The Stocking Was Hung (16 page)

Aunt Bobbie laughs nervously and takes a step back from the window.

“Druggies? Who knows druggies? I don’t know druggies, do you know druggies?” she asks. “No drugs here, especially not Ecstasy or anything crazy like that!”

There’s a hard knock at the door right next to us, followed by more pathetic shouting.

“WE DON’T HAVE TO GET MARRIED! IT DOESN’T MATTER, I JUST WANT YOU BACK!”

Son of a mother fucking bitch! Logan is here???

Reggie shoulders his way between Noel and I and flings open the front door. I stare in irritation at the man on the front stoop with perfectly slicked back hair, black suit, and a pansy-ass white scarf around his neck.

“What the hell is all this yelling for? Are you a druggie? Does my daughter owe you money?” Reggie shouts at the dumb-shit in front of him.

“What? No, I’m Logan,” he states, puffing up his chest and holding his hand out in front of him.

I groan and Noel whimpers again.

“No you’re not,
he’s
Logan,” Reggie argues, pointing his thumb over his shoulder in my direction.

Logan looks around Reggie and glares at me.

“No,
I’M
Logan. I have no idea who that is. Who are you?” he asks me angrily.

“This is LOGAN,” Bev shouts, coming up from behind me. “LOOOOOOGAAAAAANNNN.”

She yells louder, stretching out the word like the dumb shit is hard of hearing.

Logan looks around at everyone in confusion.

“I think he is on drugs, he looks very confused,” Bev whispers. “Or maybe he’s def. What’s sign language for ‘Get off our porch’?”

“I’M LOGAN!” Dumb-shit shouts in a huff.

“HE’S LOGAN!” Reggie yells back, pointing his thumb at me again.

“This is so much fun!” Nicholas announces.

I shoot him a dirty look and he immediately drops his smile. “Sorry, dude. My bad.”

“Um, I need to tell you guys something,” Noel finally speaks.

“Oh, God! You ARE on drugs! This is your dealer and he’s come to beat you up!” Bev wails. “Reggie, get the extra grocery money out of the cookie jar on the counter. “I won’t let this pimp beat up my baby!”

Reggie shakes his head at her, shooting another glare at Dumb-shit.

“You have five seconds to tell me who you are or I’m going to let Aunt Bobbie escort you off the property,” Reggie tells him.

Aunt Bobbie comes up next to me and cracks the giant knuckles on her huge hands. “Won’t be as much fun as grabbing Logan’s package, but he’ll do.”

“For the last time, I AM LOGAN!” Dumb shit says again in annoyance. “Will you please let me inside? It’s freezing out here and I didn’t bring my coat.”

He looks at Noel pleadingly, reaching into his front pocket and pulling out the largest diamond ring I’ve ever seen in my life. Please, Noel, I can’t stand the thought of you not having this on your finger. I don’t care if you never want to marry me, just please take the ring back and let’s work this out.”

As Noel’s hand comes up and she nervously brushes her hair out of her eyes, Dumb shit’s own eyes immediately zero in on the pathetic excuse for a ring I slipped on her finger last night sparkling in the morning sun streaming through the front door.

“What the hell is that? Is that a ring?” he asks in shock.

Noel quickly pulls her hand down and hides it behind her back, my heart completely breaking in two.

“Oh, dear. He’s a pimp and he’s stupid, this is not good,” Bev mutters. “Leon, leave it to you to find the only stupid pimp in Seattle.”

“Who the hell is Leon?” Dumb shit asks.

“She is,” Reggie replies, his thumb flying in Noel’s direction this time.

“Okay, enough with the Who’s on First, What’s on Second,” Noel says with a sigh. “Everyone,
THIS
is Logan. The real Logan. And this is Sam.”

She takes turns pointing to each of us and I slide my hands into the pockets of my plaid pajama bottoms, having no clue what else to do with them since I can’t decide if I want to punch dumb shit in the face or wrap my arms around Noel and drag her out of the room and pretend like none of this is happening.

“Who’s Sam?” Bev asks.

“I am,” I answer curtly.

“Am I still high?” Aunt Bobbie mutters from next to me. “Tell me, does anyone see a squirrel wearing a red sweater in the hallway with us right now?”

Everyone ignores Aunt Bobbie and stares at me like
I’M
the guilty one.

Shit, I
AM
the guilty one. I lied to these people, I stayed in their home and I ate their food. It wasn’t any big deal until I got to know them and now I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.

“Are you a man dressed in women’s clothes?” Dumb-shit says with a grimace as he looks Aunt Bobbie up and down.

Everyone gasps and I pull one hand out of my pocket to pat Aunt Bobbie on the back.

“You look beautiful, darling. That blue sweater really brings out your eyes,” I tell her, trying to calm her down before she starts crying.

“Thank you,” she replies with a smile. “Can I rip his dick off now?”

Dumb-shit gasps and takes a step back on the porch.

That’s right, keep stepping back until you’re back in Seattle and far, far away from here you undeserving piece of shit.

“I think I should shoot him in the balls. What do you think, Sam?” Nicholas asks.

“Will everyone just shut up for a minute?!” Noel shouts, walking forward and grabbing onto Logan’s arm, yanking him inside the warm house and slamming the door closed behind him.

He shivers like a pussy, wrapping his arms around his body and rubbing his hands up and down his arms, still clutching the giant diamond ring.

“I still don’t understand what’s going on right now. If you’re Logan, and you’re Sam, is Leon still Leon?” Bev asks. “Is this part of your Oklahoma play? Are you all in character? Ooooooh, is it audience participation? I’ve always wanted to be in a play!”

I watch as Noel closes her eyes and bows her head, speaking softly to everyone in the crowded hallway.

“I lost my job, Logan proposed, and I ran without giving him an answer. I met Sam at the airport and convinced him to come home with me and pretend to be Logan because I didn’t want to disappoint you guys,” she blurts out all at once.

The entire family explodes into shouting, yelling and curses, save for Nicholas and I as we stand silently watching the argument unfold in front of us.

“You better fight for her. Don’t let that dumb shit worm his way back into her life,” he whispers to me loudly over the yelling.

“Oh, thank God! This guy is just an actor! Jesus, Noel, you scared the hell out of me when I saw another ring on your finger,” Logan says with a laugh.

Noel doesn’t say anything in response as Bev, Reggie, Aunt Bobbie, and Casey all continue yelling and firing questions at her about what the hell is going on and why she didn’t tell them what had happened to her before she came home.

I sigh as I watch Logan get down on one knee in front of Noel, taking a step back from the commotion until I’m a few feet behind Nicholas. I close my eyes when I see Dumb-shit hold up the giant diamond ring toward Noel that he’s still clutching in his hand.

“I know you just got spooked when I did this a few days ago, and that’s fine. I get it. But we can work this out, Noel,” he maintains.

“It was much more romantic when Sam did it,” Bev huffs, crossing her arms in from of her. “You really need to work on your delivery, because it sucks Dominic the Donkey balls.”

I take another step back from the group until my heels hit the stairs behind me, waiting for Noel to laugh in Logan’s face, grab the ring and chuck it across the room or tell him he’s an idiot and came all this way for nothing.
Anything
but the silence that’s happening with her right now.

“Please, sweetheart, just take the ring. I have a car waiting for us outside and we can be in St. Thomas with my family in just a few hours. Some sun and sand will do you some good and help you clear your head,” Logan tells her.

When everyone starts shouting again and I see Noel reach for the ring he holds out to her, I turn and head up the stairs quietly.

There’s no point in sticking around for the rest of this shit show. I wanted to know how Noel felt about me and now I have my answer. She feels nothing and it really was all an act.
Now
who’s the dumb shit?

Noel

I
’m pretty sure
I’ve cried for so long and for so hard that my body is now dehydrated. I feel like a slug, curled up on my side under the Christmas tree in the living room, my arms and legs refusing to move to pick me up from the spot where I’ve been ever since Nicholas came downstairs and told me Sam was gone.

Gone, just like that. His bag packed and out the door without a word. Gone.

Why didn’t he fight for me? Why didn’t he punch Logan in the face when he insulted Aunt Bobbie and looked around my parent’s home like it was a hovel in the middle of the hood instead of a beautifully decorated, two story Colonial in a nice neighborhood?

Fuck, why didn’t
I
punch him in the face? He was my problem to deal with, not Sam’s. Of course he left when I stood there in the hallway like an asshole and didn’t say one word about how much I loved him and how I wanted nothing to do with the idiot on his knees for the second time in front of me. I never said one word to him about how I felt because I was too scared. Too much of a chicken-shit to verbalize these feelings that are so foreign to me I don’t know how to handle them. I should have told him last night, when he made love to me so sweetly and held me so tightly. I should have told him at dinner when
he
got down on his knee and I imagined it was a real proposal instead of an act. There are a thousand different times I should have told them, all of those times running through my mind so quickly it makes my head spin and a fresh round of tears fall down my cheeks as I curl up into a tighter ball under the tree.

“I have something that will cheer you up, Leon. I took a video of you giving it to Logan,” Nicholas says as he walks into the room and squats down behind me on the floor.

I roll over to face him and he turns his cell phone in my direction, hitting play on the video he pulled up.

I watch myself grab the huge, gaudy ring from Logan’s hand, oblivious to the fact that Sam had left the hallway and was probably upstairs, hastily throwing his things in his duffle bag.

I see the happy, triumphant look on Logan’s face as he stares up at me when I hold the ring in between the tips of my thumb and forefinger, out from my body like it’s a snake about to bit me. And even though I just want to continue crying like a baby here on the floor, I can’t help but laugh when I watch myself on video, chuck the ring at the door behind Logan so hard that it leaves an indent in the wood.

Nicholas and I laugh together listening to the clapping and cheering of our family on the video as I grab onto Logan’s arms, haul him up from his knees and scream at him like a crazy person.

“Are you fucking insane with this shit right now? Didn’t the first time you asked and I ran out the front door screaming give you a clue? I don’t want to marry you, you dumb shit! I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth! You wear entirely too much hair product, you get manicures every Wednesday, and I have faked every single orgasm with you, limp dick!”

Nicholas pats me on my shoulder, his arm shaking with his laughter as he tries to hold his phone steady.

“Oh, dear, he has a limp dick? Sam doesn’t have a limp dick, does he, Bobbie?”

I laugh a little harder hearing my mom on video question my aunt.

“Oh no. His Indian name is Hunglikehorse.”

Nicholas groans listening to Aunt Bobbie answer our mother. “I know entirely too much about the penises of the men in your life, Leon.”

“Sam is twice the man that you are and I love him. I’m in love with him and you have a tiny penis! Get out of my parent’s house and go back to Seattle, tiny penis!”

The video ends with my father grabbing Logan by his collar, opening the front door and practically tossing him out in the snow. Thankfully I don’t have to watch myself turn around and see that Sam was nowhere to be found. Probably coming back down the stairs and sneaking out the back door before he could hear my declaration and me telling Logan off.

“God, I suck,” I mutter to Nicholas, sniffling and swiping at another round of tears.

“Yep, you definitely suck, Leon.”

I sigh as the room grows darker with the setting sun outside, not even having enough energy to growl at him for agreeing with me instead of saying something to make me feel better. I deserve to feel like shit. I brought Sam here, made him feel like he was part of the family, and then let him go without a fight. Without a word, without any reassurance that my actions with him the last few days were all real and not fake.

“Well, you have one more present to open, will that make you feel better?” Nicholas asks.

I finally push myself up from the floor and sigh. “What are you talking about?”

He gets up from the ground, grabs both of my hands, and drags me up to my feet.

“Something that just came a few minutes ago as soon as it got dark. I have no idea why the hell you would want something like this, but he insisted when he woke me up with a phone call at the ass crack of dawn this morning before you woke up,” Nicholas explains.

He turns and moves toward the front door and my curiosity gets the better of me and I follow behind him, outside into the snow.

“Tada!” Nicholas announces and I finally look up and stare out into the front yard.

A sob flies out of my mouth and I have to cover it with my hand to keep the rest inside.

“I don’t get it, but like I said, he insisted I help him find this stupid thing,” Nicholas explains as I walk in a tear-filled daze down the steps and across the yard until I get to what my brother is currently looking at, shaking his head like it’s the stupidest thing he’s ever seen.

“Don’t you remember? When we were little and would go to Grandma’s house every Christmas Eve, we always looked for this,” I whisper, walking along the wooden figurines, each one standing four-feet-tall and taking up most of the front yard.