The Staff and the Blade: Irin Chronicles Book Four (36 page)

Sari was as angry at herself as she had ever been with him. She knew there was no way any of them could have known. They had all been taken unaware. He was no more responsible for the Rending than any other scribe.

“We only ever wanted your forgiveness. But we knew we didn’t deserve it.”

How could she forgive Damien when she couldn’t forgive herself?

She rose and wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. She’d been still for too long. All she needed to clear her head was a good bout with a training dummy. She strode out the door and headed for the barn.

Maybe neither of them deserved forgiveness. Maybe that wasn’t the point. What would happen if, instead of fighting for her own forgiveness or withholding it from her mate, she just gave in? Accepted it. And him. And moved forward.

Renata fell into step beside her while she walked toward the barn. “I want to talk about Ava.”

“Reni, I can’t right now.”

“Because you’re fighting with your mate?” Her friend snorted. “You both need to get over it.”

“Get over it?”

Renata usually wasn’t so flippant.

“Yes,” she said. “Get over it. It’s not Damien’s fault the Grigori are bastards.”

“I know that.”

“And it’s not his fault your sister died.”

Sari stopped. “You don’t know anything about that.”

“I know what Orsala has told me about her, and I know she was a seer.”

“So?”

Astrid must have been drawn to their raised voices. She walked over to them, her hands in her pockets and her collar raised against the whipping wind. “What are you two arguing about? Renata, it wasn’t only Sari who wanted you back. All of us thought you needed a break. So stop—”

“That’s not what we’re talking about,” Renata barked. “Sari, if anyone could have prevented the Rending—anyone at all—it was the Irina seers. If they didn’t see the signs, why on earth would the watchers have seen? Why didn’t the elder singers see it?” Renata crossed her arms. “I have more anger for the elder singers than anyone else. They are the ones who allowed the council to isolate us. They are the ones who scoffed at martial magic. If anyone is to blame, it is ourselves.”

“We were following the leadership of our elders!” Sari said

“So were they!”

“So we all blame ourselves?” Astrid asked in an acidic tone. “Excellent. Now we can all go punish ourselves and be miserable. Honestly, isn’t there anyone who would just rather blame the Grigori?”

Sari and Renata turned to the healer.

“We all lost,” Astrid continued. “Every single one of us. There was no one unwounded by the Rending. Even scribes in isolated libraries who’d taken vows of silence and celibacy felt the loss. And then we did exactly as the Grigori wanted. We turned on each other!”

Renata said, “Astrid—”

“Wouldn’t Volund be pleased?” The healer continued to rail. “I’m no better than anyone. I have blamed the scribes. Blamed the council. Blamed myself. Meeting Ava has reminded me that there
are
honorable scribes in our world. Beyond the council. They are waiting for their partners and sisters. If we hide in our safe havens and do not join them in this fight, then we have allowed the Fallen to win.”

Renata said, “It’s not as if we do nothing. We have killed as many Grigori as the scribes.”

“So why do we hide?” Sari said. “Why do we keep this a secret? It’s not a secret from the Grigori. They can spot an Irina assassin on sight. We only keep it secret from the scribes. As if what we do is shameful.”

Renata said, “I have no shame in it.”

“Then why are we hiding?”

Renata had no answer. But Astrid did.

“Because we’re afraid,” she said. “Because we are still afraid.”

※

Sari watched the small cottage where Damien and Ava were staying from her vantage point on the porch of the main house. The lights glowed, and she could hear the faint sounds of laughter. Her friends were there. Karen and Bruno. Renata and Astrid. They had welcomed her mate and their new sister to the haven with an openness that Sari lacked.

Perhaps the hospitable part of her had died in the Rending. Perhaps it had never existed at all. She was not a creature of the hearth and the home, despite the earth magic that ran in her veins. She was made to protect. Made for war. Once, Damien had loved that about her.

Mala stepped out the front door and came to stand in front of her.
Go to him.

Sari shook her head. “He’s enjoying his night. He needs a good night.”

His tortured confession still haunted her. She did not fear her mate taking his own hand to harm himself, but self-destruction could come in other forms. Perhaps he would go to the council and offer to bear the heaven-forged blade again. Perhaps there was one battle from which he would simply not return.

Go to him
, Mala signed again.
He needs you more than he needs peace.

Sari laughed then, a pained sound that cracked the night air. “Do you know how often I have wondered what the heavens were thinking? One
reshon
in the world, and I was chosen for him.”

Mala said,
As he was chosen for you.

Damien was a scribe among scribes. Battle-tested and honor-bound. The finest of Mikael’s blood. The hope and pride of his family. She heard his low murmur cross the space between them and wondered what stories he was sharing.

“Any singer would be honored to mate with such a man,” she said softly.

If you won’t go to him, then you need to go to Renata
, Mala signed.
Our contact in Bergen called. There were three Grigori spotted there.

Not unheard of, but coming on the heels of Renata’s return, Ava’s appearance, and her mate’s presence, it seemed significant.

So go
, Mala signed.
Tell Renata and let her hunt closer to home. She’s getting on my last nerve.

Sari nodded and descended from the porch, crossing the space between her mate’s cottage and her home. She knocked on the door, surprised to see Ava, not Damien, answer.

“May I come in?”

Damien appeared in a flash, standing behind the small woman holding the door. “Sari?”

It was only then that she remembered his words:
When you are ready,
milá
. When you can find forgiveness in your heart for me, come to me. Knock on my door, and I will always open it. Always. Come to me when you are ready to take me back.

Oh damn.

Damien’s mouth hung open.

Panic stole her breath for a moment. No. She hadn’t meant… There was still so much to talk about.

Damien’s eyes were ablaze with the most painful emotions she could have seen on his face.

Hope.

And incandescent joy.

Panic fled and peace whispered in her ear,
It is time.

Enough.

Sari knew that nothing could keep her from him when he looked at her as he did. No anger, no pain, no fury was worth the loss of this man’s joy.

And they were surrounded by five of their friends.

“Sari!” Renata called. “Come in! Wine or coffee?”

She had to do something. She stepped into the house. “
Kaffe
, thank you.”

“Of course.”

It was Ava who finally closed the door after Sari moved into the cottage and took a chair Bruno dragged to the table for her. Karen set a cup of coffee in front of her, and Sari drank it mechanically.

Moments later, Damien sat across from her, shock gone, a wicked teasing happiness in his eyes. The corner of his mouth lifted because he thought she had surrendered.

The fact that she had did nothing to soften her mood.

“My dove, what brings you here—
to my door
—tonight?”

If he hadn’t called her “my dove,” she might have resisted the urge to antagonize him. She sipped her coffee as if her body wasn’t already rioting. “You know, this is my land. My guesthouse. So technically, I don’t think this is your door.”

“I believe that’s what they call ‘splitting hairs.’”

Astrid said, “Well, this is entertaining, but I do think there might be some larger purpose to this visit than just coffee and cake.”

Trust Astrid to understand when her emotions were in chaos. “There was a group of Grigori spotted in Bergen.”

Damien’s mood shifted immediately.

“How many?” he and Renata asked.

“Three that we know of. But I’d not be surprised if there were more. There’s an Irin couple who lives there, among the humans. No children. They watch for us.”

Renata said, “I’ll go.”

“I’ll go too,” Damien said.

“No,” Sari said, surprising herself. Damien and Renata would work well together. But…

She could not see him leave again. Not when nothing had been resolved.

“This is our territory,” Sari said. “Renata will take care of them.”

Damien obviously thought her pride was getting in the way of her sense. “Sari, this is no time for—”

“Besides, I’d like you and Bruno to start doing patrols around the perimeter of the haven. Orsala has sensed some outside magic, and she wants us to be careful. Some protective spells written on the trees would be appreciated.”

It was true. The fact that Orsala had asked Bruno to do it and mentioned nothing about Damien was something she didn’t need to share.

He was still irritated. “Fine. And Bruno and I will start patrols. It’s only three Grigori. I’m sure Renata can handle that on her own anyway.”

Renata teased him. “You just wanted to steal my fight.”

“Obviously.”

Sari glanced at Ava, the woman her grandmother told her was a seer. She saw nothing of Tala’s skill or confidence about her, but who knew what might be lurking behind that inscrutable facade?

“I don’t suppose you’ve seen any threats?” she asked.

“Uh… Should I have?”

“You’re a seer.”

“I’m not very good though.”

Well, at least false pride wasn’t an issue.

Bruno’s laugh was cut off by his mate.

“No, really,” Ava continued. “You can ask your grandmother. I was trying to do… the thing I did the other night at the sing. And I couldn’t. So I don’t know if I’ll see any trouble coming. If there is any coming.”

The girl didn’t know visions didn’t work like that.

Not like that.

“The house. The house, of course. I know where it is. The clothes are mine. I can see them there, but this time everything is silent.”

I know where it is.

The clothes are mine.

Empty clothes. Tala foreseeing her own death, though she could have no idea what it would mean.

The visions didn’t work like that.

If only they did.

Sari wanted to be angry, but she couldn’t. Tala couldn’t have known. And neither could Damien.

Ava was still stuttering and confused. “Is there… some trouble coming?”

Renata answered her. “Trouble is always coming. I’ll take care of it.”

Sari warned her out of habit. “Don’t be too eager. We don’t want them to know they’re close to anything important. Draw them away from the city if you can.”

“And try to find out who they belong to,” Damien added. “I know Grigori in the territory generally belong to Volund, but we had some surprises in Istanbul. Powers may be shifting.”

Sari glanced at Renata. She hadn’t told Damien about Volund.

“Powers are always shifting,” Sari said.

“Change is constant.” Damien locked his eyes on her. “And healthy.”

“According to you.”

“You can’t stop this,” he said for her ears alone. “You never could.”

No, she never could. Her need for him was an addiction. “I can try.”

The problem was, she didn’t really want to succeed. And he knew it.

“You shouldn’t.”

Ava wasn’t completely oblivious to the tension in the room. “Well, obviously we’re not talking about Grigori anymore.”

No, they weren’t. Damien still stared at her and Sari couldn’t look away. This night would change everything. He’d shown her his scars. She’d never tried to hide hers. If she took him back tonight, it would be forever. She would allow nothing less than his complete loyalty. To her. To the Irina. And that might mean his precious council would have to go to hell.

Renata said, “I want to take Ava to Bergen.”

Was she crazy?

“Absolutely not.” Sari was shocked when she heard Damien’s voice echoing her own. “You don’t think she should go?”

“No.”

Sari stood. She had to do
something,
and bolting from the room wasn’t an option. “But she’d be a tactical advantage. I’ve heard about her range.”

“She’s too young. And untrained.”

“She’d be with Renata.”

As Tala was with you.