The Split (4 page)

              I’m lying through my teeth.  I haven’t watched a porno in years thanks to my sex-addicted celibacy streak, but from what I remember it all seemed a little too fake to me.  I suppose there’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, but it’s not like I’m dying for it on a daily basis.

              Greg however, is completely eating it up.  I have him in the palm of my hand already, but teasing him like this is so much fun that I continue laying it on thick.

              “Want to show me?”  I ask in a breathy voice.

              “Show you?”  The security officer responds, his face turning bright red.

              I giggle.  “The porno you were watching.  Maybe I could help you take a load off or something.”

              Suddenly, sobriety alarm bells are going off deep within my brain.  I can’t relapse, and as fun as this is I’m drifting dangerously close to the edge.  It doesn’t help matters that Greg is actually pretty cute in an unassuming, dorky kind of way.

              I just need to get the drive and get out of here, I reaffirm, collecting my thoughts.

              “Sure.  I guess you can see it if you really want.”  Greg offers, walking back around the desk and sitting down in his chair.  An image is paused on the laptop screen, and as I follow Greg and stand behind him I suddenly find myself with a perfect view.  On there computer is the hardcore depiction of a man and woman in the troughs of passion, there bodies intertwined as this muscular, handsome guy penetrates the woman deeply.  She’s not so bad herself, either.

              Greg presses the spacebar and the images instantly come to life, dancing across the laptop screen in vivid colors of perfectly tan skin tone.  The office is filled with exaggerated moans of pleasure.

              Trying my best to focus, I reach back behind me with one hand and unplug the currently running hard drive, then carefully slide it off of the counter and slip it inside my lab coat.

              I breathe out a sigh of relief, happy to have the evidence of my exposure secured, but as I turn to leave the office something stops me.

              My eyes are now transfixed onto computer screen, following the beautiful porn star bodies as the rock together in a million shifting pixels.  Greg looks up at me to see my reaction, and when he notices that I’m not recoiling in horror he smiles.

              “Pretty hot, huh?”  Greg asks.  “Her name is Alison Coxxx.”

              I nod, not saying a word.  I can suddenly feel my empty hand, unburdened by the hard drive, slipping its way down from Greg’s shoulder and along his chest.  Lower and lower it goes, drifting dangerously closer to the waistband of his jeans.

              Greg’s breathing is heavy now, and I can see that his member has swelled to an enormous size within the fabric of his pants, just waiting from me to set it free.  Greg repositions himself uncomfortably, aching to be touched.

              “Need a hand?”  I ask him.

              “Yes.”  Greg sighs, and then begins to undo his belt buckle.

              I realize now that I’m shaking with, not only anticipation, but fear.  It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone’s manhood, and with good reason.  My abstinence means too much to me to just throw it away, but seeing the lust in Greg’s eyes is just so hard to turn down.  I’ve never known what it was like to be seen like this; as a prize, a trophy, a true beauty.

              Still, I need to stop.

              I try and retract my hand, but my subconscious desires let it drift lower and lower across Greg’s bare abs.  He let’s out a soft whimper as my fingers creep under the waistband of his boxer briefs.

              Stop.  I tell myself, but it’s no use.

              I feel my fingers close slowly around his massive, rock hard rod and the two of us gasp at the same time.  Greg sinks back into his chair and closes his eyes, letting out a long sigh of satisfaction as he reels from the sensation of my touch.

              Suddenly, the gravity of what I’m doing hits me like a ton of bricks.  I’m sick to my stomach as I release Greg from my grasp, immediately turning around and heading for the door of the office.

              “Hey!  Where are you going?”  The young security officer shouts in startled confusion.

              The next thing I know, I’m barreling down the hallway towards the back exit of the Allencorp facility, tears streaming down my face despite my best efforts to keep them contained within.

              I hit the exit door hard and suddenly a loud, blaring alarm is sounding in my ears.  I break into a sprint, running across the parking lot with my long white lab coat flowing behind me.  Almost immediately, I hear voices shouting and I turn back around to see Tucker and some armed military personal standing at the doorway, but before they can spot me I duck into some dense shrubbery, then climb a fence into the back alley.  From here, I sprint about a block away until I finally run out of breath.

              As I stand panting, with my hands on my knees and my makeup smeared down my face, I focus deep within and then let out a sigh of relief as I turn back into myself.

              “My name is Mandi and I’m a sex addict.”  I tell the group, sitting in my familiar spot in the church basement on Hollywood blvd.

              “Hi Mandi.”  The group responds in turn.

              “It’s been one day since my last sexual encounter.”  I announce.

              The silence is deafening.  I look around the circle of familiar faces and see that all of them are staring back at me in complete shock.  For two years, I had been one of the most solid members here, the last person that anyone would expect to relapse.  I guess it happens to everyone as some point.

              Tara and me lock eyes for a moment and, despite her best efforts to hide it, she looks utterly heartbroken; understanding, but heartbroken non-the-less.

              “I relapsed last night.”  I continue.  “Pretty hard, actually.”

              There is a long pause as I try to collect my thoughts.  The events of the last few days are just too unbelievable, and potentially dangerous, to share.  Even though these meetings are the safest environments that I know, I need to tread carefully.

              “I found myself in situation that I’m not really used to.”  I explain.  “This guy really wanted me, and not just because he wanted to fuck someone.  He really, really wanted
me
.”

              “We’re you flattered by that?”  Tara asks.

              “I was.  I mean, it felt really nice to have someone reacting to me in a powerful way.”  I tell her.  “But at the same time, in the back of my head I knew that it wasn’t me he was attracted to.”

              Tara shakes her head.  “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”  She tells me, her expression one of someone who’s desperately trying to relate.  She really does care about me, I can see it in her eyes, and in this storm of confusion that crashes about in my head, it’s nice to know that she’s there trying to shine a light.

              “He liked me, but I was pretending to be someone else.”  I tell her.  “I’m not that girl anymore, but I slipped because it was just so easy to fall back into the old ways.”

              “The girl that you were two years ago?”  Tara questions.

              “Yes.”  I nod.  “I’d forgotten what it felt like to let myself go like that, only this time was different.  This time I had so much more power than before.”

              “Well, we need to accept that we’re powerless against our impulses sometimes.”  Tara tells me.

              I’ve heard that a million times around here, and of all the pieces of advice that get thrown around, this is the only one that really kind of rubs me the wrong way.  I’m a fighter, and I know that I’ve got the power to change my life.  In fact, sometimes it’s that faith in myself that keeps me going.

              Or maybe I just don’t truly understand this part of our mantra yet.

              “I know.”  I lie to her, nodding.  I don’t even want to get into it tonight, there’s way too much going on in my head to be focused on the semantics of our sexaholic code.

              “You’re always going to be you.”  Tara says, looking me dead in the eyes.

              It immediately strikes me how bizarrely relevant her comment is, but also how terrifyingly untrue.  At this point, I can be whoever the fuck I want.

              “But what if…” I stammer, my words faltering.  I’m getting emotional but I don’t know why.  After taking a minute to collect myself, I try again.  “But what if I didn’t have to be me anymore?”  I ask.  “Or what if I got to be me and the addict was someone else entirely?”

              Tara still doesn’t follow what I’m saying, but she tries her best.  “Either way, we’ll support you right here in this room.  We’re all struggling, Mandi, but this is your family and we’re gonna support you.”

              With that, the group bursts into a pleasant applause.

              “Thank you.”  I tell them, and I mean it.

              After our sharing session, I make my way over to the snack table yet again, still dreading my return to work the next day, but for entirely different reasons.  Allencorp has left three messages about speaking with me the second I get into the lab, and it wasn’t until I called them back to confirm an eight AM conference that they left me alone.

              I have no idea what they’ve found to connect me to the break-in back at the lab, but no matter how optimistic I try to be, this meeting can’t be good.

              “That was pretty powerful stuff tonight.”  Comes a familiar voice, as Derek steps up next to me and pops a baby carrot in his mouth.  His charm is so weirdly effortless, I can’t even begin to understand it.

              “Thanks.”  I tell him.  “It’s weird starting back down here at the bottom again.  Two years is a long time.”

              Derek nods.  “Well, it happens.  The world keeps spinning.”

              The way he looks into me is incredible, and it suddenly hits me that Derek is genuinely interested, heart and soul.  It’s not at all the way that the security officer had leered at my body the night before, and the difference couldn’t be more apparent.

              Still, there’s that mystery and silence to Derek that I find so incredibly sexy.  He’s powerful, yet reserved; needing validation from no one. 

              It was a mistake to turn him down the other night.  I’m trying to abstain from random, meaningless sex; but if I find the right partner this could all be over.  I’d forgotten that, but after my relapse I’ve received a powerful reminder of the difference between these two distinct kinds of attraction.

              “Hey, so I was thinking…” I start, trying to summon all of the courage that I can.

              Suddenly, Tara joins us, saddling up next to Derek and putting her arm around him.

              “That was really brave of you to share today.”  Tara tells me.  I try to look her in the eyes but I can’t stop staring at her arm, which is draped around Derek’s shoulders and pulling him close.

              “Thanks.”  I tell her, meekly.

              Derek turns to face Tara and gives her a quick peck on the lips, then the two of them smile at each other before turning back towards me.

              “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”  Derek asks.

              I’m too stunned to speak, my jaw hanging slack as I try to comprehend the scene that’s playing out right before my eyes.  “I’m sorry.”  I ask.  “Are you guys… dating?”

              Tara nods and then answers plainly.  “We are.”

              I can’t help the confused expression that creeps across my face.  “Aren’t we here because of our… sex addiction?”

              Tara laughs.  “We’re not having sex!”  She informs me.  “We’re dating.  There’s a big difference.”

              I’m still in shock, but thankfully I manage to lock down my look of amazement before it shifts into one of utter disappointment.  I’ve missed out on an incredible opportunity with a real genuine man.  I know Tara, and I know that she wouldn’t put up with anything less.

              “You know, Mandi, the reason for this group is to help people abstain from sex.”  Tara continues.  “Not abstain from human connection.”

              She’s right.

              “You still haven’t asked me your question.”  Derek adds, genuinely curious.  “What’s up?”

              I feel like a deer in headlight as I stand before the two of them, rejected already before I even got the chance to ask Derek out.  My mind races with something else to say, trying to save myself the embarrassment that I’m helplessly barreling towards.

              “I was going to ask…” I begin, still not exactly sure were my words are going to end up.

              Derek and Tara wait patiently for me to finish.  Suddenly, I’m hit with the perfect excuse.

              “Oh!”  I shout, startling them.  “I was going to ask if you could give me a ride home tonight.  I left my car at work yesterday and had to take the bus here.”

              Derek smiles.  “Oh yeah, of course.  What part of town do you live in?”

              “Echo Park.”  I tell him.

              “Sure thing.”  Derek confirms.  “I’m downtown, so that’s no problem at all.”             

              “I’m gonna go say some more goodbyes.”  Tara informs us, before giving Derek another quick kiss.  “I’ll see you at dinner tomorrow.”  She tells him.

              “The Hearth, seven thirty.”  Derek responds with a smile.

              The Hearth is one of the nicest new restaurants in Los Angeles, way beyond the price range of all but the most successful Hollywood elite.  I would have never pegged Derek as being all that wealthy thanks to his rugged look, complete tonight with well fitted jeans and a black leather jacket, but I guess I was mistaken.

              “Are you ready to get out of here?”  Derek asks me.

              I nod and we start heading for the door.

              As Derek and I step out into the warm night air, I can’t help but be taken by his powerful stride, so controlled and yet so fierce.  The church parking lot is still empty, with most of our fellow members still milling about and socializing inside.

              Derek presses his keys and a red sports car next to us beeps twice.

              “Oh my god.”  I ask, unable to hide my shock.  “Is this yours?”

              Derek nods and then tosses me the keys.  “You want to drive it?”

              I look down at the metallic ring and then back at Derek.  “Are you fucking serious?  This is a half a million dollar car.”

              Derek shrugs and then climbs inside the passenger seat, leaving me to stand in the parking lot speechless.

              “I thought you wanted a ride home!”  Derek calls out from the inside of the car, laughing.

              I open the door and carefully climb inside.

              “Welcome!”  Says a woman’s disembodied voice as I enter the vehicle.  It starts automatically.

              “What the fuck just happened?”  I ask.

              “The car knows that I’m here.”  Derek laughs, seemingly just as amused as I am.  It’s the first time I’ve really seen him crack his calm and collected shell, but the moment is fleeting and almost immediately he’s back to his usual thoughtful self.

              “You know the way back to your place from here?”  Derek asks.

              I nod.

              “Then go for it!”  He tells me.  “Have fun.”

              I very carefully start to pull the car out of the church parking lot, going about half the speed that I normally would as I try my best not to damage anything on the terrifyingly expensive vehicle.  Derek eyes me from the passenger seat, trying desperately to keep a grin from creeping its way across his face.

              “You know, sometimes driving too carefully can be even more dangerous.”  He tells me.

              I stop the car.  “Then why are you letting me drive this thing?”  I ask him, exasperated.

              Derek smiles.  “Why not?  Taking risks is fun.”

              I shake my head, “I’m sorry, I’m too scared that I’m going to fuck this car us.”

              Suddenly, a car is honking from behind us, pulling me back into reality as I realize that I’ve stopped right in the middle of the street.

              Derek gets out and waves them past, then comes over to my side and opens the door for me.  “Maybe next time.”  He says cheerfully.

              As we cruise down the Hollywood freeway my eyes are transfixed on Derek, who stares intently forward through the windshield as the city lights dance across his face.  In Derek’s hand is a large silver coin, which he rolls between his fingers effortlessly, as if he’s been doing it for years.

              “What’s with the coin?”  I ask him.  “I always see you flipping it during our meetings.”

              Derek grins, but doesn’t take his eyes off the road.  “It’s just a reminder.”

              “A reminder of what?”  I pry.

              “That there are two sides to everything.”  He tells me, and then finally glances over.  “Everyone.”

              “Tell me about it.”  I laugh, leaning back into my seat and shutting my eyes.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and as fun as it is being in the presence of such a satisfyingly handsome and mysterious man, I still have work to look forward too tomorrow.  For all I know, this could be the last day of my life outside of government quarantine.

              I let out a long sigh.

              “What up?”  Derek asks.

              “Work stuff.”  I tell him, simplifying things to comical absurdity.

              “Ah,” he says in understanding.  “I hear you.”

              I can’t help but flash Derek a slight smirk.  “How old are you?”  I ask him.

              “I’m guessing the same age as you.”  He tells me.  “Twenty-five.”