The Song of the Quarkbeast: Last Dragonslayer: Book Two (26 page)

‘It was just a thought.’

‘What if he were already married?’ came a voice. ‘What if an impressionable young girl had married him in secret against her better judgement and against the advice of her other, better suitor?’

We turned towards the person speaking. It was Once Magnificent Boo. She had taken refuge behind an upturned table. It took a moment to figure it out. Zambini, Blix and Boo had once been close, then fell out. If Boo had chosen Blix over Zambini, it would explain why.

‘You’re Mrs Blix?’ I asked.

‘When was this vision?’ she asked.

I told her it was just after she had won the seven golds at the Olympics. I saw her jaw tighten and she pulled her gloves off, revealing hands that were missing the index fingers. She looked at them, then at us. Then she stood up.

‘Hello, Conrad,’ she said, and we peered cautiously over the parapet of the fountain to see what would happen next.

‘Ah,’ he said, ‘Boo. You can leave. My argument is not with you.’

‘But mine,’ she replied, ‘is with you. I just heard that you sought a vision from Sister Yolanda and received one: that your wife – me – would be more powerful than you, and ultimately vanquish you?’

He swallowed nervously.

‘I was married. I was young. I was foolish. I was just
checking
.’

‘You wanted to check I wouldn’t be greater than you?’

‘No,’ he said in a quiet voice, ‘I wanted to check we’d be happy.’

Perkins, Tiger and I exchanged glances. Only a fool or someone in love asks a precog how things will turn out.

‘And you couldn’t be happy if I was better than you?’

Blix looked sheepish for a moment.

‘You had me kidnapped,’ she said slowly as she figured it out. ‘
You did this to me
.’

She showed him her hands and I saw him blanch for a moment as even he realised just how hideously cruel he had been.

‘I trusted you,’ she said, her voice only rising slightly as she kept herself under control, ‘and I could have been someone. We all could have been someone. You, me and Zambini – a force for good in this world. You didn’t just destroy me, you sabotaged a lifetime of research, discovery and the advance of magic as a noble art.
Do you have any idea what you have done
?’

We looked at Blix, waiting for an answer. There wasn’t one, of course.

‘Yeah, well,’ he said with a shrug, ‘we’ve already established I’m unpleasant, untrustworthy and . . . and . . . and—’

‘Devious?’ I suggested.

‘Devious. Right. So what are you going to do about it? You’ve got
nothing
. Two wizards in a room and only one of them has fingers. Not much of a stand-off, is it?’

‘I’ll find my fingers,’ she said in a low voice, ‘and they’ll still be as powerful today as when you had them removed in that lay-by. And when I get them, you’ll be sorry.’

‘You won’t find them,’ he said with a sneer, ‘I made them unfindable. No one can find them. Not even I could find them.’

And that was when
I
stood up, in full view of Blix, who could have turned me into stone in a second. This was the moment to act.

‘Lady Mawgon could find them,’ I said in a voice cracked with fear, ‘with the Wizard Moobin and Tiger with Perkins in reserve.’

‘Impossible!’ he said.

‘We were asked by the Mighty Shandar’s agent to find a ring that was missing. A ring that didn’t want to be found. But that wasn’t what they were
really
after.’

I paused as this sank in.

‘I only looked as far as the ring –
I never checked the small terracotta pot that it came in
.’

I brought the same small pot out of my bag, where it had lain since the Moose had over-surged, and upended it into my hand. The ring fell out first. A large ring, the sort that might fit on an index finger. Then dried dirt, a few scraps of material and finally – several human finger bones. Moobin was right; a ring has no power. The energy the Moose had extracted had come from Boo’s missing fingers. Not just her own natural energy, but a power augmented by three decades of loss, hatred, bitterness – and
betrayal
.

I think Blix knew the game was up, and I like to think there was just a small vestige of love in his dark heart that made him pause, lose the speed advantage, and ultimately the battle.

Maybe deep down he knew he had to atone.

Boo grasped my elbow tightly to reconnect once again with her lost fingers, and I felt a pulse of energy shoot down my forearm. My fist shut on the finger-bones so tightly my nails punctured my palm, but I didn’t feel the pain. In an instant Boo and Blix were locked in spell, and a wall of blue light welled up between them as they tried to break down each other’s defences. They struggled like this for some moments, grappling with one another. The heat and light increased, a heavy wind blew up, and a moment later there was a blinding concussion.

Aftermath

I may have been unconscious for a few moments; I don’t know. But when I came to, Boo was brushing herself down and replacing her lost fingers in the small terracotta pot. Blix had come off worse in the encounter and was now himself rendered perfectly in black granite, his last agonising yell of pain preserved for ever. Sister Yolanda’s prophecy had come true. They always do.

‘Well,’ said the the Magnificent Boo in a chirpy voice, ‘I think that turned out quite favourably, don’t you?’

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘yes, I think it did.’

‘Why do you think the Mighty Shandar wanted my fingers?’

‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘To push destiny? For more power? Maybe Shandar’s getting rid of those who might challenge him when he returns. Perhaps we’ve yet to find out. Magic works in mysterious ways.’

‘It certainly does.’

She turned to pick up her gloves and made to walk away.

‘Will you be coming back?’ I asked.

‘I have Quarkbeasts to feed. And they like their walkies.’

She gave me a smile.

‘Keep well, Miss Jennifer Strange.’

‘I will,’ I said, ‘thank you.’

She nodded, and walked away.

The formerly stone Kazam staff were stretching themselves after their brief incarceration. A thousand years or eight seconds feels the same when in stone, so I think they were very glad to see Tiger and myself unchanged – and Blix in granite, of course.

‘That was very, very brave, Samantha,’ I heard Moobin say once Tiger had explained what had happened.

‘Thank you,’ she said, ‘but can I just point out that you don’t pronounce the “A” . . .’

‘You!’ said Lady Mawgon, whose capacity to harangue did not seem to have been diminished by her imprisonment. ‘I am hungry. Instruct Cook to make me a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea. I shall be in my room. Don’t forget to knock, and if the sandwich is unsatisfactory I will send it back.’

And she glided off out of the Palm Court.

‘Back to normal, eh?’ said Tiger.

‘Back to normal.’

There was a lot of explaining to do to everyone, and word soon came through from Lord Tenbury that the general magic amnesty had been signed by the King. The day’s spelling would not require any paperwork at all, for which I was very glad. Everyone in the building of any power, whether licensed or not, took advantage of this and contributed to finishing the bridge – it was completed in twenty-three minutes and was open for traffic by teatime. Now that we knew the passthought, we could use the stored crackle to carry out much-needed repairs to Zambini Towers. By the time the Dibble Storage Coils were once again empty, the old building shone like a new pin under a fresh coat of paint, revarnished wood and polished brass. The Palm Court was once more full of lush tropical vegetation and the central fountain, dry for over six decades, gurgled into life. We even restocked the wine cellar and reinstated the elevators, but kept the service lift empty and free-fall-enabled, just for fun.

Over an extended afternoon tea I had to repeat the story of the trip up to Trollvania about six times as news of Zambini was sparse, and everyone wanted to know how he was.

At five I was in a press conference, and after that I fielded a few work calls from new clients who had seen what we had done that afternoon. If things got busier, we were going to need to license more sorcerers.

‘A busy day,’ said Perkins, who dropped into the office when things were finally beginning to calm down.

I smiled.

‘
Very
busy.’

‘Too busy for that date at the Dungeon Rooms?’

I didn’t hesitate.

‘Not at all – I’d like that very much.’

‘Lobby at seven, then – and without Tiger.’

‘No Tiger,’ I said, ‘promise.’

So I went and had a bath and changed into my second-best dress – I didn’t wear my very best as I wanted to keep that in reserve.

I wasn’t waiting in the lobby for long. Perkins arrived dressed in a suit, and dotted around the lobby were most of the residents, all eager to see us walk out together.

‘You’re looking very lovely,’ he said.

‘Thank you.’

He held the door open.

‘Wait!’

It was Tiger, running from the direction of the office and holding a sheet of paper.

‘I’m off duty,’ I told him, ‘for the first time in four years.’

‘But—’

‘No buts. Off duty.’

I smiled at Perkins as he took my arm and escorted me outside to where my Volkswagen was waiting, the Quarkbeast already sitting on the rear seat with a red ribbon tied around its neck in a vain attempt to make it look less fearsome. Perkins opened the driver’s door for me, and I paused for a moment.

‘Perky, would you excuse me just a moment?’

‘Sure.’

I dashed back in and found Tiger walking to the office. A date with Perkins would be fun, but Mystical Arts Management was in my blood, and I needed to know what was going on.

‘What’s up, Tiger?’

‘The Tralfamosaur escaped,’ he said, greatly relieved. ‘It’s loose somewhere between here and Ross.’

‘Anyone eaten?’

‘Two railway workers and a fisherman.’

I clapped my hands together.

‘Okay, we’re going to need Lady Mawgon, Full Price and the Magnificent Boo. Have everyone outside in ten minutes ready for the off, and fetch emergency pack Alpha with several sarcastic light globes and a ball of enchanted string. I’m going to go and change.’

I found Perkins waiting for me as I ran towards the elevators.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘it’s the Tralfamosaur. Do you mind if I . . . ?’

He smiled.

‘Go. But we’ll do this again, yes?’

‘We’ve lots of time,’ I replied with a smile, ‘a lifetime of times, I hope.’

The end of the story

No need to panic. We caught the Tralfamosaur – eventually.

Lord Tenbury was as good as his word, and all charges against the sorcerers were dropped. None of those in the daisy-chain faced as much as an interview. The King had learned his lesson by now and for the most part left us well alone – we didn’t really cross swords again until the Spoilt Royal Princess Episode, and the 5th Troll War, of course.

The bridge at Hereford stands there still, and looking at it you would never know that it had ever fallen down and been rebuilt, a testament to the potential of Wizidrical Civil Engineering Projects.

The Magnificent Boo never came to live at Zambini Towers, but we saw much of her in the years that followed, and she continued her research into the Quarkbeast with extraordinary results. Tchango Muttney and Dame Corby became full members of Kazam and were elevated to ‘Amazing’ status the following March, the same time as Lady Mawgon became ‘Astonishing’ and Moobin ‘Remarkable’. iMagic was disbanded, and although we did eventually bring the mobile phone network back online, it had to wait until after we had finished reactivating medical scanners, radar and microwave ovens.

Prince Nasil and Owen of Rhayder were grounded for a number of months until we managed to source some angel’s feathers to rebuild their rugs – something that became a small adventure in itself. Mother Zenobia was returned from stone just in time for her to go
back
to stone for her ‘afternoon nap’. We still see much of her, and value her wise counsel.

Perkins is still learning as he works, and as far as I can see, learning well. For her stalwart yet rash bravery during the final Blix showdown, Smantha Flynt was granted a full cadetship at Kazam, ‘no matter how long it took’. She has still to get her magic licence, despite the Useless Brother’s insistence that she should have a licence anyway, ‘for being so utterly captivating’. She has turned him down for marriage sixty-seven times, proving perhaps that she is not
quite
as stupid as we think.

Tiger is still learning about running the company, and if Zambini does not appear by the time I am eighteen, will take over from me then. He will be good at it, and likely better than I.

As for the once All Powerful Conrad Blix, we donated him to the Hereford Museum, where he can still be seen to this day. His perfidious exploits are outlined for all to read, and his unseeing granite form is insulted and derided by the many schoolchildren who pass him every day. His attempt to murder half the residents of Hereford and seize the throne is often talked about, and his lack of compassion, rampant greed and murderous intent are often compared to those of his mad evil genius grandfather, Blix the Hideously Barbarous.

It’s what he would have wanted.

Jennifer Strange will be back in:

The Return of Shandar

About the author

Jasper Fforde is the critically acclaimed author of
The Last Dragonslayer, Shades of Grey
, the Nursery Crime books:
The Big Over Easy
and
The Fourth Bear
, and the Thursday Next novels:
The Eyre Affair
,
Lost in a Good Book
,
The Well of Lost Plots
,
Something Rotten
,
First Among Sequels
and
One of Our Thursdays is Missing
.