The Strength to Fall (McKinnon Brothers Book 1) (6 page)

It was only 2:00 in the afternoon so I didn’t know what to do. It was still raining outside and I wasn’t about to leave anyway. I guess I could read for a little while. God, I hated this! I don’t want to hurt Ozais and I am attracted to him but now that I know he is a virgin and now I’m his first kiss…. Wait, I’m his first kiss. That’s an important memory. When he thinks back on this day and his first kiss it was be shadowed by that speech I just gave him. Oh my God, I just gave him the ‘you’re a nice guy speech but….’.  The same excuse he’s heard from women all his life. I felt queasy and horrible. I’m a horrible person. I’ve had an instant connection to the guy even while in pain and I just put him in the friend zone right after his first kiss! No wonder he is still a virgin at 25 and he’s given up on girls. I have to go talk to him and make this right, but what do I say? I really don’t want a relationship. I have a goal to being here and a relationship is not part of that. Could we just be friends with benefits? I haven’t had sex in over a year. Wow, I just realized it’s been that long! Maybe I’m just horny and if we have sex we can get this sexual tension between us out of the way and we can just go on from there. But, that never works, it either starts a relationship or ruins a friendship. If only we weren’t neighbors! Ok, I’ve got to just go talk to him. He’s been very honest with me, it’s my turn to be honest with him about why I’m here. Now, just to get the courage to talk about it.

Chapter Nine

              I opened the sliding glass door to see Ozias sitting in a zero gravity chair. There was another one just like it with a small glass table in between them. The balcony spanned the length of the unit, quite the luxury in the city. Ozias’ balcony was decorated with a glass table and wrought iron chairs, two with ottomans, two zero gravity chairs placed to the right of the table and chairs. It was simple but very nice. I hopped over to the chair near him and arranged myself until I was comfortable.  He stared out in space and ignored my presence. It was an immature thing to do but I could see he was hurting and he had put his walls back up. Damn. I felt really crappy at the moment.

              “Can I talk to you?” I asked breaking the silence.

              He continued to stare straight ahead but I saw his head give a quick nod.

              “Ok, I’m going to take that as a yes. First, let me say, that I am very sorry I said all that to you after we kissed. A first kiss is special and I hate I tainted yours with a speech that you’ve probably heard countless times from girls. I am really upset I did that. I can only imagine how it makes you feel.” I paused to see if he was even listening to me. I saw his jaw clench and he lowered his head, both an indication he had heard me so I continued.

              “What I have to say to you is not easy for me and I may not even be able to get through it. I need to though for a few reasons. One, we will be seeing each other a lot just by being neighbors so I don’t want you to assume I am some snobby southern diva that thinks she’s too good for you, cause that’s not true. Second, I do have a connection to you, Ozias. I felt it the moment you caught me after we fell. Every time you have touched me since I feel an electricity between us. I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of been freaking me out.” He shifted in his seat and quickly glanced my way. “I’ve never had as strong of a reaction to any man as I’ve had to you in the last twenty-four hours. It’s quite unnerving. And third, but this one is very important and I need to know you are really listening.” I paused for a moment to see if he was really hearing me.

              “I’m listening,” he answered in a low, gruff voice but continued to stare straight ahead.

              “Ozias, I’m not here just because my aunt willed me her co-op. I…I have a story to tell you and it’s not easy for me. Some of what I will say I haven’t said out loud, in a very long time. It’s just been too painful. The only reason I feel the need to tell you know is because of what just happened between us. I meant it when I said I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to get hurt either. I have a purpose for being here and I can’t lose sight of that. It’s the most important thing to me at this point in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t succeed.” The rain had started to fall heavily again and the wind picked up. I shivered. Without a word Ozias came beside me, leaned down and picked me up. He quite expertly opened the sliding door and carried me in the guest room, laid me on the bed and walked out. I was too stunned to speak.  I was about to call out to him after he had abandoned me for about 10 minutes when he returned with my crutches and two bottles of water. I shook my head at the insanity of it all. This man was either licking whip cream from my mouth or not speaking to me at all. He was making me dizzy with his crazy emotions and responses.

              “I just ordered pizza. Hope that’s ok. I got a veggie supreme because you ordered the veggie omelet this morning so I thought you’d like that.”

              “Yes, that’s fine. I like veggie pizza.”

              “I moved us in here because the rain and because I wanted you to be comfortable. If what you have to say is really that hard for you, you can at least be comfortable while you say it. And anytime you want me to leave, just say so and I’ll go.”

              “Ozias, it’s not that I
want
you to leave. What I have to say is hard and personal. It’s not directly about you but it will, I hope, explain to you why I said what I did after our kiss. And just for the record, you not only did it right, but I can honestly say that was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”

              His eyes shot up to mine. He stared at me a moment weighing my words. I could sense he was trying to determine if I really meant that.

              “I wouldn’t lie about that, Ozias. I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t flirt or flatter men I’m not interested in. To be honest, I have more experience than you but not much. I mean, I’ve made out with a lot of guys—ok, not like a slutty number—more like about five, but I’ve only slept with two. I’ve already told you I regretted the first one and the second, whereas I don’t regret, I thought I was in love but now I know it was just lust and he was a distraction from my pain.”

              “I believe you. I never thought you were leading me on just to tease me, but I could tell that you were holding back and fighting the feelings that I now know are mutual. I’ve never felt this way either so I have nothing to compare it to. I do know truth though, in words and in feelings. I may not know how to act around you and I don’t have the physical experience you have, but, and I have to say this even if it scares you, but this feels right. It feels scary as hell but it feels so right. Kissing you was the most natural thing in the world. I was terrified and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest, but it felt right, and I’d do it again even knowing you don’t feel the same way.”

              “Ozias! It’s not that I don’t feel the same way. Come sit down on the bed and let me explain. Just then the intercom buzzed. Damn it.

              “That’ll be the pizza. I’ll be right back.” He started to leave but suddenly turned around and came around the bed to me. He put his hand at the base of my neck gently and pulled me in for a kiss. This one was controlled and his tongue swirled slowly in my mouth. I felt myself relax into him and my hand flew up to cradle his face. The intercom buzzed again breaking the kiss. Damn! “Saved by the bell,” he said with a smirk and walked away from me.

              Oh, I was in so much trouble. This man was either going to be my salvation or my ruin. I prayed silently it wasn’t the later.

Chapter Ten

Our bellies full of the best pizza I have ever eaten, we reclined on the bed and both of us appearing nervous. “I need to work out this week,” I said randomly, “all this food is going straight to my hips and I don’t need an ounce of padding there.”

              “I think you’re perfect,” Ozias said as he gave me a very serious look. “Your body is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. You’re curves and your tanned skin. Your hair is such a beautiful brown and when you’re in certain light your red highlights are remarkable. They make your blue-green eyes look like the ocean. I could stare into them for hours.”

              Wow. No one has ever talked to me like that. “Thank you,” is all I could say. I flushed from his stare and the heat between us was palpable. “Speaking of the ocean, I need to tell you my story. Are you ready?”

              Ozias nodded and moved to lay on his side with his head propped up by his palm.

              “Ok, here it goes. Bear with me, ok?” He nodded. “Do you know what happened December 26, 2004?” My heart was beating wildly and I was starting to sweat. My Fitbit registered my pulse at 88 and climbing. I breathed deeply and exhaled. I felt Ozias grab my hand and I felt a calm come over me. I can do this, I told myself.

              “Not right off hand, no. Let’s see I would have been 15, so I was already a senior. I can’t remember if there was something that happened that made world news.”

              “You were a senior at 15?”

              “Yes, but that’s a story for another time. Don’t lose focus. Continue please.”

              “Yes, well, something
did
happen that made world news. Wait, I need to go back or this won’t make sense. My parents were high school sweethearts. You can still drive around the high school campus in my small town and see their initials carved in trees. M.M. hearts E.S., Matthew McLeod and Elizabeth Stuart. They attended the local university together and married in 1984, during their winter break of senior year. They were both twenty-one, had been dating by that time almost eight years. Mom told me they were just ready to start their lives together so why wait. They were practical people. Their wedding was in our small church, mom just wore a nice dress. They had been saving money to start their own restaurant, so neither wanted a big wedding. They spent the weekend in New Orleans for their honeymoon, then came back to finish school and start their restaurant. They just weren’t the kind of people to take big vacations or spend that kind of money, like I said, very practical. My dad had a fun side and could at times be spontaneous but even that he did with caution. I was born five years later and my twin brothers, Jacob and Joshua, two years after me. We were a normal middle class family. We never had a lot of money but we never wanted for anything either. I had friends and even though school was a struggle sometimes, I held my own.” Ozias was looking at me with an expression of
what does all this have to do with why you’re here?

              “I know it sounds like I’m rambling, but it’s important to understand the type of people my parents were.” I said in a way of explanation. He just nodded and continued listening.

“My maternal grandmother is more like Aunt Claire was, exciting and loved romance and mystery. She was the one who taught me all the great classic books and movies.” I took a deep breathe knowing I was getting to the hard part of the story. I exhaled slowly.

“Well, she surprised my parents with a vacation for their 20
th
wedding anniversary and was convinced they needed a real honeymoon type vacation for their 20
th
, so she planned it all. She surprised them with a week in the Maldives in this amazing cabin right on the water. Their anniversary was December 22. Holiday season is not the time to take vacation in the restaurant business but my grandmother had taken care of everything-all the details.” I swallowed hard. I’m getting close to the part I never talk about, the part I’ve only said out loud a few times and it never gets easier. Ozias is still holding my hand. He must sense my trepidation because he sat up next to me and puts his arm around me. I laid my head in the crook of his shoulder. Breath, I can do this.

“It took a lot of convincing but they agreed to go, even though they really didn’t want to leave us or the restaurant at Christmas time. We had Christmas early that year. We drove them to the New Orleans airport early Monday December 20, 2004.” My voice cracked and I couldn’t speak. Ozias handed me my water and asked if I wanted to stop. I shook my head no. I felt him pull me closer to him and kiss the top of my head. The tears started to flow then. “I still remember waving to them before they walked to the security check point.” I sniffled and Ozias handed me a Kleenex from the nightstand. They were coming back Monday December 27 but, but,…..they never made it back.” The dam broke at that point and I was sobbing. The pain was too much to bear, even eleven years later. Ozias must have made the connection because I heard him whisper
tsunami.

I couldn’t stop the tears and I was starting to hyperventilate when I felt Ozias rubbing my back in small circles and saying. “I’m here. Cry if you need to. I’ll be right here.”

It took several minutes for me to speak again. “Yes, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami,” I said in a quiet strained voice. I breathed deeply again. “We had spoken to them on Christmas, one day before. Mom was confirming their return flight and she said they were going to spend their last day lounging on the beach by their cabin. She sounded so relaxed, so, so happy. I’ll never forget waking up on the 26
th
, a Sunday, and hearing the news on the TV. My grandmother was crying hysterically and trying to call and get information but all the lines were either tied up or dead. Their cell phones just went to voicemail. Aunt Claire was there for Christmas and was supposed to return that day but she stayed for the week. She was calling politicians she knew in but no one could get us any information. We just sat and stared at the TV, watching the videos as they were being released. It was horrifying. Unbelievable. They were coming home the very next day.” I cried harder and held my face in my hands. “The very next day. If they had left one day early, they’d still be here and I’d be there with them.

And here come the part I need him to understand. I took a sip of my water and looked at him. “I wouldn’t have felt the need to move here and learn how to live a life without them. It sounds crazy saying that eleven years later, but I was only fifteen. I had a lot of growing up left to do but I had to do that all at once because my brothers needed me. Of course my grandmother was wonderful and took us in but she was never the same either. Parents shouldn’t lose their children, it’s not the order of things.” I took a swallow of my water and tried to continue but Ozias spoke first.

“Are you here to start over? Because if so, this is a great place to do that. I’m so sorry for all the loss you’ve suffered. Your pain is so great, it’s breaking my heart.” He squeezed me to him even tighter.

“Not so much as start over as to prove I can live on my own. I was never the most confident child, and I had some anxiety growing up but it was over normal kid-type stuff like being alone in the dark and nightmares. When my parents never returned, everything seem to scare me. My mind was on overdrive, always thinking. If the phone rang, I would rush to answer it thinking it was them. If it was a wrong number I would convince myself that it was someone who knew where they were but wouldn’t tell us. I was starting to crack and as wonderful as my grandmother was, she didn’t know what to do.”