The Stork Club (50 page)

"So I'm suggesting that perhaps you should examine if your reluctance to let go of this group could be related to your own separation difficulties at home. The issues around your second child going off to college, a situation which doubtlessly is leaving you feeling empty."

"Oh, Louise." Barbara's knuckles were white from clutching the arm of the chair. "If there's one thing I'm
not
right now, it's empty," she said, hoping she wasn't going to punctuate that sentence by throwing up all over Louise's desk. Then she took a deep breath, and another, which seemed to steady her insides. "And my nest won't be either, at least not for another seventeen or eighteen years."

"Pardon?"

"I'm going to have a baby," Barbara announced with enormous pride, commingled with the desire to jump to her feet and run to the bathroom, this time to pee, which she seemed to be doing every few minutes. To say that Louise looked shocked didn't begin to describe her reaction.

"No," Barbara said, "I'm not asking to keep this group going because I can't separate. I'm asking because I learned together with them that every day brings new surprises and questions, and I want to be there to help them answer those questions as time goes on. When the children start school and other kids ask them about who they are. When they're preadolescent and they ask themselves who they are, and when they're adolescent and struggling with their identities. Their unusual genesis will always be an issue. So please consider that it will teach all of us a great deal more about these people if we can follow through. And understand that I believe in this so powerfully that if it can't be done here, I'll want to move it into my private practice."

"Let me think about this," Louise said, "and we'll talk more by the end of the week."

The group seemed more subdued this morning than Barbara had seen them so far. "I want to talk today about the burdens and dangers of secrecy," she said to them. "I don't mean privacy, because what you tell the outside world doesn't concern me as much as what you tell the
children and one another. And I used those serious words 'dangers' and 'burdens' because when there are secrets, the out-of-control fantasies that come with not knowing and the gossip that inevitably puts a negative spin on something you did for positive reasons can and will be damaging. Telling your children the right way from the start will keep them from learning the wrong way.

"Again I urge you to keep information you give them simple and age appropriate. Mostly at this time in their lives what they really need to know is that they're safe and loved, but also remember that before there are words for situations, your children will sense what's going on. And eventually the stories will come out. Openness is the healthiest option, and that will mean that the story of their genesis has to become a natural part of their lives."

"Won't it make them feel freaky?" Judith asked.

"Not if it's told in a way that speaks to how much they were wanted and how much they're loved. For example, Judith, share what you know about the donor even if it's not very much. When they get to asking about it all you might say how much you wanted children, but that it takes seeds, or later on you can say sperm from a man to make a baby. But there wasn't a man in your family, so you went to a place where a very generous man gave his sperm so you could have them. And that's when you might say, And he likes reading and music just like you and Jody."

"What if they ask what his name is?"

"You don't know, so tell them that, and you might also tell them that someday they may get to meet him.''

Everyone was quiet, thinking about what Barbara had just said.

People usually think we're a married couple,'' Ruthie
said. "Most of the time I leave it alone. Soon we'll start applying to schools for Sid, and when they find out about his family history, I wonder what to do."

"Sid will find out too, and talking about it early will show him you don't connect anything negative to his family situation. Counteract the myths and neutralize the name-calling by making him know homosexuality isn't bad, or wrong, but part of life. It'll be a long time until the subject of sexual orientation has an impact on him, but when there are homophobic slurs, do the same thing you'd do in the face of any other inappropriate behavior. Tell him, 'We don't like to say hurtful words like that in our family.' "

"I agree with all that you've been saying,'' Rick said. "I mean, I went on record right away as saying Doreen would always be a part of David's family, but I believe that ultimately it was secrecy that killed her. I think it was keeping the secret inside about David's birth father and the fear of talking about it that finally became too much for her. Maybe if she could have told her mother, told a psychologist, told a friend—but the shame was too deep. I'll always tell David how bright and funny and warm she was. And somehow down the line I'll have to find a way to tell him about her death."

The group, sometimes so boisterous and jovial, was thoughtful and quiet today. Even the children outside in the play yard were occupied with quiet things and only let out an occasional squeal.

"What about your relationship with Jackie?'' Barbara asked Lainie and Mitch.

Lainie spoke up. "Well, as you said to us once, being a good parent isn't related to the way we became a parent, and I know I couldn't love Rose more if she'd grown inside me. And I guess it's because I love her that I understand why Jackie has to be in her life. I'm still hurt about Mitch's deception, I still think he handled
it poorly, but so does he. We're working on putting our relationship back together, building the trust back, and also trying to figure out the healthiest way to include Jackie in Rose's world.

"The truth is I like and respect Jackie, and I know she'll bring a lot of her joy of life, and sense of humor, and big-heartedness to the situation and to Rose's life. But I'm going to have to work very hard not to resent her. I mean, I know you can't live your life in fear of the future. God knows, I could have died a thousand deaths by now if I had, but if someday Rose looks at me and says, 'I want to go and be with Jackie because I'm like her and not like you,' I don't know how I'll get through it."

"We both know secrets are no good because I nearly destroyed our marriage by trying to keep one," Mitch said, his arm around his wife.

"As you know," Barbara said, "based on the way the programs at this hospital work, this group was scheduled to be over in a few months. But I asked for an unlimited continuation of our work so that we can confront the ongoing issues that will come up for your families from year to year. I thought you'd like to know that, as of this morning, it's been approved."

"Bravo. Hooray!" There was a positive response from all of them. "Thank God," Lainie said, "we're going to need it, because Mitch and I are talking about the possibility of adopting a baby. An unadoptable child this time."

Ruthie announced that she and Shelly and Sid would need more time to talk things out too, because she was engaged. She held up her hand upon which was a ring with a very large sparkling diamond. And Rick reported, just as an aside, that he and Shelly were taking Shelly's screenplay to Universal, hoping to make a deal there.

Soon it was time for the children to come in, but
Barbara signaled to Dana to give her one more moment alone with the grown-ups. "Since we spent some time today talking about
your
secrets, I'd like to tell you one of mine.'' They all looked at her as she smiled and said, "I'm pregnant."

A whoop went up from the group and everyone ran over to hug her and encircle her with their warm congratulations. She felt flushed and moved and connected to each of them.

"Needless to say, or maybe not so needless, it was a surprise. At first, one that made me furious at myself, but then on reflection, thinking about all of you and your struggles to make and be families, I was inspired, and I realize that I'm very lucky and very blessed."

Now Dana led the children into the room. They all had their snack of grape juice and peanut-butter crackers, and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Where Is Thumbkin."

Today Barbara said she would read to them. As soon as she located her reading glasses in her purse, she opened a book that was one of her favorites,
The Velveteen Rabbit
. The sweet story seemed to charm the toddlers, who sat quietly.

" ' "What is real?" asked the rabbit. "Real isn't how you are made," said the skin horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real." "Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit. "Sometimes," said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are real, you don't mind being hurt." ' " For a minute Barbara had to stop, because there was a catch in her voice and the words of the story were making her feel choked up, or maybe, she thought, it's just my hormones going mad. But when she looked up and saw the eyes of all the parents, she
knew they were feeling the same way from the message of the book.

When reading time was over, she hugged every child and every parent good-bye, and walked back to her office to return phone calls and open her mail. She smiled to herself as she passed through the corridors, remembering that not so long ago the thought of retirement had actually crossed her mind. Her step was light as she moved past the offices of the other staff members, buzzing with arriving families.

Retirement for a full-of-life woman like me? Full of life, she laughed, and hope and exciting ideas? Ridiculous, she thought, that she'd ever even considered retirement, and she felt joyful and amazed at the wonderful way in which life goes on!