.

I’ve never left you.

Guilt washed over me. He’d never left? So he’d seen Chase and I become closer. Had he been watching when we made love? I wasn’t sure how, but I could still feel that he loved me. Nothing he’d seen or heard had changed that.

I know you still love me, Lianne.

Can you hear my thoughts now?

The sound like laughter coursed through me again.
It’s not hearing like when I was alive. It’s hard to describe. It’s similar to just knowing.

Do you miss me?

No.

My heart dropped to the floor and broke in a million pieces. I’d spent months mourning him. I put off my life because I couldn’t go on without him and he didn’t even miss me.

I’m with you always, Lianne. I can’t miss you because you and I are a part of each other. How can I miss that which is a part of my eternal being?

Relief replaced the grief.
I wish I could feel closer to you every minute of every day.

Then you wouldn’t live your life to the fullest. You wouldn’t love again. You wouldn’t get married and have children. You’d long only for me and you’d waste away to nothing until you died and joined me.

But then we’d be together again.

I couldn’t see Bryden, but somehow I knew he was shaking his head.
In the afterlife, we’re united with everyone we love. What we had together was beautiful. What you’ll experience after death isn’t the same. Lianne, we can never have again what we had before.

But I can feel all of it right now, Bryden! I still love you with all my heart.

That’s a human response fueled by emotion. You have to do the same thing I always asked you when I was alive. Trust in us, Lianne. Trust that we had a special time together, a time that will never come again. You must move on. Time will heal you. I promise.

But what if it doesn’t?

I felt him smile.
The healing has already begun. You’re able to love Chase.

I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry. I want you to live and love again. It’s not my permission you need. All you need is within, Lianne. Don’t convince yourself to hold back from love because of me. Love, laugh, live.

I promise I will.
I meant it, too. I’d been holding myself back. Scared of loving for fear of losing it all again. It wasn’t a veiled attempt to honor Bryden. I couldn’t lie to myself in this place.
Can you help me with what’s to come? Can you tell me what to do?

I can’t. I wish I could help you. The world is tearing itself apart, but I don’t know how to solve it. You have the strength inside you to do what’s right. Find it. Believe in it. Trust your instincts.