The Stuffing of Nightmares (The Mysteries of Bell & Whitehouse Book 7) (18 page)

Father Gherkin had presided over Saint-Michael’s Church, located on the outskirts of Manhattan, for over thirty years now. In his late fifties, the good father looked more like a crook than a clergyman. With his hooded eyes, boxer’s nose, stocky build and weirdly elongated face, he could have made a living robbing banks and sticking up people with no trouble at all.

Chazz had been a member of his flock for years, and Father Gherkin had helped him through some pretty rough patches. Like when his beloved Pomeranian Spot had gone missing and ended up dead. It was Father Gherkin who’d convinced Chazz not to rain down hellfire on the perpetrators but find it in his heart to forgive and forget. Chazz had accepted this sage advice and had moved on, transferring his great love for the canine species to a new pup, christening this one Spot 2 in commemoration of Spot 1.

But now a new crisis had befallen the orange-haired tycoon.

When Chazz called him, Terrence had instantly wiped his schedule, and now listened intently to Chazz’s labored breathing, a sure sign of the man’s spiritual distress.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” the stricken real estate mogul opened the proceedings.

“Just lay it out for me, buddy. Hold nothing back,” Terrence encouraged.

“The thing is… I covet another man’s fiancée, Father.”

“Is that a fact?”

It didn’t surprise Terrence one bit. These one percenters were always getting into some kind of trouble. If they didn’t collapse the world’s monetary system by playing monopoly with subprime mortgages, they were trying to buy the presidency so they could play king of the world. Chasing other fat cats’ fiancées was simply par for the course for these bozos.

“And who’s the lucky lady?” he asked, settling back. He was frankly disappointed. He’d thought Chazz’s spiritual emergency would be more profound.

“My best friend’s fiancée, Father,” the billionaire confessed ruefully.

This surprised Terrence. As far as he knew, Chazz didn’t have any friends. “You gotta name for me?”

“Regina Havilland.”

The name rang a bell. “Oh, right, right. Isn’t she Grover Calypso’s betrothed?”

“She is,” said Chazz with a sigh. “In the autumn of his life, Grover has managed to find love again.”

“Isn’t the guy your age?”

“He’s older. Much older,” Chazz snapped.

“Sure he is,” Terrence mumbled. Then, louder, “Tell me all, buddy.”

“Regina Havilland was the first girl I ever loved, Father.”

“Aren’t they all?” Terrence muttered.

“I was a stalwart young man of twenty when she walked into my life, the daughter of a New York shipping merchant. I was still amassing my fortune back then, determined to put my mark on the world of real estate. We had a torrid affair that lasted until her father found out about us. To put a stop to the affair, old man Havilland relocated his family to China, and I never saw Regina again. Until I got Grover’s wedding invitation. Imagine my distress.”

“I’m imagining.”

“And the worst part is, she still has feelings for me, Father.”

“You’re right. That is pretty bad.”

“When she caught sight of me, I could see it in her eyes.”

“She cried, huh?”

“It was love, Father. The look of pure and unadulterated love.”

“Oh, that one.”

“But our love is not to be, Father. She’s an engaged woman now, and Grover is my best friend. If we got involved, I’d be breaking his heart.”

“And he’d be breaking your face,” Terrence commented.

“There’s that,” the billionaire rasped unhappily.

“So what are you gonna do?”

“I have no idea! She wants me, and I want her—it’s that simple. But now that Grover’s son is in trouble he needs my friendship more than ever.”

“Oh, right. The embezzlement thing.”

“Yeah. The embezzlement thing.”

For a moment, silence reigned in the confessional, while Terrence reflected on that age-old adage that money doesn’t make you happy. He counted more than one billionaire amongst his flock, and Job himself couldn’t hold a candle to them when it came to whining and grouching.

“You know what you could do?” the priest finally said.

“No, what?” Chazz replied hopefully.

“You could talk to Grover. If he’s your friend, he’ll understand.” Terrence could hear his penitent deflate like a balloon on the other side of the grille, and he shook his head, feeling sorry for the rich guy. “Or you could have an affair with this woman behind your buddy’s back,” he offered.

Instantly, Chazz perked up. “I like that. I like that a lot. But…”

“But what?”

“Is it kosher?”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t the good book say ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’?”

Terrence shrugged. “Grover Calypso ain’t your neighbor, is he?”

“Well, no. He’s on Park Avenue, and I’m on Fifth.”

“So?”

Chazz surprised him with a fruity chuckle. “This is why you’re my favorite confessor, Father. You think like me. You always find the loopholes!”

Terrence winced. Finding loopholes in the Bible wasn’t exactly in his job description. But he was a firm believer in the practical approach. And if his advice helped alleviate Chazz’s spiritual distress, that was a clear win in his book. “Just make sure Grover doesn’t find out,” he added as a bonus.

“There is one snag,” Chazz said.

Oh, God. “There is?”

“I really love this woman, Father.”

“So you told me. And?”

“And I simply can’t stand the thought of her and Grover…”

“Doing the horizontal mambo?”

Chazz groaned. “Please, Father. Don’t even go there. It’s just that I’m insanely jealous when it comes to Regina. The thought of her and that old slob…”

“You mean your very good friend Grover.”

“I need to make sure there’s nothing going on between those two.”

“Between Grover and his
fiancée
, you mean.”

“Yes.”

Terrence sighed. What a mess. Give a man a finger and he’ll take an arm. “Why don’t you tell Regina her future husband has some kind of disease?”

“You mean like the flu?”

Terrence pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, not like the flu. Like syphilis. Or gonorrhea. Something really nasty, if you catch my drift. Something that will put a damper on those pre-wedding coital tendencies.”

A gasp came from the other compartment. “That’s genius! Pure genius!”

“I aim to please,” Terrence grumbled. Then, before Chazz could come up with more objections, he quickly launched into his usual spiel, rounding up the session by telling the billionaire that five Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers would do the trick. He considered giving the billionaire some choice Bible verses about adultery to read but decided this would only confuse the issue by sending a mixed message, and he sent the man away with a final blessing.

He watched the tubby tycoon skip along the church nave with a marked spring in his step and grinned. At least one member of his flock would sleep easy tonight. And wasn’t that the whole purpose of what he was trying to do here? Make people happy? Relieve their spiritual suffering? There was no arguing with the fact that Chazz Falcone was a happier man now than when he’d stumbled into Saint-Michael’s, looking like something the cat dragged in.

And with a cheery whistle, Father Gherkin set foot in the direction of his sacristy. He had a sermon to write, the topic of which had just popped into his head. It had something to do with a camel and a needle, and the thought that neither Chazz Falcone nor Grover Calypso would ever enter heaven was balm on his own burdened soul. Loopholes, indeed. Pshaw!

Pedestrian and vehicular traffic had subsided, and Park Avenue was almost devoid of the hustle and bustle of the early morning rush hour. It was now midmorning, and people were stepping out of the office for a Caramel Macchiato at their local Starbucks or to have a smoke. The last thing on Bomer Calypso’s mind right now were either of those. Staring down at the street below from the confines of his father’s thirtieth-floor condo, he pressed his forehead against the window pane and enjoyed the cooling sensation.

He’d just been sprung from 26 Federal Plaza, the FBI’s New York digs, and still reeled from the peculiar treatment he’d endured at the hands of the nation’s finest.

A young man with floppy butter-colored hair, good looks and not an ounce of intelligence, Baldemar ‘Bomer’ Calypso had never been arrested before. Well, except that one time when he released a pig in Columbia University’s President’s House. Unfortunately, the president had been home at the time of the incident, had tripped over the squealing beast and fallen on his face, causing him quite some embarrassment at next day’s commencement address, where his swollen nose had captured the students’ imagination to such an extent his speech was rendered inaudible because of all the catcalls.

Bomer’s good friend Rick Dawson had warned him that time, but then Rick had always been the more sensible of the two friends. For Rick studying had been about good grades and following in the footsteps of the greats. For Bomer life at Columbia had been one long party before his father locked him up in one of CalypsoCo’s executive suites and threw away the key. But now that he was an executive, with the fancy car and the high-rise office and the private secretary, he found that he didn’t hate it as much he’d anticipated.

True, he had to show up at the office every day, but since his father was still running CalypsoCo, and considered Bomer a broken reed when it came to the actual day-to-day management of the thing, people pretty much left him to his own devices. Mostly he played Candy Crush all day. Or Donkey Kong.

And then, of course, married life had slowed him down to some extent. Ever since marrying Charlene Falcone his party days were a thing of the past. In fact, now that he came to think of it, Charlene appeared to share Grover’s career compulsive disorder, always pushing him to outdo himself.

Well, he’d made it clear from the start that he didn’t want a career. He simply wanted the good life his father had always worked for so that his son could sit back and enjoy. Why make money if his father had already done all that? Why change a winning formula? For all his life his father had worked and slaved and amassed a fortune in the process, while Bomer had skated through life. It was the natural order of things, so why rock the boat now?

He turned to face the room and saw that Charlene and Grover were still pacing furiously. Grover’s new fiancée was also present, which irked Bomer to some extent. His father and Charlene had staged this ‘intervention’, much to Bomer’s embarrassment, and he disliked strangers being present at what he correctly surmised was not his finest hour.

The only person he did want present was Ricky, but the reporter had an editorial meeting to attend. They’d had a long call, though, and Rick had vowed his unwavering support for his beleaguered old friend.

Bomer’s mind, such as it was, wandered back to what had taken place at the office. He’d booted up his computer as usual and had instantly gone to work checking out the latest Jaguar model. The one they’d presented at the International Auto Show last April. And he’d just picked a winner when a bunch of guys he’d never met had charged in. They all looked alike: close-cropped sandy hair, charcoal suits, no-nonsense expressions on their faces.

Figuring they were some of the managers his father sometimes wanted him to meet, he’d welcomed them with outstretched hands. But then the first guy had announced he was, in fact, an FBI agent, and had produced some species of badge. And before he realized what was going on, they were goose-stepping him along the hallway to the elevators. And as they were riding down, he’d politely asked, “Say, fellas. Could you tell me where we’re going?”

He had the vague idea they needed him for something. Perhaps some special assignment. Like when the government enlists civilians because the Autobots have landed, or the Avengers are facing their most deadly foe. Not that he knew what they needed him for. He didn’t possess any special talent that he was aware of. He wasn’t a world-class hacker or highly skilled at close combat. He couldn’t sing, dance, act, paint, write, cook… In fact, when he thought about it, there wasn’t all that much that he was good at. Except Candy Crush. And spending money. When it came to spending money, he was up there with the Roman Abramoviches and David Siegels of this world.

So he’d piped up again, “Say, listen. I think you’ve got the wrong guy.”

But the men had kept a dignified silence. And once outside he’d been shoved into a black GMC SUV, and whisked away to Federal Plaza.

There, seated in a very small room with two very large men, they’d accused him of the crime of embezzlement. Of dipping into CalypsoCo funds for his own personal benefit. He’d surprised them with a big laugh, which they’d met with stony-faced silence. “Well, of course I dip into the CalypsoCo funds. My name
is
Calypso. Co and I dip into those funds all day long to our heart’s content. That’s the whole point of having your name on the shingle.”

Then things had gotten really weird. They’d asked him about Vicar Bill. According to the feds, he was secretly funding the guy. But since he only very infrequently went to church—weddings and funerals, mainly—and he personally didn’t know any vicars, called Bill or otherwise, he told them they were barking up the wrong Calypso.

The conclusion had been that he was playing games, which had surprised him—how did they know about his Candy Crush addiction?—and then they’d escorted him to a small room which could not be opened from the inside, where he’d remained until Charlene had been kind enough to bail him out.

He plunked down on the sofa now. Watching both his father and his wife pacing the floor made him vicariously tired. “Say, Dad, why don’t Charlene and I head on home? I really don’t feel like going back to the office after what happened.”

Grover, a smallish man with a bearded bulbous head, silenced his son with a cold look. “This is serious, Baldemar, and I implore you not to crack jokes at a time like this.”

Jokes? All he said was that he wanted to go home. What was so funny about that?