The Spring Madness of Mr Sermon (31 page)

^{"Bless you, Sermon!" said Mr. Bignall fervently. "Bless you for those words of encouragement! Sometimes I despair, sometimes I say to myself, 'Benjamin Bignall, you're an ass! You're an ass to care, to go on kicking against the pricks!' and then I remember how Kingsbay looked to me as a child at the turn of a century, with round bathing-machines drawn up and down the beach by carthorses, with no sea-front as you see it now, a mile of tarmac garnished with hideous kiosks and shelters, but a mile of sandhills, sir, and with quaint characters at every turn of the street, dead now, dead long ago, God rest them! And then, sir, when I remember that I rededicate myself to the local rapists, the Men of Mammon who have succeeded the gentlemen I served as a younger and more hopeful man!" and apparently braced by his reafErmation he quickened his step and regained the car for the last two ports of call, the bathing-stations at either end of the half-moon bay.}

^{The two men in charge of these blocks of huts were close relatives, either cousins or brothers-in-law, Mr. Sermon never discovered which, but it was plain that they were engaged in one of those feuds beloved of the writers of Western paperbacks. The intense rivalry between them had existed for as long as the bathing-stations had stood there but Mr. Bignall, who fostered the quarrel as something}

^{that fitted into his picture of the original Kingsbay, did not know its origin and did not seem to care.}

^{Mr. Bridgeport, the custodian of the East End, was a savage-looking longshoreman with the appearance of a retired buccaneer, and his rival at the West End was a blubbery individual called Pearcey, with small red-rimmed eyes and a variety of near-pornographic tattoo marks on chest and forearms. Each man welcomed the Clerk's visit as an opportunity to complain bitterly of his rival.}

^{"He's at it again, the bleeder!" growled Bridgeport, the moment Mr. Bignall asked to see his register, "lets 'em park anywhere he do! Free! Per Sweet Fanny Adams! I mean, you carn't compete can yer ? Down my end they 'ave to pay and wot would you do ? Suppose you had a motor and wanted a dip, what would you do ? You'd go to 'is end, wouldn't you? The end where you could park for Sweet F.A.! I ask you, is it fair now? Is it fair, Mr. Clerk?"}

^{"No, it isn't," said Mr. Bignall pacifically, "and I'll speak to Pearcey about it. This is Mr. Sermon, our new supervisor I hope- Sermon, this is Bridgeport, one of the few local characters left to us."}

^{Sebastian shook the horned palm but Bridgeport was so obsessed by his grievance that he barely noticed him, turning again to the Clerk. "He'll 'ave an excuse ready, you c'n be sure o' that," he snarled. "Biggest bloody liar in Kingsbay Pearcey is, an' not too partickular as to what goes on down there neither! Bathing in the rude they was, so I heard! Three of 'em! Maids too! Stark they was! I 'ad it from Mrs. Gavin at Number Three. She sore 'em! In the rude they was! In the altogether!"}

^{"Oh, come now," said Mr. Bignall, with unexpected mildness, "we went into that last week and I don't see how Pearcey could be blamed. It happened after he'd gone home, by moonlight I understand."}

^{"Ha-ha!" sneered Bridgeport. "If I know Ned Pearcey he was parked somewhere 'andy, Mr. Clerk. Take it from me, he knew about it. Left a key under a stone for 'em, I shouldn't wonder!"}

^{"Well, I'll go along and warn him about the parking," said Mr. Bignall, "I don't suppose you're very busy yet, are you?"}

^{"Busy?" said Bridgeport, and again, "Busy? 'Ow can I be, with 'im taking all the trade by lettin' 'em park free?" and apparently}

¹⁹⁶

^{despairing of securing municipal justice he strode into his hut and slammed the door.}

^{They had hardly descended from the car at the West End bathing station before Pearcey, noting the direction from which they had come, launched the counter-attack.}

^{"Lettin" 'em get away with it, he is, Mr. Clerk. Seed one yesterday, bold as brass! Seed 'im through that!" and he flourished a squat brass telescope under Mr. Bignall's nose.}

^{"Bridgeport says you're letting people park free at the top of the steps," said the Clerk gently. "Now you know that isn't allowed, Pearcey, you know we have police permission to keep this bit clear."}

^{"All right," said Pearcey sullenly, "when you stop him letting 'em undress on the beach I'll send the free-parkers packing soon as they draws up!"}

^{"Aren't people allowed to dress and undress on the beach?" asked Mr. Sermon mildly, remembering that he had been doing so for the last month and wondering if the brass telescope had ever been focussed upon him.}

^{"Officially no, but strictly speaking we can't stop them providing their towels and wraps are adequate," said the Clerk. "However, come to that, we aren't legally entitled to charge for parking on the highway but we've been doing it for years, not for gain of course but in order to keep trippers at bay." He turned back to the sullen Pearcey. "Now look here, Pearcey, why can't you and Bridgeport make it up over a glass
'of
beer? You've been squabbling like two old hens for twenty years and you must be thoroughly tired of it."}

^{Mr. Sermon noticed that he said this as a sop to the cause of peace but entirely without conviction. It was obvious that he relished the feud and did everything he could' to inflame it, for he went on, "It's odd you should complain of people undressing on the beach. Bridgeport told me you not only permitted young ladies to bathe in the nude but left a hut key for them under a stone!"}

^{"That's libel!" roared Pearcey, "I can sue him for it!"}

^{"It isn't libel, my dear chap, but it might be established as slander, providing of course that you could prove he said it, and I wouldn't give evidence against a Kingsbay man. Now listen here, if I undertake to urge Bridgeport to warn off the next beach-}

¹⁹⁷

^{undresser, will you promise me to make motorists use the official car park?"}

^{"Mr. Clerk," said Pearcey, soberly, "you always played fair wi' me and I'll do it for you, but you won't have no peace on this here Foreshore till you sack that old soak an' pay someone to wash out his dirty mouth wi' carbolic!"}

^{"Wonderful!" said Mr. Bignall, beaming, "just like Sam-pick-up-tha'-musket, isn't it, Sermon? But don't take these two seriously, they'd be miserable without one another. Now let me introduce you to our new Supervisor, Pearcey. Come, shake hands, man!"}

^{Mr. Sermon was on the point of protesting that he had not yet accepted the post but the Clerk was now looking anxiously at his watch, so Sebastian shook Pearcey's flabby hand and returned to the car after a final and apprehensive glance at Pearcey's telescope.}

^{"What an extraordinary pair!" he said as they drove back along the esplanade and the Clerk swung dangerously into the High Street.}

^{"In my young days," said Mr. Bignall sadly, "almost everyone in Kingsbay was an eccentric, yet the place ran like clockwork. Nowadays everyone here conforms and look at the mess we're in! Well, my dear fellow, I take it you're engaged ? Could you start tomorrow ?"}

^{But here Mr. Sermon reasserted himself, clinging to the tatters of his independence and saying, "I'll think it over and I'll phone you my answer by five this afternoon."}

^{"Just as you wish," said the Clerk stiffly, "but you have to admit it's a sinecure, man. Come now, you have to admit that!"}

^{"I think I could do it but I'm not yet convinced that I want to," said Mr. Sermon, surprised at his defiance. "By the way, we didn't call at the Children's Zoo."}

^{"It isn't open yet," said Mr. Bignall, "we await the appointment of an attendant, the bunch we interviewed yesterday were useless."}

^{"Suppose," said Mr. Sermon, "that I could put you on to someone, a girl with an impeccable background and a knowledge of veterinary work?"}

^{The Clerk looked at him with astonishment.}

^{"You know of such a person?"}

^{"I might," said Sebastian, enjoying ascendancy for a moment, "if I did, would you take my word for her?"}

¹⁹⁸

^{"I'd interview her on your recommendation," said Bignall, cautiously.}

^{"Right," said Sebastian, getting out of the car, "I'll ring you regarding both matters at five sharp!" and he strolled away feeling that he had joined the minority of people who had succeeded in astonishing the Town Clerk of Kingsbay.}

^{It is doubtful if Sebastian Sermon would have accepted the post of temporary Beach Supervisor of Kingsbay's Foreshore Undertaking had it not occurred to him that here was a chance to share a prolonged joke with Rachel Grey. He was not interested in Rachel in the way he had been interested in Olga. If it is possible for a man of romantic temperament to cultivate a platonic friendship with a pretty woman twenty years his junior then Sebastian's interest in the Headmaster's daughter was platonic. He liked her and she interested him but he was far too modest a man to assume that she was interested in him, except perhaps as a fellow rebel against the twin cults of Respectability and Regular Routine. The idea of seeing her every day, and sharing Kingsbay Foreshore with someone who possessed a strong sense of humour made a great appeal to him and by lunch-time he had telephoned her and told her of Bignall's offer. He was surprised and delighted by her enthusiasm.}

^{"You put in a word for me? You think I stand a chance? Well, you're a poppet, Martin, and I'm terribly grateful. Yes, of course I'd like the job and I don't care what they pay! I'd like it and I'd be damned good at it! I read about the zoo in the County Press but it never occurred to me to have a try. Don't you see, if I got a bit of practical experience down there, it might make all the difference when I came to apply for a County Grant to get a vet's training, I'll come over this afternoon-all right tomorrow afternoon then, but ring again tonight, ring and tell me if you're taking the job. Yes, I'll tell Father right away, and you don't have to thank me for introducing you. He loved having you here and he wants you to come over for Sports Day, Saturday week. Goodbye and thanks again, it was wonderful of you!"}

¹⁹⁹

^{Her excitement decided him and he made up his mind to gamble on her getting the job. He rang Bignall accepting the post and then made an appointment for him to see Rachel the following day.}

^{"When are you prepared to start?" asked the Clerk and when Sebastian told him the following morning at ten, he said: "First-class ! Good man! Can't stick a shilly-shallier, never could. Deep end and kick out, Sermon! Know where you are and a good example to everyone watching, huh?"}

^{Mr. Sermon smiled as he rang off, reflecting that he was beginning to get the measure of the Town Clerk. 'Come to that,' he said to himself a little smugly, 'I think I'm beginning to get the measure of most people. And situations!'}

^{Yet he was unprepared for the final incident of the day, which was the arrival, about six o'clock, of a pimply youth carrying a small, round parcel bearing the letters
k.u.d.c.
on its outer wrapping. Wonderingly he carried it into the kitchen and when the brown paper was removed he extracted a very smart, rakish cap with a broad, shining peak, starched canvas cover and the word 'Supervisor' lettered in gold on the band. A note accompanied the parcel and Bignall had written-}

^{"Ordinarily, an overseer of your grade would not wear uniform but I felt something must distinguish you from our better-class loafers! Faithfully, B. Bignall."}

^{Mr. Sermon sat staring at the cap while his tea grew cold. At last he rose, put it on, looked in the hall mirror, tilted it slightly and then looked again. He stood quite still for almost a minute, studying the quasi-nautical reflection and then, with a loud hiccough, he began to laugh.}

^{It was many years since Sebastian Sermon had laughed at his reflection in a mirror.}

^{Mr. Sermon, his canvas cap-cover dazzling white in strong June sunshine, swung along the Promenade in the general direction of the Children's Zoo. He walked with the stride of an Alpine Guide and the uprightness of a man whose past is blameless, whose present is satisfying and whose future is secure from want, oppression and fear.}

²⁰⁰

^{More than three weeks had passed since he had enlisted as Supervisor of the Kingsbay Foreshore Undertaking and stepped out in public wearing his rakish yachting cap embroidered with the letters
k.u.d.c.
in gold. He liked the job and he enjoyed wearing the cap. In the old days he would have been ashamed to wear a nautical cap in public, much less enjoy wearing it, but now he had come to terms with himself. He was like a drunkard who, on being told that alcohol will make him blind, replies: "Doctor, I've already seen most things!"}

^{It had been strange at first to find himself in command of half a dozen parking attendants, a lady zoo-keeper, two bathing-station custodians, six deck-chairmen, a donkey-driver and two lavatory attendants, but he soon got used to it. They were far easier to handle than, say, twenty-eight twelve-year-old boys banded together to resist instruction and although each day brought its problems, internal jealousies and occasional cash discrepancies were smoothed out with the minimum of effort and he was aware that his standing was already high at Kingsbay's equivalent of City Hall.}