The Stupidest Angel (13 page)

"Uh, Constable," Tuck said. "Why was it that you stopped by? Ouch!"

Theo turned. Lena had just punched the pilot in the arm, evidently pretty hard—he was massaging it.

"Uh, nothing. Just a fellow didn't go home last night, and I thought Lena might have an idea where he went." Theo was trying to back away from the house, but then stopped, remembering that he might trip on the porch steps. How would he explain that to the DEA?

"Last night? That's not even a missing person for, what, twenty-four, forty-eight hours? Ouch! Dammit, that's not necessary." Tucker Case rubbed his shoulder where Lena had punched him again.

Theo thought that she might have violence issues with men.

Lena looked at Theo and grinned, as if she was embarrassed about the punch. "Theo, Molly called me this morning and told me about Dale. I told her I hadn't seen him. Didn't she tell you?"

"Sure. Sure, she told me. I just, you know, I thought you might have some ideas. I mean, your friend is right, Dale's not really missing, officially, for another twelve hours or so, but, you know, it's a small town, and I, you know, have a job and stuff."

"Thanks, Theo," Lena said, waving to him even though he was only a few feet away and wasn't moving away from the house. The pilot was waving, too, smiling. Theo didn't like being around new lovers who had just gotten laid, especially when things weren't going that well in his own love life. They seemed smug, even if they weren't trying to be.

He spotted something dark swinging from the ceiling of the porch, right where the wind chime would have been on his and Molly's porch, if he hadn't just sacrificed their security by relapsing into dope-fiendism. It couldn't be what it looked like. "So, that's a, uh, that looks like—" "A bat," said Lena.

Holy fuck,
Theo thought,
that thing is huge.
"A bat," he said. "Sure. Of course."

"Fruit bat," Tucker Case clarified. "From Micronesia."

"Oh, right," Theo said. Micronesia was not a real place. The blond guy was fucking with him. "Well, I'll see you guys."

"See you at Lonesome Christmas on Friday," Lena said. "Say hi to Molly."

" 'Kay," Theo said, climbing into the Volvo. He closed the car door. They went inside. He let his head hit the steering wheel.
They know,
he thought.

"He knows," Lena said, her back against the front door. "He doesn't know."

"He's smarter than he looks. He knows."

"He doesn't know. And he didn't look dumb, he looked kind of stoned."

"No, he wasn't stoned, that was suspicion."

"Don't you think if he was suspicious he might have asked where you were last night?"

"Well, he could see that, with you walking out there 
with your shirt off, and me looking so, you know—
so—"

"Satisfied?"

"No, I was going to say 'disheveled.' " She punched his arm. "Jeez, get over yourself."

"Ouch. That is completely out of line."

"I'm in trouble here," Lena said. "You can at least be supportive."

"Supportive? I helped you hide the body. In some countries that implies commitment."

She wound up to punch him, then caught herself, but left her fist there in the air, just in case. "You really don't think he was suspicious?"

"He didn't even ask why you have a giant fruit bat hanging out on your porch. He's oblivious. Just going through the motions."

"Why
do
I have a giant fruit bat hanging from the porch?"

"Comes with the package." He grinned and walked away.

Now she felt stupid, standing there, her fist in the air.

She felt unenlightened, dense, silly, unevolved, all the things she thought only other people were. She followed him into the bedroom, where he was putting on his shirt.

"I'm sorry I hit you."

He rubbed his bruised shoulder. "You have tendencies. Should I hide your shovel?"

"That's a horrible thing to say." She almost punched him, but instead, trying to be more evolved, and less threatening, she put her arms around him. "It was an accident."

"Release me. I have to go spot bad guys with my helicopter," he said, patting her on the bottom.

"You're taking the bat with you, right?"

"You don't want to hang out with him?"

"No offense, but he's a little creepy."

"You have no idea," said Tuck.

HOLIDAY HEARTBREAK

Christmas Amnesty. You can fall out of contact with a friend, fail to return calls, ignore e-mails, avoid eye contact at the Thrifty-Mart, forget birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions, and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened. Decorum dictates that the friendship move forward from that point, without guilt or recrimination. If you started a chess game ten years ago in October, you need only remember whose move it is—or why you sold the chessboard and bought an Xbox in the interim. (Look, Christmas Amnesty is a wonderful thing, but it's not a dimensional shift. The laws of time and space continue to apply, even if you
have been
avoiding your friends. But don't try using the expansion of the universe as an excuse—like you kept meaning to stop by, but their house kept getting farther away. That crap won't wash. Just say, "Sorry I haven't called. Merry Christmas." Then show the present. Christmas Amnesty protocol dictates that your friend say, "That's okay," and let you in without further comment. This is the way it has always been done.)

"Where the fuck have you been?" said Gabe Fenton when he opened the door and saw his old friend Theophilus Crowe standing there, holding a present. Gabe, forty-five, short and wiry, unshaven and slightly balding, was wearing khakis that looked like he'd slept in them for a week.

"Merry Christmas, Gabe," said Theo, holding out the present, a big red bow on it—sort of waving the box back and forth as if to say,
Hey, I have a present here, you're not supposed to sandbag me for not calling for three years.

"Yeah, nice," said Gabe. "But you might have called."

"Sorry. I meant to, but you were involved with Val, I didn't want to interrupt."

"She dumped me, you know?" Gabe had been seeing Valerie Riordan, the town's only psychiatrist, for several years now. Not for the last month, however.

"Yeah, I heard about that." Theo had heard that Val wanted someone who was a little more involved with human culture than Gabe.

Gabe was a behavioral field biologist who studied wild rodents or marine mammals, depending on who was providing the funding. He lived at a small federally owned cottage by the lighthouse with his hundred-pound black Labrador retriever, Skinner.

"You heard? And you didn't call?"

It was nearly noon, and Theo's buzz had mostly worn off, but he was still thrown. Guys were not supposed to lament the lack of support from a friend, unless it was backup in a bar fight or help in moving heavy stuff. This was not normal behavior. Maybe Gabe really did need to spend more time around human beings.

"Look, Gabe, I brought you a present," Theo said. "Look at how glad Skinner is to see me."

Skinner was, in fact, glad to see Theo. He was crowding Gabe in the doorway, his beefy tail beating against the open door like a Snausage war drum. He associated Theo with hamburgers and pizza, and had once thought of him as the emergency backup Food Guy (Gabe being the primary Food Guy).

"Well, I suppose you should come in," said Gabe. The biologist stepped away from the door and allowed Theo to enter. Skinner said hi by shoving his nose into Theo's crotch.

"I'm working in here, so things are a little messy."

A little messy?
An understatement on a par with calling the Bataan Death March a nature hike—it looked like someone had loaded all of Gabe's belongings into a cannon and fired them into the room through the wall. Dirty laundry and dishes covered every surface except for Gabe's worktable, which, except for the rats, was immaculate.

"Nice rats," Theo said. "What are you doing with them?"

"I'm studying them."

Gabe sat down in front of a series of five-gallon aquariums arranged around a center tank in a star pattern and linked by Habitrail tubes, with gates for routing rats from one chamber to another. Each of the rats had a silver disk about the size of a quarter glued to its back.

Theo watched as Gabe opened a gate and one of the rats rushed to the center tank and immediately tried to mount its occupant. Gabe picked up a small remote control and hit the button. The attacking rat nearly did a backflip trying to retreat.

"Ha! That'll teach 'im," Gabe shouted. "The female in the center cage is in estrus."

The rat backed away tentatively and did some sniffing, then attempted to mount the female again. Gabe hit the button. The male was jolted off of her.

"Ha! Now do you get it?!" Gabe said maniacally. He looked up from the cages to Theo. "There are electrodes on their testes. The silver disks are batteries and remote receivers. Every time he gets sexually aroused, I'm hitting his little nuts with fifty volts."

The rat made another attempt and again Gabe hit the button. The rat spazzed its way to the corner of the cage.

"You stupid shit!" Gabe shouted. "You think they'd learn. I'll hit each of them with the jolt a dozen times today, but when I open the cage tomorrow, they'll all run back in and try to mount her again. You see, you see how we are?"

"We?"

"Us. Males. See how we are. We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again."

Gabe had always been so steady, so calm, so professionally detached, scientifically obsessed, so dependably nerdy—Theo felt as if he were talking to a whole different person, like someone had scrubbed off all the intellect and had exposed the nerves. "Uh,Gabe, I'm not sure that we should equate ourselves with rodents. I mean—"

"Oh, sure. That's what you say now. But you'll call me and tell me I was right. Something will happen and you'll call. She'll stomp your heart and you'll finish the destruction she starts. Am I right? Am I right?"

"Uh, I—" Theo was thinking about the graveyard sex followed by the fight he'd had with Molly last night.