The Sun and Her Flowers (7 page)

when the world comes crashing at your feet

it's okay to let others

help pick up the pieces

if we're present to take part in your happiness

when your circumstances are great

we are more than capable

of sharing your pain

-
community

i do not weep

because i'm unhappy

i weep because i have everything

yet i am unhappy

let it go

let it leave

let it happen

nothing

in this world

was promised or

belonged to you anyway

-
all you own is yourself

wish pure love and soft peace

upon the ones

who've been unkind to you

and keep moving forward

-
this will free you both

yes

it is possible

to hate and love someone

at the same time

i do it to myself

every day

somewhere along the way

i lost the self-love

and became my greatest enemy

i thought i'd seen the devil before

in the uncles who touched us as children

the mobs that burned our city to the ground

but i'd never seen someone as hungry
for my flesh as i was

i peeled my skin off just to feel awake

wore it inside out

sprinkled it with salt to punish myself

turmoil clotted my nerves

my blood curdled

i even tried to bury myself alive

but the dirt recoiled

y
ou have already rotted
it said

there is nothing left for me to do

-
self-hate

the way you speak of yourself

the way you degrade yourself

into smallness

is abuse

-
self-harm

when i hit the rock bottom

that exists after the rock bottom

and no rope or hand appeared

i wondered

what if nothing wants me

because i do not want me

-
i am both the poison and the antidote

first

i went for my words

the
i can't
s
. i won't
s
. i am not good enough
s
.

i lined them up and shot them dead

then i went for my thoughts

invisible and everywhere

there was no time to gather them one by one

i had to wash them out

i wove a linen cloth out of my hair

soaked it in a bowl of mint and lemon water

carried it in my mouth as i climbed

up my braid to the back of my head

down on my knees i began to wipe my mind clean

it took twenty-one days

my knees bruised but

i did not care

i was not given the breath

in my lungs to choke it out

i would scrub the self-hate off the bone

till it exposed love

-
self-love

i have survived far too much to go quietly

let a meteor take me

call the thunder for backup

my death will be grand

the land will crack

the sun will eat itself

-
the day i leave

i want to honeymoon myself

if i am the longest relationship

of my life

isn't it time to

nurture intimacy

and love

with the person

i lie in bed with each night

-
acceptance

what is stronger

than the human heart

which shatters over and over

and still lives

i woke up thinking the work was done

i would not have to practice today

how naive to think healing was that easy

when there is no end point

no finish line to cross

healing is everyday work

you have so much

but are always hungry for more

stop looking up at everything you don't have

and look around at everything you do

-
where the satisfaction lives

you can imitate a light like mine

but you cannot become it

and here you are living

despite it all

this is the recipe of life

said my mother

as she held me in her arms as i wept

think of those flowers you plant

in the garden each year

they will teach you

that people too

must wilt

fall

root

rise

in order to bloom