The Spiral Path (56 page)

"Almost never." He got into
the driver's seat, feeling a little better for the fact that in spite of
everything, they were still friends.

CHAPTER 33

T
he
mountains of northern New Mexico might have been on another planet from
the London sidewalk where Nigel Stone had ambushed Kenzie. Rainey relaxed into
the bucket seat, content to admire the molten colors gilding the austere
landscape as the sun slid behind the hills. Still trying to process all he'd
told her, she asked, "Did your mother's pimp try to get you back?"

"No, even if Rock had known I was
with Trevor, he couldn't have traced me. It's a furtive, cash-only kind of
business. Neither buyers nor sellers use real names and addresses. From Rock's
point of view, I just vanished. He might well have decided I wasn't worth
bothering with--I was almost too old to appeal to the pedophile trade."

Rainey shuddered. Even Kenzie's supreme
detachment couldn't reduce her horror at the life he'd been forced into.
"Do you have any idea what happened to Rock? A really long jail sentence
would have been nice."

"A couple of years after I escaped
the life, Rock was knifed to death in a bar. I wouldn't have known, except by
then I was doing well with my reading lessons, and my tutor had me reading a
daily newspaper. Rock was just a small story on a slow news day."

"How did you feel when you saw he
was dead?"

His mouth tightened. "I was so
happy that I totally lost the ability to speak for about ten minutes. My only
regret was that he probably died quickly."

So he wasn't completely detached.
"I don't suppose Nigel is likely to be knifed."

"I don't hate him the way I did his
father," Kenzie said slowly. "The poor devil had a miserable
childhood. His father was a monster, and his mother a drunk who knocked him
around. He used to hide in movie theaters just like I did. It couldn't have
been easy for him to claw out an education and become a successful
reporter."

"You're amazingly forgiving."

"Not forgiving, exactly, but I'm
aware that in many ways, I was luckier than Ned. Despite all her problems, my
mother was a loving person, when she wasn't strung out. Once Trevor took me in,
I was raised by wise, cultured old men who took pride in teaching and guiding
me. It was like having a dozen kindly godfathers. I doubt there has ever been
much kindness in Ned's life."

"Given how vicious he can be, who'd
want to get close enough to be kind?" She wondered if Kenzie was as free
from anger as he seemed, or whether a molten river of rage flowed through the
depths of his soul. Maybe he owed his survival to an ability to let go of what
couldn't be changed.

Since the atmosphere was relaxed, she
asked, "Why do you hate the idea of children so much? You're great with
kids, both fans and the child actors you've worked with. I'm not trying to
change your mind, just trying to understand. You thought I wouldn't want kids
for the same reason you didn't."

He slowed and turned left into a
narrower road. "From what I've seen of people who've survived wretched
childhoods, some react by wanting to have children of their own. Raising their
kids as they wish they'd been raised is a way of fixing the past. Others can't
bear the thought of revisiting childhood under any circumstances. I fall into
that category. I thought you did, too."

"I did when I was younger, but in
the last few years, I've realized that I want to fix the past, just as you
said." She gazed out the side window. "Like your mother, Clementine
could be wonderful and warm, but she spent most of her time on the road,
performing. Even when she was home, she always seemed to be busy with work and
her ... overactive social life." There'd been a succession of nurses and
housekeepers to take care of little Rainbow, but none had been her mother.

"I'd lie awake at night, hoping to
see her. If I heard her come in, I'd patter out to say hello." Though
first she'd make sure Clementine wasn't high or with a lover. "She'd laugh
and put me to bed, and sing a song if I was lucky." Rainey sighed.
"I've sworn that if I ever have children, I'll take them along when I do
location work. I want them to feel loved and protected. I want them to know
that they matter." She stopped, realizing how much she revealed. Well, if
she wanted to be more open with Kenzie, this was a good place to start.

"It takes a lot of giving to raise
a child well. I don't have enough in me to do that," he said bleakly.
"The thought of having children is ... painful beyond description."

Any hope she'd cherished that he might
change his mind died. Wanting to drop the subject, she asked, "Did you
used to wonder what it would be like to have a real father? I did all the
time." Her cold, critical grandfather hadn't been much of a role model for
fathering. "It was only after talking with you a couple of months ago that
I found the courage to hire that detective I told you about."

"Has he found out anything
new?"

She told him about Mooney's latest
report. When she was done, Kenzie remarked, "A studio executive is on the
list? That might explain your desire to run your own show."

"A hereditary desire to give
orders? Maybe, though I suspect that most actors fantasize being the one in
control. Don't you?"

"Not really." His voice
roughened. "I hate being controlled, but I don't want to control others,
either. Too much responsibility. I just want to be ...
free.
Not in
anyone's power." More moderately, he continued, "One thing that
appealed to me about acting was being my own boss. If I didn't want to take a
role, I could always support myself driving a taxi or working as a bicycle
messenger."

The thought made her smile.
"Instead, you were so successful that you now have the freedom never to
work at all unless you want to."

"Which is fortunate, because I may
never act again."

His voice was so low that it took a
moment for his words to register. "Not act? Surely you're not serious!
You're an actor's actor--so good, and so committed. How could you stop?"

In the dark, all she could see was his
profile faintly illuminated by the dashboard lights. "Acting was my way of
escaping myself. Now ... my self has caught up with me. I don't know if I can act
anymore. Or if I want to."

Chilled, she recognized bleak conviction
in his voice. The work that had been his joy and his passion might have been
stolen from him as surely as his mother's pimp had stolen Kenzie's trust and
innocence.

With so much taken away, would there be
anything left of Kenzie Scott?

Kenzie
halted his SUV on the rise that looked across the valley to the ranch house,
anticipating the serenity of the place. "I wonder why the lights are on.
The Gradys moved into their new house several weeks ago, so the ranch house
should be empty."