The Space Between Us (8 page)

  
“I was eleven, Bit, and I had just lost my best friend. It felt natural for us to become close, to hang out all the time and goof off. And I did just think of you as a friend. But even back then I knew that if another boy had tried to befriend you it would have made me angry. Slowly, as time passed, I began to see you as more than just my friend, just the girl down the street. I couldn't help the way my body responded to you.  I couldn't control the thoughts I was having. I tried to. I really did. Then we spent the summer apart and for me, everything was different.”

  
He looked up at me then, and I saw a mixture of happiness and apprehension in his eyes. I wanted him to continue, wanted him to know that I wanted to hear the rest. I scooted over on the bed and took his hand in mine; a move I never thought I would have the courage to execute.

He looked down at our hands and moved his fingers to slide down and fit perfectly in between mine. My hand looked ridiculously small against his, but it also looked wonderful.

   “Before I left, the idea of you being here without me drove me crazy. I fought with my parents, trying to get them to let me stay. I used really lame excuses, like wanting to get a summer job or even taking summer classes, when really I just didn't want to leave you. If I wasn't here to fend them off, I knew the boys would start coming around.” I had to laugh because it was ridiculous. Luckily, Asher smiled at my laughter. “Then I left and I swear I thought about you every day, Charlie. I missed you. I missed my best friend, but I also missed the girl who I wanted to spend all my time with. We've always been inseparable and that time away from you was hard.”

  
“I missed you too,” I said softly. He gave me a small smile.

  
“Then I came home to a completely different Bit than I left,” he said as he stood up, letting go of my hand. “Something happened to you over the summer. I'm sure if I had been here every day the difference wouldn't have seemed so drastic, but it was like you had changed overnight. And all of a sudden every guy was noticing you.” He paced around my room and all I could do was watch him nervously walk from one end to the other. I had no idea what to say or do.

  
“When I pushed that guy against the locker, that first day of school, I knew I was in over my head. I am not proud of what I did to him, but in that moment I couldn't control myself. I instantly knew every thought he was having about you in his mind because I was having the same thoughts. I knew how much he wanted you, because I wanted you just as much, if not more. So I decided to just step back a bit. I couldn't go around pounding every guy who looked at you, even though I desperately wanted to. As far as I could tell you weren't interested in any of them, so I tried to stay out of it, tried to reign in my feelings.

  
“But I'm not sure I can do it anymore, Charlie. I can't keep the way I feel about you locked up inside of me anymore.” He stopped pacing and looked at me, a question in his eyes. I tried to take in everything he was telling me. I wasn't really surprised. On some level I had known that our relationship was slowly changing.  It was just time to come to terms with the fact that we would probably no longer be the same friends that we started out as when we were eleven.

  
“What do you want from me?” I asked honestly. I didn't know where to go from here.

  
“For starters, I just want to know how you feel. You know, about me. About us.”

  
In this moment, I felt like I stood on a cliff. I was on the edge of the rest of my life and everything after this conversation depended on what I was about to say. Everything felt wildly important and that stressed me out.

  
“How can you promise me that after this, after we spill out everything we feel for each other, we won’t ruin our friendship? Because I will take your friendship over anything, Asher. You're the best friend I've ever had and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.” I felt panic rising in my voice even as I spoke about us losing what we had. My hands started to shake and regular breaths were stolen from me, replaced with shaky and shallow inhalations posing as breathing.

  
I felt him wrap his arms around me. My cheek pressed into his chest as he held me, his chin resting on the top of my head. I took a few breaths, very aware of the clean yet spicy scent coming from him.

  
“There's nothing that could happen that would take away our friendship, Bit. I wouldn't let anything take you away from me.” His lips moved against my hair and I felt myself calm with his words. “If you don't feel the same way about me, if you aren't having the same trouble I am keeping everything on the friend level, I will get over it. I will accept whatever it is you have to say and I will try to move on, and we can go back to being just friends.”

  
“And you want honesty, right?”

  
He chuckled and I felt it vibrate through his shirt. I pulled back to look up at him and saw him smiling.

  
“I was hoping I could insist on it,” he answered. I pulled farther away from him so that there was a little space between us.

  
“Last night was so wonderful, Asher. You have to know that, if anything, I ran away from you because I was feeling too much.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes, trying to gauge his reaction. All I saw was a smile and a dimple. That alone made me feel a little better about baring my soul. “I haven't had any of these problems you've been having. I haven't really ever given it much thought. I've always been yours. There's never been a question for me. If anyone had me, it was you.” I watched his smile grow bigger, the dimple becoming even more pronounced in his cheek. “But,” I said loudly, trying to make sure he knew I wasn't finished. “I'm not sure where to go from here. My Dad won't let me date and if last night is any indication, I need things to go slowly. So, it seems to me like this might all be a little premature to even be talking about.” I saw his shoulders slump and, to be honest, mine did too.

  
“I'm not saying things need to change, Bit. I am fine being your friend, for now. Even now, as friends, I still get to be near you, hug you, and maybe even hold your hand sometimes,” he said as he slid his hand into mine and linked our fingers. I felt a shy smile come over my face. “But,” he stopped mid-sentence and let out a frustrated groan.

  
“What is it?” I asked, his sudden mood swing concerned me.

  
“Honesty, right?”

  
I nodded at him, eagerly waiting to hear what was upsetting him.

  
“I just want to see if you wouldn't mind waiting for me too.”

  
“Waiting for you?” I couldn't understand what he was asking.

  
“Be my friend. Be the same Bit you always are. But I need to know that when you can, and when you're ready, you'll be with me.”

  
I tilted my head to the side slightly.

  
“You want me to promise you that we'll be together eventually?”

  
“Ok, that might have come out wrong,” he said sighing and shaking his head, sounding frustrated. “What I want is to be sure that I'm not in this alone. The last thing I would want is to be feeling all of this for you, waiting – patiently – and for you to be on a completely different page. I guess I just want to be sure that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you.”

  
“Asher, I've never had a boyfriend.  I've never held hands with anyone.  And I've never examined my feelings for anyone like I have with you. Whatever this is between us, I’m sure I want it and I want it to be with you.”

   The smile that spread across his face was priceless and it made me smile as well.

Chapter Six

   The next few weeks passed with ease and each day brought new and exciting things for Asher and me.  He respected my need to not advertise our feelings for each other in public, but I couldn’t help but smile when he would hold a door open for me, or place his hand on my back as we walked down the hall at school.  All of these things could very well have happened before the dance, but with our newfound semi-relationship status, everything that used to be normal was now amplified.

   It wasn’t until the week before school was out that things were brought to an abrupt halt.

   I heard the doorbell ring and couldn’t help the rolling of my eyes. Either there was a delivery person on my doorstep or Asher rang it just to irritate me.  I listened to its never-ending dinging as I walked to the front door.  When I pulled the door open and saw Asher standing on the other side, I knew something was wrong.

   “Hi.  What’s wrong?  You look really upset.”  I pulled the door open all the way and stepped back, silently inviting him to come in.

   “Can we go for a walk?  Maybe go to the school for a little while?”

   I grabbed my keys and closed the door.  We made it half way to the school and he hadn’t said a word.  I was really beginning to worry.

   “Asher, please tell me what’s going on,” I asked softly.  He looked over at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes. 

   “Let’s wait until we get to the school.”  I nodded, but reached over and took his hand in mine, giving it a small squeeze.  We walked hand in hand the rest of the way and even though I was concerned about whatever was upsetting Asher, I was also fighting butterflies in my stomach knowing this was the first time we held hands since the dance.  We were out in public, holding hands, and the idea of what it meant made me feel like I was floating.

   We made it to the playground of our elementary school and we sat on swings next to one another.  We swayed to and fro in silence.  I tried to sit and wait patiently, letting him tell me on his own.  Eventually he let out a loud breath so I turned to look at him.

   “My parents are sending me away again this summer.”

   “What?”  All the butterflies which previously had been swarming around my stomach were now replaced with an immediate emptiness that hallowed out my entire being.  He dropped my hand, only exaggerating the feeling of loneliness, and stood up to pace in front of the swing set.

   “My grandfather needs help again this summer and my parents are making me go.  We fought about it all night.  There’s nothing I can do.”  He looked over at me, his sadness now mirroring my own.  “I’m sorry, Bit.”

   “Wow.  That really sucks.”  It wasn’t the best response I could give, but it was honest.

   “I know,” he replied.  We were both silent for a little while.  “What are we going to do?”  He finally said.

   “What is there
to
do?”  I held my hands up to indicate surrender.  “We’ll do what we did last year.  Ride it out and have a happy reunion at the end of summer.”  He stood in front of me and I put my feet in the bark to stop my swaying motion.  His gray eyes were striking as he looked down at me.

   “I don’t want to be away from you for that long.”  Welcome back, butterflies.

   “Asher, everything will be ok.  It’s only a couple months.  We’d be bored here anyway.  How many times can we sit under the bridge or play basketball?”

   “I don’t care what we do, Bit.  You know that.  I just want to spend time with you.”  He was really sullen now, and even though I was upset that he was leaving hearing how much he was going to miss me made the situation a little more bearable.

   “There’s nothing you or I can do about it.  Being angry won’t fix anything.  Last year we hardly spoke while you were gone.  Maybe this year we can, I don’t know, write letters or something.  We don’t have to be totally separated.”

   “Just because we didn’t talk doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about you all the time,” he said, flatly, making me laugh.

   “When did you get so open with your emotions?” I said between giggles.  “You’ve never been this mushy about anything.  Ever.” In the last few weeks he’d said more romantic things to me than I’d ever heard him say.  I regretted my comment before it was completely out of my mouth, but could do nothing to stop it from being uttered.  I saw his face still and his eyes glaze over with what seemed to be a mixture of sadness and frustration.  He crossed his arms over his chest.  He stared at me for a few minutes and I could see the sadness creep across the features of his face.

   “Asher-“

   “I think I need to go home,” he said curtly and turned to walk back towards the alley.

   “Asher.”  I stood up from my swing and followed him.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Will you please stop and talk to me?”  I talked to his back as he kept walking, not giving me any indication that he was going to let me apologize to his face.  “Asher, stop.  Let me apologize.”  He turned around so quickly that I almost ran into his chest. 

   “You don’t need to apologize, Charlie.”  I cringed at the use of my given name.  It felt wrong coming from his mouth.  For almost a year I had been almost exclusively Bit.  “If you don’t want me to talk about how I feel about you, I won’t.  It’s that simple.  I thought we were on the same page.  I thought that my going away for an entire summer would bother you in some way, but I’m glad we’ve straightened this out.”

   “Calm down, please.  I’m sorry,” I said, honestly.  “This is all new to me too.  I’ve never heard you talk like this before.  It just caught me off guard.  Please don’t be mad.”  I very cautiously reached down to where his hand lay at his side.  I took just the tips of his fingers in mine, hoping he wouldn’t pull away.  When he let me take it, I moved my hand to fully embrace his palm, squeezing it once our hands were fully linked.  “We are on the same page, Asher.  It does bother me that we’ll be apart for the summer.  I’m not going to miss my best friend this summer, I’m going to miss the first boy who ever held my hand, the first boy who ever danced with me.  I’m going to miss you.”

   I saw him breathe out a sign of relief.  He pulled me into him and I welcomed the comfort of his chest pressed against my cheek.  His arms around my shoulder felt heavy and perfect.

   “Are we ok?”

   “Yeah, Bit.  We’re ok.”

   And we were.  He went away for the summer and we both got acquainted with emails.  We shared a few phone calls throughout the summer and I was beyond ecstatic when one of the phone calls came on my birthday.  I never doubted that he would remember, but it meant a lot more this year than it had in the past.  We never lacked for anything to talk about, there were never any awkward pauses, and we never stopped missing each other.