The Spellmans Strike Again (40 page)

Ladies and germs,
¹

I would like you to know that I had a good life. I also had a long life, for a man who had no interest in the
²
exercise and ate deli meats several times a week.

Here are some things I know for sure that I thought I’d share with you: If you haven’t said “I love you” to someone today, do it. You won’t always be happy, but you should try to be. Don’t be too afraid of germs. Those people have no fun. Remember to look around sometimes. You might see something you haven’t seen before or at the very least avoid being hit by a flying object. Speaking of flying objects, don’t spend your life looking for extraterrestrial life, unless you work for NASA. Remember that you always have to cooperate with someone. Life is an endless negotiation. Play fair. Stay out of jail. Don’t live in the past. Eat breakfast. It really is the most important meal of the day. Try to make new friends, even when you think you’re too old to do that. And remember me as that handsome, funny man who liked to have a good time. Do me a favor: Take care of Ruthy for me. Whatever she asks you to do, do it. I’m watching you.

And finally, remember this: “Yes” is always a better word than “no.” Unless, of course, someone has just asked you to commit a felony.

When I stepped outside, a thick layer of fog had rolled in that sent a chill through me. Henry gave me his coat and we moved on to the next phase of Morty’s memorial, which naturally involved consuming large amounts of deli food.

Because Morty wrote his own eulogy, I never had the chance to write my own. My eulogy would have been brief. I would have mentioned all the good work he had done in his lifetime, including keeping me out of jail. I would have thanked him for all the lunches, even the ones I didn’t enjoy. And I would have told him that I learned many things from knowing him. For instance, you should keep dental floss on you at all times; when your eyesight goes, quit driving; don’t keep too many secrets, eventually they’ll eat away at you. But the most valuable lesson he taught me was this: Every day we get older, and some of us get wiser, but there’s no end to our evolution. We are all a mess of contradictions; some of our traits work for us, some against us.

And this is what I figured out on my own: Over the course of a lifetime, people change, but not as much as you’d think. Nobody really grows up. At least that’s my theory; you can have your own.

APPENDIX

Dossiers

Albert Spellman

Age: 65

Occupation: Private investigator

Physical characteristics: Six foot three; large (used to be larger, but doctor put him on a diet); oafish; mismatched features; thinning brown/gray hair; gives off the general air of a slob, but the kind that showers regularly.

History: Onetime SFPD forced into early retirement by a back injury. Went to work for another retired-cop-turned-private-investigator, Jimmy O’Malley. Met his future wife, Olivia Montgomery, while on the job. Bought the PI business from O’Malley and has kept it in the family for the last thirty-five years.

Bad Habits: Has lengthy conversations with the television; lunch.

Olivia Spellman

Age: 57

Occupation: Private investigator

Physical characteristics: Extremely petite; appears young for her age; quite attractive; shoulder-length auburn hair (from a bottle); well groomed.

History: Met her husband while performing an amateur surveillance on her future brother-in-law (who ended up not being her future brother-in-law). Started Spellman Investigations with her husband. Excels in pretext calls and other friendly forms of deceit.

Bad Habits: Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other people’s conversations.

Rae Spellman

Age: 17̳

Occupation: Senior in high school/assistant private investigator

Physical characteristics: Petite like her mother; appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy blond hair; freckles; tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

History: Blackmail; coercion; junk-food obsession; bribery.

Bad Habits: Too many to list.

David Spellman

Age: 35

Occupation: Lawyer

Physical characteristics: Tall, dark, and handsome.

History: Honor student; class valedictorian; Berkeley undergrad; Stanford law. You know the sort.

Bad Habits: Makes his bed every morning; excessively fashionable; wears pricey cologne; drinks moderately; reads a lot; keeps up on current events; exercises.

Henry Stone

Age: 45

Occupation: San Francisco police inspector

History: Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing persons case three years ago. Before that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying woman, and did a lot of tidying up.

Bad Habits: Doesn’t eat candy; keeps a clean home.

Mort Schilling

Age: 85

Occupation: Semiretired defense attorney

Physical characteristics: Short with scrawny legs and small gut; enormous Coke-bottle glasses; not much hair.

History: Worked as a defense attorney for forty years. Married to Ruth for almost sixty years.

Bad Habits: Sucks his teeth; talks too loud; stubborn.

Maggie Mason

Age: 36

Occupation: Defense attorney

Physical characteristics: Tall; slender; long, unkempt brown hair.

History: Dated Henry Stone; they broke up. Rae introduced her to David, and they began dating.

Bad Habits: Keeping baked goods in pockets; saying “you people”; camping.

Connor O’Sullivan (Ex-boyfriend #12)

Age: 39

Occupation: Barkeep

Physical characteristics: Tall; dark haired; blue eyed; a little too handsome for his own good.

History: Took over the Philosopher’s Club from previous owner Milo.

Bernie Peterson

Age: Old

Occupation: Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, annoying sublet tenants.

Physical characteristics: A giant mass of human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

History: Was a cop in San Francisco; retired; married an ex-showgirl; moved to Las Vegas; moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him; reconciled; moved back to Las Vegas. Repeat.

Bad Habits: Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has it.

And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me:

Isabel Spellman

Age: 32

Occupation: Private investigator/one-time bartender

Physical characteristics: Tall; not skinny, not fat; long brown hair; nose; lips; eyes; ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. I look okay, let’s leave it at that.

History: Recovering delinquent; been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.

Bad Habits: None.

Answers to Demetrius Quiz

1) A and D

2) True and False

3) C

4) D?

5) C

6) A

7) C

8) C!

9) D

10) C

Answers to Bridal Shower Quiz

1)
Penthouse

2) Three times. However, he uses an at-home whitening kit at least once a month.

3) Little toe

4) I don’t know. I’m still trying to find out.

5) Slayer

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I’ve set a precedent for lengthy acknowledgments, but this time I’m going to cut back. Most of these people have been thanked at length in the previous documents. Please note: I am not in any way feeling less grateful this time around, I simply want you to get through this page without requiring a nap or a lunch break.

First and foremost, I must thank my brilliant editor, Marysue Rucci, and my amazing agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. You both are not just colleagues, but friends. I am very lucky.

Many other wonderful people at S&S must be acknowledged: Carolyn Reidy, David Rosenthal (aka Dr. Ira), Victoria Meyer, Deb Darrock, Aileen Boyle, Sophie Epstein, Michael Selleck, Leah Wasielewski, Jonathan Evans, and Nicole De Jackmo; and my new publicity team, Julia Prosser and Danielle Lynn. You all have been very good to me and I am extremely grateful.

At Levine Greenberg Literary Agency: Jim Levine, Dan Greenberg, Monika Verma, Melissa Rowland, Elizabeth Fisher, Miek Coccia, Sasha Raskin, Lindsay Edgecomb. You are all far too wonderful.

My mother, Sharlene Lauretz: thank you for everything.

My family: Bev Fienberg, Mark Fienberg (reluctantly, I’m still holding a grudge), Dan Fienberg, Jay Fienberg, Anastasia Fuller, Uncle Jeff, and Aunt Eve. If I haven’t mentioned you, that doesn’t mean we’re not related or that I don’t appreciate you.

My friends, who help me survive everything: Morgan Dox, Steve Kim, Julie Ulmer, Peter Kim, Carol Young, Frank Marquardt, Stephanie Dennis, and Charlie R. Merci. This list could be endless, so I’m merely mentioning the people that I’ve harassed the most in the past year.

Other people: Once again, I must thank the booksellers who shove my book into unsuspecting customers’ hands, as if not reading it might cause a severe rash to break out. As promised, thank you, Scott Butki for your endless support. Also, thank you to the wonderful media escorts who help me survive the tour and remind me where I am and where I’m supposed to go.

Last but not least in any way: Dave Hayward, my friend/subordinate: I’m pleased to announce you have been named employee of the year. A fruit basket will be forthcoming.

1
Miami, specifically.

2
Ex-boyfriend #12, Connor O’Sullivan, bartender by day, bartender by night.

3
Eighty-five years old, to be exact.

1
The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans
—all available in paperback!

2
The parental unit claims to have plans for their retirement, but so far none sound even remotely plausible.

3
Her words, not his.

4
Finger quotes.

5
Excellent for two reasons: 1) Business is a bit slow and so there’s not that much work for Rae anyway; 2) Mom wouldn’t mind another person with a graduate degree in the family.

6
An evil PI who needs taking down.

1
Yes, we think of everything.

2
Like you’re supposed to!

3
Don’t ask. I didn’t.

4
My regular bar for years. Now with the added perk that I’m dating the barkeep, so my drinks are almost always free. Except when he’s mad at me, which is fairly often. Let me recalculate: My drinks are free about 60 percent of the time.

1
Thirty-year-old Glenlivet. If you’re not paying for it, go for the best, is my motto.

1
I’m speaking of people from the U.S. I’m not commenting on the Canadians. I wouldn’t dare lump us into the same category.

1
The unfortunate name of Morty’s retirement community.

1
See previous documents for examples.

2
Come to think of it, I never did send a thank-you card for Fake Drug Deal #1.

1
A lie, I know. But I wasn’t in the mood to tell Connor about Prom Night 1994.

1
None of your business!

2
Finger quotes are hard to do while driving, but I felt they were necessary.

1
Heads of insurance companies, please don’t assume I’m implying anything about you as a group.

1
Namely adultery, when he was married to Petra.

2
Actually, I didn’t. But I thought it best not to ask.

1
Yes. That’s what they call it. It’s just like any other kind of room where you can sit and stuff.

2
Let us not forget that this is an undercover operation and the employment hierarchy should reflect that.

3
E-mails. Mr. Winslow had an account, but typically a member of his staff would access his e-mail and print the correspondences.

4
Sorry, it’s really just easier to type “Len.”

1
No, not the real reason; but if I didn’t tell Connor about Prom Night 1994, I’m certainly not going to tell Gerard.

1
Crack cocaine is sold in different sizes of “rocks.”

2
“No speaking today!”

3
All on his business card.