The Stuff of Nightmares (27 page)

‘Well, because of what happened last year, I decided to get you another pet. So I bought you a certain something that’s out in the garden shed,’ I said.

‘Can we get it now?’ Judy asked excitedly.

‘After your breakfast,’ I told her. ‘And that’s not an excuse for gobbling down your food.’

Ignoring me completely, the twins were halfway through wolfing down their scrambled eggs and beans on toast when Nicole ambled into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes.

‘Good morning, Nicole. And many happy returns,’ I said.

‘Mum, Mum, guess what? Nan’s bought us a pet for Christmas,’ said Julian.

‘Only we can have it now,’ Judy added.

Nicole stared at me.

‘Is something wrong?’ I frowned.

‘You didn’t … tell me you didn’t get them another pet,’ said Nicole sombrely.

Shocked at her tone, I stared at her. ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘It’s only a puppy.’

‘A puppy. Hooray!’ the twins shouted. They stood up, their breakfast forgotten, and headed for the back door.

‘You two aren’t to go out there until you’re dressed warmly and wearing your wellies,’ I said. ‘It’s freezing outside.’

They rushed up the stairs.

‘I wish you hadn’t, Mum,’ Nicole said quietly.

‘Why ever not?’

‘I don’t want this puppy to end up the way the rabbit did,’ Nicole replied.

I stared at her. ‘Why on earth should it?’

Nicole opened her mouth, only to close it again without saying a word. She pursed her lips as she looked at me.

‘Nicole?’ I said uncertainly. ‘Is there something wrong?’

Nicole shook her head slowly.

‘Oh, before I forget,’ I said, ‘I didn’t have a chance to buy you a birthday present. What would you like?’

‘You don’t have to get me anything,’ Nicole said.

‘I know I don’t have to. I want to.’ I smiled.

Silence.

‘Do you know what I’d like? What I’d really like?’ Nicole said at last.

‘Tell me.’

‘I’d like my photograph on the windowsill. Just one photograph with me in it.’ The words were choked with bitterness.

I stared at her. I started to protest … then I realized she
was
right. All the photos on my sacred windowsill, and she wasn’t in one.

‘You’d love it if I was really out of the picture, wouldn’t you? Julian and Judith can stay, of course, but me? I could go to hell for all you care. All my life I’ve been waiting for you to love me. And then I realized I was aiming too high. So I thought I could settle for you just liking me. But I’m nothing to you, am I? Just the anonymous woman who gave you your precious grandchildren.’

Shocked, I struggled to get the words out. What words? Any words. Any words that would let her know just how wrong she was. I might have felt like that a long time ago, but not now.

But I couldn’t speak. The words were a frenetic jumble in my head.

‘Nan, are you and Mum not friends any more?’ Judy asked from the door.

I hadn’t even heard them come down the stairs.

‘Of course we are.’ I forced a smile onto my lips. ‘Your mum and me just have a few things to sort out, that’s all. Now off you go and play with your puppy.’

Julian and Judy slowly left the room, casting backward glances at us as they left.

‘Nicole, you’re wrong—’ I began.

‘Mum, I don’t want to talk about it.’ Nicole sighed, heading for the door herself. ‘I just wish you hadn’t got them another pet without consulting me first.’

And I thought Nicole and I had been doing so well recently. I’ll have to do something to put us on a better footing. She’s so wrong though. I do care for her. She
forgets
– or maybe she just doesn’t know that I’m still learning too.

Well, Nicole and the twins will have the house to themselves on Boxing Day. I’m spending the day with my friend Rebecca, who lives in Oxford. It’s quite a drive so I’ll have to set off early. I think maybe I’ve been crowding Nicole by always being underfoot. It struck me a while ago that if she wants to be alone with the twins then she has to leave the house with them, now that I no longer work. I’ll have to watch that next year. It will be one of my New Year’s resolutions. I will give Nicole more time alone with her children. I have to remember that they’re her children, not mine. Maybe I’m trying to make it up to Nicole through them.

I think about that sort of thing a lot these days. The whys and wherefores of the past. Nicole and I still aren’t close. I guess we’ll never be. That saddens me. I do care about her, really I do. And what I feel has nothing to do with Julian and Judy. I just find that sort of thing very hard to say. I never had any trouble saying those things to Alex, so why do I find it so difficult to let Nicole know how much I care about her? If Alex was still alive, maybe Nicole and I would be closer. He would have stopped me making so many mistakes.

God! I’m going to worry myself into an early grave if I carry on like this.

27 December

The puppy is dead. I can’t believe it. First Cloudy, then Joey. When I tucked Julian up in bed tonight, he was still crying.
I
got back from Rebecca’s house this morning, and even before she said hello, Nicole told me that Joey was dead and that she’d already buried him.

‘What did he die of?’ I asked.

‘He just died,’ Nicole told me, storming out of the room.

He just died? What does that mean? I couldn’t get much out of Julian or Judy either. They were too upset at Joey’s death.

Judy did say something that made me think though. She said, ‘Mum was really angry with Joey.’

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘’Cause you bought him for us,’ she replied.

‘That’s why she was mad at our rabbit,’ Julian said.

And then they both nodded up at me several times.

I can’t believe … Does Nicole really hate me so much that she would kill a rabbit and a puppy? Just to get back at me?

I won’t believe it. The twins do have very active imaginations. I’m sure that there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for Joey’s death. I just wish I knew what it was.

So the clues
were
there. All the time. They were glaringly obvious. I turned the diary over and placed it on the floor. I should’ve noticed them, I should’ve realized. Then maybe I could have foreseen what was going to happen. It was all my fault. I should’ve prevented it. I picked up my latest diary. My last diary. This year’s diary.

22 December

This evening I did the one thing I swore I’d never do. I quarrelled with Nicole about the twins. And what’s more, Judy and Julian were there, listening to every word. It all started over something so stupid. We sat down to a late dinner because Nicole came back home late from her office. She said she’d gone round to the pub for a quick drink with her colleagues. From the smell of her breath, I thought a quick half-dozen was closer to the mark. Then Julian asked me what I was getting them for Christmas.

‘Can we have another pet, Nan?’

‘A cat this time,’ Judy piped up.

‘You two aren’t having any more pets. Not while I have anything to do with it.’ Nicole leaped in before I had a chance to open my mouth.

‘But you don’t have to buy it for us, Mum. Nan could buy it for us,’ Julian said.

‘Oh no she couldn’t. You’re not having a pet and that’s final,’ Nicole said.

‘Nicole, I don’t mind—’

‘I said no!’ Nicole shouted.

‘Don’t take that tone with me. I’m not one of your children.’ I frowned.

‘Thank God! What would I do with three of you? Two children are two too many.’

‘Nicole!’

‘Don’t “Nicole” me, Mum. You don’t know the half of what I’ve been through. You think the twins are so sweet and innocent? Well, I could tell you a thing or two …’

‘Nicole, you don’t know what you’re saying,’ I said icily.

‘Mum, please …’ Judy began.

‘Please what? Please don’t tell your nan what you two are really like …?’

Nicole’s words were getting faster and more slurred now.

‘Nicole, I think you should go and lie down.’ I tried – and failed – to keep the censure out of my voice.

‘Lie down? I don’t need to lie down. I should have guessed you’d take their side. Nothing changes. They’re always right and I’m always wrong.’

‘That’s not true. You’re being ridiculous,’ I said.

‘Of course it’s true. Well, I’ve got a little secret for you, Mum—’

‘Mum, don’t …’ Julian was crying.

‘No, Mum …’ Judy ran to Nicole and tried to take her hand. Nicole pushed her away – hard.

‘And the little secret is …’ Nicole’s laugh turned into a hic. ‘Prepare yourself, Mum – the sun does not shine out of your grandchildren’s backsides.’

‘I’m not listening to any more of this.’ I stood up, absolutely disgusted.

Nicole leaped to her feet so quickly her chair toppled over behind her. ‘Mum, you must listen to me. Julian and Judith …’ Even from where I stood, I could see that she was shaking. ‘Those two … they’re the devil’s children …’

I’d had enough. I marched round the table and slapped Nicole hard. It was only the second time I’d ever laid a hand on her. The first time I didn’t mean to. This time I did.

‘You deserve to burn in hell for saying such wicked,
wicked
things,’ I told her. ‘Julian, Judy, go to your room – now. And as for you, Nicole, I suggest you stay down here and sober up.’

I ushered my grandchildren out of the room.

I really don’t know what got into Nicole tonight. Judith and Julian were almost hysterical. It took me ages to calm them down. I can’t help feeling that in some way I’m responsible for Nicole’s behaviour. She still sees me the way I used to be – not the way I am. She holds onto the past so tightly that I despair of ever getting her to see I’ve changed. I know my grandchildren aren’t perfect – they have their moods just like everyone else. And I know I spoil them. But to call them the devil’s children …

Nicole has just slammed out of the house.

I hope she realizes just what she said and makes amends to the twins. How could their own mother say something like that? I never thought of Nicole as the devil’s child – not even when she was born – much less said it to her face. I can’t understand why she would say something like that. I’m trying not to condemn her; after all, who am I to judge? I never exactly won any cups for being the world’s greatest mother.

In a way I’m glad I’m driving to see Rebecca on Christmas Eve. I think both Nicole and I could use a break from each other. When I get back on Christmas Day, the dust should have settled. Things are always better on Christmas Day.

I laughed bitterly at the last sentence I’d written. I glanced down at my watch. Christmas Day was nearly over. There came a knock at the bedroom door.

‘Nan, aren’t you going to make us our hot chocolate?’

Julian and Judith stood just inside the bedroom. I smiled. They really did look like two angels. So calm, so serene.

‘Of course I am, darlings. Back to bed and I’ll bring it up for you,’ I said as I got to my feet.

‘We’re glad you’re our nan,’ Julian said. ‘Aren’t we, Judy?’

Judith nodded enthusiastically.

‘And I’m glad you’re my grandchildren. Now back to bed, you rascals.’ I forced a laugh.

God, I loved them so much. I’d do anything for them.

The twins ran back to their own room. I followed them, watching as they climbed into their bunk beds.

‘Count to two hundred and I’ll be here,’ I told them, before closing their bedroom door. I heard their muffled counting through the door. After stopping off in the bathroom, I made my way downstairs. I had this year’s diary in one hand, the bottle I’d retrieved from the bathroom in the other. I looked at my diary. I had to hold onto it. I’d never let it go again. I couldn’t. The diary would have to be my strength, my courage.

In the kitchen I worked quickly until the hot chocolate was ready. Placing three steaming mugs on a tray, I carefully carried it upstairs.

‘Here we are. Hot chocolates all round.’ I smiled as I walked into the bedroom, tray in hand.

I handed
one
cup to Julian on the lower bunk, and one cup up to Judith before taking the third cup for myself.

‘Nan, this tastes a bit funny,’ Judith complained at the first taste.

‘That’s because I wasn’t watching the milk and it boiled. Milk should be warmed, not boiled, if you’re making hot chocolate, otherwise it tastes bitter. That’s why I put extra sugars in each cup.’ I smiled and sipped at my hot chocolate. ‘Come on, you two. Drink it down. It’ll help you sleep.’

Without another word the twins drank to the bottom of their cups. Then I did the same.

‘I’ll tell you what. Would you two like to sleep in my bed tonight? I could hold you both and we could all fall asleep together.’

‘That would be great.’

‘Yippee!’

‘Come on then.’ I smiled.

The twins were out of bed and ahead of me within moments. I fingered the tablet bottle that was in my pocket.

‘Forgive me,’ I said to the empty room. Who was I speaking to? Alex? Nicole? God? Myself?

I followed the twins into my bedroom. They were already sitting up in the bed.

‘What are all these books on the floor, Nan?’ Judy asked.

‘My diaries.’

‘Can we read them?’ said Julian.

‘Maybe some time.’

I pulled off my dressing gown and got into the middle of the bed, where I sat between my grandchildren, my back against the headboard.

‘Are you going to read us a story, Nan?’ Judy yawned.

‘Not tonight, precious. I’ve got something to finish. Snuggle down, you two, and go to sleep.’

The twins did as I asked.

‘What are we … going to … do … tomorrow?’ Julian’s voice was getting fainter and fainter.

‘Anything we want to do, my love,’ I replied. ‘Anything at all.’

A yawn from Judy, and the twins were asleep. I smiled down at them, then stroked their hair. Opening my diary, I began to write.

25 December

I got back from Oxford at about four o’clock in the morning and fell straight into bed. It seemed like I’d only just shut my eyes when the twins came bounding into the room, waking me up. Without warning Julian pulled back the curtains, nearly frying my eyeballs, it was so bright outside.